Travel

Frieda Stoyanovskaya

Frieda Stoyanovskaya
Kiev
Ukraine
Interviewer: Tatyana Chaika
Date of interview: March 2002

My family background

Growing up

During the war

After the war

Glossary

My family background

I am Frieda Stoyanovskaya. I was born in the town of Borispol in the vicinity of Kiev. I was born in 1907. My name is a mystery to me. I don't know who I was named after. My first memories are of my parents - young and beautiful, and most importantly, calm and smiling. Joy and kindness were predominant in the atmosphere of our home. I don't remember my father or mother angry, agitated or sad until 1919, the year of the Denikin pogrom 1 that changed our whole life.

My mother, Rosalia Borisovna Stoyanovskaya [nee Margolina], had another Jewish name, Rasia Borukhovna, but nobody called her by this name. She was born in Borispol in 1884. She looked very much like a rose. Mamma stayed at home, raising me, and later my little sister. Her name was Ida and she was one year younger than I. Then there was our younger brother Semyon. Mother was all kindness and patience with us. She taught us our first Yiddish words and prayers. She also loved Russian literature and knew it well. Mamma was intelligent and well-read, but I don't know where she studied. I remember her reading fairy tales to my sister and me in Russian.

I remember well my mother's mother, my grandmother Chernia Margolina She was kind like mamma and she smiled readily. Her husband, my grandfather Zalman, or Abram Illich Stoyanovskiy, was the breadwinner in the family. He had a small but prospering stationary store in town.

My father was one of six children in the family. His younger sister, my favorite aunt, Gisia, worked in his store. I have the warmest memories of her. She was not much older than I. She had a rosy complexion and she liked to smile. Young people in Borispol enjoyed buying stationary from her. I always enjoyed coming to daddy's store and watching aunt Gisia working.

I was the first and favorite granddaughter of grandmother Chernia and grandfather Zalman. I remember spending all the Jewish holidays in their small house. It was located twenty minutes' walk from our place. Each fall at Sukkot grandfather installed a sukkah in his yard. The family just loved to get together and have dinner there. Grandmother brought the food there. It's amazing how we all fit there: our family and our grandparents', rather a big family.

My mother also came from a family with many children. She was the oldest and there were three other girls and three sons in the family. They only spoke Yiddish at my grandparents' home. At our home they talked Russian to us kids. However, we were taught Yiddish. Besides Yiddish and Russian, Ukrainian often sounded at our home. There were Ukrainians living around. There was no Jewish neighborhood, so to say, in Borispol in the early 20th century. The town was small - two or three central streets with stores and town buildings. Further on were typical Ukrainian village houses. These were small wooden buildings, with 2 or 3 rooms, with the toilet on the street. The roof was usually covered with straw. In the house there was a stove, which burnt firewood. Usually, near the house there was a garden with fruit trees and a vegetable garden, where vegetables were grown for the family. In the courtyard there was always a pit, where water was taken from inside a small wooden building, for the farm animals. We lived near the central part. There were three one-story buildings, forming a big yard. Three Jewish families rented them from a better-off landlord.

My first fear is associated with one of these houses. I heard the screams of a woman in labor. I was about five years old and the anxiety that it stirred up in me stayed with me for the rest of my life. The feeling of happiness at about the same age is associated with my first carnival costume that my mamma made from crepe paper. I can't remember the holiday - it might have been Purim or Christmas. [Frieda's family celebrated Christmas because her family lived alongside Russian, Ukrainian and Jewish families. They celebrated Christian and Jewish holidays together.]

Growing up

My favorite holiday has always been Pesach. Pesach is associated with our housemaid Galia. She was a Ukrainian girl. She came to help my mother about the house. Later, in the 1930s, she lived in my family and helped me a lot. So, before Pesach, mamma and Galia cleaned and washed everything. They cleaned up all corners in the house. They took all Passover dishes from the attic: special dishes and special jugs. I also remember an amazing Passover tablecloth. There was also a tablecloth on the first and second seder with seven dishes (and their contents) marked on it. A kiara of its kind, as I learned later. Matzah was ground into flour, and mamma and Galia made delicious little pies stuffed with prunes from it. I remember daddy saying a special blessing, filling a wineglass with wine and opening the door for someone. At first I thought it was for Messiah but later I found out it was for the prophet Elijah. I remember this was the most festive holiday.

I also remember Chanukkah, mainly because it was approximately on the same day as my birthday, and the family got together making it quite an event for me. I remember these big holidays in many details. As for Sabbath, I can't say, just as I don't remember menorah in the house or mezuzah on the door. It must have been there but I don't remember. I remember daddy saying a prayer in tallit and laying the tefillin. I remember that teachers came to our house - they taught my sister and me the Jewish alphabet and how to read. I remember that our family went to synagogue in Borispol. It was a two-story building. Women and girls sat in the upper part. I was surprised and touched that during the prayer women and my mother often cried. In particular, I remember the Simchat Torah holiday in the synagogue. The men danced below, carrying the Torah. My horrible memories of 1919 are also associated with this holiday.

I was almost 12 in 1919. We survived the mobilization of World War I in 1914 (none of our family fought in that war), and devastation in 1916. The events of 1917 [the so-called Great October Socialist revolution] hardly touched us. We learned about what was going on in the country from two newspapers (by the way, they were sold in daddy's store). Each day a train from Kiev brought two newspapers: one was a monarchic newspaper, Kievskaya mysl [Kiev Thought], and the other one was a small and cheap one, Yuzhnaya kopeika [Southern Kopeck]. From Kievskaya mysl we learned about the dethronement of the tsar, the Provisional Government and the Bolshevik takeover. We were happy that there hadn't been one shot fired in Borispol as yet and that the events were happening somewhere else. We thought it might go on like that. 1918 was not marked by any disasters either. Military units came and left, doing no harm to us until the dreadful October of 1919. Neither my 10-year-old sister Ida nor I had any negative feelings related to our Jewish origin before. By that time my sister and I were studying at school. This was a Russian school. There was no Jewish school in Borispol then. We felt some isolation at school when a priest came to school to teach religion to orthodox children, and we Jewish kids did not attend this class.

In October 1919 military units of the White Army that was in opposition to the Bolshevik order came to Borispol. Those units looked more like gangs 2, involved in robberies and murders, although there were quite a few tsarist officers in them. At first they executed Bolsheviks and then started beating and murdering Jewish people and burning their houses. This pogrom happened at the same time as the Simchat Torah holiday. Almost the entire Jewish population was in the synagogue, and that's where the slaughter started. All those who couldn't run away were killed there. My grandfather Zalman perished there, as well as his younger son and my uncle Shaya. My daddy and mamma with my two-year-old brother Semyon were hiding in the house of some villagers that they knew. My sister Ida and I ran to our teacher. She was Polish and she had been teaching us for a year before these events. She lived in the yard of the parish school and she kept us in some cellar for several days. When it got colder she took us to her house. She had two daughters. We knew nothing about our daddy and mamma.

The pogrom lasted for a few days, and the screams of the executed people could be heard at night and during the day. After a few days we left our rescuer. We were on the way home when our parents found us. Our house and our grandparents' house were burned, and we couldn't find shelter anywhere. Denikin soldiers were still in town. We were hiding in the gardens and haystacks. My ten-year-old sister and I witnessed an officer beating an elderly man with a rifle-butt until he fell down dead. Aunt Gisia told me later that some bandit was trying to rape her and only her monthly indisposition saved her.

That was how we began to fully identify ourselves as Jews. Our houses were burned and we had no possessions left. We had had no gold or jewelry, although the family was rather well off. After the pogrom we had nothing to live on and we had lost our dear ones. Daddy and mamma, we three kids, and our granny Chernia went to Kiev where there were practically no gangs at that time. We found shelter at our acquaintances' place and lived there for some time. That was where my new life began as well as the history of our family's calamities during the terrible postwar years. I can say that this pogrom was like a black bar, underlining my sister's and my childhood. Our little brother was too young to realize what was happening. But he bore his Jewish identity physically - he was circumcised after his birth (our family observed all Jewish traditions), and everything that happened to him afterwards followed from this fact in one way or another.

Now my own life and the life of my family before the pogrom seem rosy to me. And always, when something terrible or unpleasant was happening to me, I thought that my happiness had stayed there. I only remember love and it seems to me that Jewish and other people were living on friendly terms in Borispol until that horrible day. I don't think I ever heard the word 'zhyd' [kike] before 1919. This may be wrong, but psychologically my life was divided into two periods. And since then I have tried to slip away from my Jewish identity, either consciously or subconsciously. However, I could never escape.

Five of us went to Kiev: mamma and daddy and three children. Our grandmother (now widowed) stayed in Borispol for some time with one of her daughters, mamma's sister. Later she moved to Kiev. The first years in Kiev (1920 to 1922) were very difficult. For a short while we lived with our acquaintances; all five of us in a small room for servants, near the kitchen. Then we lived in some basements, and later we got accommodation in an apartment at Podol 3. This apartment belonged to the landlords Friedland once, a very rich family. Theirs was an eight or nine-room apartment, and after the revolution other families got accommodation in their apartment. Their big apartment changed into a communal flat with quite a few neighbors. In the course of time, there was only one old woman of all the Friedlands living in that apartment. I believe their children emigrated. This old woman Friedland hated all her new and numerous neighbors. The neighbors were mainly Jewish.

Life was extremely difficult - no jobs, no means of existence. I remember a young woman hanging herself in the next door room. She must have done it out of despair. Daddy couldn't find a job. I never saw him smiling after the pogrom. A few years later he died from typhoid, and before that he suffered from continuous heartaches. Mamma went to work as seamstress at a factory. She worked there until she grew old, before 1938 approximately. It is difficult to say what kind of food we had or what we were wearing in those years. It must have been junk food and shabby and worn-out clothes. Mamma was very handy with clothes: she could make one piece from two old pieces of clothing.

In 1921, after daddy died, she was left with three children. I was 14, my sister 13, and the youngest Semyon, was 4 years old. He was very weak; he never had enough food or vitamins. There were eight families living in this big apartment that belonged to the Friedlands. They were Jewish families that used to be well off, but had lost everything. It was a difficult life; people didn't help or support one another. I don't remember any Jewish holidays or Jewish way of life. People were just trying to survive. So did we.

Thanks to mamma, my sister and I could study. We went to school. I went to a Russian school and Ida went to a Ukrainian school for some reason. There were quite a few Jewish children and teachers in my school. It seems they were all living in poverty. However, I remember few very rich girls in our school. They must have lived in Kiev, when we came there to escape from the pogroms. I remember that these girls were merry, not hungry, and well dressed. This made them very different from us. I also remember that they left the country in 1922, 1923 and 1924 with their parents. They went somewhere to Western Europe. And the teachers that had taught in the former high schools for noble children in Kiev lived in hunger and poverty. I remember the teacher of Russian literature and language that had a big influence on me and my personality. Looking at her I wanted to become a teacher, and maybe her example determined my choice to follow that profession.

In 1924 I finished school. By the way, this school became a Jewish school in 1925. There was a decree issued. According to this decree some schools in Kiev became Jewish schools. My school also became Jewish and they taught in Yiddish, although it was a secular school.

My younger brother Semyon also went to study there. In this school he took to liking Jewish literature and photography. The boys made cameras guided by their favorite teachers. One couldn't even dream about a real camera. This hobby determined his future profession: he became an outstanding cameraman and an apprentice of the famous Roman Karmen in Moscow. [Karmen is an outstanding film director and cameraman, who captured with his camera some of the most important moments of 20th century history, like the Spanish civil war, the opening of the concentration camps, the Cuban revolution, etc.]

I wanted to study and could continue my education, thanks to mamma. I had chosen my profession by then. I went to the Pedagogical College. I didn't have any nationality or social problems during my entrance to school. I had a problem when I wanted to become a Komsomol 4 member. In contrast to my sister Ida, I was interested in politics and I accepted the Soviet way of life and thinking, although it did not agree with our family tradition. Still, I wanted to become a Komsomol member and tried very hard to implement this. This also had to do with the numerous forms that everyone had to fill out at that time. There I had to put down the social origin of my father. If I had written that he owned a store, even if it was a long time ago, the road to the school or Komsomol would have been closed for me. Mamma and I found a way out - we wrote that my father had been a minor craftsman. We did so and it worked out. I became a Komsomol member in 1924, the year of Lenin's death.

Lenin's death was a blow to me but not to my family. I mourned deeply. I remember two things - hoots on the day of his funeral; everything that could produce a sound was hooting. This was different and scary. It gave the impression of uncertainty. And another thing that struck me was the poem of Vladimir Mayakovskiy, 'Vladimir Illich Lenin.' It began with the description of his death and funeral. It seemed amazing to me that it came out a month after Lenin's death. I decided then that I would take to literature. I was reading a lot then. I devoured fiction and scientific books. Fiction was Russian classical literature. There were hardly any books at home; we hardly had anything at all. But there were good libraries in town and I spent all my free time in them.

It's interesting how nostalgia for the past and revolutionary romanticism entwined in my young mind. As for my political preferences, Stalin was not standing beside Lenin then. The second individual after Lenin was Leon Trotsky for me and for many of my contemporaries. By the way, that Trotsky was Jewish meant nothing to us, we valued and respected him for other qualities.

The years of my study at the Pedagogical College, 1924-29, were the years of the New Economic Policy [NEP] 5 of the Soviet government. It was the end of the famine 6. The stores were selling beautiful clothes, white flour and white bread. I hadn't seen them since my early childhood. But we were extremely poor and couldn't afford them. I remember going on tour to Moscow, wearing shoes with holes and a light jacket. It was winter and the temperature was 25 degrees below zero. I saw the Soviet capital for the first time. I hardly ever went on vacations. I tried to earn a little money during vacations. I worked as a babysitter, and then a nurse in kindergartens and pioneer camps.

My sister also went to Pedagogical College after finishing secondary school. Only I was at the Russian College named after Pirogov, and she went to the Ukrainian Pedagogical College named after Grinchenko. She became a teacher of Ukrainian literature and language and I became a history teacher.

Our life improved a little in those years. We were still wearing the poorest clothes, but we had more food. Our relatives lived on the 4th floor in the same house as us. My grandmother Chernia lived in a little room with no water or toilet or any other conveniences. She lived with her younger daughter and my aunt Bella. They moved to Kiev from Borispol and we hardly ever saw each other. I hardly know anything about the life of this line of my relatives. Unfortunately, there was nothing left from our former Jewish life in our family or my grandmother's family. I remember my first and only visit to the synagogue in Kiev. It was after daddy died. My brother was too small, and I had to read the Kaddish, the prayer for my father. I came to the synagogue and realized that I wouldn't read any Kaddish, because I identified myself as a Soviet person, and all this was closed to me. I haven't been in a synagogue since then.

After I finished my school I had to go to a far-away village in the vicinity of Kharkov to work as a teacher. The school was in a house with low ceilings and ground floors. There were a few desks and a teacher's desk and the room was dusty. I worked there for a whole year as director and teacher at the primary school. I was living nearby. The house belonged to an old woman. It was cold and very uncomfortable. Back then I made up my mind to live a human life and to build up my own family.

After returning to Kiev I got another assignment to work in the so-called school for the liquidation of ignorance, at the factory where they made matches. I was teaching twenty older women to read and write.

I was twenty when I got a job at a town school. I met my future husband then. It was at the home of Marusia Simanovich, my ex-co-student, where I was introduced to Semyon Goldfine who was almost 26. He was already a well- known journalist, had publications in the Soviet mass media and had a pseudonym. It was Semyon Moiseyevich Gordeyev. They said he loved me at first sight. And I was looking in the opposite direction. To stop his courting I went to Donbass to teach at a new school. And there, far away from him I understood that he was my life. I answered his letters. He immediately came to take me away. He took me as his fiancée, first to Kharkov and then to Kiev. Here I met my future husband's family. He lived with his mother and sister. There were no more relatives. They lived on the ground floor of a small house. There were no conveniences in that house. I didn't have anywhere to live, as there were four of us living in one room with my brother. So, after the wedding I moved in with my husband. His mother and sister accepted me very well. My husband was from a very poor Jewish family from a small shtetl, Makarov, Kiev area. I don't know much about his parents, but the family lived a very difficult life. They observed Jewish traditions and all of them spoke Yiddish.

We got married in July 1931. My sister Ida and I got married at the same time at the registration office of Podol district in Kiev. We had two weddings at a time. We had dinner after our wedding. There were no special guests or special rituals. My sister and her husband stayed at my mother's place, and I moved in with the Goldfine family. We lived there for several years in a little room, one of the two that the family occupied. Misha Shepelyov, he was also Jewish, my sister's husband, was also a teacher. He worked in Kiev, and later in Zhytomir. Later he perished on the front in the first days of World War II.

Our son Victor was born in this little room. We lived there until 1938, when Semyon Gordeyev, my husband, became a member of the Union of Soviet Writers and we received our apartment in Lenin Street, in the so-called Writer's Building in Kiev. I worked as a history teacher in a lower secondary, and then a higher secondary school. I studied at the Kiev Pedagogical Institute from 1932-35. My husband had over 10 books published by that time. Our life improved a little. Our circle of friends became wider and more interesting. But this was after 1935.

Our son was born in 1933 and that was an awful period in our life, the period of collectivization 7, i.e., the period of collective farms formation, and the 1933 famine in the Ukraine. The Soviet government took all the grain and bread away from the peasants and farmers to force them into joining the collective farms. This was called the 'state grain procurements'. My husband had to go to villages and describe these processes in the newspaper. He was a Soviet writer. His business trips to villages were very long. This work was not just psychologically hard, but also dangerous - the starved people hated those who were doing this to them and often fought for their bread and families with pitchforks in their hands. Ukrainian villages were full of rumors about cannibalism. My husband returned from these trips morally depressed and physically ill. In Kiev or other bigger towns of Ukraine the situation was not so adverse. Townsfolk were getting rationed food. Our family also got rationed food. But I saw women dying from hunger in the streets. They were coming from villages but didn't get any help. This lasted until the end of 1934. Until 1934 we also got meals in the special canteen at the Regional Committee of the Communist Party. I took food for my family from there. This food supported our family and my mother. She was still working and also received rationed food. I also gave some food to my husband's mother - she wasn't working and couldn't earn her living. My sister Ida and her husband were in Donbass then. They managed, more or less.

1935-1936 was the time of repression [the so-called Great Terror] 8. They were chasing after the 'enemies of the people'. They didn't find any in my school. But in the Union of Soviet Writers arrests began in 1936. There was a rule that before a writer was arrested, they expelled him from the Party. My husband, Semyon Gordeyev, was Deputy First Secretary of the Communist Party Committee at the Union of Soviet Writers. He had to conduct these meetings. It was all so scary that he didn't tell me anything about them. The writers often committed suicide, knowing the procedure after they were expelled from the Party. Semyon suffered all his life for being involved in all this. He expected to be arrested, too. When we heard about the Great Patriotic War 9, the first thing that he said was, 'Thank God, they won't arrest me, and I will be killed on the front.' Arrests of the writers continued until the start of the war and afterwards. They happened almost every night and we were aware of them.

During the war

We lived in the Writers' Building. The war with the Germans became an escape from the fear of arrest for many people. This war was a surprise for us. It is difficult to imagine this now. We had known that it might begin since the end of 1939. There was a map in our teachers' room at school, and every day our geography teacher marked the areas occupied by Hitler. The circle was getting narrower and narrower. But we still believed that it would not happen to us. We also knew about the German attitude towards the Jewish people from newspapers. In 1938 they showed Doctor Mamlock in Kiev. [This was a German film about a remarkable Jewish physician who hoped for salvation. He was killed because he was Jewish.] We were struck by what we saw, but again, we thought it wouldn't happen to us. It was so far from me then that I didn't even associate Denikin's pogrom with what I saw. My husband and I were so far from this kind of development that we planned a second baby. Our second son was born in February 1941.

At the beginning of the war Kiev was full of the people from the western parts of Ukraine. There were many Jews among them; there were some that we knew. They stayed with us. It was from them that I heard about the Germans' attitude towards the Jews. But again, this resulted in our decision to leave Kiev as soon as possible. On 6th July we left on the writers' train to be evacuated to Ufa, Bashkyria. We were running away from the war with one little suitcase, full of photographs and diapers. We had our 4-month- old Lyonechka [Leonid] and 6-year-old Victor with us, as well as my mother. We were running away from the raids and had no idea what occupation was like. We couldn't imagine the horrors of it. So, the four of us left. My sister Ida, her husband and their two daughters were in Zhytomir at the beginning of the war. They found us in Bashkyria later.

My brother Semyon was mobilized to the front. He went through the whole war with military units. He had finished the Russian State Institute of Cinematography, the famous VGIK, in Moscow by that time, and was sent to serve in the army at the beginning of 1940. He was on the front line until his tragic death in Vienna at the end of April 1945.

During the war, until the summer of 1944, I worked as a history teacher in the small village of Chishmy in the vicinity of Ufa. We lived with mamma in a cold house near the school. We got coal to heat the house by ourselves; we also grew vegetables in the vegetable garden. We received letters and money from my husband and my brother during the war. But our life was very hard, the children got ill, they were not adjusted to the climate there.

I was a history teacher at the higher secondary school. We heard about the war on the radio and read about it in newspapers. From 1942 all my students turning 17 were summoned to the front. At my history classes we also talked about tsarist Russia and the status of the Jews. But telling them about the pogroms, I never mentioned my personal experience. This seemed impossible and improper then. It wouldn't have occurred to me to share my own experience.

It seemed that we were the only Jewish family in this village. There were no Jews at school or among my colleagues. The locals treated us well. I will always remember a young teacher who saw me holding a baby. She came on a visit with a small bottle of milk for the baby. I never heard the word 'zhyd' [kike] there.

My sister Ida and her children joined us in the middle of the war. Her husband Mikhail perished on the front. She became a widow during the first days of the war. We read about the horrors of the occupation of Kiev in the newspapers, the extermination of several thousands of Jews. We suffered terribly. Rivka Margolina, Semyon's mother, was living in Kiev. She was dying in hospital from an incurable illness. We don't know until now how she died. We suffered form the hardships of life. In the middle of 1942 we cheered up, seeing that we would win the war and that it was not the end of everything.

In 1943 we were looking forward to the liberation of Kiev. It was liberated in autumn. We were happy. In the summer of 1944 my family and I returned to Kiev, which was empty, dark and ruined, but so dear to us. There was no electricity, heating, gas or water in our house, but it was not destroyed. We returned home, all of us, but grandmother Chernia. She came to Bashkyria with my sister Ida in the middle of the war and died there a few months later at the age of 64. My husband Semyon Moiseyevich returned in 1946, the whole time he was mobilized in military units, and served far away from us.

Almost on Victory Day, on 5th May 1945 we received notification about the death of my brother Semyon, a military cameraman. So this day of everybody's joy and happiness became the day of deepest sorrow for us. We found out that he was buried at the cemetery of the Soviet military in Vienna. Later his colleagues brought us the video that they took during his funeral at the end of April 1945.

After the war

We hardly recovered from this disaster in 1947-48, when we were covered by the wave of anti-Semitism . It was especially clearly felt in Kiev. This started with the campaign of the Soviet government against cosmopolitans. 10 The intelligentsia suffered the most from it. Arrests began anew in our Writers' Building, but this time they were arresting the Jewish writers. Gofstein, a famous writer, was arrested, and our friend Riva Baliasnaya, a poet. After few years in prison camps she remained an invalid for the rest of her life.

Fortunately, I got a job teaching history. That was what I wanted. But Semyon Moiseyevich didn't have any official posts. Nominally he remained a member of the Union of Soviet Writers, but actually he was a free artist. Naturally, free from his salary as well. I became the main breadwinner at home. The change of attitude of the people surrounding me came as a sad surprise. They turned into anti-Semites almost from one day to the next. Many of our Ukrainian friends among writers just pretended they didn't know us and divorced their Jewish wives. The rumor was actively spread that NKVD 11 officers were mainly Jews. I found out that Mr. Shtepa, my favorite professor from the Pedagogical Institute, was at the head of the anti- Semitic press in occupied Kiev. It looked as if the Soviet government didn't blame him for it.

The situation became aggravated because the rumors appeared that Jewish doctors didn't give proper care to people. This was the Doctors' Plot 12 - because of it we were afraid to go out into the streets. The Jews in Kiev were actively getting ready to be moved to the remote areas of the Soviet Union. [The interviewee refers to the planned deportation of Jews to Birobidzhan.] 13 Therefore, the establishment of Israel, the Jewish State, went almost unnoticed for us. Besides, even if we wanted to leave, we didn't have any physical opportunity to do this.

In 1953 my mother died, and my sister Ida and I were left. Ida got married for the second time. Hers wasn't a happy marriage. Perhaps, this pushed her to emigration. She went to Israel in the early 1970s, lived many years there, and died in Netanya several years ago.

Our children were growing up. Victor and then Leonid studied at my school. This caused some problems and helped to get rid of others. They took their daddy's pseudonym for their last name and became the Gordeyevs. This was a trick to conceal their Jewish identity. But it was equivocal, as I didn't conceal that I was Jewish at all. In their passports, under Item 5 14 it was also written that their nationality was Jewish.

Victor chose the humanities direction after finishing school. But in the 1960s higher education in the humanities was closed for him, as he was a Jew. The only institute in Kiev that he could enter was the Institute of Light Industry. This institute gave him the profession that he didn't like at all.

Victor began to identify himself as a Jew in 1940 when he saw Doctor Mamlock. It was our mistake to take him with us. After the film he suffered from psychological shock. Later he was overtaken by the tragedy of the unloved profession. He saw the way out of the crisis in running away from his Jewish identity. He married a Russian girl. He wanted his children to have no problems with nationality in the future. He couldn't make up his mind about leaving the Soviet Union, either in the 1970s or the 1980s.

Leonid, our younger son, entered the Odessa Communications Institute after finishing school. It wasn't his choice either, but he didn't suffer from it. Perhaps he had a more solid position in life and national consciousness than my older son. He was standing on the ground with his both feet. Nevertheless, he decided to emigrate in 1992. But he didn't choose the far- away United States or Israel, with its national orientation. He went to Germany. He and his wife and my grandchildren live in Munich now.

In 1990 my husband Semyon Moiseyevich Goldfine-Gordeyev died. It seems to me now that my older son Victor takes after his father. Victor is retired now. He is 67 and he wants to publish a collection of his father's works for his 100th anniversary.

My younger son works in Munich. He seems to have found his place in the Western world. My children, their wives and children and my grandchildren take care of me. My son Leonid calls me every week. I hear Victor's voice on the phone every day. I can feel them beside me all the time.

Leonid and Victor have continuously invited me to move in with them. However, I clearly made up my mind that my freedom is most important for me. Besides, I am 95 and I believe that the only land where I can feel free and happy is the land where I was born. I remember my husband was of the same opinion. However, I am in touch with Israel. My three nieces, Ida's daughters, live in Israel. Two of them live in Netanya, and one lives in Tzefat with her husband. They have six children.

Regrettably, I have never been to Israel. In general I haven't traveled much. I wanted very much to visit this country, to see how my natives live there, but it has never been really possible.

I have lived alone for 10 years. There are three portraits in my room: my mother's, my husband's and my brother's. They are my dearest people. I talk to them every day. I look back at our long and hard life and ask myself whether I did everything right. The only thing that disturbs me is the cemetery in Vienna where my brother was buried. The Soviet authorities never allowed my husband and me to go there and put flowers on his grave. I feel guilty about it. There is another cemetery in Kiev - the Jewish cemetery - where my father and my mother are buried. It's becoming more and more difficult for me to get there.

I am happy about my children and grandchildren. I am happy about the perspectives opening for the Jews. I am pleased that there are so many possibilities in Ukraine now to develop Jewish consciousness. I realize, however, that my time has gone. I am a very Soviet person and regrettably, never kept Jewish traditions and holidays. After the death of mamma in 1953 so much left my life forever. I feel so sorry that I cannot work. I worked for over 75 years of my life. Many of my students have become candidates and doctors in sciences. Many of my former students are retired now. They don't forget me and I feel their love and support. I have hopes for the future. I hope that my children, grandchildren and my future great- grandchildren have a better life than I did. But I wouldn't repudiate anything in my life.

Glossary

1 Denikin, Anton Ivanovich (1872-1947)

White Army general. During the civil war he fought against the Red Army in the South of Ukraine.

2 Gangs

During the Civil War in 1918-1920 there were all kinds of gangs in the Ukraine. Their members came from all the classes of former Russia, but most of them were peasants. Their leaders used political slogans to dress their criminal acts. These gangs were anti-Soviet and anti-Semitic. They killed Jews and burnt their houses, they robbed their houses, raped women and killed children. 3 Podol: The lower section of Kiev. It has always been viewed as the Jewish region of Kiev. In tsarist Russia Jews were only allowed to live in Podol, which was the poorest part of the city. Before World War II 90% of the Jews of Kiev lived there.

4 Komsomol

Communist youth political organization created in 1918. The task of the Komsomol was to spread of the ideas of communism and involve the worker and peasant youth in building the Soviet Union. The Komsomol also aimed at giving a communist upbringing by involving the worker youth in the political struggle, supplemented by theoretical education. The Komsomol was more popular than the Communist Party because with its aim of education people could accept uninitiated young proletarians, whereas party members had to have at least a minimal political qualification.

5 NEP

The so-called New Economic Policy of the Soviet authorities was launched by Lenin in 1921. It meant that private business was allowed on a small scale in order to save the country ruined by the October Revolution and the Civil War. They allowed priority development of private capital and entrepreneurship. The NEP was gradually abandoned in the 1920s with the introduction of the planned economy.

6 Famine in Ukraine

In 1920 a deliberate famine was introduced in the Ukraine causing the death of millions of people. It was arranged in order to suppress those protesting peasants who did not want to join the collective farms. There was another dreadful deliberate famine in 1930-1934 in the Ukraine. The authorities took away the last food products from the peasants. People were dying in the streets, whole villages became deserted. The authorities arranged this specifically to suppress the rebellious peasants who did not want to accept Soviet power and join collective farms.

7 Collectivization

In the late 1920s - early 1930s private farms were liquidated and collective farms established by force on a mass scale in the USSR. Many peasants were arrested during this process. As a result of the collectivization, the number of farmers and the amount of agricultural production was greatly reduced and famine struck in the Ukraine, the Northern Caucasus, the Volga and other regions in 1932-33.

8 Great Terror (1934-1938)

During the Great Terror, or Great Purges, which included the notorious show trials of Stalin's former Bolshevik opponents in 1936-1938 and reached its peak in 1937 and 1938, millions of innocent Soviet citizens were sent off to labor camps or killed in prison. The major targets of the Great Terror were communists. Over half of the people who were arrested were members of the party at the time of their arrest. The armed forces, the Communist Party, and the government in general were purged of all allegedly dissident persons; the victims were generally sentenced to death or to long terms of hard labor. Much of the purge was carried out in secret, and only a few cases were tried in public 'show trials'. By the time the terror subsided in 1939, Stalin had managed to bring both the party and the public to a state of complete submission to his rule. Soviet society was so atomized and the people so fearful of reprisals that mass arrests were no longer necessary. Stalin ruled as absolute dictator of the Soviet Union until his death in March 1953.

9 Great Patriotic War

On 22nd June 1941 at 5 o'clock in the morning Nazi Germany attacked the Soviet Union without declaring war. This was the beginning of the so-called Great Patriotic War. 10 Campaign against 'cosmopolitans': The campaign against 'cosmopolitans', i.e. Jews, was initiated in articles in the central organs of the Communist Party in 1949. The campaign was directed primarily at the Jewish intelligentsia and it was the first public attack on Soviet Jews as Jews. 'Cosmopolitans' writers were accused of hating the Russian people, of supporting Zionism, etc. Many Yiddish writers as well as the leaders of the Jewish Anti-Fascist Committee were arrested in November 1948 on charges that they maintained ties with Zionism and with American 'imperialism'. They were executed secretly in 1952. The antisemitic Doctors' Plot was launched in January 1953. A wave of anti-Semitism spread through the USSR. Jews were removed from their positions, and rumors of an imminent mass deportation of Jews to the eastern part of the USSR began to spread. Stalin's death in March 1953 put an end to the campaign against 'cosmopolitans'.

11 NKVD

People's Committee of Internal Affairs; it took over from the GPU, the state security agency, in 1934.

12 Doctors' Plot

The Doctors' Plot was an alleged conspiracy of a group of Moscow doctors to murder leading government and party officials. In January 1953, the Soviet press reported that nine doctors, six of whom were Jewish, had been arrested and confessed their guilt. As Stalin died in March 1953, the trial never took place. The official paper of the party, the Pravda, later announced that the charges against the doctors were false and their confessions obtained by torture. This case was one of the worst anti-Semitic incidents during Stalin's reign. In his secret speech at the Twentieth Party Congress in 1956 Khrushchev stated that Stalin wanted to use the Plot to purge the top Soviet leadership.

13 Birobidzhan

Formed in 1928 to give Soviet Jews a home territory and to increase settlement along the vulnerable borders of the Soviet Far East, the area was raised to the status of an autonomous region in 1934. Influenced by an effective propaganda campaign, and starvation in the east, 41,000 Soviet Jews relocated to the area between the late 1920s and early 1930s. But, by 1938 28,000 of them had fled the regions harsh conditions, There were Jewish schools and synagogues up until the 1940s, when there was a resurgence of religious repression after World War II. The Soviet government wanted the forced deportation of all Jews to Birobidjan to be completed by the middle of the 1950s. But in 1953 Stalin died and the deportation was cancelled. Despite some remaining Yiddish influences - including a Yiddish newspaper - Jewish cultural activity in the region has declined enormously since Stalin's anti-cosmopolitanism campaigns and since the liberalization of Jewish emigration in the 1970s. Jews now make up less than 2% of the region's population.

14 Item 5

This was the nationality factor, which was included on all job application forms, Jews, who were considered a separate nationality in the Soviet Union, were not favored in this respect from the end of World War WII until the late 1980s.

Shlima Goldstein

Shlima Goldstein
Kishinev
Moldova
Interviewer: Zhanna Litinskaya
Date of interview: July 2004

Shlima Goldstein and her husband met me in the yard of their house. They live in a nice two-bedroom apartment on the second floor of a five-storied brick apartment building. Shlima introduced herself and said that she was more used to being addressed by her second name of Dora. She is a short, sweet, round-faced slender lady looking young for her age. Her husband is a short, friendly and nice man. He asked us about our work and the objective of this interview with great interest. Their apartment is clean, bright and cozy. There was a smell of cookies spreading from the kitchen: Shlima is a wonderful baker, and she still spoils her husband making all kinds of cookies and cakes for him. Their pet, a shell parakeet, regularly interfered in our discussion.

My family background
Growing up
During the War
Post-war
Glossary


My family background

My life started from a tragic event in our family. I was born the day after my father, Shloime Gersh, died from tuberculosis. My mother named me Shlima in his memory. Shortly after I was born, a young wealthy man visited my mother. He asked her to name me after his wife Dvoira, who had died a short time before. He offered my mother some money, and she promised to give me the second name. The man insisted that I was called Dvoira every day and my mother unwillingly kept her word. That's how it happened that I have two names: Shlima and Dvoira, but I'm more used to the second name. I've always been called Dora, while my name Shlima is written down in my passport.

My tragic appearance in this world had an impact on my childhood and girlhood. My father's parents, brothers and sisters actually turned away from our poor family. I know little about them, as it happens. My grandfather, Moishe Gersh, born in the 1870s, was a hereditary shoemaker. I don't remember my grandmother's name. They were both born in the main town of Bessarabia 1, Kishinev. Moishe and his family lived in a big two- storied house on Pavlovskaya Street in the center of the town. I remember their house. My mother used to take me there on Sabbath. There were candles burning in a big room - it was always dark there as there were heavy velvet curtains on the windows. I enjoyed breathing in the sweet smell of the candles. My grandmother used to make delicious Jewish food on holidays: stuffed fish, chicken broth and stew, tsimes 2, pies and cookies. I enjoyed eating the food, always being hungry. Regretfully, I only visited my grandfather's house a few times.

My grandfather had a shop on the first floor of his house where he worked with his sons who followed into his footsteps. Moishe was a very religious man, a Hasid 3. He had long payes and always had a head piece on: a kippah at home and a wide-brimmed hat to go out. Moishe went to the nearby synagogue of shoemakers every day. My grandmother was a housewife. She had to take care of the house, their vegetable garden, poultry yard where they kept chicken and ducks in the back yard, so my grandmother had a great deal of things to take care of. She was also religious. She went to the synagogue on Sabbath and on Jewish holidays, of course. They strictly observed Jewish traditions at home, followed the kashrut and celebrated Sabbath and all Jewish holidays. They raised their children according to the rules followed by all Jewish families at the time. The boys went to cheder and when they grew of appropriate age, they started assisting their father, helping him in the shop. The girls were involved in housework.

There were five children in the family: two sons and three daughters. My father Shloime, the oldest in the family, was born in 1904. After him came his brother Gersh, sister Sima, sister Ester and another sister, whose name I don't remember. They were born two to three years one after the other. Uncle Gersh was a shoemaker, like my father and grandfather. His wife Ida, a Jew, was a beauty. They got married in 1940. They had no children before the Great Patriotic War 4. Gersh was recruited to the Soviet army and fought at the front line. Ida stayed in the occupation. She and her sister, Tsylia, also a beauty, were raped by fascists. Ida was very ill for a long while, but she survived. When Gersh returned from the war, he couldn't forgive her for becoming a victim of brutal beasts, and left her. Gersh married Frida, a Jewish woman from Kishinev. They had three children. His children Mikhail, Haya and Lev moved to Canada in the 1990s where Gersh died in the early 1990s. Ida, his first wife, didn't live long after the war. Her humiliation and Gersh's betrayal were too much for her to handle. She became mentally ill and died in a psychiatric clinic a few years later.

My father's sister Sima was also married. Her family name was Roitman. Her daughter, Sarah, was born in 1935. Sima's husband perished during the Great Patriotic War. She and her daughter were the only ones in the family to evacuate. After the war Sima remarried and had a good life with her second husband. She died in 1984. Her daughter Sarah moved to Israel in the early 1990s.

I can hardly remember my younger aunts, but they had a tragic life. Grandfather Moishe and his younger daughters decided against evacuation. My grandfather remembered the Germans from the time of World War I. He and many other Jews thought the Germans weren't going to do any harm to the Jews. Besides, he was sorry to leave his house and everything he had earned by working very hard. They stayed in Kishinev and were taken to the [Kishinev] ghetto 5. The fascists raped and brutally killed the girls before my grandmother's eyes. My grandmother couldn't bear it and began to scream. One fascist just killed her and my grandfather.

My father finished cheder and worked with my grandfather and Gersh in the shop. Once he saw my mother, and he fell in love with her. A few days later a matchmaker visited them and my parents got married. This happened in 1924. I didn't know my maternal grandfather. According to what my mother told me, my maternal grandfather, Ruvim Reznik, born in the early 1870s, and my grandmother, Malka, were rather wealthy. My grandfather was a successful businessman. He was a sales agent who traveled to China, where he sold goods from Europe and purchased oriental goods: sweets, fabric, jewelry and souvenirs. My grandfather was thinking of moving to China with his family. He built a house in China, took a picture of it and brought the photo to show it to my grandmother in Kishinev. This wasn't to be.

Almost on the first day after his arrival, my grandfather fell on the street and died from infarction. My grandmother had to take care of their three children. She was born to a wealthy family in Kishinev in 1875. She married my grandfather when she was young. He provided well for her and she didn't have any problems. They rented an apartment in a small one-storied house on Aziatskaya Street, but they were rather well off. When my grandfather died in 1926, my grandmother had to go to work and she worked till the end of her days. She went to a bakery early in the morning to buy rolls and buns by wholesale prices to sell them on the streets. She picked any job she could: she cleaned and did the washing for wealthier people, and nursed elderly people. My grandmother was a kind person. She had many Jewish and Moldovan acquaintances. My grandmother told me that during the Kishinev pogrom in 1903 6, her Moldovan neighbors gave her and her two children shelter in their house. My grandfather was on one of his trips, as usual.

Malka had three children: the sons, Srul and Isaac, and my mother Polia, born in 1906. Srul was much older than my mother. He was very ill and didn't live long. Srul died shortly after my grandfather died. Isaac was a sales agent like my grandfather. He was married. I don't remember his wife's name. Their daughter's name was Anna. Isaac disappeared during the Great Patriotic War. I don't know whether this happened on the occupied territory or elsewhere. His wife and daughter managed to evacuate. I saw Anna once after the war, but I don't know anything else about her.

My mother, Polia, graduated from a Jewish elementary school. She could read and write in Yiddish. My mother rarely saw her father, who always traveled. My grandmother, who was very religious, raised my mother to become a real Jewish girl respecting and observing Jewish traditions. We still keep old silver candle stands that belonged to my grandmother. She lit candles in them on Sabbath. Recently, I gave them to my daughter to keep the memory of our Jewish ancestors. At the time when my mother was a child Bessarabia belonged to Russia and my mother could speak Russian. My mother was a beautiful girl. Her thick hair that she wore in plaits was particularly attractive. Matchmakers didn't take a long time to marry her. My mother and my father's families were rather wealthy and there were no problems with agreeing about the wedding. The wedding was traditional Jewish and took place in the most beautiful synagogue in town, with a chuppah, and a klezmer band, and the tables were covered with traditional Jewish food.

I guess everything nice and good ended with my mother's wedding. She and my father settled down in a small apartment on Alexeyevskaya Street. Nine months later, in 1925, my older sister, Sarah [Alexandra], came into this world. In 1926, my father was recruited to the Romanian army, but he didn't serve there for long: the doctors discovered that he had tuberculosis, and he was demobilized. When my father returned home, my mother was glad at first, but then, when he became bed-ridden, our family lived the hardest years of our life. In 1927, my brother, called Ruvim after my grandfather, was born. After the Great Patriotic War my brother changed his name to the Russian [Common name] 7 name of Grigoriy. By that time my mother, my father and the children moved in with my widowed grandmother. On 16th February 1930 my father died. On 17th February 1930, the day after he died, I, Shlima Dvoira Gersh, was born.

Growing up

After my father died my mother didn't recover for a long time. However, she had three kids and she had to provide for us. My grandmother worked hard selling buns and rolls, and doing her daily work, but she couldn't provide for all of us. My father's relatives incited my aunt, Sima, to tell us that it was my mother's fault that my father had died because she hadn't taken good care of him. She said that they weren't going to support us and that their kin ended with my father's death. Only rarely did they allow my mother and us to go visit them. We were starving and my mother had to send all three of us to an orphanage. My brother was sent to an [Jewish] orphanage for boys and I went to an [Jewish] orphanage for girls in Kishinev. The director of my orphanage was Tsylia Mikhailovna and Pograbinskaya was a nurse. There was also a janitor in the orphanage. His wife was a cleaner. The two of them were Moldovan.

The orphanage was established in a two-storied house. There were two bedrooms on the first floor, one for older girls and one for small kids. There was a big dining and living room on the first floor where we had meals, played and where older girls did their homework. We wore black uniform robes with white collars and had them washed once a week. We also had a shower once a week in the orphanage. Once a month we went to a public bath. In the bath our clothes were treated to protect them from lice while we were taking a bath. Once, I stayed in the bath until late and was late for dinner. The cook gave me the leftover soup: it was thick, with noodles, beans and the meat and I ate to my heart's content and remembered this soup for a long time thinking how lucky I had been.

We didn't have sufficient food in the orphanage. We mainly had cooked cereals like porridge, pearl barley, millet, and at lunch we had thin soup with a slice of bread, but with no butter or oil, this was low calorie food, and we got little of it, we rarely had meat or fish - only on holidays. I remember I always dreamt of having as much food as I wanted, and the other girls felt the same. We had meals at set hours and even had drinks at the same time. We lined up to take a sip from one mug. We used to cling to the cup to drink water, but then they grabbed it from you to give it to another girl. In the afternoon we were supposed to take a nap, but we weren't allowed to go to the bedroom and had to lie down wherever we could manage.

We didn't feel like sleeping, but the older girls watched on us saying that those who didn't go to sleep would get no afternoon snack. I learned to dodge them. I didn't sleep, but when it was time to get up, I stretched my body and yawned as if I had just opened my eyes. We had a slice of bread and baked apple slices that tasted like a delicacy to us. Apples were picked in the garden which belonged to the orphanage. There was a high fence around it and we could only see the top branches of the old trees. We weren't allowed to go to the garden. When we began to study religion, I learned about hell and paradise. I imagined this garden was paradise and I wanted to go there so much.

We observed Jewish traditions in the orphanage. On Friday we went to the synagogue. The older girls stood at the entrance with big mugs where parishioners dropped money for the orphanage and we stood beside them. In the evening the older girls lit candles in the orphanage and we celebrated Sabbath. We also celebrated Jewish holidays in the orphanage. On Chanukkah we had potato pancakes, doughnuts with jam and were given little gifts. If only they had given us more pancakes and doughnuts - I could never have enough food. On Purim we had costumes made for us: paper collars and masks, and we sang merry songs about Purim, had fun playing with rattles and ate hamantashen.

My favorite holiday was Pesach. A few days before the holiday the janitor and his wife whitewashed the building, changed the curtains and tablecloths and we knew the holiday was forthcoming. We sat at the festive table and waited for the patroness of our orphanage, Helena Babich, and her husband. I don't know what her husband did, he may have been a businessman, they just always came together. He was a handsome man: tall, smart, and neatly dressed. They always came in for the first seder to read the Haggadah and prayers and celebrate with us. I don't remember whether there was all food according to the Haggadah on the table, but we were happy to have hot beef broth, chicken, eggs, potatoes - there was plenty of food to make us feel happy.

Girls had the bat mitzvah ritual when they turned 13. They also fasted on Yom Kippur walking pale and swaying a bit as if they hadn't eaten for a month. My sister was with the older girls. She felt jealous about me since when my mother visited us at the orphanage I climbed onto her lap begging her to take me home. My mother got angry and hushed me, and my older sister pinched me pulling me down. I didn't understand how hard it was for my mother to know that I was so unhappy in the orphanage. I envied my little brother who was at home. He couldn't stay in the orphanage. He cried even more than I did. One day my grandmother went to the orphanage and saw him so small, thin and weak. He might have been disposed to tuberculosis having been born from our ill father. He was crying repeating, 'Grandma, take me home.' She grabbed him and took him home and he stayed there. My grandmother visited me more often bringing buns and rolls, cuddling and kissing me. Sometimes she came with my brother, whom I loved dearly. When my grandmother met the older girls coming from school to the orphanage she always gave them something for me.

At the age of seven I went to the Jewish vocational school. We studied in Yiddish, but we also knew Romanian. We studied general subjects for four years and did a vocational course during our fifth year at school. My sister studied dressmaking. I was to become a carton folder, but I never went to study this course - the Soviet regime was established. Our dear patroness, kind and fair Helena died in 1936, but her husband continued her charity initiative.

We lived a rather secluded life in the orphanage. Later, I heard about Zionist organizations and clubs for young people that were numerous in Kishinev, but we had no access there. We went to the Jewish Theater once or twice in all those years. So we didn't know about what had happened in Bessarabia in the late 1930s - about the fascist party of the Cuzists 8; we became aware of their anti-Semitic demonstrations much later. Therefore, I didn't know why people were so happy to greet the Soviet army on 28th June 1940. We went to Alexandrovskaya Street wearing our robes where we joined the exultant crowd shouting, 'Here come our liberators!' That same day my mother rushed to the orphanage. She hugged Tsylia Mikhailovna, my tutor, who was also happy to greet the Soviets.

During the War

I didn't know about the situation around or that the Soviet authorities had arrested and deported many leaders of Jewish organizations. There were some changes in the orphanage. We didn't have to sleep in the afternoon or, if we felt like having a nap, we were allowed to go to the bedroom. But most importantly, they opened the gate to the garden and I ran there climbing a tree and breathing in fresh air thinking that this was 'paradise.' However, we had to say 'good by' to our religious ideas as the Soviets declared a war [struggle] against religion 9, and we were told there was no God, but I've always had Him in my heart. We became pioneers [see All-Union pioneer organization] 10 at the ceremony in the new House of Pioneers in the center of the town where we went as frequently as we used to go to the synagogue before.

In November 1940 all children's homes were clustered, both Jewish and Romanian. We were taken to a big orphanage in the former German colony 11 in Alexandrfeld district. The Germans had been deported before we arrived there. [The forced deportation of Germans in the Soviet Union was carried out without exception in 1940. Men between the ages of 16 and 60 were sent to 'Trudarmija' a special prison camp, where they were treated as enemies of the state. Their possessions were seized and they weren't permitted to return to their communities.] I cried so bitterly saying 'good by' to my mother, as if I knew I wasn't going to see my relatives for a long time. In this new orphanage we were assigned to groups and each group stayed in a house. My sister was also there, but we rarely saw each other, as she was in a senior group. In September we started our studies in Russian. It was hard to learn new words or understand what they were saying in Russian. We only spoke Yiddish and sometimes Romanian to one another.

That was where we were, when the Great Patriotic War began. I remember this bright summer day. There was some tension in it. The older girls were whispering to one another. We didn't know what was happening. We were told to go to bed in our clothes. We were awakened late at night. There were oxen-harnessed wagons in the yard. The younger children were told to get into wagons and we moved on. I didn't even have time to say 'good by' to my sister. We were taken to the railway station, when an air raid began. We scattered around seeing horrible black planes. When the raid was over there were dead people on the ground, but fortunately we all survived. We were scared seeing death on the first day of the war.

We were told to board a train. We boarded a passenger train. There were trains full of soldiers going past us. They shouted something and waved their hands to us. We also shouted to them our warm words wishing them victory to come soon. Everybody believed the victory wasn't to be waited for long. Two days later we arrived at a children's home in the town of Ananyevka, Odessa region. We washed ourselves, had a meal and got new clothes. The war seemed to be far away. I missed my mother and grandmother. I didn't know where they were. A few days later the older girls arrived. My sister was with them. I rushed to her and asked her to let me stay with her, but my strict and cruel sister strictly told me to go back to my junior group. She didn't want to let me stay with her for at least a few days.

I was so overstressed that I fell asleep for almost 24 hours, when I went back to my junior group. We stayed in this children's home for a few weeks. It was warm and everything seemed to be all right. I also believed that my mother would be there soon looking for me. In July we evacuated again. This time the children from Russian, Ukrainian and Moldovan children's homes lined up together to march to the east. The food ration - a little bread, margarine, dried bread, cookies, tinned beans - that we received, was gone very soon and like hungry pups we scattered into the field as soon as we saw something edible there like tomatoes, cucumbers or sunflowers. We walked during the daytime and stayed at places overnight. As soon as we settled down for the night another air raid began. Somebody spread the rumor that the chief of this column was a traitor who had signaled to the German planes with his torch.

I don't know whether this was true or not, but only 350 out of 1,200 children reached the destination point, Dnepropetrovsk [420 km from Kiev] having covered 250 kilometers, the rest died from hunger, exhaustion, or perished under the bombs. They were left in roadside ravines. I had a thorn in my foot that caused a big abscess. If we had had to walk further I wouldn't have been able to do it. Everything comes from God. He wanted me to survive. In Dnepropetrovsk we boarded a freight train to move on. I don't know how long the trip lasted, but I remember the horror and fear of the bombings. We arrived at a settlement. I think this was a resort in Rostov region. We were taken to the public bath, where we had our hair shaven and were given new clothes. When we came out of there we couldn't recognize each other as we looked so awful. We were treated well.

We were provided with three meals a day, but we were so starved that it was never enough. So, we went to the backyard of the kitchen to pick any food leftovers we could find. We stayed in this village from August till November 1941. In November we moved to the East again. We arrived in the village of Ladovskaya Balka in Stavropol region. We were freezing during our trip. It was almost winter-time, but we didn't have warm clothes. We were kept in an isolation ward for almost a month. When we were allowed to come out of there, it was the New Year. There was a Christmas tree brought for us, miserable wanderers. We were so happy. I recalled the central park in Kishinev where there was always a Christmas tree put up on New Year. [In the Soviet Union, a Christmas tree, deprived of its religious meaning, was put up for New Year.]

We stayed there till July 1942. This was probably the best time of my wartime wanderings. We went to school and had suitable meals in the children's home. In July 1942, the fascists came close to the village and we had to evacuate in a rush. We walked in a single file, mostly at nighttime. We were told that we were heading for Armavir, 80 kilometers from there, where we were to take a train to be safe. One morning we came near a village and approached a bridge, when an air raid began. There were our and German planes flying in the sky and bombs seemed to be falling from everywhere. We were running around on the bank, and the military shouted to us that we should run away. We ran over the bridge and when we crossed, it collapsed. The retreating Soviet troops blasted the bridge. We hid in a corn field.

There was fighting all around us. There was a horrific battle in the vicinity of Armavir. As it had happened before, I fell asleep from fear. When I woke up, it was dark. The battle was over and my friends and I left our shelter. We walked on, trembling from fear, little homeless kids caught in the war. We were even more scared than those children whose mothers, grandmothers or whatever relatives were with them. We reached a trench where there were people hiding. They started yelling to us to go away before the fascists saw us. A woman called us to come closer. She asked us who we were and where we were from and we stayed beside her. She was a common Ukrainian woman, kind, fair-haired. She had a kind face. Her name was Yelena Ivanovna. From then on we stayed with her. We followed her like ducklings following their mother duck. There were ten of us. She took us out of the combat area. We met retreating Soviet troops on the road. Yelena Ivanovna talked with an officer for quite a while. He advised her to go to a village where we might be safe. He said the army was retreating, but that they would come back.

We found a haystack to stay in overnight and got going at dawn. We walked a whole day till we reached the village of Slobodka in Krasnodar region. Soviet authorities had evacuated: the chairman of the local kolkhoz 12 and secretary of the party unit. We were accommodated in the vacant hut of the chairman. The locals brought beds from the local school; we stuffed the mattresses with straw and settled down to live there. Yelena Ivanovna and the older girls went to work in the village, and I also joined them to go there. I had just turned twelve and was the youngest in the group. The rest of the girls were no older than 15. There was one thing that made me different from the rest of the girls - I was the only Jew in the group. Most of the villagers were former kulaks 13, whom Soviet authorities had deported from central Russia. These villagers were looking forward to Hitler's forces and gave them a cordial welcome. So it happened that we stayed in the occupied territory.

On the day the fascists came to the village, Yelena Ivanovna told me never to mention that I was a Jew. I could hardly speak any Russian, so we decided that I would feign a Romanian, though I had a clear Jewish accent. Yelena Ivanovna told me to stay away from the fascists and avoid them as much as I could. She also told the girls that if one of them ever spoke out that I was a Jew she would tell the fascists that this girl's father was a communist. The fascists also killed communists. Fortunately, the fascists only occasionally came to the village. On the first days of their regime they placed an order to report on military prisoners, communists and Jews or they were going to kill those who didn't. Of course, the villagers could guess I was a Jew by my looks and accent, but they didn't give me away. The locals supported us as much as they could by bringing eggs, a piece of meat, vegetables, potatoes - whatever they could share.

We also did some cleaning for them and helped them to harvest their crops - they had vegetable gardens. They treated us well and pretended they didn't know who I was. Many times in those long years of occupation they warned us, 'Germans are coming' and I rushed into the fields to take hiding in the fields of corn, haystacks, or in the attic or basement. About one month after the occupation began we heard machine guns firing in the village, when we were in the fields. One woman said the Germans were shooting Jews in Mikhailovka, a village nearby. When I heard this, I dropped the tomatoes I was gathering into a basket. Yelena Ivanovna hugged and kissed me and said she would take care of me. Since then I called her 'mama.' As it happened, the fascists killed Jews in a Christian chapel. They didn't fear the closeness of God.

Yelena Ivanovna was a smart and strong woman. I wasn't the only one she helped. Soldiers of the Soviet army, who were behind their units, and wounded, happened to be in the rear of the enemy, also came into the house where they could always have a meal and stay overnight. Partisans also came into the house. We were growing fast and understood that we weren't supposed to talk about it. We learned to keep silent. The girls and I were happy when those soldiers stayed overnight. We believed that our forces weren't far away and were going to liberate us. Once, the girls and I watched Yelena Ivanovna giving food to one such soldier. His name was Yuri. He was thin and unshaven. He finished his soup, wiped his mouth and looked at me from the corner of his eyes. 'Is she a 'zhydovka?' [kike], Yelena Ivanovna replied that I wasn't a 'zhydovka', but a 'yevreyka' [Jewess]. Yuri said he hated 'zhydy' [kikes].

We listened silently to Yelena Ivanovna shaming the visitor. He left and we forgot about this incident. Some time later, one of our girls came to the field where we were picking tomatoes. She told me to hide away. She said Yuri was a policeman serving for the Germans, and now he was looking for me. Yelena Ivanovna told him that the Germans had taken me away quite a while before. I was hiding in the field until Yelena Ivanovna came for me. Yuri came again after the New Year, 1943. Yelena Ivanovna hid me in the attic and went to meet the visitor with a bottle of homemade vodka as if he was a dear guest. Yuri asked her at once, 'Where's the 'zhydovka'? I want to make her bleed!' I heard it all, being there in the attic. I started praying that God helped me and Yuri didn't find me. He said, 'I'll be back, Yelena Ivanovna, but if I find her, you'll be lying beside her.' She was a brave woman. She said, 'Our troops are coming back, they will hang you on the first rope at hand.' 'No, they won't. I know what I'm doing' - and he left.

When he left, my adoptive mother took me to the poorest woman in the village. She knew that the Germans, if they came, stayed in wealthier houses ignoring the poorer ones. This woman accommodated me in the shed and I fell asleep embracing the calf. In my sleep I felt so warm and nice - as it happened, the animal warmed me with its warm urine. In the morning the woman took me back to Yelena Ivanovna, she didn't want to take the risk of keeping me at home. The next day Yuri sent a local policeman, a villager, whose name I don't know, to find me. Yelena Ivanovna offered him a drink and talked him out of looking for me. There were many such incidents; it's hard to remember them all. Before the Soviet army, the Romanian units came to the village.

I quietly translated what they said to Yelena Ivanovna. They heard this and I had to tell them I was Romanian. I introduced myself as Valia Berdici, recalling a Romanian girl in our children's home. They were so happy to hear this: they hugged me and called me their sister. They decided I should go with them. Yelena put me in hiding again. In March 1943 we heard distant roars of the battle, and then Soviet tanks entered the village. I cried, oh, how I cried - Russian tanks, our troops are coming. We rejoiced, cried, laughed and hugged our liberators. When they saw me, they exclaimed 'She is a Jew!' Yelena Ivanovna replied, 'Yes, I've rescued her.' They said, 'You are a heroine then.' She replied, 'No, I'm a common Ukrainian woman.' Policeman Vania was arrested, but Yuri wasn't found - he had left with the fascists.

Yelena Ivanovna helped the girls to go to work and sent me to a children's home in the village of Konstantinovka, Kurgan district, Krasnodar Krai. She also went to look for her son and mother whom she had lost during the war. Saying 'good by' to me, my adoptive mother promised to take me away from the children's home, but this didn't happen. I stayed in this children's home for three years. The tutors were very good to me. I was very obedient and humble having grown up in an orphanage where I learned to obey adults. However, here I was also the only Jewish child, and some children abused me, though the tutors stood up for me and shamed the offenders. I received a letter from Yelena Ivanovna. She found her family in the town of Yeisk and lived there. This was the hard period of life: we had no sufficient food or clothing. We studied at school before lunch, and in the afternoon I had to shepherd cows.

At first, I was a little afraid of cows, but then I liked to take them far away from the village. The village housewives sent their cows for me to take them to pastures and paid me with food: eggs, milk or bread. So this was how I managed. I was constantly hungry. I've starved my whole life. I used to sit, when the maids were giving us bread and looked. I often addressed God - this is how we were taught, when we were small children - God, please make it so that there was bread on the table and that I wasn't hungry any longer. I remember the Victory Day 14. We were asleep, when our tutor ran in, turned on the light and shouted, 'Victory!' My heart started beating faster from happiness. I didn't think I could live over this moment. The next day there was a meeting in the village, the people were rejoicing, but all I could think about was where my mother was.

Post-War

In 1946 all girls between 14 and 16 years were sent to various vocational schools. I was sent to the cotton spinning factory in the town of Balashikha near Moscow. I studied in a vocational school and was also an apprentice at the factory. After finishing the vocational school I became a worker at the factory. Students were provided with food and uniforms. I lived in the dormitory where I shared a room with nine other girls. We got along well and helped and supported each other. At the age of 16, I already worked eight to twelve hours like an adult worker. We ate potatoes, bread and macaroni. We only had meat on big holidays, but I was no longer starving. I had forgotten my native Jewish language [Yiddish] by then. I could only speak Russian.

One of our friends went to visit her friend, a student of another vocational school in the town of Ramenskoye. She met a girl from Romania, who asked her about me. This was Raya Falkman, my friend from the Kishinev orphanage. I went to see Raya. We were so happy to have found one another. Raya and I spent a weekend together talking about our wanderings during the Great Patriotic War. Raya and I lost each other during the battle near Armavir. Raya and other girls from the orphanage were taken to a ghetto. The only thing that saddened our reunion was that due to the transportation problem I went back to Balashikha too late and didn't go to work the next day. At this time one could be taken to prison for such failure, but the foreman of the shop where I worked, Khadzimurat, a man from the Caucasus, told me off for my absence at work and sent me to work at the most hazardous site - in the painting shop. There was yarn and fluff flying around and also, there was the smell of paint. Many workers had tuberculosis as a result. I thought this was all the punishment for my absence.

A week later Raya came to see me again. She had received a letter from her friends in Kishinev. They wrote that my mother was looking for me. Raya gave me my mother's address in Kishinev. It's hard to describe the overwhelming joy I felt. So, God had heard me and had mercy on me. My dear ones were alive. I wrote my mother a letter. It's easy to say - I wrote a letter. I wrote the lines while crying, tore the paper and then rewrote the letter till I finally did it. Shortly afterward I received her response. She wrote that she, my grandmother and my brother had been in evacuation - I can't remember exactly where they had been, somewhere in Siberia. She had been looking for me and had also written to the central inquiry office in Buguruslan and they replied that Shlima Gersh had disappeared in the vicinity of Armavir.

My mother wrote that my brother, Grigoriy, was coming to take me home. One night the janitor of the dormitory woke me up, 'Your brother is here!' A handsome slender guy was standing by my bed. He had curly hair, bright eyes and had a pilot's cap on. He was handsome, but he wasn't the same person I remembered. Furthermore, I had forgotten my grandmother's name during the occupation. All I remembered was that my mother's name was Polia. The other girls woke up and we sat down to have some tea. I was trying to get used to the thought that this handsome guy was my brother. I asked him about the family. He said they had no information about our sister Sarah. Grigoriy slept on my bed and I slept with one of the girls. In the morning my brother told me to go quit my job and we would go to Kishinev.

I wrote a letter of resignation, but Khadzimurat wrote on it, 'She isn't to be dismissed since she is under investigation.' This way I found out that a criminal case had been instigated against me for my absence from work. I went to the women's council at the trade union office of the factory and while sobbing, I told them my story. The chairman of the trade union, a strict Russian woman, called a doctor asking him to help me. She told me to lie to the doctor, saying that I had a stomach ache, when I was absent from work. The old gray-haired doctor smiled and issued a certificate stamping it by the date of my absence. Khadzimurat grumbled when he looked at the certificate, 'Well, haven't you outwitted me!' I resigned from work and my brother and I headed home. This happened in 1947. I can't remember whether it took us two or three days to get home.

I remember that we arrived in Kishinev at night. My mother and my grandmother rented an apartment in Romashkovka [an old district of the town], my brother and I walked home. How happy I was to be in my hometown! I didn't recognize it - it was in ruins and besides, I had left it when I was just a child, but this was my homeland. My mother cried and kissed me. My grandma couldn't say a word between her tears. She looked so small and old to me. My mother spoke Jewish [Yiddish] to me, but I couldn't remember a word. We sat down to dinner. I hadn't had meat for so long, and I almost fainted inhaling the smell of the real Jewish stew. However, I was a little shy to eat too much. When my mother threw the leftover meat to the dog, I felt like taking it away from the dog. Then she took me to the bath. She washed me and cried again.

A few days later, my mother helped me get a job at the confectionery in Kishinev where she was working. I was an apprentice and my instructor was the best confectioner in Moldova. I was a good student. I probably had a talent to this vocation. In due time, I replaced my tutor and became one of the best confectioners. My hands could make lovely confectioneries: for party and governmental officials, for various exhibitions, cosmonauts - my creations were awarded the best diplomas on international exhibitions. This only happened later, when I became a famous master confectioner.

When I was still an apprentice, there was a company of young men showing signs of attention to me. I distinguished a handsome short guy among them. He was Dmitriy Goldstein, who was a worker in our shop. On 1st May 1948 he invited me on a date. We walked along the festive Lenin Street [former Alexandrovskaya Street]. We saw each other for half a year. I got to know more about him and we fell in love with one another. He was born in Kishinev in 1929 and was given the Jewish name of Mordechai at birth. Dmitriy's father, Zelman Goldstein, was engaged in book publication and sales, and his mother, Zlota, was a masterful seamstress. Dmitriy's family was religious and observed Jewish traditions. He studied in a Romanian school. In the 1930s Dmitriy's family lived in Bucharest. They moved to Kishinev as soon as the Soviet regime was established.

During the Great Patriotic War, Dmitriy's father was drafted to the army. Dmitriy, his mother and sister evacuated to Nizhniy Tagil. After the liberation of Moldova 15 the Goldstein family returned to Kishinev. Dmitriy introduced me to his parents and sister and our relatives already thought us to be engaged. On 18th December 1948, Dmitriy and my brother, Grigoriy, were recruited to the army. I promised Dmitriy that I'd wait for him. A few days later Dmitriy returned home. He weighed 47 kilograms while the minimal allowable weight for a soldier was 50 kilograms. The medical commission demobilized him. We dated for another three years. We were seriously preparing for our future life as a family. We even bought a wardrobe from our few months' savings. We had the wedding appointed for 31st March 1951, when a few days before the wedding Dmitriy was summoned to the military registry office again. He had gained sufficient weight and was fit for the military service.

31st March 1951 was a Saturday. I was allowed to finish work a little earlier, and Dmitriy and I registered our wedding at the district registry office. We took each other's hand and walked home like we were used to walking holding hands. So we've gone through life hand in hand. In the evening we had a wedding party at Dmitriy's home. There were Jewish dishes on the table. Our mothers borrowed some money and cooked sweet and sour stew, staffed fish and salad with beetroots and prunes. There was no music; we just sang popular Soviet and Jewish songs sitting at the table. Our wedding was more like a farewell party.

On 2nd April Dmitriy was regimented to the army. My husband served for three years and eight months. I looked forward to his coming home. I became an activist and joined the Komsomol 16. I had grown up in the children's home and was a big patriot. I believed everything the communists promised. I remember how our staff at work and I grieved after Stalin died in March 1953, how I cried at the mourning meeting. I was waiting for Dmitriy to return home. When I read the order on demobilization I rented the shed that our neighbor had prepared for a goat in our yard. The shed was whitewashed and very clean. However, the windows were small and there was tape instead of glass. I bought a bed, a floor mirror, hung nice curtains, and met my husband in our apartment. Probably, we had the happiest time in this little hut of our own.

In November 1955 our daughter, Ella, was born. The delivery was very hard and I was begging the Lord to have no more children. Ella is our only daughter. I remembered how our mother had to send us to the orphanage due to poverty and I didn't want any more children. I wanted our only daughter to grow up happy in the family and in wealth. I didn't know a thing about cooking or housekeeping. When my grandma added carrots and onions to the broth, I thought, 'why is she doing this?' I didn't know about cooking having grown up in the orphanage. So, when I was cooking, I thought, why waste money, when I have to pay 150 rubles rental fees. So I was saving on carrots and onions.

When I had the baby, I thought why waste money on milk, when I could save by buying a bottle of soda. I didn't know that the baby couldn't drink soda water. It took time to learn. It was slow and difficult to learn. I went to work one month after Ella was born. My mother, my mother-in-law, and my grandma took turns to take care of Ella. Life was hard. We had small salaries and there was nobody to support us. At times we didn't even have money to buy bread before our payday, but we never gave up and fought through the hardships. Gradually life was improving. Our factory was recognized for its performance and we began to earn more.

We didn't observe Jewish traditions in our family. However, my mother and my grandmother followed the kosher rules, celebrated Sabbath and went to the synagogue till their last days. We also joined them to celebrate Jewish holidays paying tribute to family traditions. On such holidays we just got together for a meal. When my mother returned from the synagogue, she served the table with traditional Jewish food. My husband and I enjoyed the family eating together. There were no rituals or prayers in our presence. My mother and my grandmother also celebrated Sabbath, lit candles and prayed over them, but I never joined in.

My grandmother helped me a lot, particularly when our daughter was born. She was cheerful and hardly had any health problems, though by the end of her life she lost her hearing and almost grew blind. She didn't hear the approaching train crossing the railroad track, and the airflow threw her under the train. This happened in 1961. She died at once.

My mother married Volodia Nudelman, a Jew, the janitor of our confectionery, in the late 1960s. They lived for eight years together. He died in the late 1970s. My mother fell severely ill. She died in 1980. My second mother, Yelena Ivanovna, also died in 1980. We had corresponded, maintained warm relations and sent each other treatments and gifts. We also visited each other. I've always remembered that I owe my life to this common Ukrainian woman.

I've only seen my sister once in all those years. In 1947 my mother received a letter from Alexandra Sergeyevna Chahlova. She wrote that she knew where my sister was. My mother wrote back and then it turned out that this Alexandra Chahlova was my sister. I still can't understand why she hadn't written at once. Sarah married Chahlov, a Russian man. He must have been a real anti-Semite. My sister didn't only change her name, but also her nationality. She always wrote in documents that she was Moldovan. They lived in Tomsk, Russia. My sister didn't get along with her husband and remarried twice. None of her husbands was Jewish. Her second husband's surname was Mikhailov, and the third was Kravchenko. In the mid-1950s Alexandra visited Kishinev with her daughter Nathalia. We were different people and my sister didn't even pretend that we were a family. She despised Jewish traditions or any talks on Jewish subjects. This was the only time I saw my sister. She corresponded with my mother. When I wrote to her that our mother had died, she blamed me for this and wrote that she didn't want to know me any longer. My brother's wife and I called her in 1984, but Alexandra said she had no relatives in Kishinev. So this is all I know about my sister or her daughter.

My brother returned to Kishinev after the army. He married Bella, a lovely Jewish girl. We were friends. Regretfully, Bella fell ill and died at the age of 48. Cancer 'burned' her down in one month. My brother never remarried, though recently he started living together with an old woman. He worked at the aerodrome. He had many friends among pilots and technicians. Recently, my brother had a heart attack. He is in hospital. His daughter Anna lives in the USA and his son Semyon lives in Tumen in Russia.

My daughter, Ella, studied well at school. After finishing school she decided against entering a college. Anti-Semitism was strong in those years and a Jewish girl had no chance to enter a higher educational institution unless she bribed the officials, but we had no money for bribes. Ella went to work at a computation center in a design institute. At that time the first computers were commissioned and Ella maintained them. She went to a resort in Odessa where she met Vladimir Denisov, a Russian guy from Moscow. He fell in love with her. He visited us in fall and then began to visit us frequently. They got married and my daughter moved to Moscow where Vladimir had an apartment. Ella's husband was a great metal artist, a jeweler. He worked with precious metals, and in the Soviet times the state had a monopoly for the manufacture and treatment of jewelry, and any private business in this regard was forbidden.

Most likely, their neighbors reported on my son-in-law and one night, when my daughter was in the maternity hospital, he was arrested. The apartment was searched and whatever belongings they had was retained. Vladimir was allowed three months of delay till Ella had the baby. This was their second child. Their son Denis was born in 1979. In 1982 Dina was born. At the trial the attorney managed to have the verdict of deportation to distant areas. My daughter had to raise two children alone. My husband and I worked overtime to send her whatever we could earn. I could never afford to go to the Caucasus or Crimea [primer resorts in the Soviet Union] on vacation. We could only afford local resorts where we could go for free. I sent my savings to my daughter.

I dreamt of the sea and resorts where my friends went, but I comforted myself that I felt well wherever with my beloved husband at all times, and this is true. Vladimir returned a few years later and began to feel jealous about Ella, he even hurt her. Though Ella had waited for her husband for a few years, she lost her patience and applied for a divorce. They got a divorce. Ella didn't want to return to Kishinev. She had a nice apartment after her divorce and she worked as a technician in a design institute. Ella only asked us to take Dina to live with us. She was four, when she came to Kishinev. My husband and I were happy and thought that we would have another daughter. I worked and managed to raise a nice girl. Dina lived with us for twelve years and we hoped that she would never leave us. But then something that nobody expected happened: the break-up of the USSR, and it became difficult for the Russian-speaking girl to study here.

All Russian schools were closed; there were only Moldovan schools left. She didn't know the language. We also lost our savings like many other people. [The disintegration of the USSR in 1991 also resulted in the newly independent states introducing their own national currencies. Soviet Ruble ceased existing. Many people lost their life-time savings.] When Dina turned 16, she moved to Moscow. She graduated from a hairdresser's school. Now she is a professional hairdresser. She is married, but has no children as yet. Denis studies in a college and dates a nice girl. They will be married soon. My daughter has also found her happiness. She remarried. Her second husband is Russian. His name is Sergey. I didn't ask his surname since Ella kept her family name Denisova.

My husband and I have lived a hard life. We worked hard and hardly ever had a rest. We had to refuse ourselves many things for the sake of our daughter and grandchildren, but our love and mutual understanding has always been with us, we've enjoyed being together. We hoped to be able to visit our daughter and spend vacations together and see our grandchildren. When the Soviet Union collapsed, this became impossible. The price of the cheapest ticket to Moscow was twice as much as my pension. We've lost our savings. My daughter and grandchildren also can't visit us often, and this is a real problem. I grew up in the children's home, and have always been sociable.

I've been enthusiastic about all communist ideas of equality and fraternity, I've been a patriot and I can't get used to this breakup of the Soviet Union. We've never considered moving to Israel, because we are patriots. We felt ourselves to be a part of a big country that was the Soviet Union. The only thing we are happy about is that Jewish communities have revived in the independent Moldova. There are charity organizations: Joint 17 and Hesed 18, they help us to have a decent life. We've come back to the observation of the Jewish traditions that we've known since childhood. We celebrate all Jewish holidays with our friends whom we meet in Hesed. Besides the material support we can also feel the closeness and support of Jews all over the world.

Glossary

1 Bessarabia

Historical area between the Prut and Dnestr rivers, in the southern part of Odessa region. Bessarabia was part of Russia until the Revolution of 1917. In 1918 it declared itself an independent republic, and later it united with Romania. The Treaty of Paris (1920) recognized the union but the Soviet Union never accepted this. In 1940 Romania was forced to cede Bessarabia and Northern Bukovina to the USSR. The two provinces had almost 4 million inhabitants, mostly Romanians. Although Romania reoccupied part of the territory during World War II the Romanian peace treaty of 1947 confirmed their belonging to the Soviet Union. Today it is part of Moldavia.

2 Tsimes

Stew made usually of carrots, parsnips, or plums with potatoes.

3 Hasid

The follower of the Hasidic movement, a Jewish mystic movement founded in the 18th century that reacted against Talmudic learning and maintained that God's presence was in all of one's surroundings and that one should serve God in one's every deed and word. The movement provided spiritual hope and uplifted the common people. There were large branches of Hasidic movements and schools throughout Eastern Europe before World War II, each following the teachings of famous scholars and thinkers. Most had their own customs, rituals and life styles. Today there are substantial Hasidic communities in New York, London, Israel and Antwerp.

4 Great Patriotic War

On 22nd June 1941 at 5 o'clock in the morning Nazi Germany attacked the Soviet Union without declaring war. This was the beginning of the so-called Great Patriotic War. The German blitzkrieg, known as Operation Barbarossa, nearly succeeded in breaking the Soviet Union in the months that followed. Caught unprepared, the Soviet forces lost whole armies and vast quantities of equipment to the German onslaught in the first weeks of the war. By November 1941 the German army had seized the Ukrainian Republic, besieged Leningrad, the Soviet Union's second largest city, and threatened Moscow itself. The war ended for the Soviet Union on 9th May 1945.

5 Kishinev Ghetto

The annihilation of the Jews of Kishinev was carried out in several stages. With the entry of the Romanian and German units, an unknown number of Jews were slaughtered in the streets and in their homes. About 2,000 Jews, mainly of liberal professions (doctors, lawyers, engineers), and local Jewish intellectuals, were systematically executed. After the wave of killings, the 11,000 remaining Jews were concentrated in the ghetto, created on 24th July 1941, on the order of the Romanian district ruler and the German Einsatzkommando leader, Paul Zapp. The Jews of central Romania attempted to assist their brethren in the ghetto, sending large amounts of money by illegal means. A committee was formed to bribe the Romanian authorities so that they would not hand the Jews over to the Germans. In August about 7,500 Jewish people were sent to work in the Ghidighici quarries. That fall, on the Day of Atonement (4th October), the military authorities began deporting the remaining Jews in the ghetto to Transnistria, by order of the Romanian ruler, Ion Antonescu. One of the heads of the ghetto, the attorney Shapira, managed to alert the leaders of the Jewish communities in Bucharest, but attempts to halt the deportations were unsuccessful. The community was not completely liquidated, however, since some Jews had found hiding places in Kishinev and its vicinity or elsewhere in Romania. In May 1942, the last 200 Jews in the locality were deported. Kishinev was liberated in August 1944. At that time no Jews were left in the locality.

6 Kishinev pogrom of 1903

On 6-7 April, during the Christian Orthodox Easter, there was severe pogrom in Kishinev (today Chisinau, Moldova) and its suburbs, in which about 50 Jews were killed and hundreds injured. Jewish shops were destroyed and many people left homeless. The pogrom became a watershed in the history of the Jews of the Pale of Settlement and the Zionist movement, not only because of its scale, but also due to the reaction of the authorities, who either could not or did not want to stop the pogromists. The pogrom reverbarated in the Jewish world and spurred many future Zionists to join the movement.

7 Common name

Russified or Russian first names used by Jews in everyday life and adopted in official documents. The Russification of first names was one of the manifestations of the assimilation of Russian Jews at the turn of the 19th and 20th century. In some cases only the spelling and pronunciation of Jewish names was russified (e.g. Isaac instead of Yitskhak; Boris instead of Borukh), while in other cases traditional Jewish names were replaced by similarly sounding Russian names (e.g. Eugenia instead of Ghita; Yury instead of Yuda). When state anti-Semitism intensified in the USSR at the end of the 1940s, most Jewish parents stopped giving their children traditional Jewish names to avoid discrimination.

8 Cuzist

Member of the Romanian fascist organization named after Alexandru C. Cuza, one of the most fervent fascist leaders in Romania, who was known for his ruthless chauvinism and anti-Semitism. In 1919 Cuza founded the LANC, which became the National Christian Party in 1935 with an anti-Semitic program.

9 Struggle against religion

The 1930s was a time of anti-religion struggle in the USSR. In those years it was not safe to go to synagogue or to church. Places of worship, statues of saints, etc. were removed; rabbis, Orthodox and Roman Catholic priests disappeared behind KGB walls.

10 All-Union pioneer organization

a communist organization for teenagers between 10 and 15 years old (cf: boy-/ girlscouts in the US). The organization aimed at educating the young generation in accordance with the communist ideals, preparing pioneers to become members of the Komsomol and later the Communist Party. In the Soviet Union, all teenagers were pioneers.

11 German colonists/colony

Ancestors of German peasants, who were invited by Empress Catherine II in the 18th century to settle in Russia.

12 Kolkhoz

In the Soviet Union the policy of gradual and voluntary collectivization of agriculture was adopted in 1927 to encourage food production while freeing labor and capital for industrial development. In 1929, with only 4% of farms in kolkhozes, Stalin ordered the confiscation of peasants' land, tools, and animals; the kolkhoz replaced the family farm.

13 Kulaks

In the Soviet Union the majority of wealthy peasants that refused to join collective farms and give their grain and property to Soviet power were called kulaks, declared enemies of the people and exterminated in the 1930s.

14 Victory Day in Russia (9th May)

National holiday to commemorate the defeat of Nazi Germany and the end of World War II and honor the Soviets who died in the war.

15 Moldova

Historic region between the Eastern Carpathians, the Dniester River and the Black Sea, also a contemporary state, bordering with Romania and Ukraine. Moldova was first mentioned after the end of the Mongol invasion in 14th century scripts as Eastern marquisate of the Hungarian Kingdom. For a long time, the Principality of Moldova was tributary of either Poland or Hungary until the Ottoman Empire took possession of it in 1512. The Sultans ruled Moldova indirectly by appointing the Prince of Moldova to govern the vassal principality. These were Moldovan boyars until the early 18th century and Greek (Phanariot) ones after. In 1812 Tsar Alexander I occupied the eastern part of Moldova (between the Prut and the Dniester river and the Black Sea) and attached it to its Empire under the name of Bessarabia. In 1859 the remaining part of Moldova merged with Wallachia. In 1862 the new country was called Romania, which was finally internationally recognized at the Treaty of Berlin in 1878. Bessarabia united with Romania after World War I, and was recaptured by the Soviet Union in 1940. The Moldavian Soviet Socialist Republic gained independence after the break up of the Soviet Union in 1991 and is now called Moldovan Republic (Republica Moldova).

16 Komsomol

Communist youth political organization created in 1918. The task of the Komsomol was to spread of the ideas of communism and involve the worker and peasant youth in building the Soviet Union. The Komsomol also aimed at giving a communist upbringing by involving the worker youth in the political struggle, supplemented by theoretical education. The Komsomol was more popular than the Communist Party because with its aim of education people could accept uninitiated young proletarians, whereas party members had to have at least a minimal political qualification.

17 Joint (American Jewish Joint Distribution Committee)

The Joint was formed in 1914 with the fusion of three American Jewish committees of assistance, which were alarmed by the suffering of Jews during World War I. In late 1944, the Joint entered Europe's liberated areas and organized a massive relief operation. It provided food for Jewish survivors all over Europe, it supplied clothing, books and school supplies for children. It supported cultural amenities and brought religious supplies for the Jewish communities. The Joint also operated DP camps, in which it organized retraining programs to help people learn trades that would enable them to earn a living, while its cultural and religious activities helped re- establish Jewish life. The Joint was also closely involved in helping Jews to emigrate from Europe and from Muslim countries. The Joint was expelled from East Central Europe for decades during the Cold War and it has only come back to many of these countries after the fall of communism. Today the Joint provides social welfare programs for elderly Holocaust survivors and encourages Jewish renewal and communal development.

18 Hesed

Meaning care and mercy in Hebrew, Hesed stands for the charity organization founded by Amos Avgar in the early 20th century. Supported by Claims Conference and Joint Hesed helps for Jews in need to have a decent life despite hard economic conditions and encourages development of their self-identity. Hesed provides a number of services aimed at supporting the needs of all, and particularly elderly members of the society. The major social services include: work in the center facilities (information, advertisement of the center activities, foreign ties and free lease of medical equipment); services at homes (care and help at home, food products delivery, delivery of hot meals, minor repairs); work in the community (clubs, meals together, day-time polyclinic, medical and legal consultations); service for volunteers (training programs). The Hesed centers have inspired a real revolution in the Jewish life in the FSU countries. People have seen and sensed the rebirth of the Jewish traditions of humanism. Currently over eighty Hesed centers exist in the FSU countries. Their activities cover the Jewish population of over eight hundred settlements.

Olga Banyai

Olga Banyai
(nee Mermelstein)
Budapest
Hungary
Interviewer: Anna Legman
Date of Interview: June 2004

Mrs. Olga Banyai lives in an apartment overlooking the street on one of the floors of an old, VI.District apartment building. A couple years ago she had a serious brain hemorrhage, so she couldn't remember certain events, years and dates, and her memories were sometimes confused. Despite this, she recalled many stories and memories from her childhood and her ancestors. Because of the state of her health, today she can rarely get out of her apartment, but her family, her son and daughter, and grandchildren are at her side, mutually supporting each other.

Family background
Growing up
During the war
Post-war
Glossary

Family background

My great-great-grandfather on the maternal side was Mozes Herskovits. He was a Romanian. My father and mother were distant cousins, my maternal and paternal grandmothers were siblings. My great-great-grandmother was Lotti Reich, she was born in 1827, probably in Orgovany. But aside from this, the entire family lived in Romania, in Transylvania, spread all over: in Sziget [Maramarossziget], Palotamezo [Palotamezo was no longer included in the 1910 Hungarian census], Kolozsvar, Csenger. [Of this list, Csenger, a large town near the Romanian border was never a part of Romania.] My great-great- grandfather was a merchant, landowner and became poor because he vouched for somebody - signed some bill in someone's stead - and lost all his land. Then the children started popping up, he had four children. They lived in Bikszad. Bikszad was the nest. [Bikszad - a small town with a 160 room spa; became Romanian after Trianon.] One of my great-great-grandfather's grandchildren was my grandmother Julia, and another was my other grandmother, Netti.

My grandmother's father was a famous rabbi, they lived well-off in Csenger. They had - I believe - six children: four girls and two boys. But more of my ancestors were born in Bikszad, and were Hungarians. They were very cultured. My grandmothers were raised like that, I don't know exactly what school they finished, but they always said how cultured the boys were and the girls, too. But that was the [family] branch where the girls were schooled also. That's why my grandmothers were cultured.

My grandmothers' brother was Samuel Stern, who lived here in Damjanich street [Budapest]. He was my mother's Uncle, then there was Mozes in Erdely [Transylvania - in Hungarian]. There was also a rich landlord in Ersekujvar [Ersekujvar - city of 16,300 inhabitants in 1910, was annexed by Czechoslovakia after Trianon, now in Slovakia]. There were a few landlords among the relatives, I had a landlord great-grandfather, and there was a landlord great uncle, my mother's uncle. I believe, he didn't have a family, or children, but he was a very rich gentleman. They called him the landlord. We wrote about possibly getting some kind of compensation, and they wrote back that we can't, because he wasn't directly related, but was my mother's uncle.

Samuel Stern avoided the war, he was a teacher, his wife was a teacher, he had one son. He was a lawyer-attorney. They were very sweet folk. Their son was called, dr. Pal Somjen. He was a very nice, enchanting person, well- loved. It was always very good to go here with the children to Damjanich street. It was truly one of those places where they greet you with open arms. We met them quite often, we had a close relationship. Today the family has all died off. The daughter died, she was my age, but died of cancer at the age of forty-six. The last to die was Samuel's wife, Annus [from Anna]. Annus was a girl from Devecser, her parents were also killed. She was an only daughter. Her father was a doctor. She lived with her son- in-law, because her daughter died earlier than she did. One of the hands of the son-in-law's new wife was paralysed. She cooked with one arm, shopped and dressed, as well. The family was well-off, teachers and instructors were well-paid at that time. And there was Pali [diminutive of Pal - (Paul)] the lawyer, but he's no longer living. Eight, nine years ago, he died of cancer.

Mozes Stern, I don't know what he did. I only know that he had a very pretty daughter named Olga. There's an Olga in all branches of my family. I don't know what the daughter did, I never met her, I just heard about her from one of my cousins, and he showed me pictures of her. I know she lived in Erdely, probably in Kolozsvar. The family was spread all around Erdely.

As for my maternal grandfather, the Herskovitses weren't rich, nor poor, but even if they were poor, they wouldn't show it. If clothes were stained, they were cleaned and ironed, and everybody saw what orderly people they were. You never saw them dirty, or in rags! If someone is poor, it doesn't mean they have to let themselves go.

My maternal grandfather was Jakab Herskovits. He died about the same time his youngest daughter (my aunt) was born, in 1895. Since he was born in Csenger in 1860, he was about thirty-five years old. His heart gave out on him. For the sake of something different, he was a tavern owner. But in the family they always just talked about how, 'Imagine Grandma, blind with all those children!' All I know of Grandpa, was that once a year, when the new year came [Yahrzeit], he lit candles. I don't know more about him.

My maternal grandmother was a very clever lady. They were rich. In those days, the wealthy people didn't make their women work. They never talked about what happened, when Grandpa died. Obviously, they split the property up among the children. People then weren't so unsatisfied as they are today. They weren't so demanding. Then my maternal grandmother, poor woman, was taken to Auschwitz at the age of eighty-three.

My mother is Eszter Herskovits, born in Bikszad in 1894. My mother didn't have an education. Grandma was left alone with a lot of children, and went blind with the last one. I don't know how she raised the children, only that they all turned out to be people. Two became cantor teachers. Samuel Herskovits was from Vecses. Dezso Herskovits was from Dombovar, he had ten children.

Samuel was the oldest sibling. He lived in Vecses, had a family, five children. He had a son named Laci Halmos - he magyarized his name - who was a bank director at the Ertekforgalmi [Securities Trade] Bank. He was called up for work service [Forced labor]1 and died.

My mother's next sibling, Dezso, was a soldier in the First World War [Military in the Austro-Hungarian Empire]2. He had ten children. When his wife died, he was left with the ten children. He split the children up among relatives. He couldn't have worked [and raised the children] anyway. The ten children got used to independence. Many came up to Pest, and here in Pest they survived. Those who didn't come to Pest, all died in forced labor. Two of his children went into hiding, Klari in Pesterzsebet, Olga in Budapest. Both of Olga's children died in the war, they starved. After the war, she had two more children, who emigrated to Israel. Her son was killed in Israel on his twenty-first birthday, it was deemed a hero's death. Klari had a clothing shop downtown, but she always felt like an outsider in the family.

Dezso's son Jeno also hid out somewhere. After the war, things went well for him, he still had his business in Pest [Budapest], a women's clothing shop, they lived from that. He had two children. He had a car. He was going somewhere with his twelve-year old son and they hit a truck, and his son's carotid artery was cut. He died instantly. The little daughter survived. Jeno couldn't stand the pain of it, he died soon after.

Then there was my mother's next sibling, Pali. He didn't have children. And somehow, in the forced labor, he survived the war. Then he emigrated to New York. He had heart problems, they amputated his leg, he died from that.

There was Miksa, he had a son. A very pretty only child. He came over, so I could write to my siblings - because they were already in America - to help him get out [flee Hungary], because he didn't have anyone in America [to officially invite or sponsor him for a visa]. His father was in the hospital with cancer, and at that time he always asked when is his son going, already. I got a letter from my younger brother, that he'd arrange it, and he could go soon. But he wrote something, like he couldn't arrange it overnight. We should arrange everything here, he'll figure a way to get the son out sooner. I went in to see Miksa in the hospital, it was after an operation, and I knew it was metastatic, they couldn't save him. I read to him that his son could go to America, that they arranged everything, it's all fine. I lied to him, it was a complete lie. The poor guy, I really loved my cousin. [sic - It seems, that Miksa wasn't her mother's brother, but another relative.]

I don't know too much about my mother's other siblings, there was Aunt Hanna, Sara and Fani, all three died in Auschwitz.

My father's family was more 'pulled apart' than 'held together'. He wasn't in contact with his immediate family. As close as the Herskovits family was, the Mermelstein's were that distant.

My paternal grandfather was called Mano Mermelstein. I visited them once, they lived in Szolnok. They had two small houses, his daughter Zseni lived in one, my grandfather lived in the other. Zseni had a family already, three little girls, Manci [from Maria], Etus [from Etel - (Ethel)] and Ella. Her husband was a travelling salesman. Zseni died young from consumption, her oldest child was probably eight years old at the time. I knew their father, he travelled to Subcarpathia. He was left alone with the children. He was a traveller, a lot of Jews went house to house all over, with all kinds of things, with saccharine, I don't know, some little things. He was that kind of salesman on a small scale, not big. They weren't big businesses. Manci is still living. That's all I know about my father's side, whatever Manci told me.

My grandfather was a comb-maker. He made the combs, and sold them, too. He was able to support the family with his comb profession. They went from city to city. They sold things in the bigger cities: Munkacs, Ungvar, Beregszasz, Nagyszolos [Subcarpathia]3. They took my grandmother with them. They had a lot of children there, too. There was Marton - that was my father. There was Zseni, Olga, Tamara, Dora and Libi. I already told you about Zseni. Libi perished in the war, in Auschwitz. She had an eight-year old daughter. Olga left for Palestine already before the war, she's got a daughter and a grandson who live in America. I don't know anything about Tamara. Dora, who lived here in Pest, was deported but survived. Her husband and five-year old daughter were taken into the ghetto, in Wesselenyi street, into the temple ghetto [Budapest ghetto]. Her husband starved to death there, the little girl survived. A cousin of hers brought her out of the ghetto, when we were liberated. They took her away, soaked the clothes off of her because she had lice, she had sores and everything. They shaved her head, you know they could hardly get all the lice off of her. She stayed with them for a couple months, until her mother came back. Her mother survived. She was a very clever little girl. When her father was already weak, and they rationed out the bread slices, the little girl gave her own bread to her father.

Grandpa died, I believe, a couple years before the war, not in the war. My maternal grandma, Netti Stern died young, she was exhausted from all the travel. Her sister, Julia Stern, my maternal grandmother was taken to Auschwitz at age 83. It was probably better for those who died earlier.

My father, Marton Mermelstein was born in Tiszaujlak in 1897.

Grandpa, Mano wasn't religious. But my father was religious, he was the only religious person in the family. There were five siblings, but only he was religious. He studied [the Talmud and the Torah]. He always studied. His siblings didn't like him, because he always studied. His siblings had to work, my father had to study. He was the only son. That's how he later became a travelling salesman.

The Mermelstein's didn't suffer, they weren't killed in heaps, like the Herskovitses. Always the good ones - there's a saying: 'Always the good ones go away.' In my family, the good ones went away. The Herskovitses were all kind people. Generous, they gave to the poor. The whole family was so charitable. They even shared what little they had. They were all killed.

Growing up

I'm eighty-one years old, and I had a brain hemorrhage. My brain - I've got a paper about it - is officially faulty. I've got a Jewish name. My name is Braha, blessing. I'm the blessing. Mrs. Janos Banyai, Olga Mermelstein. I was born May 10, 1923 in Bikszad in Szatmar County. When I was an infant, they took me to Subcarpathia, to Huszt. [At her birth, Huszt (now Khust) was a part of the Austro-Hungarian Empire. In 1910, the nearly 10,000 residents were 51 percent Ruthenian, 34 percent Hungarian and 15 percent German. Of those, 23 percent were part of the Jewish community. After Trianon it went to Czechoslovakia. In 1938, it was reannexed by Hungary, and in 1945 it became part of the Soviet Union. Now it belongs to the Ukraine.]

It was a very pretty small town, with quite a lot of Jews living there, but few returned after the war. People there somehow mingled together, it didn't count then who was Jewish, who was Christian. We got along well with the Christians, we were friends. They came over, we went over [to their houses]. We played dolls together. There wasn't any problem under the sun with the fact that we were Jews. There were Ruthenians, very decent people. We got along better with them, but my mother missed the Hungarian language. Huszt was a Jewish city - we learned Yiddish in school, all of us. We were somehow separate from the big family. From almost everyone. My parents were distant cousins. Our grandmothers were sisters. My mother went to visit at my father's house, and they fell in love with each other. My grandmother was very much against it, but then a wedding came out of it anyway. It wasn't a bad marriage, just the problem was that my father was religious, there were religious problems. My father was more religious than my mother. My mother was already a more modern thinker at that time. That was the problem, but there weren't any arguments. Once in a while, they'd quarrel. My father said, that's because my mother wasn't religious enough.

My father wasn't a soldier in the First World War. They dripped something in his ear [to avoid conscription], and he carried that with him his whole life, he had a bad ear. They ruined his ear so he wouldn't be a soldier. A Hungarian soldier. There he wouldn't have gotten kosher food, and he insisted upon it [eating kosher].

My parents were tent marketeers. Once a week there was a big market - Huszt was a small town, at that time about 25,000 residents. They put out a table, full of all kinds of things, and they came and bought candies, and whatever else they sold. I don't know, ...they sold fruits, whatever there was at the time. Then my father gave that up, and became a salesman. Then they called them travellers, he became a traveller. He went to the Czech cities with this type of window blinds, that's what he sold. And we could live from that. He sent fifty-five crowns [Czech currency] every week. My father wasn't home too much, he was always travelling. I saw him four times, when I was little, when I was six years old, when I ten years old, that was a harder period at home. When I was fourteen years old, I saw him for the last time. He was always on the road.

The last fifteen years he lived in one place, in Prague, he worked for a famous rabbi. I don't know what exactly he did. I only know that he lived there, that was his permanent address. We never went to see him. We weren't that well-off that we could travel. I did travel, and that's how I met my Transylvanian relatives during the war, because I had to get my citizenship [KEOKH - National Central Alien Control Office].

Relatives of mine lived in Szinervaralja, Remetemezo, Bikszad, Somkutpataka, Szatmarnemeti and Kolozsvar. It was a large family. [All of these cities named belonged to Romania after Trianon. Kolozsvar alone was in Romania before the treaty.] They were scattered all over, and then my mother said to go visit them. Aside from this, we also travelled when we were sick. There wasn't a hospital in our town, if I was sick, for example when they took out my appendix, then I travelled to Beregszasz [Berehove] and back.

My mother always wore an apron at home, and always had small change in the apron. If a beggar came, she always gave. We had our own beggars. I'm sure they had more money than we did. She gave anyway, she helped, and taught us by doing that. I was like that, too. I helped, and helped, and I don't regret it. I had lots of friends. They really loved me, I loved them, too. There was no difference, if they were Jewish or Christian. Or Gypsy either. The Gypsies [Roma] have really difficult, very disadvantaged lives.

We were Hungarian citizens until 1918, we always felt we were Hungarians. The villages, cities which I just listed, that was Hungary. I really loved Erdely, too. My mother told me so much about it, it was good to listen to her. The family was big, and everybody had some story.

Jakab Mermelstien is my older brother. And now for sixty years, he's 'Jack'. He was born in 1921 in Somkut, in Szatmar county. My parents were living there at the time. They wandered around quite a lot.

My younger brother, Ignac Mermelstein was born in Huszt in 1926. The mother tongues of all three of us are Hungarian and Yiddish, and naturally we also knew Ruthenian. We spoke Hungarian in Romania. Not many spoke Hungarian in Huszt, so we had to learn the Ruthenian language, too. All three of us went to a Ruthenian school. [Ruthenians: the name for an East Slavic people living in what was once Galicia and Subcarpathia, as well as Bukovina and who speak a Ukrainian dialect.]

I knew Hungarian, also, I learned a little German, Yiddish and German are very similar. I was happy with that for a couple years, and I developed further with English. I had to learn a little English, because if I went to [visit] my little brother's family in America, so I would have had to speak only English. They said that I spoke quite well, but now I don't know any English anymore.

My brothers went to a Jewish school. Jewish school lasted for half a day, either morning or afternoon. It was obligatory in our family, my father insisted on it. [probably a cheder]. Among my ancestors, there were cantors, teachers. The Jewish school was there in Huszt, the two boys went there. My father learned it, and he wanted the boys to learn Hebrew, too. They learned how to pray. I even know how to pray, I just don't understand a word of it.

My older brother finished grammar school, that was popular then. He didn't learn anything else. He was very talented, but since he was Jewish, they were careful not to support Jews. As a Jewish child, his drawings were out in the hall [on display], he was so talented. And he was very clever, he knew a lot about everything. At the age of fifteen, he took over the work from mother - he'd never studied how to sew - he sewed trousers beautifully, men's trousers. And then, at the age of fifteen, he became the family provider. We respected him and loved him, because he was so diligent. He saw that my mother was struggling with the three children, and we lived really far from the city, six kilometers away. You had to go by foot, and clothes had to be carried there, and the tailored work had to be brought back, and then my older brother took it over. My mother struggled a lot, but she didn't complain ever.

My older brother became a tailor. But a life artist, too. He could do something with anything. He made candy brittle in his childhood. He was still in grammar school, and he made candy brittle from sugar. He roasted it, then wrapped it and sold it. He had pocket money, and even my mother got some of it. When he was already older, then he made bead strings, and colored watch chains. It was the fashion then, the peasants wore them. He always figured something out. He was very talented.

The family was religious. Mainly, my father. He was somewhere between the Neolog 4and the Orthodox5. He went to the bath [mikveh] and to temple everyday, and only after that would he unpack his wares. He was very sensitive to cleanliness. He never went into the street without a hat. He had a regular coat, normal shirt [not characteristically Hassidic clothing] and he had a little beard like this.

The rest of us weren't really temple-goers. My mother went once or twice a year, for the high holidays. The boys also went. Girls didn't have to go to temple. We did have to study religion. And Hebrew, too. All through grammar school we studied religion. I learned to read it, I just don't know what it means anymore.

I remember childhood celebrations. We were poor, but on Fridays we always held a regular holiday dinner. On Friday, you had to properly cook. We made brioche, fresh bread, meat soup. That was the usual thing, we always did this. My mom had a feeling for it, she didn't work on Saturday, didn't warm anything on Saturday, she cooked the kinds of things that you didn't have to warm up. In my childhood, we cooked dried plums and dried apples, and every week there had to be brioche. We had to wake up early Saturday morning. We could hardly wait to get to eat the brioche. Here in my household, it wasn't possible [to keep kosher]. My husband, Janos Banyai was Dunantul [from the 'beyond-the-Danube' region], from Nagykanizsa. His parents kept the Sabbath, the kids didn't much anymore.

On Saturday the boys went to temple, my mother went to the neighbors to talk a bit. She'd take me, too. Later, I went to one of my girlfriends, and when the boys came home, then it was lunch. At the Jewish homes, chulent was the main lunch at noon on Saturday. But we didn't like chulent. My mother rarely made it. She made plenty of salads, tarhonya [a pasta] with beef or chicken, meat soup. She made apple compote, lit candles, and if my father was home, then there were very serious lunches and dinners, my father always prayed at them. It was so cosy and peaceful. It's completely different when the head of the family is home.

At Passover, we ate and there's a tradition in the seder that you're not allowed to eat bread. So before that you had to clean out everything, and everything in the world had to be moved. Clean beautifully, and change the dishes. We did this, and it was a good piece of work, a little different than the everyday [cleaning]. Once on seder night, my father gave me a piece of matzot to put away, as a reward. You get a gift for it. I hid it, but the rest... I don't know anymore what I got. But I was very proud, that I got to hide the piece of matzot. You had to keep it for a while.

Then there were the high holidays, when my mother also went to temple. The women wore white dresses. There was Purim, then there was the Day of Atonement [Yom Kippur], there was Sukkot, the tent holiday, these we all kept, and my mother always went to temple then. Then came the mourning day for the dead, we lit candles or a little lamp, my mother kept it for me so I wouldn't accidentally forget to remember her loved ones.

I was sick a lot. Not seriously sick, a little cold, a little fever, this, that, it was enough that I just didn't feel good. Since I was the only girl, I had to clean and watch my little brother. When I was sick, then my brothers did the cleaning. We lived in a dirt-floor house in Huszt. Every week I had to do a big cleaning. My mother took the work, the finished work, and brought things to cook. I stayed at home to clean. Every year we had to white-wash it inside and out. Every week we had to putty up [the cracks]. My mother was maniacally clean. I had to wash, too, I had to do a weekly washing. For the big washing, Mariska came, my mother's friend, and she did it.

I always had to take care of my little brother. Because my mother worked, and when she left home, went into the city, I had to look after my little brother. It was a very big burden on me. My older brother was in school, I was together with my little brother. The area around our house was a very dangerous place, there was a canal in front of the house. And that went to the Tisza River [the second largest river in Hungary]. We really had to be careful that children didn't fall in. My whole childhood was spent looking after my little brother. I hated my little brother because I was tied down and I really liked to play. And now we're best friends.

Once when I was little, my father laughed at me. When my little brother was born, I was three years old. My mother nursed the child, and I wanted to be nursed, too. Until then there had been two of us, and then the third child came. I was jealous of my brother. My mother nursed him, and I wanted to be nursed, too. I sat down on the ground and cried. My father was home, and he laughed at me. I grabbed a shoe and threw it at my father. He laughed at me. He was rarely at home, and he only beat me once, when I was six years old. I was his favorite. He didn't see me much, but I was his only daughter. So much love flowed toward me. He didn't like the boys, he was very strict with them, because he wanted them to study [religion], too. But the boys weren't very interested in religion, though they went to the Jewish school.

My father always sent some kind of gewgaw, something to wear, beads, jewelry, sometimes he sent oranges. So he always sent packages. Plus he sent home the fifty-five crowns and fifty filler. The postman brought that to me, I went to the post office every week.

I really loved to play. I had girlfriends. I really loved to play dolls, and to build houses out of mud, and furniture and everything. My mother, as a seamstress, had these little pieces of cloth, I took them, and had a good time playing with the peasant kids. At that time, they sewed dolls for children themselves. If you were clever, you sewed a doll for your girlfriend. Plus we made furniture and a dollhouse. It was great to be little then, despite the fact that you had to sweep, too. Everything was good then. It's the same now, if people would be a little more modest, they'd live a lot more happily.

I did very nice needlework. Once I didn't dare go home, because I got a five [the worst grade then] in needlework. At that time, a one was the best grade. I was crying when I told how I got a five in needlework. My mother bathed me, and tucked me in, nothing happened. I didn't know that it wasn't my fault, that I failed because she didn't give me money for needlework. But after that, I always had needlework.

I fell down a lot in my childhood. We had to go on stone streets, and tights were popular then. My tights always ripped, when I went to school. I went home, fell down again, my mother came home late, she'd done the shopping during the day, that night she washed them and patched them.[probably darned them, that is, 'patched' the hole in the cotton 'floret stockings' with a multi-string thread in a singular pattern.] The next day, I put them on again. Later I patched them, too. When I patched them, my mother, who wasn't big on praise, complimented me. 'That's my little girl', and I was very proud of that. It can be good to be poor too, if that's how it turns out. I didn't want anything else, we had everything. Our parents did all they could to dress us decently and send us to school.

I remember from those times that once my mother went to visit relatives in Erdely, and she took a sack of pastries. Her mother was alive then, and my aunt, too. My mother told us how happy they were. A sack of pastries were even cheaper then, in the 1930s. There in Subcarpathia, we didn't have anybody, we were wanderers.

We didn't really get to see my paternal grandparents, because we didn't have money for travel. Once we went, all three of us kids, to a wedding, and it was really good, because there was a big garden. And there was an oven, and since I was the guest, I got to sleep on the top of the oven. It was very interesting. I got clothes then, that was a rare thing, to get clothes for a wedding. And I was very happy. It was my aunt Libi's wedding. She ended up in Auschwitz, too. They lived in Munkacs [Mukaceve], they took them away from there. It was a proper wedding, she had on a pretty white dress. When I went out the gate of the temple, then they threw confetti. I loved it so much, I was about five or six. There was good food then, so we partied well. But my mother always said: you have to behave! Well we had to, you couldn't horse around there.

I always loved to work, and I always had work. I took on everything. My first job was at age fourteen, when I finished grammar school. When I finished, I went to a family and had to watch two twins. Their mother had lung problems. They were about eleven years old, I was fourteen. I had to watch them, it was just like when an older sister watches the younger ones. They gave me something to eat, they gave me clean clothes, they had no problems with me. I didn't have to clean, because I was a child myself. Though I was already cleaning at home, I started early, I didn't play much, I had to work a lot at home.

Then when I was already bigger, I started working on Fo street in a hat shop, in a first-class place. They were very satisfied with me. I was so happy. That was a good place. And I set aside my fillers [pennies], and went to study in the trade school. I learned millinery [hat making]. My mother asked me, what do you want to be? A seamstress or something else? I said, something else, and it sounded so good then. Women's milliner. And I became something else, though I surely would have been a good seamstress. Because I already had the background. I saw it at home.

I knew the Hungarian language, because my mother was a native speaker, but I couldn't write it, I just learned to speak it from my mother. Then they enrolled me in the Ruthenian school, and I finished eight classes in Ruthenian. Later in the trade school, we learned Hungarian. You had to study in Hungarian, you had to learn Hungarian, and that's when I learned Hungarian. Things went well, I didn't have a problem. At that time, if there was work, then there wasn't a problem.

Thank god, we didn't have conflicts in Huszt. Because for us it didn't matter who was Jewish and who wasn't. We were so lucky, my mother got along with everybody. They came, 'please sew these trousers. My child's pants have holes in the knees, please fix them.' Friday night, there was always brioche at our house. That's when the children got crescent brioche. My mother fixed the pants for the children, and well, they didn't even pay. And that's how it went.

I didn't feel that some stranger would hurt us, nobody, never. Nobody ever said, 'smelly Jew' to me. My poor mother, but she helped in those little ways a lot. For the peasants, and the poor.

What was hard, was that we were Hungarians. There were ladies, proper ladies, Christians, who would have liked to talk to my mother, but they couldn't speak Hungarian, just Ruthenian. The majority were Ruthenian. My mother didn't know Ruthenian. Or rather, she spoke Ruthenian very badly. That was difficult. Nothing else.

There were a lot of Jews in Huszt. The Jews in general were merchants, they did business. The ladies almost never worked. My mother worked, because my father was sick for a while, and she had to learn to sew, so we could live from something. The wealthier Jews acted so strangely with the poor. They felt different than them. And that's somehow why they didn't like them. I didn't like, for example, the 'Lipotvaros' ones, either. [A stereotype of wealthy Jews; Gyula Zeke wrote, Lipotvaros in the 1870's 'attracted the modern, big city functionaries, and this district (of Budapest) was home to the big capital institutions and Jewish upper middle classes'.]

There were three Mermelstein families in Huszt. I heard there were some in Munkacs and in Beregszasz, too. In one of the kibbutzes, there's a roll of names of those killed in the time of loss, and my father's name is on it. And there are a lot of Mermelsteins on the list. That's how I know they were in Munkacs, too. These were generally rich people. Lumber merchants, all kinds of merchants. Then you bought land, it was their business, spice shops, delicatessens. One of my classmates was even called Mermelstein, I was poor, she was rich. When I was studying at the trade school, she came in with a blue fox on her neck ['blue fox' - a high-quality gray arctic fox stole with bluish highlights, a truly expensive piece in Europe at the time] - because as I said, the hat shop was in a elegant quarter - and she said, 'Good Day' to me! [the most formal greeting for strangers] I didn't return her greeting. Why should she greet me with 'Good Day' when we went to school together for eight years? But I saw her, when she was very unfortunate.

During the war

When the Hungarians came in to Huszt [First Vienna Decision]6, the Jewish laws [anti-Jewish Laws]7 came. My mother was a big Hungarian. It was a Thursday. The Hungarians are coming, the Hungarians are coming! - said my mother. She was so happy that the Hungarians were coming, she'll have someone to talk to. There were a lot of Hungarians in Erdely. Much fewer in Huszt. She made the pickle on Thursday afternoon, then went down to city hall to welcome them. Well, she couldn't have been happy for long.

Then came the crying, when almost all three of the children had to leave at once! And it's good that we left, because we survived. If we'd stayed, then we surely wouldn't have survived. We had no work, nor anything to eat. The Hungarians came, they wanted to see the papers, that we were Hungarians. I left to visit the relatives, so we'd have the papers. I got the papers together. But meanwhile, I was there for a couple weeks with the relatives. They all jumped on me, that here's Olgica, Eszti's little girl, they'd never seen me before. Although I was born in Bikszad. I was Transylvanian, too.

I got the citizenship together, and it was quiet for a while. [But] When the time came, 1944, they killed the whole family together with their citizenship. They killed my father in 1941, they took him away in Prague, and we didn't know anything about him. Later, we found out he'd been taken to Theresienstadt 8. I just saw the museum, I was in Israel. They made a museum on a kibbutz, for just those who'd been taken to Theresienstadt, and there's a memorial plaque there for my father. My little brother found it.

And so my mother stayed there with three children. True, we were already pretty grown up [The three siblings were born in 1921, 1923 and 1926]. My little brother, Ignac was in grammar school when the Jewish laws came. They kicked him out of school, and he wasn't allowed to study. I wasn't allowed to work. My older brother, Jakab (he later became Jack) they called him up for 'work service' [forced labor] in Koszeg. They took away my mother's work, too. She worked in a dress shop as a home-worker seamstress. Those she worked for, they were also Jewish small businessmen, they had a business, but that also closed.

There were some who hung themselves. There was a very sweet spice merchant neighbor, who was already elderly, and when they said they were taking people in, without a word, he hung himself. He was a very smart man. Mister Zoli Szabo, he was called, I greatly respect him that he hung himself. It's better than the gas. He took the pleasure away from the Germans [sic - Nazis]. He was a very good neighbor. There were a lot of poor people living around there, and he gave them goods without getting paid, he wrote it up in a little notebook. And he'd say to the person, they can pay him next week or the week after, and he trusted them. That's how he stayed in business. Poor people always paid their debts. That was the old man whom I bought candy from when I was little, and he wrapped it in newspaper. He was a really decent man.

I was nineteen years old, when I had to get away from Huszt. Until the age of nineteen, I worked for a Jewish man who was a milliner. They shut down the business, sent three assistants away, and kept me. He took me to his apartment, hid me away in a dark room, and there, in that haze we worked for him. I don't know exactly... I recall it was about a year, but it could have been less. The point is that I was happy to be able to work.

Then times got really hard. Uncle Dezso came for the summer to my mother's, and my mother was there, too. Uncle Dezso sent a message, 'My Olgica, go up to Pest [Budapest], my daughter is there, she's very smart and very diligent, she'll help you find a position.' I came up to Pest. I brought my little brother with me, who was sixteen. We took a monthly room on Dob street, and stayed there for a month. Then we found a better one on Kossuth Lajos street, next to the old Uttoro Department Store. I couldn't stand my little brother. He always jumped up on moving trams. I sent him to Uncle Dezso, who was a cantor teacher in Dombovar. He accepted my brother right alongside his own ten children. There you could still study, nobody asked if you were Jewish or Christian. My uncle signed my brother up to be an electrician [trade school] And then for work they went to a Schwabian [ethnic German Hungarians]. They pretty soon... it came up what religion are you. My brother said, he didn't speak Hungarian so well, because they spoke Yiddish at home, that he's Jewish. Then the assistant kicked him, why did he say he was Jewish. They didn't kick him out because, in fact he was a hard-working kid, they let him work. My little brother learned to be an electrician there. At that time, they didn't give my mother work anymore, and my older brother was in work service.

On Uncle Dezso's advice, I looked up Olga, and told her, 'Hello, I'm Aunt Eszti's daughter.' Aunt Eszti was her aunt. 'I already heard about you, come on, my Olgica', she always called me that. 'I'll run a hot bath for you, but you are a big girl!' But she wasn't like that with just me, but with everybody. And when the war broke out, they took her husband away to forced labor with my later husband. Her husband and my husband were brothers, and they married two cousins, because Olga and I were cousins.

When I looked Olga up, my future husband was living there - Olga's brother- in-law. That's how we met. He was so happy when he first saw me. He could love you excessively. He loved me so much that he always wanted to be with me, and wanted to hear my voice. Now also, until his death, everything was very nice and very good.

In 1942 in Pest, I was already a milliner. Like everyone, I was looking for work. I had a pair of rags, that I tried to keep decent. I didn't do a lot of shopping. I had an oil-burner, that I made myself morning tea on, and there was a telephone. I didn't really use it. I wasn't a little girl anymore, I was already nineteen. They paid badly, I could barely pay rent. I wasn't in that first hat shop for long, just a short time. Then I found a position somewhere else, on the Vamhaz ringroad. There I had good work. I had to work a lot, but I made good money. The owners were husband and wife, the man was Jewish and the woman was German. I worked there until they called me in [to forced labor].

My younger brother lived with Uncle Dezso, but supported himself. Slowly, they too became poor. Those couple of years were very difficult. All at once they just shut every door in front of you. You couldn't work, you couldn't buy bread, buy milk, anything.

My mother wrote: If you can, go out to Teleki and buy some trousers for your older brother, and find something for his feet, too. I went out to Teleki - it was a kind of flea market - and bought him trousers. She also wrote: 'Don't let there be trouble with your brother, because in the work service you're only allowed to get one letter, and the others they don't hand over, so if you have something to tell him, or you can send him something, then write to me at home, and I'll pass it on to your brother. I had gotten a little money together in Pest. I was very lucky, I always had work. I earned twenty-eight pengo [Hungarian currency before the Forint] a week. I arranged it, and sent it.

Don't send me anything, mother wrote, because I've got everything. From what does she have everything? They kicked her out of her job, because she was Jewish. I couldn't imagine where she could have had everything from. And plus in the summer - this was in 1942 - my little brother, Ignac went home, and it turned out where from she has everything. She was at the neighbors', with her skirts rolled up, on her knees scrubbing. She became a maid.

My little brother saw that, he was a sensitive child anyway, and he cried so much because she was scrubbing floors. I said, what do you have to cry about? Be happy she's got work, and something to eat. Then he got himself past it, but it really broke his heart. Then mother disappeared. They took her to Auschwitz. She ended up in the crematorium, I know that, because I was in Auschwitz, and I met a classmate of mine, and she said she saw her with her own mother, and knew that where they were lining up to go was to the crematorium. That was the end.

Uncle Dezso's children, Miksa, Miksa Herskovits, then Jeno Herskovits, Lali and Jolan came up to Pest. They came when they guessed something: Those who don't come up, will die.

Olga, to whom I came, was left alone with her children, her husband ended up in the work service. She was ten years older than me, I was the little Olgi. She was a seamstress, a very good seamstress. She studied under Klara Rotschild [fashion designer, opened a salon in 1934, worked as a state employee after 1945, and was the artistic director of the Clara Salon]. She was an excellent seamstress, if she sewed herself a dress, she sewed one for me. We got along so well, and wore the same dresses. She had two little daughters, one was four years old in 1944, the other was two. Both of them perished. They hid in Pest. A bomb hit the house next door to the one in which they were hiding, and then they went into the house. They were there for a couple hours, then started out into the street. A Christian woman called out to Olga, said there's an alarm on, why is she walking in the street. She took them in. The woman's husband was very angry that she adopted them. We haven't got anything to eat, why did you bring this woman and her two kids here? She can't feed her kids! And she couldn't, and the girl starved to death. Gabi. The other girl, Zsuzsa died in the hospital, she had some sickness.

After the war, she and her husband moved to Mezohegyes, the man was a head accountant there, but in 1956 9 they kicked him out of his job. They picked themselves up, and left for Israel. After the war, they had two children, they were successful, clever, educated. One was six years old, the other eleven years old when they left for Israel. The boy died a hero's death on his twenty-first birthday. Olga was the big woman of the kibbutz, they always had lots of guests, because they really liked her, and she worked to the end of her life. She couldn't stay at home. Olgi sewed there in Israel, too. Sanyi worked poor guy, outside in the orange plant.

Here in Pest, they took people away later by a couple weeks. Altogether, they gathered up the Jews and took them away probably within a month.[Plight of Budapest Jews]10 It went very quickly. They had just kicked me out of my job. An Arrow Cross[soldier]11 came, and said I had a quarter of an hour to gather my most important belongings, and come with him. What for, where to? You'll see. I packed up, and he took me to Csepel [island in the Danube]. I worked in the Csepel brick factory for a while. There I met a girl, who became my best girlfriend, to the end of her life she was a very good friend of mine. We went through everything together. She was dr. Stefania Mandy, art historian [Stefania Mandy: poet, art historian, translator]. Stefka was already twenty-five years old, she was an art historian, she had already taught. Before they conscripted her for work service, she was already a real person. And a good friend can give you life, too. Not just me, a couple of us stayed alive only because we succeeded in gathering a couple people around us, with whom we didn't talk about, 'My, how hungry I am, a little poppyseed pastry would be great.' Stefania Mandy held lectures for us, she knew a lot, that we didn't. We were twenty years old, or still eighteen, youngsters. And that was what saved our lives.

They took us from Csepel to Budakalasz by boat. We were there for five days under the open sky. It rained the whole time. Earlier they'd taken our rings, watches. I was engaged already, the ring, the chain, they took it all. I was left with only the clothes I had on. Then they took us into a room. They said, if somebody has to go to the toilet, go then. We went in line to the toilet, and one of the girls hid fifty pengo in the toilet. Then they got us together and took us into another room. Constables12, 'feathered' constables ['kakastollas csendorok', named for the rooster feather on their helmet] came, and started to beat us. We were all girls. And they only beat us, because nobody talked, because the girl who hid the money wasn't among us.

Then they put us on a certain Auschwitz-bound boxcar. We were on a train for five days. There was no toilet, not to mention a place to sleep. We were locked up for days, no food, no water, nothing. In the morning, they gave us some kind of slop. There were some who went crazy there in the boxcar with the child in their arms, some who died, young. Then we arrived. There, the selection began. One right, one left. Whomever they found able- bodied, they took away to work. They cut our hair off, shaved us bald, took off our one article of clothing and gave us some rag. They gave me a black lace dress, and when it got really hot, the lace stuck to my neck, my body. I could laugh that I was 'all in lace' [the impression of the lace marked her skin].

We were very thirsty. We'd gotten off the boxcars, they'd bathed us, cut off our hair, gave us a lace dress, and we were still thirsty. Once they brought a bucket of water, everyone climbed into that bucket. I got a swallow of water too. I'll never forget it as long as I live, how delicious that water was, never! I never ate and drank things that tasted so good, that probably saved my life. I almost died of thirst, not just me, others too. We considered it a separate punishment.

We starved a lot, they beat us. They once hit me in the head so hard from behind with a big club, that my girlfriends just stared to see I was still alive. We were very hungry, I had bent over for a potato skin and that's why they beat my head in. I was okay, that was a personal bit of luck. Then I just watched from in line: they took pregnant mothers away, they never brought them back. They experimented with children. I went before Mengele four times. And all four times I stayed alive. There was a truck. Whomever didn't please him, whomever he thought wasn't able to work, they immediately put on the truck. And by the third selection, I was really thin.

I always collected them - didn't matter if they beat my head in - the potato peels. It was muddy, but I ate it. I had a little package set aside, I was really scared before every selection, I ate them quick. Poor Stefka, she spoke up for all of us, when they dished out the food. Once there was cabbage soup or potato soup, but there were no potatoes in it. Stefka, she said: 'There aren't any potatoes!' She got slapped so hard! We were really sorry for her. Next day, we stood in line again with our little mess-tins. The food server asks: are there enough potatoes? Steffi said, 'Enough'. She would have given her another slap.

Sometimes, at dawn they dragged us out in our one thin dress. They yelled and beat us. We drank puddles, I scratched the frozen garbage pile with a stick to make it easier to pick things up with my hands. He [the guard] gave me such a sudden beating. He said, 'Throw the stick away, do it with your hands!' I threw it away. A lot of people went crazy, and afterwards everybody stayed a little crazy. Me, too.

We got together to listen to Stefania Mandy. I liked her a lot, and I was very proud that I was close to her. She was very smart, a mature person. Klari Hoffman taught us French. So we had a little culture, and that helped a lot. French was so alien to me. I already knew Yiddish, Hungarian and German. But French was somehow very difficult. I never got anywhere with the French language. I wasn't really interested afterwards.

Many times I excused those who sat alone. People went crazy there, too. There were two sisters, one went insane. She looked at her sister helplessly, she couldn't do a thing. They were two girls from Mako. There were young parents who buried their children. I didn't consider myself unfortunate. We made a lot of plans. Who would eat what, who would cook what... One would like to eat this, the other would eat that. It was horrible when we talked about food.

Twelve of us slept in one bunk. If one wanted to turn over, all twelve had to turn over, like herrings, that's the way they put us. The toilet was far, and separate. We went to the toilet quite a lot, because we were very cold at night. The nights were very cold. I saw the crematorium, the smoke, and I always kept looking for my mother. We were very much mama's girls, truth be told. I always searched for my mother, after the war, even on the street, I always looked for a lady in a scarf.

Then they took us from Auschwitz to work in Liebau [This was a sub-camp of the Gross-Rosen concentration camp in the south Silesian town of Liebau (today Lubowka, Poland).] I was in Auschwitz for a couple months. We signed up for work and we got into a really good place, a factory. We were happy that we could work. The first time they gave us food, we got a real goulash. It was such great happiness - that after months we could finally eat something - it's impossible to explain. We said to each other, 'My God, how lucky we are, how great it will be here for us'. There was warm water, a bit rusty, but it was something. We got through about a half year there. How louse-infested we were, and hungry, and ragged! The more there were of us, the easier it was to bear the hunger, and beatings, and that driving pace - we had to work really hard. We bore it all. A lot of them fell out, a lot died. But among us [friends], hardly any died.

We worked in a weapons crate factory. We had to drill those... clips or whatever, with heavy drills. It was so heavy, that it caused an abscess on my neck. There was a sickroom, they put me there. Good God what happens, Mengele came there after us. I said, 'Well, he found me.' I was sure he was going to take me away. He didn't take me away. And that was some kind of holy miracle. I'm sure that was sent by God, because that just doesn't happen. That somebody is lying there sick, and he leaves them there. True it was close to the liberation, but that something like that happened? There aren't many of those kind of miracles.

The liberation was really good. I noticed it. I said, 'Quick, quick come here!' How many were there in the room then? About thirty of us. And everybody wanted to get in front of the other. They saw the French soldiers throw up their hats. There were French prisoners of war there, too. They came in. By that time, the Germans had all run away, not one was left. We greeted them so joyfully! You just can't describe it. I dreamed the liberation. I dreamed that it was spring, and the lilacs were flowering. And Jean, one of the soldiers, and more of them, are running around with lilacs, happily passing them out to everyone. And that's the way it was. The lilacs bloom in May. My dream came true. I think about that very many times. We were there for three more weeks. We had to clean ourselves up, find clothes, there weren't any anywhere. We searched for food. We almost died doing that. I stuffed myself with molasses - a kind of yellow sugar, half-done sugar. You eat more because you feel like, 'More, more!', and you stuff yourself. I ate it and I was so sick. Oh, not just me, the others, too.

Then soon I got better. Then we ate with discretion, a little less of it. I couldn't tell you what we ate. We didn't really pay so much attention to eating then - rather that we organize a way to get back home - that we sleep in humane conditions at all. We looked for an empty apartment. We found an empty German apartment. It was a nice, middle-class apartment, and they had canvas curtains on the windows. We took down a curtain, Kati could sew, and I could somewhat also. And we sewed dresses out of the curtain. We threw away those rags, which we had on. A woman came and asked what we're doing. We said we're sewing dresses. How could we take down the curtains, what will the owner say if they come home? We said, we only took one of the pair, if they're hurt about their curtain, we're a lot more hurt about our loss and sorrow. She grabbed a vase and threw it to the ground. We said, 'For you the [loss of the] curtain hurts, for us our loved ones and our youth hurts. Look at us, how we look. We don't have clothes, nothing.' Then the woman got scared and left. Then a Russian car came. The Russians arrived and gave us food. We trudged along. They escorted us. That's how we came home.

They escorted Stefka away. First her, she was the one who directed the group, and she was the one who got the big beatings many times instead of us, in Auschwitz. We were so sorry for her, she stood up so often for others. They'd killed her father, there was a lot of lamentation, her mother stayed alive. There was one other in our group, Kati Winkler, they also escorted her home, she lived on Suto street. And both of her parents stayed alive. They were at home in the ghetto. The other Kati's father and step-mother were killed, her mother had died before the war. They'd killed one of her brothers, and the poor thing lost her other brother too, he died of an illness. And everyone else's loved ones were also all killed, the other's were orphans just like me.

Post-war

We met occasionally after the war, and that was really good. Annually, and as the years went by, they passed away. One after the other, they died. They died young, quite young. Us three, Kati, Stefka and I lived a long time. Stefka was eighty-three years old when she died. Kati was younger, than me, by two years, I'm already eighty-one years old. I never would have believed that after all that suffering I would live to be eighty-one years old.

After the war, we were here in Pest with my friends in a rented apartment. Three friends took one apartment. My fiance hadn't come home, yet. I had a fiance during the war, who was in the work service, and they didn't take my picture away from him. 'I always think about you, my dear love, and even the greatest suffering will be easy. Budapest, 1944. June 28.' There were other love letters, I just can't find those. They took my mother's last picture away from me, I cried so. Well, we lived from one day to the next. I was lucky that I could adjust to people, and I could say what they wanted to hear.

And the Joint 13 gave us food and something to wear. I got a coat, a dress and food. My name was written on the list, I looked, maybe I might find somebody. I looked for my brothers. My older brother and younger one. Once I saw, 'Ignac Mermelstein, Prague'. I was so happy! I had no idea how he got there. Then he quickly arrived in Pest, and we met here in Bethlen square. Then we started looking for my older brother. We expected him to just come home. One after the other, quite a lot of young people came home, those who could take it.

One day my fiance and I, who was already home, went past the Dohany street Jewish temple and somebody starts yelling from across the street, 'Olga! Jack (then still Jakab) is in the Arena Street [Dozsa Gyorgy Street, today] school.' I didn't know from my joy, if I shouldn't start running there to see him sooner. I went there. 'Oh god, look at you,' and I started crying. He pushed me away. 'What are you crying for?', he said. 'Be happy that I'm alive. I been through Typhus. You know how they dropped dead from that? Like flies', he said. 'Be happy, that you can see me like this, that I could wake up and could come home. Because the others, they burned down the lager and burned them.

My younger brother was in Theresienstadt. My older brother in Koszeg, in forced labor. Then he was in Bergen-Belsen. The family was scattered, and you had to live with that. The greatest suffering wasn't even that we weren't together, it was when I found out that they'd cremated my mother in Auschwitz. I saw the crematorium, but I didn't want to believe that they were burning up women and children. For many years, they didn't talk about the children. They burned up a million and half children, innocent children! And old people, and nobody talked about that. The memory of a million and a half children. Under the open sky, completely free, as if the sky was free, and the stars, all the stars changed into children. And for long decades, everyday they have been constantly reading the names. I was there in Yad Vashem. Terrible, terrible.

I have a list. When they celebrated the fiftieth anniversary of the death of our martyrs, then I made a note for my children and my grandchildren. 'On the 50th anniversary of the death of our martyrs, so that you don't for the old victims, ever!' And then here I started listing them - Eszter Herskovits, 49 years old, lived in Huszt, killed in Auschwitz. She was my mother. My father, Marton Mermelstein, 44 years old, he was taken away in Prague, they killed him in Theresienstadt in 1941. My grandmother, Julia Stern, was 83 years old, lived in Remetemezo, in Erdely, was killed in Auschwitz. My mother's siblings: there were seven of them, six of them were killed. Samuel Herskozits, was 65 years old, and his wife, she was 63 years old, they took them to Auschwitz, one of their sons, Laszlo, was 43 when he was taken to forced labor. I don't know where he died. And there was another son, Erno, he lived in Satoraljaujhely, he was likewise in forced labor, his wife, Elza was taken to Auschwitz at the age of 32. Their child was three when it went to Auschwitz. Dezso Herskovits, 62 years old, and his wife 58 years old, were taken away from Dombovar to Auschwitz. They had ten children, they were in Pest, of the ten, thank God only one was killed, Karoly, age 26. He was called up for the work service in Dombovar. Two among them went into hiding, two families. The others were conscripted into work service and stayed alive. Hanna, 58 years old, who lived in Kolozsvar went to Auschwitz with her two children, Frida, 32 years old, and Marton, 28 years old. Sara, 56 years old, was taken away in Szinervaralja. Aunt Fani, 52 years old, her husband, Lajos Samuel, 52 years old, and their two children, Eva and Jozsef were taken away in Remetemezo. So all my mother's siblings died except the youngest.

A couple things are missing from my father's side: my great aunt Libi, 49 years old, my father's sister, Auschwitz. Her daughter, Judit, eight years old, Auschwitz. Her husband, 57 years old, Auschwitz. Plus one little girl, Olga, nine years old, Auschwitz. Herman Stern, my father's uncle, died in Theresienstadt, they took him away in Ersekujvar.

On my husband's side, Janos Banyai's father, Adolf Brand, 62 years old, Auschwitz. His mother, Judit Kalman, 53 years old, Auschwitz. His grandmother, Mrs. Zsigmond Kalman, 83 years old, Auschwitz. His uncle, Zsigmond Brand, 64 years old, Auschwitz. Bela Brand, my husband's cousin was in forced labor, I don't know where. Bela Kalman, his mother's brother and his wife, 50 years old, Auschwitz. Their little daughter, Marika, ten years old, Auschwitz. Gabriella Banyai, my husband's sister's first daughter was six years old, she died here in hiding, and their smaller daughter died, too. I wrote here that the aforementioned were recorded by the Auschwitz survivor, seventy year old lady, stamped with the number 11506. That's what was left to me. Horrible. I knew them all.

My husband, Janos Banyai was from Nagykanizsa, born in 1916, died at the age of 87 last year. One year ago. Originally, he was a watchmaker, then he graduated from the Economics University, then he finished a steel-industry technical [school], he liked to study, he studied a lot. In the end, he was always a watchmaker. He was a technical manager too, but he loved watch making so much, that he gave up the manager position. He retired as a watchmaker, poor man. He was sick a lot, in the end he went blind, struggled a lot.

They were originally the Brands. In 1929, they wanted to emigrate to America because they already had relatives there. Big families were popular then. They were a big family, and a part of it emigrated. I think, two or three of them were in America, and they also got ready to immigrate. But for some reason, it didn't work out, I don't know why. Then they magyarized their name to Banyai. And since 1929, they were Banyais.

His parents had a little shop, it went really well. His great grandmother was called Lina Markovics. Mrs. Zsigmond Kalman nee Lina Markovics. My mother in law was called Judit Kalman. My father in law was Adolf Brand. My husband had an older brother who was called Sandor Banyai, his wife, Mrs. Sandor Banyai, was my cousin, Olga. My father-in-law and mother-in-law and her mother were killed in the war.

At my wedding in 1945, all of them laughed cheerfully. Though we should have cried at the wedding. We didn't cry because somebody always did something on purpose so there wouldn't be crying. I couldn't do anything to stop it, anyway. I was in a borrowed dress at my own wedding, I got it from my cousin's girlfriend. It wasn't ugly. She got a dark blue dress - there was an assistance program, and they loaned it to her. It was a Jewish wedding, we were married in the Dohany Street temple [synagogue]. There wasn't a white dress, nor a veil, just a dark-blue borrowed dress, and that was fine. I could buy new shoes, the shoes were my own. And beyond that, the two friends with me were my own. There was nothing to laugh at then, but we were cheerful, that we made it this far, that somebody among us was getting married. Who would have thought that we would somehow get home. Everyone just thought of death there, mainly when I saw the crematorium smoking.

So I was the first to rush to get a husband. My husband quickly moved in, as soon as he got back from the work service. Anyway, I was already engaged before [the war]. Then everything was fine, because we were free. And we expected an easier life. We thought that if we get free of Auschwitz, then everything will be okay. Three or four months went by, since we got home, and I suddenly gained so much weight for my wedding. There were no relatives at my wedding. But that circle of friends was there, who were in Auschwitz with me. So this is how we looked three months after the war. We could eat already and we could smile. We had something to be glad about. That at last, something good is starting, a new life.

Such loyal friendship can only be formed there [in Auschwitz]. I found a picture, where there weren't any relatives, just deportees, friends, who I made in Auschwitz. I keep in contact with the girls, who I was together with in Auschwitz. There were eight of us, and we loved each other so. We helped each other stay alive. That was good. We didn't withdraw in Auschwitz, a person found someone they could tell things to. All the bad things, difficult things... Aside from hauling bricks, it was good that we were there for each other, because we could talk a little to each other.

One of the girls' uncle was a hospital director here in Pest. My girlfriend said, if you are going to give birth, go to my uncle. You don't have to pay, he'll arrange to have the birth done for free. A year after the war, it was still a really difficult world. I don't know whether I could have paid or not, and it felt good that she said it. As if I was part of a family.

My children never had a grandmother, grandfather nor aunt. If there was one, they were far away, because they tried to get as far away from home as they could. Though everyone in the family were big Hungarians. My husband and I were equally unfortunate, that they exterminated our whole family, and because of that I was nervous, and he was also nervous. How can one live eighty years? And that's the miracle, if anything He was nervous, he was sick too, and still we raised two children. That is such a holy miracle. We suffered a lot.

Soon after my wedding, my siblings scattered across the planet, and we never saw each other. It didn't matter that we had stayed alive, I never saw them, the same as if they had been killed. It hurt many times. I saw them three times in sixty years. That was very painful, and the way we look at around eighty, we won't see each other again. But it's good that they call sometimes. It was my birthday not long ago, and they called me, both of them. It was really good to hear them speak, I was glad that I have somebody. I was happy to at least hear their voices. That's how I lived out my life, because my husband didn't want to emigrate. My older and younger brothers left with an empty sack in 1945. I got married then. They yelled, 'You coming?' I said, I couldn't go. They said, 'Then god bless you!' They would have taken me, too, but my husband didn't want to go. His only sibling was here. And he felt this was his home. We stayed.

My brothers felt that they had nothing to gain here. If a country was capable of exterminating its' own residents, I don't know how many hundreds of thousands of innocent people and children, then they had nothing to gain by staying. They had to find a new home, which would accept them! It was painful for them also, that they had to go away, leave their friends here and like I said, we were very close. Of course, they had no property, it wasn't difficult leaving that. What they had, they carried it off, it was nothing to cry about. In Auschwitz, there was something to cry about.

They went to Czechoslovakia, they were there for a while. Then they went to France, my older brother stayed for five or six years. He learned French. Then he went to Canada, that's where he met his wife. They lived there for three years, while they got together enough money to travel. Then they went to California, to Los Angeles, and got themselves together very nicely. Sometimes my older brother worked twenty hours a day. In the beginning, they struggled a lot, because they weren't really accepted in America either.

My little brother went to Israel. Poor guy, they didn't accept him either, because they didn't know him. There was an aunt there, Olga, who'd never seen him, and didn't want to accept him. She only allowed him to put his belongings in her attic. That could only happen in the Mermelstein family. The Herskovitses welcomed me with so much love. Though they weren't close relatives.

My younger brother was very industrious. First he worked as an electrician, and once he even had an accident. I wrote him then to pack up and come here if he wants to live! He let me convince him. He came home, but just for a visit. Later, he retrained himself to be a tailor. Then he went to Los Angeles, too. In Los Angeles he had a business in the most elegant quarter. He had a salesman, too. One has three sons, the other has two sons.

This apartment, too. An old lady had to die so that I could get an apartment, because an old lady lived here. One of my husband's comrades from the work service said that unfortunately his mother never came back. The apartment is empty, I'll sell it to you. Then, in the end, it was only one room, because there were people already living in the other.

My husband's father and mother were killed. My husband's family was well- off, his parents had a spice business in Nagykanizsa. They pillaged that along with their small warehouse. The house and the business were left there, empty. They took everything. From the dulcimer to the expensive pictures, the goods and the shelves, too. Then they sold it after the war for 13,000 forints, a four-bedroom apartment and the business. A constable showed up, the neighbor. My husband was left with a double-cover gold watch, an earring, a gold ring and a chain which he gave to me. I really cherished it, because my previous necklace was taken by the constables, they ripped it off my neck.

From the 135 grams of gold my husband had left, we bought this room. Just this room, there was a share renter [share-renting]14 living in the other room. He was a country postman. He lived in the kitchen with his family, and kept rabbits in the prettiest of the rooms. They got along nicely. Then we came, and he had to put the rabbits out. We lived for thirteen years in a share-rent.

After the war, I finished a shorthand and stenography course. When I worked in a nursery, I finished an different course, and I became a social worker. Wherever you could find work, I worked there. In the nursery, I became the nursery director, because I was really hard-working. I tried terribly hard. Then I worked for thirty years in the Zrinyi Printing house as a stockpiler. So I was a paper stockpiler and I retired from there.

My husband was very often sick in the work service also, and when he got back home, he was always in the hospital, he'd been so destroyed. He couldn't face the loss of his parents, he really loved his parents. He couldn't face the fact that all his loved ones in Nagykanizsa had perished. Then he began studying. He worked and he studied, which really wore him down. Then somehow, we couldn't get along because of religion. He wanted to be an atheist, I wanted to stay Jewish, we argued quite a lot about that. He objected, for example, that we spoke Yiddish. It wasn't allowed. Although, he was Jewish, too. He was in a labor battalion, he suffered a lot. We didn't argue, we just debated. Because I was concerned about the child. Zsuzsi was seven years older than my son.

After the birth of my daughter, I fell into bad condition again. After the war, I gained weight, then I constantly lost it. And I was very weak. I worked, the family and job, it was hard getting to where I am today. I was here at home with my daughter until she was seven months old, then I had to go [to work]. I put her in a nursery, and she got blood poisoning there. I took her to a doctor, and said this child is sick, vomiting, doesn't want to eat, is crying. The doctor said to my colleague - the doctor was a close acquaintance of mine - that, this woman is crazy. She says this child is sick. I look at her, how beautiful. I told him, maybe she's beautiful, but this child is sick, I'd like to have her examined. He gave me a referral to the hospital. I took her in, and the child got worse day by day, so bad that she threw up everything they gave her. There were a lot of children there, and at that time a lot of them died. My daughter just didn't get better. They said I have to feed her one spoon of mother's milk every hour. They cut her leg here, her hand here, both of them, and on her thigh where there's a hole, a depression. So they were trying to feed her with blood, because she always vomited the mother's milk. She was in the hospital for three months before she finally got better. And how did she get better? That day she'd nearly died. Her eyes had rolled up. The doctor said, 'Sweet girl, you can see yourself'. I wanted to give her blood. The doctor said, 'You? You look like a consumptive.' I was in with her for twenty hours. I didn't want her to get stranger's blood. In the end, she got stranger's blood, and she's still bearing the consequences. She has liver problems, which she got from the stranger's blood. It was really hard for me to save her. I took her home, and I started crying, my husband consoled me. Don't cry, we'll have another child. Then seven years later, Gyurka [from Gyorgy - George] was born.

Zsuzsi only has her high school diploma, and two years in the conservatory. Plus she finished a librarian course.

In fall of 1956, Pali, my husband's cousin and I took our daughters to ballet [classes]. The girls were about ten or eleven, they were really good friends. The children danced, and we sat there and waited. All at once, we hear there's a big commotion. Across the street, there was a Stalin statue, it disappeared. [The Stalin statue on Dozsa Gyorgy street was pushed off it's pedestal on October 23, 1956, then it was dragged to Blaha Lujza square, and cut to pieces.] Pali says, oh-oh, let's go home, there's something really strange starting here. We grabbed the kids, they stopped the dance, and people scattered, everybody rushed home with their children. By the time we got home, there were a bunch of rascals in the tavern on the ground floor of our building. There was a rabble-rouser. He went into the tavern, and said, 'Whoever is Hungarian, is with us!' Oh-oh, I said, that's not a joke. Then later, when we were standing in line for bread, I heard them yelling, 'We're not afraid, just the Jews are afraid!' When they start selecting, 'us Hungarians aren't afraid, just the Jews are afraid', that's trouble.

I decided to submit our passports [submit the application for them], and we're going to America. My brothers were already living in America then. I wrote to my brothers, and they were very decent, they were helpful. They wrote that they're arranging things and maybe they can do something. Of course, it couldn't happen so fast, because it wasn't just us and my relatives applying. Very many Jews emigrated then. Things went really slowly. Then I spoke to my brothers on the telephone, I went over to Pali's house, and we talked from there. My little brother asked: Do you want to come? I said I really did.

He arranged it, sent the money, but we couldn't defect, because they caught us on the border. My son was three years old, I carried him on my back, he slept the whole way. He woke up on the border, and started screaming. My husband's brother came too, with two kids who were born after the war, they also came back. They were let out in 1957, because my brother-in-law wasn't obligated for military duty. My husband was, he was a soldier. Everybody [in the family] got out, who wanted to go. At least four or five from the family left, we couldn't leave. And my husband didn't really want to. But if his brother left, he would have gone, but it was already too late. So we were left behind. Yet, we were in the best position, the money was in our hands.

Then we became really lonely. We didn't want to leave illegally, and we applied for passports. They didn't give us passports, because my husband was obligated to military service. They let his brother out because he was never a soldier, he had weak eyes. So he left with his family easily. Though he wouldn't have gone, because his son would have stayed alive. His oldest boy was twenty-one when he died a hero's death in Israel. Then his father went after him, his heart couldn't stand it. He went to work, then died.

We were lonely, but we had very good neighbors and very good friends. Not just the Auschwitz ones, I made friends. I was very clever about making friends. I can tell from first sight if you can talk to this person. And then, if I hear a good word, that's enough for me. But if people look at you with disgust, or make comments, that's what I can't stand.

I had a lot, also. I had lot a in Pilisszentlaszlo for thirty years. That was the main vacation. I got a larger sum because of my parents deportation, and my brothers also sent their parts, and in 1969 I bought a lot for 12,000 forints. There was a piece of forest, it was a marvelously pretty place. Then the lots were cheaper, I bought it through OTP [National Savings Bank]. Then I bought a little wooden cottage for it. Likewise, for 12,000 forints, and ran in electricity, that already cost a lot more, but not right away, we got electricity ten or fifteen years later. It was something like 40,000 forints altogether, but I saved a lot, because I wanted it to be habitable. It was one space. Then I cleverly furnished it. We had furniture made from the left over wood, and sometimes there were four of us there. There were two beds, if Zsuzsa and her family came with, they slept on mattresses. We all fit inside. Once, my grandson and his father slept outside in a tent. They were nice summers. Modest, but it was great for me. The shower for example was out in the garden, because only a basin fit inside the room. We filled the basin from the shower, stuck it out in the garden, and the sun warmed it up. Later we ran water pipes in there, too.

I worked diligently, and if I got some extra money, then I didn't take it home, I put in savings, so that it would be good for something. That's how I got together the nice little Pilis [house].

My husband also went out to Pilis. We divorced, but not according to Jewish rites, just officially. We lived separately like this for forty years. But he ate at the same table as us. He lived his life here. He had a girlfriend, he went there at night. In our old age especially, we were fine, it didn't matter that we were living separately, because he was always at home. Then, last year, the poor man died at the age of eighty- eight. I was very sorry, and I miss him a lot. It makes no difference, we did live fifty-eight years together. Through good and bad. It would be good if he were still alive.

In 1973, Zsuzsi got married, they divorced a few years ago. She finished a gardening technical [school], but she really loves music. She sang in various choruses for a long time, and even went to the conservatory. My son is a journalist. He graduated from a printing school, worked as a printer, at the Zrinyi Publishers, no less, before he became a journalist - he finished Law School. He got married, then divorced. They're really good kids.

I've got osteoporosis, and I'm always scared I might break something somewhere and it won't heal up. And I see that I haven't got any strength. My grandson is very strong, he always takes my arm. He's a very generous, very decent child. He's my daughter's boy, Gabor. He was born in 1977, I retired in 1978 and I raised him. His mother was often sick, and never at home.

Gabor was twelve years old when I told him that he's Jewish. His father is Christian, his mother Jewish. You know, you're Jewish after your mother. 'I'm not Jewish', he said, 'I'm not anything!'. And he shrugged his shoulders. He was insulted that I told him that he was Jewish. It turned out why he denied it so. He was still little, going to elementary school, the kids Jew-bashed each other. He also jew-bashed. 'You're a Jew!, You're a Jew!'. He told me this later, that that's why he was so upset. After that the child went away to vacation at Szarvas [summer Jewish youth camp], in that Jewish social group. He really liked it. They did sports, swam, were free, there was good food, so it was good. He came home, he said how great he felt there, they learned a lot, swam around, and they said, they should sign-up if they want to go to Israel, to get to know Israel. I asked him, do you want to go? I'd really like to go, but I haven't got any money. I said, then I'll give you money. Go on! He went, and fell in love with Israel. Letters came. It's a wonderful country, how pretty. Everything's beautiful, everybody's nice, everybody's good, he found his place. When he came home, he started telling me about it. He has to learn the language, he has to go again because everybody was so friendly. Okay, sonny, if you want to go, arrange it. It wasn't expensive, so he went. He was there for two and a half years. He learned to read and write Hebrew. When he was gone for a half year, already the letters were coming, how great it is, we should come, too. I always wanted to live in Israel. I thought, I'll go too, I get my pension, I'll be fine. My daughter and I both went, and we rented an apartment.

I was in Israel until 1998 with my grandson, a half year, but I was already ill. And the doctor was far away, I couldn't even speak to him, because he was Russian. I had to go to the doctor's everyday, I didn't understand him, he didn't understand me. Then I thought, I'll come home to get myself healthy. I remained here nicely. I was in the hospital a lot in the last ten years. Nearly regularly, they took me into the hospital. I have a kind of sickness where I'm ill a lot since the stroke, and occasionally I get fits, and then they take me in. Then the kids also came home.

My daughter is in her fifty-eighth year. She retired, she gets a disability pension. My son is fifty years old. He always says I'm living until I'm a hundred and twenty. I asked, how many friends of yours have grandparents? Not a one. Now, see. I'm now already the last - plus Kati - of those I was in Auschwitz with. Kati is two years younger than me. But she's had it bad, because both her sibblings died.

The good Lord [sic] let my brothers through the war, and they didn't believe in anything. An that's how they raised there children, and yet their children became religious. One of them is constantly praying in Israel. The other is equally religious, lives in New York, has very pretty children.

Up to now unfortunately or thank god, people have gotten all mixed together, so already the Jew is mixed with the Christian. My daughter also married a Christian boy. But they never talk about it, that you're Jewish or you're Christian. They get along well, so much so, that my grandson is practicing the Jewish religion. I'm very glad that he's saving something from Judaism. Because I'm just half Jewish. I keep the traditions, but I don't go much of anywhere. But I'm pleased that the temple is full, that they don't forget the religion. My daughter's generation was really left out of these things. The young people, it seems to me as if they're returning to God again and again. My children mostly concern themselves with Judaism for my sake. If there's some program then maybe they go, but they don't feel what's Judaism and what's religion.

On Friday night, I light the candle, I have a kind of candelabra, and then I remember at least those ancestors that are already gone. I can't do more. I wasn't properly religious either. I don't know what the religion is. I believe in God, but I'm not religious. I light the chandelier - not a candle, a chandelier - every week, for the memory of my parents. I keep the holidays, the customs, all those kinds of things which my mother kept.

To tell you the truth, the political changes [in 1989]15 didn't shake me yet, nor delight me. I was already ill, I was old, and I hoped that it will be better than it was, better for the children than it was.

It doesn't make a difference which [political] system there is, just let people live, that's why they were born, so they can live. Well, let them live. And the poor people want to live, also. Let there be food for them everyday, and shoes on their feet. I know what poverty is. There were poor people in my time who had a lot of children and they had one pair of shoes. There were three or four kids, and they took turns going to school in them. They bought one big pair of shoes, that fit everybody, and then you go to school in them today, tomorrow you go in them, etc. That's the truth, because I lived with them. But that was after the war, the consequences of it. Things hadn't gotten back in place, yet. Nowadays they don't do things right. When everybody's got food, then people can start collecting, as much as they want, they won't take it with them to their graves anyway.

Glossary

1 Forced Labor

Under the 1939 II. Law 230, those deemed unfit for military service were required to complete 'public interest work service'. After the implementation of the second anti-Jewish law within the military, the military arranged 'special work battalions' for those Jews, who were not called up for armed service. With the entry into northern Transylvania (August 1940), those of Jewish origin who had begun, and were now finishing, their military service were directed to the work battalions. The 2870/1941 HM order unified the arrangement, saying that the Jews are to fulfill military obligations in the support units of the national guard. In the summer of 1942, thousands of Jews were recruited to labor battalions with the Hungarian troops going to the Soviet front. Some 50,000 in labor battalions went with the Second Hungarian Army to the Eastern Front - of these, only 6-7000 returned.

2 Military in the Austro-Hungarian Empire

From the Compromise of 1867, the armies of the Empire (Kaiser und Kundlich Armee - the Imperial And Royal Army), were subordinated to the common Minstry of War. The two parts of the country had separate armies: Austria had the Landwehr (Imperial Army) and Hungary had the National Guard (Hungarian Royal National Guard). Many political conflicts arose during this period of 'dualism', concerning mutual payment and control of these armies, even to the degree that officers were required to command in the language of the majority of his troops.

3 Subcarpathia (also known as Ruthenia, Zakarpatie)

Region situated on the border of the Carpathian Mountains with the Middle Danube lowland. The regional capitals are Uzhhorod, Berehovo, Mukachevo, Khust. It belonged to the Austro-Hungarian Monarchy until World War I; and the Saint-Germain convention declared its annexation to Czechoslovakia in 1919. It is impossible to give exact historical statistics of the language and ethnic groups living in this geographical unit: the largest groups in the interwar period were Hungarians, Rusyns, Russians, Ukrainians, Czech and Slovaks. In addition there was also a considerable Jewish and Gypsy population. In accordance with the first Vienna Decision of 1938, the area of Subcarpathia mainly inhabited by Hungarians was ceded to Hungary. The rest of the region was proclaimed a new state called Carpathian Ukraine in 1939, with Khust as its capital, but it only existed for four and a half months, and was occupied by Hungary in March 1939. Subcarpathia was taken over by Soviet troops and local guerrillas in 1944. In 1945, Czechoslovakia ceded the area to the USSR and it gained the name Carpatho-Ukraine. The region became part of the Ukrainian Soviet Socialist Republic in 1945. When Ukraine became independent in 1991, the region became an administrative region under the name of Transcarpathia.

4 Neolog Jewry

Following a Congress in 1868/69 in Budapest, where the Jewish community was meant to discuss several issues on which the opinion of the traditionalists and the modernizers differed and which aimed at uniting Hungarian Jews, Hungarian Jewry was officially split into two (later three) communities, which all created their own national community network. The Neologs were the modernizers, and they opposed the Orthodox on various questions.

5 Orthodox Communities

The traditionalist Jewish communities founded their own Orthodox organizations after the Universal Meeting in 1868-1869. They organized their life according to Judaist principles and opposed to assimilative aspirations. The community leaders were the rabbis. The statute of their communities was sanctioned by the king in 1871. In the western part of Hungary the communities of the German and Slovakian immigrants' descendants were formed according to the Western Orthodox principles. At the same time in the East, among the Jews of Galician origins the 'eastern' type of Orthodoxy was formed; there the Hassidism prevailed. In time the Western Orthodoxy also spread over to the eastern part of Hungary. 294 Orthodox mother-communities and 1,001 subsidiary communities were registered all over Hungary, mainly in Transylvania and in the north-eastern part of the country, in 1896. In 1930 30.4 % of Hungarian Jews belonged to 136 mother-communities and 300 subsidiary communities. This number increased to 535 Orthodox communities in 1944, including 242,059 believers (46 %).

6 First Vienna Decision

On November 2, 1938 a German-Italian international committee in Vienna obliged Czechoslovakia to surrender much of the southern Slovakian territories that were inhabited mainly by Hungarians. The cities of Kassa (Kosice), Komarom (Komarno), Ersekujvar (Nove Zamky), Ungvar (Uzhorod) and Munkacs (Mukacevo), all in all 11,927 square kilometer of land, and a population of 1.6 million people became part of Hungary. According to the Hungarian census in 1941 84 percent of the people in the annexed lands were Hungarian-speaking.

7 Jewish laws in Hungary

The first of these anti-Jewish laws was passed in 1938, restricting the number of Jews in liberal professions, administration, and in commercial and industrial enterprises to 20 percent. The second anti-Jewish law, passed in 1939, defined the term "Jew" on racial grounds, and came to include some 100,000 Christians (apostates or their children). It also reduced the number of Jews in economic activity, fixing it at 6 percent. Jews were not allowed to be editors, chief-editors, theater-directors, artistic leaders or stage directors. The Numerus Clausus was introduced again, prohibiting Jews from public jobs and restricting their political rights. As a result of these laws, 250,000 Hungarian Jews were locked out of their sources of livelihood. The third anti-Jewish law, passed in 1941, defined the term "Jew" on more radical racial principles. Based on the Nuremberg laws, it prohibited inter-racial marriage. In 1941, the Anti-Jewish Laws were extended to North-Transylvania. A year later, the Israelite religion was deleted from the official religions subsidized by the state. After the German occupation in 1944, a series of decrees was passed: all Jews were required to relinquish any telephone or radio in their possession to the authorities; all Jews were required to wear a yellow star; and non-Jews could not be employed in Jewish households. From April 1944 Jewish property was confiscated, Jews were barred from all intellectual jobs and employment by any financial institutions, and Jewish shops were closed down.

8 Theresienstadt

A ghetto in the Czech Republic, run by the SS. Jews were transferred from there to various extermination camps. The Nazis, who presented Theresienstadt as a 'model Jewish settlement', used it to camouflage the extermination of European Jews. Czech gendarmes served as ghetto guards, and with their help the Jews were able to maintain contact with the outside world. Although education was prohibited, regular classes were held, clandestinely. Thanks to the large number of artists, writers, and scholars in the ghetto, there was an intensive program of cultural activities. At the end of 1943, when word spread of what was happening in the Nazi camps, the Germans decided to allow an International Red Cross investigation committee to visit Theresienstadt. In preparation, more prisoners were deported to Auschwitz, in order to reduce congestion in the ghetto. Dummy stores, a café, a bank, kindergartens, a school, and flower gardens were put up to deceive the committee.

9 1956

Refers to the Revolution, which started on October 23, 1956 against Soviet rule and the communists in Hungary. It was started by student and worker demonstrations in Budapest and began with the destruction of Stalin's gigantic statue. Moderate communist leader Imre Nagy was appointed as prime minister and he promised reform and democratization. The Soviet Union withdrew its troops which had been stationed in Hungary since the end of World War II, but they returned after Nagy's declaration that Hungary would pull out of the Warsaw Pact to pursue a policy of neutrality. The Soviet army put an end to the uprising on the November 4, and mass repression and arrests began. About 200,000 Hungarians fled from the country. Nagy and a number of his supporters were executed. Until 1989 and the fall of the communist regime, the Revolution of 1956 was officially considered a counter-revolution.

10 Plight of Budapest Jews

The majority of Jews living in Budapest fled. By December 5, 1944, those remaining were required to move into the ghetto created then - some 75,000 people were gathered there, by its liberation on January 18, nearly 5000 people died in the ghetto, others had gone into hiding, or occasionally succeeded in getting into a 'protected' house, although that did not always prove to be a guarantee of escape. By the time Budapest was liberated, many thousands of people were dragged off to forced labor, driven in death marches to Austria, herded into concentration camps or were killed by the Arrow Cross. Despite this, there wasn't time for deportations of the scale and organization that rural Jews suffered from May of 1944 in smaller town ghettos.

11 Arrow Cross Party

The most extreme of the Hungarian fascist movements in the mid-1930s. The party consisted of several groups, though the name is now commonly associated with the faction organized by Ferenc Szalasi and Kalman Hubay in 1938. Following the Nazi pattern, the party promised not only the establishment of a fascist-type system including social reforms, but also the 'solution of the Jewish question'. The party's uniform consisted of a green shirt and a badge with a set of crossed arrows, a Hungarian version of the swastika, on it. On 15th October 1944, when Governor Horthy announced Hungary's withdrawal from the war, the Arrow Cross seized power with military help from the Germans. The Arrow Cross government ordered general mobilization and enforced a regime of terror which, though directed chiefly against the Jews, also inflicted heavy suffering on the Hungarians. It was responsible for the deportation and death of tens of thousands of Jews. After the Soviet army liberated the whole of Hungary by early April 1945, Szalasi and his Arrow Cross ministers were brought to trial and executed.

12 Constable

A member of the Hungarian Royal Constabulary, responsible for keeping order in rural areas, this was a militarily organized national police, subordinated to both, the Ministry of the Interior and the Ministry of Defence. The body was created in 1881 to replace the previously eliminated county and estate gendarmarie (pandours), with the legal authority to insure the security of cities. Constabularies were deployed at every county seat and mining area. The municipal cities generally had their own law enforcement bodies - the police. The constables had the right to cross into police jurisdiction during the course of special investigations. Preservatory governing structure didn't conform (the outmoded principles working in the strict hierarchy) to the social and economic changes happening in the country. Conflicts with working-class and agrarian movements, and national organisations turned more and more into outright bloody transgressions. Residents only saw the constabulary as an apparatus for consolidation of conservative power. After putting down the Hungarian Soviet Republic, the Christian establishment in the formidable and anti- Semitically biased forces came across a coercive force able to check the growing social movements caused by the unresolved land question. Aside from this, at the time of elections - since villages had public voting - they actively took steps against the opposition candidates and supporters. In 1944, the Constabulary directed the collection of rural Jews into ghettos and their deportation. After the suspension of deportations (June 6, 1944), the arrow cross sympathetic interior apparatus Constabulary forces were called to Budapest to attempt a coup. The body was disbanded in 1945, and the new democratic police took over.

13 Joint (American Jewish Joint Distribution Committee)

The Joint was formed in 1914 with the fusion of three American Jewish committees of assistance, which were alarmed by the suffering of Jews during WWI. In late 1944, the Joint entered Europe's liberated areas and organized a massive relief operation. It provided food for Jewish survivors all over Europe, it supplied clothing, books and school supplies for children. It supported cultural amenities and brought religious supplies for the Jewish communities. The Joint also operated DP camps, in which it organized retraining programs to help people learn trades that would enable them to earn a living, while its cultural and religious activities helped re- establish Jewish life. The Joint was also closely involved in helping Jews to emigrate from Europe and from Muslim countries. The Joint was expelled from East Central Europe for decades during the Cold War and it has only come back to many of these countries after the fall of communism. Today the Joint provides social welfare programs for elderly Holocaust survivors and encourages Jewish renewal and communal development.

14 Share-renting

One of the ideosyncrasies of housing after the war (based on the Soviet model) where numbers of families were placed together in the larger apartments (of those owners killed, deported or interned abroad in the war). Each family was given one bedroom, while the kitchen and other rooms were used commonly. Sometimes, the original owner had families placed in their homes on the grounds that they weren't 'entitled' to such a large apartment. Other times, owners 'took in' share renters of their choosing before the council sent strangers into their homes.

15 1989 Political changes

A description, rather than name for the surprising events following the summer of 1989, when Hungarian border guards began allowing East German families vacationing in Hungary to cross into Austria, and escape to the West. After the symbolic reburial of Imre Nagy, the Hungarian parliament quietly announced its rejection of communism and transformation to a social democracy. The confused internal struggle among Soviet satellite nations which ensued, eventually led to the fall of the Berlin Wall, and the reorganization of Eastern Europe. The Soviets peacefully withdrew their military in 1990.

Esfir Dener

Esfir Dener
Kishinev
Moldova
Interviewer: Natalia Fomina
Date of interview: March 2004

Esfir Borisovna is a short lady with a girl's figure and small aristocratic hands. She has a young slightly hoarse voice. One can tell that she has great inner strength and vital optimism. Her one-bedroom apartment, a little neglected, has seen better times: there is a light-colored parquet floor, and convenient built-in closet cabinets in the hallway. There is a couch, a low table and two armchairs in her room. There is a small pastel carpet square on one wall and a portrait of American writer Ernest Hemingway and a few landscapes on the other. There is a bookcase in the corner where a few shelves contain volumes of poetry. Esfir Borisovna has poor sight. During our conversation she slightly bent forward to meet my glance. She elegantly served tea and some modest treats on the low table. In the course of our conversation Esfir asked me to turn off the tape recorder a few times. She recited poems in these moments, with deep feeling, artistically and with a well-balanced voice. When talking she threw in phrases in Yiddish, German and Romanian. 

My family background
Growing up
During the War
Post-war
Glossary

My family background

My maternal grandmother Esfir Gutman, nee Moldaver, lived in the town of Yedintsy in the north of Bessarabia 1. My grandmother died before I was born and I was named after her. I knew my grandfather Haim Gutman. When I was small I sometimes spent a couple of weeks in summer with him. I'm not sure what my grandfather did for a living. Most likely, he dealt in some kind of trade. I remember that there was a vegetable garden and a garden near my grandfather's house and he kept a cow. Probably one of his children was living with my grandfather at the time. I don't remember when he died. I think it must have happened in the early 1930s. 

My grandfather and grandmother had five children. I vaguely remember my mother's sisters Ita and Dora. They didn't have any education and were housewives. From what my mother told me I know that her brother Henrich finished the Medical Faculty of Prague University and worked as a doctor, but not in Yedintsy. The second brother, Zicia, was a pharmacist. I went back to Moldova in 1965 and made inquiries about my relatives. They all perished during the war [World War II]. 

My grandmother Esfir's brother Iosif Moldaver from Falesti raised my mother and I believed him to be my grandfather. Grandfather Iosif and his wife Sarah lost their only son. He contracted scarlet fever at school during an epidemic in 1895 and died. Sarah could have no more children and thus my grandfather Iosif adopted his sister Esfir's younger daughter Pesia, my future mother, who was three years old then. Actually, he took her into their house for about three weeks hoping that the little girl would mitigate their pain from the loss of their son, and then she stayed on with them in Falesti. They adored her and cared a lot for her. They didn't even send her to school and she had classes with visiting teachers at home. When it was time for her to go to grammar school, my mother continued her studies at home and passed all exams at Odessa Russian grammar school as an external student. She sang beautifully, played the piano and was great at embroidery. My mother got married at the age of 18. 

All I know about my paternal grandmother and grandfather is that my grandfather's name was Shymon Dener and my grandmother's name was Sarah. I think they died before the Russian Revolution of 1917 2 since my sister Sarah, born in 1918, was named after my paternal grandmother. They came from Kishinev. My father's older brother Yakov Dener lived in the Deners' family mansion in Kishinev sharing it with some other relatives. There were 13 tenants in the mansion. My uncle Yakov had four children: his daughters Etia, Maria and Viktoria and his son Semyon. Uncle Yakov was much older than my father since his younger daughter Viktoria was about 20 years older than me. My father also had two sisters, who moved to Argentina in the early 20th century, and the third sister lived in Koenigsberg in Germany, presently Kaliningrad. I know nothing about their fates. 

My father was born in Kishinev in 1884. I never asked him about his education, but it's evident that he finished a grammar school. He spoke fluent Russian, Romanian and German. He also had some professional education since he worked at the affiliate of the Bessarabian Bank in Falesti. He was a manager or chief accountant there. He married my mother, when she was 18. I have no doubts that they had their wedding ceremony under a chuppah because my step-grandfather was very religious. After the wedding they settled down in Grandfather Iosif's house in Falesti. My grandfather built an annex with four rooms, a kitchen and back rooms to his house. It was actually an adjoining house. Besides, he gave his adoptive daughter a nice dowry: clothing, bed sheets, crockery, etc. I know that my father's sisters from Argentina and the one from Koenigsberg came to the wedding and brought the newly-weds nice wedding gifts: furniture and a grand piano. 

Growing up

My parents' first son, my brother Yuzef, who was called Yuzik at home, was born in 1913; five years later my sister Sarah followed. I was born in December 1925 in Falesti where I lived for almost 16 years. Falesti is a small town about 28 kilometers from Beltsy. I think there were about 2-3,000 residents at the time. There were a few streets in the town and all houses were one-storied buildings. The main street was paved with cobble-stones. There were two synagogues on the main street. The one, where my grandfather and parents went, was located across the street from our home in the very center of town, and the other one was farther from the center. There were Jewish-owned stores on the main street: Pergament owned a shoe store and Berezin owned a haberdashery store; there were two big food stores, one owned by Isaac Barak where he worked with his wife and a clerk, and the other one owned by Dorfman. The most popular dressmaker Rozhanskiy lived and owned a store on the main street. My mother and sister Sarah had Rozhanskiy make their clothes and when I grew older he also began to make clothes for me. The shops were closed on Saturdays. 

Jews mainly lived in the center. There were a few Moldovan families who had their houses in close vicinity to the church, near the school for boys, but the majority of them lived in the suburbs. The suburbs of Falesti reminded you of these picturesque Moldovan villages buried in verdure. There was a market on Thursdays and Sundays where Moldovan farmers sold their vegetables, food products and poultry. There was a tavern on the main street where they could enjoy a lunch and a drink after their products were sold. There was a railway station three kilometers from town. People usually got there by horse-drawn phaetons; there was no other transportation in Falesti at the time. When I was small we came to this station several times to take a train to Yedintsy to visit my mother's relatives. 

Our house was in the very center of town between a tavern and a pharmacy. It was a big white mansion with a tin roof. There were flower gardens on both sides of the house. We also had a wooden terrace. There were four rooms in our part of the house. There was a grand piano and two living room sets in our living room. One set was ebony wood with green plush upholstery and the other set was mahogany wood with pink rep upholstery. My father's sisters from Argentina gave them to my parents for their wedding. Each consisted of a low oval table, two armchairs and two settees. There was a record player with a big tube on a marble table and a big mirror in a bronze frame on the wall. There was also a violin on the wall. My brother was a violinist. The grand piano occupied one third of the living room and there wasn't much space left. Our dining room was big – 36 square meters. When we had guests or celebrations on Jewish holidays we unfolded the table, which could seat 24 people. Another table was brought in, if we had more guests. There was a nice bedroom set and two big wardrobes in my parents' bedroom. 

We had a small children's room with two beds for Sarah and me, and a couch for Yuzef. There was also a wardrobe and a chest of drawers in our room. When my brother turned 18, he moved into the dining room. My brother was 12 years older than me. He left home to study at a grammar school in Beltsy and then he studied in the conservatory in Bucharest. Then Sarah went to the Jewish grammar school in Beltsy and they only spent their vacations or holidays at home, so I had the children's room at my disposal.

My mother took care of the house and had a housemaid to help her around. Our housemaids were girls or women from nearby villages. My mother did the minor laundry herself and had a woman coming in to wash the bed sheets every three months. My mother did the cooking herself since she strictly followed the kashrut. She bought dairy products and poultry at the market and also shopped at stores. Of course, she bought live chickens and had them slaughtered by a shochet. We never mixed dairy and meat products and had special crockery for dairy and meat products. My mother made menus for each day, so that we had dairy products – for example, soup with milk or pancakes with cottage cheese - one day and meat dishes on the next: meat with prunes and chicken soup with farfelakh. My mother went to the synagogue on all Jewish holidays. 

My father was of average height, very dignified, with an upturned moustache, and a pince-nez with a golden rim. He worked at the affiliate of the Bessarabian Bank on the main street not far from our house. He also managed two big grain storage facilities at the railway station. This grain was purchased in the surrounding villages and shipped in freight railcars from the station. My father probably inherited those storage facilities from my grandfather Iosif, who no longer did any business at the time. I remember that other people called my father ‘the banker' for his management of the Jewish community mutual aid fund. My father was a well-respected man in town. 

My father was a member of the Jewish Arbitrary Court [bet din] where Jews brought forward their problems and disputes. They addressed my father and each party sent its representative. I already knew that when my father ushered new people to the living room and looked at me strictly, it meant that I had to go to my room. In the 1990s I read in an article by a Jewish historian from Kishinev that my father had been engaged in politics in the early 1930s. He was one of the founders and later the leaders of the Romanian Jewish Party. In 1933 this Party had its own list for participation in the parliamentary elections. My father was the third on this list and lacked only a few votes to become a deputy of the Romanian Parliament. My father was a man of the world, but he went to the synagogue on Jewish holidays.

My grandfather Iosif Moldaver was the dearest person to me. He was very smart. In my long life I've never met another person of such wisdom, that's right – wisdom. Since I was the youngest in the family, and seemed to be slightly ignored – at least many things were forbidden for me whereas my older brother and sister were allowed everything – I brought my ‘world-weariness' to my grandfather Iosif. He put me on his knees and had long discussions with me in Yiddish as if I was an adult. My grandfather was tall and broad-shouldered and had a big white beard. He always wore a long black kitel, a white shirt, a narrow black tie and a yarmulka. He prayed every day with his tallit and tefillin on. He went to the synagogue every day. As for my grandmother Sarah, I can hardly remember her: she was very nice and quiet and always wore dark clothes. 

I remember one incident. There were two Romanian elementary schools in Falesti: one for boys and one for girls. There I began to study Romanian. In our family my parents spoke Yiddish and Russian, but I only knew Yiddish in my childhood. When I was in the 1st grade, we had a small morning party dedicated to the start of the academic year where school children danced, sang and recited poems wearing Moldovan folk costumes. I was to recite a fable by Anton Pann [Romanian poet and ethnographer, singer and author of music textbooks] in Romanian. 

My mother made me a gorgeous costume; it was the best one at school. The moment I entered the school building my teacher grabbed me and Annushka, a local rich man's daughter, and literally dragged us into an empty classroom where she ordered us, ‘Get undressed!', ripping off my belt, blouse, skirt and my decorative vest. She gave it to Annushka to put on and took her on-stage where she was to sing. I was standing there in my undershirt and didn't understand what was going on. When Annushka came back, my teacher haphazardly helped me to put my clothes back on since it was time for me to go on-stage. The moment I stepped on-stage my ribbons went loose and I knew I was looking ridiculous. I was so confused that I forgot my words, burst into tears and ran off stage. When I came home my mother already knew what had happened. Somebody must have told her. She was furious, but in our family there was a rule to say no bad things about other people, so when I complained to her all she said was, ‘It's all right, it'll be better next time'. I felt even more hurt and went to my grandfather to get some sympathy. 

My grandfather put me on his knees and said, ‘Don't be angry with the teacher. She wanted Annushka to look good and your costume looked better than hers. Let me teach you a thing about life, but you must give me your word that your mother, father, grandmother or your best friend will never know what we are talking about now'. I firmly gave him my word and my grandfather said, ‘From now on you'll be aware of everything happening at school, you will know everything your teacher tells you to learn. Do you know the ‘Tatal Nostru'? [Our Father in Romanian, he is referring to the Lord's Prayer]. I said, ‘Who doesn't? Our classes at school start with ‘Our Father' every morning'. He asked, ‘What if I woke you up in the middle of the night and said Fira [affectionate for Esfir], recite Our Father – would you?' ‘Of course', I replied. And he said, ‘Then, if you had known this fable as well as Our Father, you would have recited it so brilliantly regardless of problems with your ribbons that nobody would have ever noticed your ribbons. You must know everything for ‘10'. We had a 10-point system at school. And he concluded, ‘At the end of this academic year I will come to your school and we shall see who will have the laurel wreath on his head'. The first school girls were awarded laurel wreaths. 

Of course, at the end of the year I had a laurel wreath on my head. At that time the ‘Dimineata copiilor' [Children's Morning in Romanian] magazine was published. Between 1st June and 1st September there were supplements of four sheets in this magazine containing photographs of the children of all elementary schools in Romania who had received awards, with their first and last names, the name of the school and the town indicated in captions. Of course, my name was in this magazine each year. When I received my award for the first time, my grandfather talked to me seriously again, ‘You've received your award. Now listen to me. Do you remember the fire across the street from where we live? The people lost their home. Someone had his purse stolen and somebody was robbed in the street. Everything can happen in life, but what you insert here – and he pointed at my head – will stay with you for the rest of your life. Nobody will ever take it away from you, under no circumstances'. However, love makes people a little funny. When I finished the 2nd grade, they wrote ‘Ielena Dener' under my photograph instead of Esfir and my grandfather was so upset, just like a child. ‘How could they?' he hissed, and demanded that my father wrote an angry letter to the editor's office requesting refutation, but my father just said, ‘It's all right. When Fira receives her award next year, I will write to them in advance so that they don't make this mistake again'. 

My grandfather educated me unobtrusively and gradually. I remember, when my mother and father gave me Chanukkah money [Chanukkah gelt] at Chanukkah, my favorite holiday, I went to share this joy with my grandfather. My grandfather judged by my looks that I had some capital, put me on his knees and asked me what I was going to buy for the money that my parents had given me. I told him that I was going to buy candy and sweets in the confectionery store across the street from our house. My grandfather asked me, ‘Do you know that there are children who have no grandmother or grandfather or even mother or father? I said I did and he continued, ‘Who are these children? Orphans. Your grandmother and I will also give you some money. What are you going to buy for it?' And I stared at him again, not getting his point, and said, ‘Chocolate this and that… And he said, ‘Tell me, will you enjoy eating it knowing that there are children who have nothing at all?' At that I replied, ‘No, grandfather, don't give me money, give it to these children. But he replied, ‘No, you are my granddaughter and I must give it to you, but here is a box and you can put some money into it for these orphans so that they can buy some sweets. Then you will eat your candy, chocolates and cakes with a clear conscience'. And after that I remembered for the rest of Chanukah, when my parents were lighting another candle, that orphans also had their sweets. I still have an old chanukkiyah that somebody gave me recently. It reminds me of my happy childhood and my beloved grandfather. I light the candles every Chanukah now. 

We celebrated all Jewish holidays and Sabbath at home. Every Friday my mother lit two candles in silver candle stands. When I was in the first grade, somebody told me that Sabbath candles don't burn your fingers, if you move one of them over a candle to and fro. Well, what do you think – could I help experimenting? So I came home, waited till my mother lit the candles and went to the kitchen to move my finger over the candle. My grandfather caught me at this standing in the doorway watching me perplexed. I ran to him and said, ‘Grandfather, it's my fault, punish me! I know I mustn't do it, I didn't know you were looking! Punish me'. You know, I'm an old woman now, but I do remember what my grandfather said: ‘Don't be afraid if I see, fear that He sees.' 

On Sabbath my grandfather and grandmother usually visited us. They also celebrated all Jewish holidays with us. Before Pesach my mother and our housemaids did a general clean up of the house. They cleaned the carpets, changed the bed sheets and polished the furniture. My grandfather watched that all rules were being followed. I remember that he took us, kids, to the bank of the river where we turned our pockets inside out to shake off all crumbs. My grandfather explained to us that we were shaking off all sins. My mother took special holiday crockery from the cupboard and put away our everyday crockery. I remember this fancy crockery – dishes with pink edgings. In the evening we sat down at the festively set table. I remember candles burning and silver ware shining. We were dressed up and ceremonious. I cannot remember all the details, but I still remember the feeling I had at seder on Pesach. This was my family, my house and we were all Jews. My father conducted the seder. Yuzef asked him the four questions – fir kashes [in Yiddish]. I remember how we put away a piece of matzah [afikoman] and the one who found it received a gift. We stayed at the table till late and since I was used to going to bed at nine o'clock sharp I remember the last hours of seder as if in sleep. We ate matzah for a whole week. My mother made matzah, matzah puddings and matzah latkes. I liked chicken soup with matzah. 

I remember Simchat Torah: I was small, wore a red velvet dress with a white collar and went to the synagogue with my mother. I had a little flag on a stick with an apple on it. The apple was hollow inside and there was a little candle inside. I walked proudly with my nose up. In the synagogue we kissed the Torah. Then there was Sukkot and we made a sukkah in the yard. There were prefabricated planks for the sukkah that were kept in the house afterward. We had meals in the tent for a whole week. 

Purim was the merriest holiday. When my brother and sister, who also studied at the conservatory, arrived there were more festivities. Young people got together at our home, my sister played the piano and my brother played the violin. We sang and had lots of fun. They liked it when I sang to them. Now I know that I looked funny – a little girl singing love and tango songs in Romanian. However, I didn't study music like my older brother and sister did. My father supported them while they were studying but wasn't really happy about my sister and brother being in the conservatory. He wanted them to get legal education. Music was for the heart at that time; a musician couldn't support a family and my father used to tell Yuzef, ‘Are you Paganini or Mozart, what's this all about?' My father didn't allow me to sit at the piano. He said, ‘If I see you there, I will cut the piano into pieces. As soon as you put a doctor's or an attorney's diploma on the table, our own musicians will teach you music'. 

We had three bookcases in the dining room – we were all fond of reading. My sister never went to sleep before reading 20-30 pages. Then she said, ‘Goodnight', turned off the light and went to sleep. If it was a historical or adventure novel, she left it on the sideboard, but when she put a book under her pillow, I knew that it was a love story. A forbidden fruit is always sweet and I secretly looked up the author and the title of the book, and when my sister left for Bucharest, I looked for these books in Romanian. If we didn't have them at home, I went to the private library and asked for the book pretending it was for my mother. So, when I was 12-13, I read ‘The Pit' by Kuprin 3 and ‘Resurrection' by Tolstoy 4 in the Romanian translation. There was a wonderful book titled ‘Cocaine' by an Italian author that saved my life, I would say. Perhaps, it was a dime novel, but the author depicted the sufferings of cocaine addicts –addicts who had no money to buy drugs – so vividly, that it instilled fear and disgust of drugs in me for the rest of my life. I read all books in Romanian. In 1937 the Russian language was forbidden in Romania due to the termination of diplomatic relations between Russia [Soviet Union] and Romania. I grew fond of poetry and one of my favorite Romanian authors was Mihai Eminescu 5.

After Hitler came to power fascist movements expanded in Europe. There were Cuzists 6 in Romania. There were noted court proceedings against the Anti-Fascist Committee in 1936 in Kishinev. The head of this committee was Petru Constantinescu-Ias. He was a Romanian communist and the others were Jewish men – there were about seven of them. This was a resonant case and there were attorneys from France and England. My uncle Yakov's daughter, Etia Dener, was on trial. She was sentenced by the Romanian Military Tribunal. She was kept in the main political prison, Doftan, in Bucharest for several years. She had no family. Her fiancé turned her down with the words, ‘I need a wife and a mother for my children rather than a political activist. I want a family'. Etia's brother Semyon was also a member of this committee, but he managed to escape to France with his fiancée Sonia. Semyon was a chemical engineer. He worked at a military plant. When the Germans occupied France, they arrested him and he perished. His wife Sonia and their little son survived. After the war the French Communist Party funded his son's education. Uncle Yakov's daughter Maria got married and moved to Palestine in 1935. I don't know anything about her life. Uncle Yakov stayed with his daughter Viktoria. She finished the Medical Faculty of Prague University and married Israel Grinberg. Viktoria worked as a cardiologist. 

In 1937 I was in the 2nd grade of grammar school. There was only a four-year grammar school for boys and girls in Falesti. I had a friend whose name was Colman Akerman. He studied in the 3rd grade. Colman lived with his mother and sister Lusia. Their father had already died. Colman wanted to study with me and tried hard to fail at two exams and then he missed the following three exams. He had to stay in the 3rd grade for another year. When I asked him why he wanted to stay in the same grade for another year, he replied, ‘How else could I visit you at home? But now we are classmates'. He came to see me every day and always tried to surprise me. Once he brought a camera that his uncle from Iasi had given to him. He photographed me in the street and then he showed me where to look through and which button to press and I took a picture of him. When he brought the pictures, I put one picture in my notebook, carried it in my school uniform pocket and showed it to the other girls, saying, ‘I took this one myself!' 

My father was very strict and demanded that I behaved impeccably. I remember once our zoology teacher said that after having lunch at home we would go out of town to catch insects for the school insectariums. I was very thin and ate very little and my mother decided to take advantage of my being in a hurry to stuff me up. My classmates were waiting for me near the house. Colman whistled putting two fingers into his mouth. I ran to the window and shouted, ‘I'm coming!' That instant my father appeared in the dining room and asked, ‘Is this for you?' I replied, ‘Yes, I'm leaving'. He slapped me, the only time in my life, on my face and said, ‘Remember, a girl shall not be called from Boris Dener's house by whistles!' My mother snorted at him, ‘What's happened to you? It's not her fault.' But he remained strict: ‘I don't know whose fault it is. You must remember that she will get married and people remember bad things rather than good ones'. I remember my mother saying, ‘She isn't even 13 yet and you are talking about marriage.' ‘Time flies', he answered. However, assault wasn't really a common thing in our family, and later my father felt guilty for a long time and I took advantage of this as best I could. 

Colman was 14 and I was 13, when his 18-year-old cousin came to see him from Iasi. They came to visit me. He was sitting on the sofa in the dining room looking at us haughtily, regarding us as provincial small fry. Then he suggested that we played ‘American bets'. We had no idea what it was about and he explained, ‘If I ask you a question and you know the answer, you can ask me for anything I have and you can have it. But if you don't know the answer, you will do anything I tell you'. Then he turned to me: ‘Of course, the girl will go first'. I took it easy: what could he ask of me, if I didn't know the answer – to recite a poem or sing a song, maybe. He asked me a question about a boxer, whom I had not the slightest idea about. Then he said, ‘Well, here is what we will get', and he bent over and kissed me on the cheek. I was taken aback and jumped up. The worst thing was that Colman, my cavalier, burst into tears. That way I learned what a man's guile was about. Colman said, ‘I will tell your mother'. His cousin laughed and said with disdain, ‘What a kindergarten!' and left. I told Colman to leave: ‘Go away and never come back to me'. I was probably crying all day long. 

When Sarah came home, she invited her friends and they discussed their admirers and movies about love. It was popular to collect pictures of actors and actresses: Greta Garbo, Morris Chevalier, Marlene Dietrich… I listened to them chatting, dreaming about my first kiss. It was to happen in the evening, in a garden, with nightingales, and the moon. He would tell me of his eternal love and beg me for a kiss. And then I would allow him to kiss me on my cheek – and this would be my first kiss. But then, all of a sudden, a boy whom I didn't know happened to kiss me. Besides everything else, I lost it all: the bench, the moon, the nightingales and the cavalier speaking of his love to me. But above all, I was to blame for it, you know. 

About nine years later I met Colman's mother in Chernovtsy. She told me that Colman had perished near Smolensk in 1942. She said, ‘They say you have a picture of Colman?' I showed her the picture and she wanted a copy. I gave her the photograph and said that her son's breathing and fingertips were on it and that he had taken this photograph himself. She started crying, ‘I'm so sorry that you didn't become my daughter-in-law'. 

In 1939 my beloved Grandfather Iosif died. According to the Jewish tradition they wrapped his body in a takhrikhim burying his face in it and put it on the floor in his house. Then his body was taken to the synagogue and from there to the Jewish cemetery where my grandmother Sarah, who had passed away a short time before, was buried. I don't remember whether the relatives had their clothes ripped on the edges, but I remember clearly that we sat shivah for seven days. 

During the War

A year later, on 28th June 1940, the Soviet rule began in Bessarabia. My brother Yuzef and my sister Sarah happened to have stayed abroad in Romania and we didn't know anything about them. In August the new authorities took away our house and we lost our home. They considered the house too large for a family of three. We rented a room and a kitchen from two Moldovan sisters in their house in the suburbs of Falesti. I went to the 8th grade of a Russian school. I didn't know any Russian and had to study a lot, so my parents let me the room that was brighter and stayed in the kitchen. When my classmates began to join the Komsomol 7, I also applied to join, but there I got to know that I was a ‘socially hostile element' and that my father was a ‘bourgeois'. When I told my mother about it, she wanted to go to school to talk about it, but my father stopped her. He understood everything about the Soviet power already.

In 1941, on the night of 13th to 14th June, two officers wearing NKVD 8 uniforms and two witnesses came to our home. They woke us up, searched our lodging and told us, ‘You have 20 minutes to get ready and leave the place!' We were taken to the railway station. There was a train there and most of the wealthier families of Falesti, most of them Jews, but there were also Moldovans. It happened so that the train was at the dead-end spur for 24 hours. Pyotr, a Moldovan boy, who became orphaned and whom my father had helped to learn accountancy, came to see us. In the morning, when it became known that we were to be deported, Pyotr's grandmother cooked a chicken and sent her grandson to take it to us. My father gave Pyotr the key and sent him to pack some belongings. Pyotr took a tablecloth and packed whatever fell into his hands. When we arrived at our point of destination, the women joked, ‘We won't die of the heat in Siberia: Madam Dener has got two fans'. Pyotr had packed two ostrich feather fans and my mother's ball gown embroidered with beads. My mother sold them to the Pushkin Theater from Leningrad, which was in evacuation in Tomsk. 

Before we arrived in Tiraspol, they made lists of all men, heads of families, and on the night of 15th June they read out the list and the men were getting off the train. We never saw my father again. As we got to know later, all men were taken to a camp in Ivdel district, Sverdlovsk region. Our train went on and on our way we heard that Germany had attacked the USSR on 22nd June and that the war [Great Patriotic War] 9 had begun. We arrived in the town of Mogochin, Molchanov district, Tomsk region in Siberia. There they declared that we were sentenced to 25 years in exile. Mogochin was in the Siberian taiga, on the bank of the Ob River, which was over one kilometer wide in that location. The only way to Novosibirsk or Tomsk was along this river. We were accommodated in the houses of other exiled people from Ukraine and Russia deported in the 1930s during the time of the collectivization 10. They had big families and we could only share a room with the owners of the dwellings. My mother and I moved from one house to the next, till we got lucky. Here is what happened: According to comrade Stalin's order, if a member of an exiled person's family perished at the front, his family was released from exile. Our landlady Katia came to exile in her teens. Her young husband perished at the front and Katia and her baby son were released. Though she had lost her husband, she was happy to be released and left her apartment to us: there was a little room with a Russian stove 11 and a shed in the yard. My mother gave her a golden ring for it.

At first we worked in the kolkhoz 12 in Mogochin, but later we were sent to work at the saw-mill. Women carried loads of bricks for the construction of a shop and girls worked as loaders loading planks onto a barge. We were lined up by our height: one girl had to put a cushion on the left shoulder, another girl on the right shoulder, and they piled four-meter planks to the height of a stretched up hand onto us and we carried them up the ladder onto the barge. Every two hours our supervisor announced, ‘Smoke break!' and we could sit down for ten minutes and then we got back to work. We worked 12 hours a day. It was such hard, but probably equally necessary work, that we received 800 grams bread per day, which was the ration of an adult worker. Bread was the only food we got. We exchanged clothes for potatoes. Bread and potatoes was our main food. We were usually allowed to go home for lunch. Once, going back to work from lunch, I heard the Evening Serenade by Schubert on the radio at the check-in point, and I stood still there. I loved classical music, and my sister Sarah had often sung the Evening Serenade. The lunch break was almost over. The janitor, a tall fat woman, ran outside and dragged me to the work site. ‘Listen here', she warned me. 21 minutes late for work at that time meant one year in prison. 

I was 16 and was supposed to study in the 9th grade, but we weren't allowed to go to school: we didn't come there to go to school is what they thought. Our boys and girls there, Fenia Zilberman, Raya Berezina and Misha Bugaev, appointed me their delegate to the commandant because although I spoke poor Russian, I was the smartest. We came to the commandant and I decided to use his weapon: ‘What have we done wrong that they don't allow us to follow the covenant of Illich [Lenin]: Study, study and study? They don't allow us to go to school.' He didn't know what to say and took us to the director of the saw-mill. He left us in the reception room from where we could hear their discussion. The director was yelling, ‘These bourgeois children aren't here to study. There is a war and they are here to forge victory'. The commandant replied: ‘Does your daughter go to school? Does your chief engineer's son go to school? And those bourgeois children must forge victory for them, Komsomol members? They will go to school today!' He came out of the director's office saying, ‘Go to school now, but you must only have excellent marks – I will follow up!' His surname was Mukhamadiarov – he was a Tatar man. Of course, somebody reported on him and soon he left for somewhere else, we didn't know where.

We didn't have passports, but a piece of paper with name, first name and patronymic, year of birth and nationality on it. Every ten days our mothers went to the commandant's office to sign for us that we were there, since we were under age. In November 1941 my mother and I were called to the office. They told us that my father had died on 1st November 1941. I was standing by my mother and said in Yiddish, ‘a dank dem got' [Yiddish for Thank God]. The officer pricked up his ears: ‘What did she say?' My mother turned to stone; she just shook her head. ‘No, what did she say? What did she say?', the officer insisted. He thought it might have been something about ‘the father of the people' [Stalin]. ‘Nothing, it was Thank God that she said', my mother replied. But isn't she his own daughter?' the officer was wondering. My mother said, ‘Yes, she is'. He turned to me saying, ‘Why did you say this? And I replied, ‘Because he is no longer suffering'. He gave me a mean look and said, ‘You viper!' 

After finishing school I made a copy of my certificate and sent it to the Medical Colleges in Tomsk and Novosibirsk – my father wanted me to become a doctor. I got invitation letters from both colleges. I went to the commandant, he tore those letters into tiny pieces, threw them into a garbage bin and said, ‘No studies! In three days you will go to the timber cutting site!' I ran away on one of these three days. That September happened to be warm in Siberia, which was a rare thing. I had to sail down the Ob to Novosibirsk. It was impossible to take a boat sailing to the south – they were thoroughly inspected. I took a boat sailing north and at the next stop I changed onto a boat sailing to the south. My mother blessed me and gave me a golden pendant for the road. There was a Swiss clock inside. My mother wanted me to sell it to buy warm clothes in Novosibirsk. However, it was my poor luck. There was a search on the boat and a young NKVD officer took custody of me. He saw that I had no luggage and that my only document was my school certificate. He knew who I was. ‘Two hours from now I will take you to the commandant', he said. I looked at the clock: how many hours of life did I have left. I decided to jump into the river – the commandant would leave me to rot. The officer saw the clock and liked it. I took it off and put the chain and the pendant into his hand. He let me go. I got off in Novosibirsk wearing a light dress, summer shoes, having no money, but most importantly, having no passport. 

At the railway station I read an announcement about a course for medical nurses for the front. I went there. I said that I was in evacuation. A woman, a major of medical service, offered me to stay overnight in her apartment. It was her daughter's birthday. There were boiled potatoes, cabbage and pork fat, and spirits on the table. I was starved and ate the food, when all of a sudden I felt sick. The mistress of the house didn't understand what was wrong and I explained that we, Jews, didn't eat pork fat. She said, ‘But you, Jews, are so fanatic'. I stayed a few days with them and they were good to me. At that time the Novosibirsk Industrial College announced additional admission and they admitted me without even asking for my passport. They accommodated me in the hostel. 

A few days later I bumped into a man and a woman talking in Yiddish in a shop. I ran to them and asked, ‘Are you Jews?' The man was the producer of the Minsk Jewish Theater, which was evacuated to Novosibirsk. I told them about myself. This man, his name was Boris, helped me. His daughter Elvira was three years younger than me. He made a copy of her birth certificate and an artist of the theater, also a Jew, forged this certificate putting in my name and information. Then they made a copy of this copy at a notary office. At that time people often lost their documents in evacuation and notary offices made copies for them. I submitted this false copy of a copy to the militia office to obtain a passport. They told me to come back two hours later and I went to a nearby movie theater. There was a popular Soviet movie showing: ‘V shest chasov vechera posle voyni' [At six o'clock in the evening after the war]. I was sitting there with my eyes closed crying: in two hours they would either take me to prison or give me a passport. When I came back to the militia office, they gave me a passport. Do you understand what this man put at risk: he could have been sentenced to ten or more years, and he had a wife and two children! Through Boris I set up correspondence with my mother. In 1946 I received her last letter. Later Boris got to know that she had died. 

Post-war

In college I made friends with Dina Varshavskaya, also a Jewish girl. She evacuated from Belarus with her mother and twin brothers. Germans bombed their train on the way. Dina's mother and brothers perished. We lived in the hostel, had no clothes or shoes. Local girls lived at home and had at least some clothes. Then I heard that this hostel had vacancies for a cleaning girl and a linen keeper. Dina and I went to talk to the director of the hostel and were employed. We received a small wage and food cards. We sold some of the food that we got at the market to buy some clothes. Students could have meals at the canteen and we also did some work there cleaning the tables and had a bowl of soup or boiled cereals for doing so. During the war the best jobs were where there was food. We were young and Dina said every now and then, ‘Look, we never go out' and I comforted her, ‘Dina, we are young. Our cavaliers will wait for us'. I didn't know how short youth was. 

I was a last-year student, when I was called into the corridor. ‘Dener, your brother has come', they announced. I left the classroom and understood everything immediately - a military was waiting for me. He just said, ‘Let's go'. We went to an apartment. There was a man sitting at the desk. They began to threaten me with arrest, but then tempered justice with mercy and offered me to work for them secretly. Every Friday I was to submit reports on the talks and moods in my college. Under the threat of arrest I signed what they gave me to sign and went to Boris from there. ‘What do I do now?' Boris knew about the Soviet regime and NKVD rules. He calmed me down. He said I had to pretend that I industriously fulfilled the task of the organs. He asked, ‘There must be boys and girls in your college, who don't only kiss, but also have intimate relations?' I remembered that Lena and Lyosha were under 18 years of age, but were living together – it wasn't allowed to get married before turning 18. ‘This will work, it's ‘immoral' for the Soviet authorities and you will write about it.' Boris knew that this would do those folks no harm. ‘You will take this report to them on Friday and request a two-month leave to write a diploma. As soon as you receive your diploma, you must leave Novosibirsk before the morning of the following day'. They gave me a leave and after obtaining my diploma I disappeared. 

At the beginning I found shelter at Raya Berezina's place. She was my friend from Falesti and was exiled with her parents. She studied at Novosibirsk Medical College. How did she manage to do that? Her uncle Motl Berezin got to know that his brother and his family had been sent into exile. Motl had money. He went to the Ural and paid ransom for his brother. His guards pretended that he had escaped. Somehow, probably also for money, Motl managed to rescue Raya, her mother and brother. He bought Raya a passport for 3,000 rubles in Novosibirsk and Raya could go to study at Medical College. I stayed with Raya for two weeks while she was passing her summer exams. Then we went to Chernovtsy where her parents had already rented an apartment. I lived with them for some time and they were kind to me. 

Raya's father and her brother Aizik were working, Raya continued her studies at Chernovtsy Medical College and I was looking for a job. Raya introduced me to her friend Shura Liberman from Kharkov. He went to the front after finishing the 10th grade and after the war he entered Medical College. Three weeks later Shura wrote me a letter saying that he loved me and wanted to marry me, but I decided for myself that I wasn't going to ruin his life. He was a very nice person, he had been at the front and suffered so much. And I was an exile escapee and could be arrested any moment. I had a meeting in Chernovtsy once that I hate to recall, but since it had an impact on my future life, I need to tell you about it. One of my father's Jewish acquaintances from Falesti, who had often come to our house, bumped into me in Chernovtsy and offered me an apartment and provisions to visit me every now and then. I was hurt deep down in my heart. He also explained to me that I was a burden for the Berezins family and that they might have problems because of me. 

I left the Berezins and went to work as a rate setter at the reconstruction of the knitwear factory, ruined by German bombing. My boss Rostislav Ippolitovich Menchinskiy, a Polish man, was a wonderful person. He helped me to get a little room with a wood stoked stove in the hostel. There were 90 Hungarian and 200 German prisoners-of-war working at the reconstruction of the factory. They worked on one job site, but in different crews. They didn't communicate with each other. In the morning the foreman issued a task and I put down personal scopes of work. By the end of the day the foreman and I checked the laborers' day's work and calculated how much they had earned. For this amount we gave them bread. I hated the Germans, but my good manners didn't allow me not to greet them in the morning; my father would have turned in his grave. So, I came onto the site saying, ‘Good day today', just stating that it was a good day. I spoke Russian to the superintendent, but he replied in German knowing that I knew German. Once he asked me, ‘Fraulein Fira, do you think there is a God?' and I replied, ‘When I got to know what you were doing to the Jews in Europe, I said there is no God. But when you, fascists, receive bread from my Jewish hands, as much as I write you should have, I say: there is a God!' 

I had different, warmer relations with the Hungarians. Their superintendent was a very intelligent man, a former editor of one of the main newspapers in Bucharest. My superintendent used to tell my boss Menchinskiy that ‘Fira flirts with all the Hungarians'. One of them, a young boy of about 18 years of age, whose name was Gyula, was my interpreter. He spoke a little Russian. They called me Esztike, affectionate for Esther. I learned to say good morning in Hungarian: jo reggelt, and good day: jo napot. In the morning I greeted them in Hungarian and there was always a smile or a kind word for each of them. There were women selling milk at the entrance gate. Often Hungarians asked me to buy them milk and gave me money and pots. I enjoyed doing it and did it demonstratively so that the Germans could see it, of course! In 1947 the prisoners were released and about eight Hungarians wearing their uniforms without shoulder straps came to my office to bid me farewell. I was pleased. 

However, there was always fear throughout this time. I woke up at night in horror, afraid they would come for me! Once I met with Sarah Fooks, someone whom I knew from Falesti. She said, ‘They arrested Fenia Zilberman last night and Misha Bugaev the night before. You must change your surname'. I married Lyonia Korol, a Jew, who liked me. I married in order to change my name. He was a janitor at the factory. I obtained a passport with a different surname. Lyonia was a simple, uneducated guy, but I decided that if he happened to be a good man, I would try to help him with his studies. However, I didn't love him and asked him to give me two weeks to get used to him. He didn't listen to me and damaged our relations. I got pregnant. On 2nd April 1948 I gave birth to a seven-month premature boy and a stillborn girl – they were twins. I named the boy Boris after my father. He only lived for three months. 

Then I went to work at the shipyard in Nikolaev where I was an apprentice to an electric welder. I had no idea that this shipyard was a military site and that there was an NKVD department there. They finally dug out who I was and that I was on the all-Union search list. Nine months later they came to the hostel with a search crew. They took away my mother's last letter. I snatched it from the NKVD officer's hands and said, ‘This is my mother's last letter. She has died, and nobody but me is allowed to have this letter', but they took it away from me, anyway.

I was arrested and kept in the cell with criminals in Nikolaev prison. The investigation officer insisted that I wrote that I acknowledged myself guilty in my own handwriting. I said, ‘No'. He didn't let me sleep for three days. The warden was watching that I didn't close my eyes in my cell. The senior prisoner in my cell wasn't exactly my friend, but the investigation officer, whom they called ‘musor' [Russian for trash] was their enemy. And the enemy of my enemy simply had to be my friend. This senior prisoner sat on my plank bed and told three other women to sit before us, with their faces to the door where there was a big eyelet. She said, ‘Quiet! Put your head on my shoulder. Close your eyes, go to sleep'. She let me fall asleep that way a few times a day. I was 25 years old. I was young. When the officer realized that this ‘no sleep' idea didn't work, he sent me to a punishment cell for 15 days. I was staying in the damp cell for 15 days in winter. When they dragged me out of there I could only whisper. The officer thought I was cheating on him and took me to the prison hospital. 

The otolaryngologist examined me and said, ‘She won't talk for a long time. She has laryngitis, pharyngitis and tonsillitis'. I didn't know yet that I also sustained heart deficiency in this cell. I was waiting for the trial to tell this scoundrel of an officer everything I thought about him, but there was no trial. A warden took me to a room where there were four military men, one had a white robe on. Later I was told that they were prosecutor, chief of prison, military doctor and somebody else. They read my sentence that they had received from Moscow: ‘For the unauthorized escape from her settlement location Dener Esfir Borisovna is sentenced to three years of imprisonment in work camps and further return to the location of settlement for an indefinite term'. This happened in February 1951. 

They took me to another cell where prisoners whose sentence had been passed were kept. Then I was taken to five prisons on the way to my point of destination: Kharkov, Gorky, Kirov and Solikamsk and Nyrob. The most terrible prison was in Gorky. We arrived at a huge gate with steeples on them. The doors were sliding to the sides like curtains in the theater. I remembered the Dante's Inferno: ‘Abandon every hope, you who enter'. I think it was there that I met Martha, a young woman from Germany, who sang arias from ‘Silva' [operetta by Imre Kalman, a prominent Hungarian composer] in the cell in German. She told me her bloodcurdling story: In 1945, after the war, she, a German girl, married a young Soviet officer. A week after their wedding Stalin issued a ban on marriages with foreigners. Her husband's friends advised her husband to disappear for some time and Martha's relatives gave him shelter. When the NKVD came for him, he wasn't at home and they arrested his wife. So she happened to come to the Soviet prison. She didn't know what happened to her husband. I never got to know how her story ended. From Solikamsk prison in Perm region I was taken to the transition prison in Nyrob settlement. There was a barrack for women with about 30 inmates and about 20-30 vacant plank beds. There was a big camp for men behind the fence. 

I was taken to the camp on bathroom day. Each of us was given a tin wash pan and a bar of soap. There was a woman sitting beside me on the bench. I washed myself and stood up to rinse myself with water, when I saw two big hungry eyes looking at me from the wall. I covered myself with the pan. My companion who had been there six years said calmly, ‘Why are you scared? ‘There is someone there…' I stuttered. ‘So, what', she said, ‘some men are gazing…' ‘How awful!' I exclaimed. ‘It doesn't hurt', she said and continued, ‘Two years ago we bathed together. There was nothing about it. We, girls, were starving! And we had to go to work. Women managed somehow, but men were skin and bones. They were dying every day. Now they give us more bread and some cooked food. So look at them, male dogs! And let them look. You won't get any worse from it'. I understood then that men die faster from hunger than women do. 

But this wasn't the end of the day yet. In the evening, when it got dark, a warden came in and asked, ‘Who is Dener?' I already knew that when they were calling your name you were to give them your full name, article of sentence, term, its beginning and end. The warden took me out of the barrack, through a gate to a room with four men in camp robes. I wondered what this was all about. They had familiar faces – they were Jews! They had been there for years and were now working by their professions. One of them was a foreman at the brick factory, another one was an accountant and one was a rate setter. This rate setter had spotted the Jewish name ‘Dener' in the list. They didn't understand what this Article 78 and sentence of three years meant. This was too short a sentence for political prisoners who were usually sentenced under Article 58. Three years was a sentence for pickpockets and minor thieves. They wanted to meet with me to see whether they could help me. They listened to my story, including that after my sentence was over I was supposed to settle down in Siberia for an indefinite term, they exchanged glances and decided to help me. There were two women's camps: one was for pregnant women or women who had small children. The children were kept in the children's home until they reached the age of two. Their mothers worked in the laundry, in the bathroom, in the shop and cleaned the barracks. Other female prisoners worked at the wood throw. They wanted me to stay in this camp where there was additional milk supply for pregnant women and the children's home, and pioneers working at the wood throw also received a glass of milk and a bowl of milk soup each twice a week. 

So they agreed that they would help me to stay at Shunia camp, when the warden ran in and urged them, ‘Hide her, I cannot take her back now – the senior officer and senior warden are inspecting the barracks!' There was a big box with some papers and files in the room. They took out the papers, turned this box with the lock to the wall and told me to get in there. I was thin, so I fit in there, pressing my knees to my chin. They closed the lid, put a chip between the lid and the box for me to be able to breathe. One of these four men sat on the edge of the box smoking. Those two officers came in saying, ‘Why are you smoking, it's impossible to breathe in here! Chief, let's go outside.' And they left. The warden came back and said that he could only escort me back to the barrack in the morning. I sat in this box for a whole night. Those people were putting their position in the camp at risk – later I called it ‘Hesed in the camp'. 

I don't know how they managed it, but I really stayed in Shunia camp. I was kept in the barrack for criminals. This was terrible! They smoked makhorka tobacco and cursed terribly; they were just swearing all the time. They made lesbian love behind a sheet curtain and smoked hashish delivered from Central Asia. What was I to do?! Fortunately, there was a cultural/political unit where I could borrow books to read. There were shelves with books on them. I turned to the other side and, thought, ‘My God!' – Guess what I found there: Mihai Eminescu, among books by other writers. This was a sign of God – and it meant that I wasn't going to stay there in the camp and in exile forever! I took this book into my shaking hands, put it on my plank bed, closed my eyes, saw the graves of my mother and father and swore an oath that I would never drink, smoke drugs, make lesbian love, and that I would never lose my humanity. Never! Because I had no father, no mother, and if I fell there would be no one to give me a hand. 

I read in the evenings: there was a table with a lamp on it in the center of the barrack. Once a woman from the barrack with political prisoners came into our barrack. She saw me reading, called me outside and asked me who I was and what my sentence was. I told her my story. She was Tamara Logvinenko, a writer from Ukraine. She advised me, ‘Make an appointment with the chief of the camp, tell him that your fellow prisoners smoke a lot and that you cannot work properly and that you have problems with your lungs. Ask him to move you into our barrack'. I did as she told me. When I came to the chief's office he had my file on his desk. The chief of the camp – his surname was Ofitserov – listened to me and said, ‘What can we do for you? You know, those political prisoners have long sentence – 10 to 25 years'. After some serious thought, he said, ‘There, you have my permission to visit this political barrack before the retreat. At ten sharp you must be on your plank bed'. There were decent people among the camp personnel. 

So I met those political prisoners. Some had worked for Germans, but most of them were decent women. I was lucky to meet Nathalia Ilinichna Sats. [Soviet producer, playwright, pedagog, a Jewess. She made a significant contribution to the development of Soviet theater for children. She was arrested in 1937, in prison and in exile for 16 years and rehabilitated in 1953. In 1964 she organized the Children's Music/Opera Theater in Moscow. She also staged opera performances abroad.] We spent a few months together. She asked me whether I could sing. Hearing my answer was ‘no' she asked me to recite something: ‘You have a talent. I will work with you'. She taught me about stresses and pauses and about the vocal organ. After those classes she told me that I could perform on any stage. ‘Why would I need to do this?' Her answer was: ‘To make them loyal you will recite poems or tell them stories in the evening. Of course, you won't recite from Anna Karenina or War and Peace'. My fellow inmates called me ‘friersha' – small fish – plus, I was a Jew. There was no anti-Semitism, but staying together in confined space provokes to entertain oneselve or tease somebody. My nationality was as vulnerable as somebody's big weight, for example. So I recited poems or told them stories in the evening. The senior inmate, Zoya, ordered, ‘Silence! Keep so quiet that we can even hear a fly buzzing by!' They teased me a little, but they listened to me. 

Once my fellow inmate Masha, a Moldovan woman, sentenced for murder under Article 156, asked me to write her request for parole. Her story was terrifying and it would take a long time to tell it. Anyway, she and I began to talk. Her five-month-old son Vovka [Vladimir] was born in the camp. ‘Masha, show me your Vovka', I begged her. She took me to the children's home. I took this Vovka with his huge gypsy eyes into my arms and remembered my deceased baby son. I pressed him to my bosom and he wet me all over. Masha took my robe to wash and I was sitting under the blanket. Zoya, the senior inmate said, ‘Everybody has his follies. You need a baby. Look, you read to us… Let us do something good for you. There are young wardens here – you chose somebody and I will make the necessary arrangements'. It took me a while to explain to her that I could do it this way, of course, but that a baby wasn't a toy and that a child needed a father. The only thing it proved to her was that I wasn't of this world.

I was in the camp for a year or a year and a half, when something happened that made me know that those criminals didn't think badly of me. Saturday was our bathroom day. Afterwards we were lying on our plank beds. I was on the upper tier bed by the window. Sunday was a day off and we could sleep until 8am while on the other days we got up at 6am. After the bathroom day, in the evening, we were served tea. The inmate on duty was carrying hot tea in a bucket pouring it into the inmates' mugs from her mug. When she came to me, the door opened and somebody called her. ‘Just wait there, I'll pour some tea for this zhydovka [abusive word for a Jewess] and come there afterwards.' I acted on impulse, you know, evil communications corrupt good manners. I lost control and splashed hot tea into her face. She cursed at me. Then one inmate jumped off her plank bed, then another, the third, the fourth… I thought, ‘What are they up to?' They turned to her: ‘Why do you violate the constitution? She is a Jew and you call her zhydovka, Galka is Ukrainian and you call her hohlushka [abusive word for Ukrainians], Kira is a Chuvash and you call her chuchmechka [abusive word for Chuvash people]. You'll get it from us…' She was glad that they didn't kill her and ran away. They turned to me: ‘How long will you continue to be a ‘friersha'? If you had burned her with this tea you would have been taken to a punishment cell…. Couldn't you just curse her?” I gave them a half hour speech explaining to them why I couldn't curse. 

Two days later the chief of the camp ordered me to come see him in his office. ‘They told me you read in your barrack. I replied: ‘Is it not allowed to do so?' ‘It's all right, particularly since you read the classics. They say you dislike cursing. This means, you help with the education of other inmates. I think you should recite poems on Soviet holidays. You will make a list of what you are going to recite and show it to the censor, he needs to check it'. So I began to recite poems at performances. 

We worked at the wood cutting site. We got up at 6 o'clock in the morning. We had some cereal for breakfast and then left the camp. We had black wadded pants, quilted jackets and pea-jackets. We formed a line and every morning the convoy chief informed us, ‘A step to the right, a step to the left is a try to escape. I will shoot without a warning'. There were wardens with machine guns and dogs on leashes. So we marched at gun-point to work in the woods. We worked hard from morning till night. We sawed wood with manual saws with wooden handles. At first we made a notch on the wood with a heavy ax and then we put a saw into this notch. We sawed into about a quarter of a trunk and then pushed the tree with picaroons into the direction where it had to fall. And this was us, women, doing this! Then we chopped off branches and boughs and then tractors hauled these trunks away. We had soup and kasha [pulp] delivered from the camp at lunch. We ate from aluminum bowls. Also, we didn't have spoons and ate from the bowls with our hands. 

I never started sawing another trunk before the end of a working day. The convoy never waited for us and we never knew whether we would come to the same job site on the following day. And a tree with an undercut could fall at any moment. I never took this risk. I remember standing by a big fire at the end of a working day, we called this fire ‘Tashkent' in the camp. I was drying my gauntlet gloves, when I heard the typical grinding sound of a falling tree. Where do I run? Right, left or back?.. I managed to slightly get on my feet, gain a grip with my fists and stretch as much as I could. The tree fell on my back and its crown covered me. There was much ado, the convoy rushed to me pushing away the tree. I was bleeding and there were scratches on my face, but I was lucky that it was the crown of the tree falling on me and that I was wearing thick winter clothes. The warden wiped the blood off my face with snow and said, ‘Wench, you were born under a lucky star'. There was a twig sticking out under my left eye. You can still see the scar from the hole of it when I smile.

On 5th March 1953 Stalin died. I don't know whether his death and Purim happened on the same day. But anyway, in my childhood Purim was in March. And this was the happiest Purim in my life! When I got hold of a Soviet newspaper with a photograph of Stalin in the casket I kept it for a long time like a relic. I remember that Hitler committed suicide on 30th April and in the same way I remember that Stalin died on 5th March. They are both the same kind of evildoers for me. Looking at him in the casket I felt pleased that he had died. I met with so many wonderful people in the camp – there were masses of political prisoners sentenced for no reason. They were sentenced for 25 years of hard work, for which they weren't paid. Stalin plotted a system of credits, where one year was reckoned as three or seven years, and prisoners were happy that they worked off their 25 years in five or seven years, but they died before they were to be released. They either died from hard labor that was too much for them or they left the camps as cripples. 

In 1954 my term came to an end and I was released from the camp, but I still had my ‘indefinite exile' left. I couldn't leave Nyrob and I stayed there to work in the office. I was accommodated in a little room with a stove. At that time I met Igor Golubin, a prisoner from Kharkov. He was sentenced for what they call ‘commerce' nowadays: he bought or sold something and was sentenced for five years for profiteering. When he was released he came to me and confessed his love. He said he wanted to stay with me, though he could leave for wherever he wanted to. I asked him whether he had a family. Never in my life could I have been with a person who had a wife and children. My mother wrote in her last letter: ‘Never build your happiness upon somebody else's unhappiness'. This sentence was sacred for me. I asked him to have his mother write to me and confirm that he was single. She arrived at Nyrob and told me herself that she was happy for her son and that he wanted to marry a decent woman. We lived in civil marriage for three years, but Igor was drinking and I didn't dare to have a baby. Igor died from cirrhosis in Kharkov. 

In 1956, at the Twentieth Party Congress 13 Khrushchev 14 denounced Stalin and this had a direct impact on me – in 1956 I was released from exile. I was happy that they released me and I obtained a legal passport! My God! That's still the most precious thing I have in my life. It was summer. I had a piece of a red polka-dot staple fabric. I designed a dress and took the fabric to a dressmaker to make a dress for me. I was walking in the street wearing this dress, when I saw the chief of the camp. He said, ‘You look like a strawberry. Look, let's go to the cinema. No guns or dogs! Don't be unforgiving. Whatever there was there was.' I said, ‘Remember this, man. I shall never have anything to do with somebody who convoyed me at gun-point'. And I went on. I must say people treated me very well in the Ural. There was no anti-Semitism. I was a labor and salary engineer in repair shops in Nyrob and then I moved to Zlatoust in Cheliabinsk region. 

I didn't know anything about my brother and sister who had stayed in Romania, but I had relatives in Kishinev. I sent a letter to the address inquiry office in Kishinev and indicated their prewar address: 7, Fontannaya Street. I was hoping that somebody might have returned form the war. They sent me a note saying that my cousins Etia Yakovlevna Dener and Viktoria Yakovlevna Dener lived on 29, Armianskaya Street, Apt. 26, in Kishinev. I wrote to them and they replied. They wrote that Uncle Yakov had died in evacuation, that my brother Yuzef had perished in the ghetto in Transnistria 15 in 1942, and that my sister Sarah had survived and was working in the house of a composer in Bucharest. We began to correspond. In 1964, after her husband died, Sarah moved to Israel. They had no children. They offered her a job in a music school in a kibbutz, but she refused, ‘I lived my life in Bucharest and I can't live in a village'. She went to work in a restaurant where she washed dishes. Since Sarah knew six languages – French, German, English, Romanian, Russian, Yiddish and Latin –she went to work as a telephone operator on long distance calls within some time. Then she took a six-month training in Munich. All in all, she retired from her work as deputy chief of department in the Ministry of Communication of Israel. She lives in Ramat-Aviv. 

My cousin Viktoria was asking me how long I was going to live in the Ural and wanted me to come back to Moldova. I finally decided to try, and moved to Kishinev in 1964. I stayed with Viktoria. Etia Dener had passed away before then. I went to work in the construction department in Krikovo near Kishinev and lived in a hostel. Six months later our department moved to Kishinev. In 1968 I received a one-bedroom apartment in Ryshkanovka, the greenest district in town. I received a good salary and bought furniture on installments: a living room set, a couch, armchairs and a TV set. This was my home hearth and I enjoyed arranging it. I was 44, I was strong and was thinking of adopting a boy. I went to the children's home. There was a four-year-old boy there. His name was Andryushka and I was told that his parents had died in an accident. I went to see him four or five times. I brought him toys and sweets and went for walks with him. I had to collect a number of documents for adoption, including recommendations from work and a health certificate. I had wonderful recommendations, but in my health certificate they wrote: heart deficiency, surgery required. And they turned me down. Of course, Andryushka forgot me long ago, but I cannot forget this incident. I could have a son now. 

My boss Gennadiy Alexeevich Shevtsov knew that I had no children and swamped me with public activities. I was responsible for the training of young specialists who came to work at the department after college. He introduced me to them, ‘You can ask our chief engineer all work-related questions and address other questions to your tutor'. They came to me with all their problems: regarding a hostel, an award, holidays in summer time, or an apartment, when they were getting married. I called them ‘my boys' and loved them in a ‘motherly' kind of way and they returned my love. 

I was considering moving to Israel in the 1970s, when many people were going there, but my doctors told me that the climate wasn't for me. Many of my friends and colleagues left then. I don't remember the names. I remember numerous meetings condemning those people and putting them to shame. I sympathized with them, but I kept silent at such meetings. I already knew that sometimes it was better to keep silent. 

In 1978 the doctors said I urgently needed a heart surgery and that there could be no delay. I wrote to my sister in Israel. I wanted her to visit me before the surgery. I sent her an invitation and collected all necessary documents, but the Soviet authorities didn't give her permission to visit here. My cousin Viktoria Dener was a cardiologist in the Republican Polyclinic. She helped me to have the surgery done by assistant professor Vasiliev. She had to pull some strings for me because in the USSR one couldn't choose a surgeon. When I was in hospital, somebody at work got to know that I needed blood for blood transfusions. Once the chief of department at Paskaryuk came into my ward and said, ‘Esfir Borisovna, a bus from your workplace brought 18 young men to give you their blood.' ‘Where are they, my boys?' I asked. ‘Don't worry, we've sent them to the blood transfusion office.' he replied. I started crying, of course, sobbing, ‘What have you done. They didn't bring me candy or kefir, they brought me their blood, but you didn't even let me see them'. The doctor didn't want me to worry and joked, ‘You know, despite your hot temper 18 young guys are too much for you right now. Let them visit you one by one'. This simple joke put a smile on my face. And he continued, ‘Another tear and you will have an intravenous injection. You mustn't worry!' And later, the boys did come to see me.

After the surgery my doctors recommended me to have an apartment not higher than on the second floor and the construction department gave me another apartment in the same district. Every year I obtained a free stay at the cardiologic centers in Moldova, Palanga [Lithuania] and Kislovodsk 16. I loved traveling and the Crimea was my favorite place. I usually went there in the middle of September, the ‘velvet' season, when it was warm, but not hot. A plane ticket from Kishinev to Simferopol cost 17 rubles. I took a trolley bus to Yalta. This was the longest trolley bus trail in the USSR [about 160 km]. In Yalta I rented a room, swam in the sea and went for walks in seashore parks. I also went on tours along the seashore: to the former czarist palace in Livadia, to Count Vorontsov Palace 17 in Alupka, to Gursuf, which Pushkin 18 had once visited. I remember a beautiful open air museum near Yalta – ‘The Meadow of fairy tales…' And of course, I read in my free time. I had a small collection of Russian and foreign classical books. I like Somerset Maugham.

In 1988, when the relations between the USSR and Israel got warmer during the rule of Gorbachev 19, my sister Sarah obtained a three-month visa. I was expecting her to arrive on 5th May, but she arrived on 4th May and I didn't meet her at the station. She took a taxi. When I opened the door and saw her I exclaimed, ‘Mama!' We hadn't seen each other for 48 years and I remembered her as a 22-year-old girl and when I opened the door, I saw my mother, the way she looked when I saw her for the last time in exile in Siberia. Sarah looked so much like my mother. 

There was so much joy and so many tears on that day. Sarah brought me many gifts from my acquaintances from Falesti who had moved to Israel. She stayed in the apartment next-door because my neighbor went to Moscow for three months. We spent all our time together. She celebrated her 70th birthday here. I invited all of my acquaintances and arranged a party for her. Then we visited friends and there were feasts and parties. Sarah didn't understand this; she would say, ‘This is the wrong way to live. We live differently. We go to a restaurant, have dinner and listen to music or dance, but to cook so much! We don't cook so much.' She didn't like the shop assistants here. They weren't so friendly at that time. When we went to buy gifts for my acquaintances, Sarah was very nervous; and she was shocked by the fact that she wasn't allowed to go to Leningrad and Moscow. The authorities explained that she only had a visa for Kishinev. ‘How can one live here!' she was indignant. 

In the 1990s, after the break down of the USSR Sarah sent me two parcels with soap, shampoo and detergents. During her visit she had seen stocks of these in my neighbor's bathroom and must have come to the conclusion that we were having problems getting these goods. Perestroika 20 had its impact on pensioners and we began to have financial problems. I spent my pension to pay my rent, but I always pay my bills for the apartment, power and telephone in a timely manner, so that they, God Forbid, don't take away my apartment. I've had this fear in my blood since they forced us to leave our home, when the Soviet power here started. 

However, I understand that perestroika made the rebirth of the Jewish life in Kishinev possible. They opened a Jewish library, the Jewish Enlightening University [Community lecture course], and the Jewish Charity Center Hesed Yehuda started its work. I attend lectures on the subject of Jewish life in the Enlightening University twice a week. They tell us how to celebrate Jewish holidays and hold lectures on Jewish history and literature: [Isaac] Bashevis Singer 21, for example. I also go to the warm house where I celebrate Jewish holidays with older people like myself and talk. But I'm not used to going to the synagogue. I went to the restaurant in Hesed every day before I had a micro stroke in the eye, but now they deliver meals to my home. 

Four years ago [2000] I had a cataract surgery. To be blind would be terrible for me. I was alone in Kishinev. My cousin sister died in 1984, her son Yakov and his family moved to Augsburg in Germany. I borrowed money - it was a lot of money for me - on the security of my apartment through an acquaintance of mine. I wrote a request to the Assistance Fund of Hesed. The former director of Hesed said, ‘Make arrangements to leave them your apartment'. Four years have passed, but I cannot think calmly about it. I wasn't asking money for a coat, a dress or a visit to my sister. Loneliness and helplessness are the hardest things. There's nothing more important than human relations and health. My former colleagues often call me and send me their regards on New Year's, 8th March [Women's Day] and Builders' Day [one of the professional holidays in the former USSR]. Recently I got a call at midnight: ‘Esfir Borisovna?' the voice asked. I replied, ‘Speaking, Tarakanov'. I recognized his voice. This was Valera Tarakanov, one of my ‘boys'. ‘How come you call so ‘early'?' I asked. He said, ‘You know, I've recently come back from Israel where I was visiting my friends. Do you remember how you stood up for me, when I needed a room in a hostel?' … We talked until one o'clock in the morning. 

Glossary

1 Bessarabia

Historical area between the Prut and Dnestr rivers, in the southern part of Odessa region. Bessarabia was part of Russia until the Revolution of 1917. In 1918 it declared itself an independent republic, and later it united with Romania. The Treaty of Paris (1920) recognized the union but the Soviet Union never accepted this. In 1940 Romania was forced to cede Bessarabia and Northern Bukovina to the USSR. The two provinces had almost 4 million inhabitants, mostly Romanians. Although Romania reoccupied part of the territory during World War II the Romanian peace treaty of 1947 confirmed their belonging to the Soviet Union. Today it is part of Moldavia. 

2 Russian Revolution of 1917

Revolution in which the tsarist regime was overthrown in the Russian Empire and, under Lenin, was replaced by the Bolshevik rule. The two phases of the Revolution were: February Revolution, which came about due to food and fuel shortages during World War I, and during which the tsar abdicated and a provisional government took over. The second phase took place in the form of a coup led by Lenin in October/November (October Revolution) and saw the seizure of power by the Bolsheviks.

3 Kuprin, Aleksandr Ivanovich (1870-1938)

Russian writer. In 1919, during the Russian Civil War, he emigrated to Paris. In 1937 he returned to Russia. Kuprin is best known for the short novel The Duel (1905), a story of army life in a provincial garrison, and Captain Ribnikov (1906), a spy story.

4 Tolstoy, Lev Nikolayevich (1828-1910)

Russian novelist and moral philosopher, who holds an important place in his country's cultural history as an ethical philosopher and religious reformer. Tolstoy, alongside Dostoyevsky, made the realistic novel a literary genre, ranking in importance with classical Greek tragedy and Elizabethan drama. He is best known for his novels, including War and Peace, Anna Karenina and The Death of Ivan Ilyich, but also wrote short stories and essays and plays. Tolstoy took part in the Crimean War and his stories based one the defense of Sevastopol, known as Sevastopol Sketches, made him famous and opened St. Petersburg's literary circles to him. His main interest lay in working out his religious and philosophical ideas. He condemned capitalism and private property and was a fearless critic, which finally resulted in his excommunication from the Russian Orthodox Church in 1901. His views regarding the evil of private property gradually estranged him from his wife, Yasnaya Polyana, and children, except for his daughter Alexandra, and he finally left them in 1910. He died on his way to a monastery at the railway junction of Astapovo.

5 Eminescu, Mihai (1850-1889)

considered the foremost Romanian poet of his century. His poems, lyrical, passionate, and revolutionary, were published in periodicals and had a profound influence on Romanian letters. He worked in a traveling company of actors, and also acquired a broad university education. His poetry reflected the influence of the French romantics. Eminescu suffered from periodic attacks of insanity and died shortly after his final attack.

6 Cuzist

Member of the Romanian fascist organization named after Alexandru C. Cuza, one of the most fervent fascist leaders in Romania, who was known for his ruthless chauvinism and anti-Semitism. In 1919 Cuza founded the LANC, which became the National Christian Party in 1935 with an anti-Semitic program.

7 Komsomol

Communist youth political organization created in 1918. The task of the Komsomol was to spread of the ideas of communism and involve the worker and peasant youth in building the Soviet Union. The Komsomol also aimed at giving a communist upbringing by involving the worker youth in the political struggle, supplemented by theoretical education. The Komsomol was more popular than the Communist Party because with its aim of education people could accept uninitiated young proletarians, whereas party members had to have at least a minimal political qualification.

8 NKVD

People's Committee of Internal Affairs; it took over from the GPU, the state security agency, in 1934.

9 Great Patriotic War

On 22nd June 1941 at 5 o'clock in the morning Nazi Germany attacked the Soviet Union without declaring war. This was the beginning of the so-called Great Patriotic War. The German blitzkrieg, known as Operation Barbarossa, nearly succeeded in breaking the Soviet Union in the months that followed. Caught unprepared, the Soviet forces lost whole armies and vast quantities of equipment to the German onslaught in the first weeks of the war. By November 1941 the German army had seized the Ukrainian Republic, besieged Leningrad, the Soviet Union's second largest city, and threatened Moscow itself. The war ended for the Soviet Union on 9th May 1945.

10 Collectivization in the USSR

In the late 1920s - early 1930s private farms were liquidated and collective farms established by force on a mass scale in the USSR. Many peasants were arrested during this process. As a result of the collectivization, the number of farmers and the amount of agricultural production was greatly reduced and famine struck in the Ukraine, the Northern Caucasus, the Volga and other regions in 1932-33.

11 Russian stove

Big stone stove stoked with wood. They were usually built in a corner of the kitchen and served to heat the house and cook food. It had a bench that made a comfortable bed for children and adults in wintertime.

12 Kolkhoz

In the Soviet Union the policy of gradual and voluntary collectivization of agriculture was adopted in 1927 to encourage food production while freeing labor and capital for industrial development. In 1929, with only 4% of farms in kolkhozes, Stalin ordered the confiscation of peasants' land, tools, and animals; the kolkhoz replaced the family farm.

13 Twentieth Party Congress

At the Twentieth Congress of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union in 1956 Khrushchev publicly debunked the cult of Stalin and lifted the veil of secrecy from what had happened in the USSR during Stalin's leadership.

14 Khrushchev, Nikita (1894-1971)

Soviet communist leader. After Stalin's death in 1953, he became first secretary of the Central Committee, in effect the head of the Communist Party of the USSR. In 1956, during the 20th Party Congress, Khrushchev took an unprecedented step and denounced Stalin and his methods. He was deposed as premier and party head in October 1964. In 1966 he was dropped from the Party's Central Committee.

15 Transnistria

Area situated between the Bug and Dniester rivers and the Black Sea. The term is derived from the Romanian name for the Dniester (Nistru) and was coined after the occupation of the area by German and Romanian troops in World War II. After its occupation Transnistria became a place for deported Romanian Jews. Systematic deportations began in September 1941. In the course of the next two months, all surviving Jews of Bessarabia and Bukovina and a small part of the Jewish population of Old Romania were dispatched across the Dniester. This first wave of deportations reached almost 120,000 by mid-November 1941 when it was halted by Ion Antonescu, the Romanian dictator, upon intervention of the Council of Romanian Jewish Communities. Deportations resumed at the beginning of the summer of 1942, affecting close to 5,000 Jews. A third series of deportations from Old Romania took place in July 1942, affecting Jews who had evaded forced labor decrees, as well as their families, communist sympathizers and Bessarabian Jews who had been in Old Romania and Transylvania during the Soviet occupation. The most feared Transnistrian camps were Vapniarka, Ribnita, Berezovka, Tulcin and Iampol. Most of the Jews deported to camps in Transnistria died between 1941-1943 because of horrible living conditions, diseases and lack of food.

16 Kislovodsk

Town in Stavropol region, Balneal resort. Located at the foothills of the Caucasus at the height of 720-1060 meters. 
17 Vorontsov, Mikhail Semyonovich (1782-1856): Russian statesman and count, governor-general of Novorussia and Odessa from 1823-1844. His contribution to the development of Odessa is truly immense. Vorontsov was an energetic and dynamic administrator, happy only when he had some challenge to meet, and Novorussia provided enough of those. His wife, Elizaveta Vorontsova, is known for having had an affair with the famous poet Alexandr Pushkin, when the latter was exiled to Odessa due to his suspected anti-state activities. Pushkin dedicated a number of poems to Countess Vorontsova. In 1844 Vorontsov, by then 62 years old, was appointed governor-general of the Caucasus and commander-in-chief of the Russian forces there, in addition to his duties in Novorussia. He spent the next 10 years either in military action in the Caucasus or in developing economic projects in both regions. 

18 Pushkin, Alexandr (1799-1837)

Russian poet and prose writer, among the foremost figures in Russian literature. Pushkin established the modern poetic language of Russia, using Russian history for the basis of many of his works. His masterpiece is Eugene Onegin, a novel in verse about mutually rejected love. The work also contains witty and perceptive descriptions of Russian society of the period. Pushkin died in a duel.

19 Gorbachev, Mikhail (1931- )

Soviet political leader. Gorbachev joined the Communist Party in 1952 and gradually moved up in the party hierarchy. In 1970 he was elected to the Supreme Soviet of the USSR, where he remained until 1990. In 1980 he joined the politburo, and in 1985 he was appointed general secretary of the party. In 1986 he embarked on a comprehensive program of political, economic, and social liberalization under the slogans of glasnost (openness) and perestroika (restructuring). The government released political prisoners, allowed increased emigration, attacked corruption, and encouraged the critical reexamination of Soviet history. The Congress of People's Deputies, founded in 1989, voted to end the Communist Party's control over the government and elected Gorbachev executive president. Gorbachev dissolved the Communist Party and granted the Baltic states independence. Following the establishment of the Commonwealth of Independent States in 1991, he resigned as president. Since 1992, Gorbachev has headed international organizations.

20 Perestroika (Russian for restructuring)

Soviet economic and social policy of the late 1980s, associated with the name of Soviet politician Mikhail Gorbachev. The term designated the attempts to transform the stagnant, inefficient command economy of the Soviet Union into a decentralized, market-oriented economy. Industrial managers and local government and party officials were granted greater autonomy, and open elections were introduced in an attempt to democratize the Communist Party organization. By 1991, perestroika was declining and was soon eclipsed by the dissolution of the USSR.

21 Singer, Isaac Bashevis (1904-1991)

Yiddish novelist, short-story writer and journalist. Born in Poland, Singer received a traditional rabbinical education but opted for the life of a writer instead. He emigrated to the US in 1935, where he wrote for the New York-based The Jewish Daily Forward. Many of his novellas, such as Satan in Goray (1935) and The Slave (1962), are set in the Poland of the past. One of his best-known works, The Family Moskat (1950), he deals with the decline of Jewish values in Warsaw before World War II. Singer was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1978.

Irina Voinova

Irina Voinova
St. Petersburg
Russia
Interviewer: Tamara Rozenzaft

My paternal great-grandmother and great-grandfather were born and lived in Revel, Estonia.

After 1917 the city was called Tallinn. Great-grandpa’s surname was Aizman.

Grandma and grandpa were born there, too  Who were Grandma and Grandpa? What was their profession? Their status? – of this I know nothing; I don’t even know their names.

But if my father was called Israel Borisovich, then, most likely, Grandpa was named Boris. 
I never knew either of them.

They died before the Soviet regime came to power.

I was told, however, that they were very religious.

  • My family background

I’ve been told that in 1913  my dad, Israel Borisovich, two of his brothers, Leva and Grisha (Herman) and their cousin Anna Isaacovna left Revel and went off to St. Petersburg My grandparents in Revel died at about the same time. Granny and Grandpa had 13 children, but I don’t know anything about the ones who remained in Revel.

In 1914 the oldest brothers – Dad and uncle Leva –  joined the army. Uncle Grisha didn’t go with them as he was too young. He was probably born in 1902. Uncle Leva  also fought in the Civil War and was a war hero. He was wounded in the spine and after this could not use his legs. He died in Leningrad during the blockade. He couldn’t walk and was helpless.

Uncle Grisha worked at a tannery. After my parents were married, Uncle Grisha  met Aunt Raya Ansher, my mother’s sister, at our home, and in 1922 they got married. In 1923 they gave birth to their only son Borya, who at age 19 was killed at the front in Stalingrad in 1942 or 1943. He held the rank of senior lieutenant. Uncle Grisha himself also perished at the front, near Leningrad, when he was 37.

During the war Aunt Raya worked as a hospital nurse at the hospital in Leningrad. I don’t know what she did after the war. She died in Leningrad in 1983.

My maternal grandfather, Jakov Josifovich Ansher, was born in 1870 in Ponevezh,  in Lithuania. He completed four grades of high school (gymnasium) and worked as a teacher in Ponevezh. Grandma, his wife, was called Khanna Mikhailovna. At some point Mom’s family left for Petrograd. Here, in 1916 my mother met my father and they got married.

Granny and Grandpa stayed in Petrograd, where Grandpa worked at a tobacco factory as a mill-hand. In 1942, during the war,  they were evacuated to Molotov (now Perm), where they remained until the their deaths. They died in the 1950s, almost at the same time. They were religious people. I was told that Grandpa sang in the synagogue choir.

Granny and Grandpa had seven children. The eldest was Aunt Polya, Polina Jacovlevna. Then came my mom, Berta Jacovlevna; she  was born in Ponevezh in 1900. Then came Aunt Raya, Uncle Jasha (Jacov), Uncle Borya, Aunt Lena and Aunt Roza. All the Ansher sisters were very beautiful.

I don’t know if my mom ever studied anywhere, but she was very literate nonetheless. She wrote in Yiddish very well. Both my dad and mom’s parents also wrote well in Yiddish. And Daddy, generally speaking, knew several languages very well, including  Estonian, Hebrew, and German.

I was born on August, 18, 1926. My elder sister Lena was born in 1923. My brother Boris was born in 1925. Then came Zelda (we called her Zhenya), and Moses. We called him Mishenka. We were five children. All my brothers and sisters were born in Petrograd, but I was born in Perm. Most likely, Mom  gave birth to me when she was visiting there for some reason.

Daddy was a tailor. He worked as a manager of a tailor shop. Clients went to him there, but some came to our home for fittings. They said of my Daddy: “Israel has magical hands.”

Mom was a housewife, but she sewed at home as well, helping Dad. Once Dad had some large children’s order – either for a school or for an orphanage. They were winter coats, I even recall that they were green. Mom sewed them at home. Our parents also sewed the clothes that we kids wore; they never bought any.

Mom was very religious. I always wondered why she didn’t allow us sometimes to carry things from somewhere,  and only now I realize that, most likely, it was Shabbat. She tried to keep all the traditions, but she went to synagogue only rarely and in secret from Daddy. Daddy never went to synagogue. He was a communist – I remember my relatives saying that Papa was a communist, and at that time everything was strict; a communist couldn’t go to synagogue.

Mom had a small chest, and in it was a little velvet cap. She had some sort of small casket – she must have inherited these things from her parents. Once I dropped the casket – Mom was so upset;  she kissed it and all the time whispered in Yiddish (she spoke Yiddish well).

Daddy and Uncle Grisha knew Kirov [Sergei Mironovich Kirov (1886 – 1934) – a prominent figure in the Communist Party,who was in charge of establishing Soviet power in the Caucases, from 1926 –he was the secretary of the Leningrad Regional Party Committee from working in the party. I remember very well when Kirov was shot in 1934. Uncle Grisha came in, they were sitting on the sofa and Daddy’s eyes were full of tears. They took it very hard. Then for a few nights Dad slept in his clothes -- he expected they would come for him at any moment. At that time many people were shot. And Mom would go to Mishenka, - she would embrace him and cry. But everything turned out all right.

Dad for the always wore a greatcoat. And he had a long black overcoat as well; and he always wore spats. But he didn’t carry any weapon.

Among themselves my parents spoke Yiddish. With us,  well, sometimes they would shout at us both in Yiddish and in Russian. In childhood I understood everythingbut later forgot.

Our flat was situated in a big building that had several floors. We lived on the third floor, and Uncle Leva (Dad’s brother) lived on the ground floor. Our family was poor. There was only one room in the flat, a big one – may be, of 40 square meters. There were beds and a big table. We all, seven people, lived in one room. We never had any nannies. Mom always cooked and cleaned up. She was a very orderly person.

We had a big ancient candelabra. Mum would light candles in it  say, “Be quiet, don’t get close to it and don’t touch it.” I also remember that we had a big white tiled fireplace at home, with a small mantelpiece. And also there was a big iron chest.

When we were little, we often had guests. We had a large table – we would sit at the table  and sing (we sang Ukrainian songs, Mom liked them). Uncle Grisha and Dad would sing some Jewish songs in Yiddish. One person who visited us was a Jew with a humpback, who worked for Dad. There were also many Estonians, since dad was from Estonia. Usually, when guests came, we had to leave the table and sit separately.

Mom was very hospitable, and she was a good cook. Of the Jewish dishes she cooked, I remember tzimes, chicken necks, amd stuffed fish. Always on [Passover] we had matzo. Mom would go to some place early in the morning and buy matzo. When Mom and Aunt Anya cooked chicken soup, they made matzo dumplings.

Mom died on May 23, 1937 as the result of an unsuccessful abortion. She is buried in the Jewish cemetery in Leningrad. I remember that she had a burial service in the synagogue of the Jewish cemetery. When Mom died she left 5 little children, one smaller the other. Dad was 42 years old, and he became sexually involved with an 18-year-old slut, an Estonian named Selma. He drove us to the country, to Elizavetino (near Leningrad), to her mother’s place, and he and his girlfriend left us for somewhere. We didn’t know where they went. (Later we learned that after the war in Tashkent he began living with a Burkharan Jewess.)

Selma’s mother lived in a big one-story house, where there were a lot of children. They lived very poorly. There was no wallpaper on the walls. They treated us badly; I recall that they would add water to the milk they gave us – they even begrudged us milk.  Who needed us, outsider kids! Our oldest sister, Lena, went out begging for us. 

But we didn’t live there long. After a few months we were all placed elsewhere. Zhenechka, Misha and I were put in orphanages –  for some reason we were all sent to different ones. The older two, Lena and Borya (Lena was 14 and Borya - 12 ) were sent to a vocational school in Krasnoe Selo, near Leningrad.

It was then that we completely lost touch with our youngest brother,  Mishenka, who was 5 at the time. He sought us out only in 1955. I didn’t recognize him at first. He had became an attractive young man with dark, curly hair.

I was at the orphanage for about a month. It was in summer. A lot of us lived in one room. I always sat in the corner, separately, constantly crying. I didn’t want to eat anything and  grew very thin; I missed Mom and Dad terribly. When Aunt Anya Feitelson, dad’s cousin, came to see me, she was told: “If you want this child to live, take her away.” So she and Uncle Vitya, her husband, took me in. Aunt Anya became my guardian, but they only took me. Maybe they didn’t know where my brothers and sisters were. Or may be they did know but  didn’t want to assume such a responsibility and take anyone else.

Aunt Anya, Dad’s cousin,  Anna Isaacovna Aizman, had arrived in St. Petersburg from Revel in 1913  together with Dad and his two brothers. Her uncle, who was living there, adopted her in order to register her in his flat, where she took up residence. Aunt Anya was very beautiful, tall, svelte. She married Victor Gugovich Feitelson and on October, 26, 1927 they gave birth to a son, Gugo.

Gugo and I were born less than a year apart, and he was in the same class as I was at school. I wasn’t really friends with him, but we  played together. If Gugo offended me, then uncle Vitya took my side, but aunt Anya always stood up for Gugo.

I don’t know what kind of education Aunt Anya had received, but she was very literate. She knew Yiddish, German, and Estonian well – she knew 5 or 6 languages altogether. She and Uncle Vitya were the managers of a drugstore. Aunt Anya and Uncle Vitya also spoke Yiddish, but they didn’t celebrate any religious holidays.

  • During the war

After Aunt Anya took me in, I began to go to school. I started in 1938. I entered third grade, because earlier I had gone to school when Mom was alive. I liked mathematics, the Russian language, dictation – they were my favorite subjects. I wasn’t so good in English. I wanted to study, and later, in vocational school, I was always top of the class. I was always elected to be a class leader, and always worked hard.

I always got on well with the other children. We had a mathematics teacher – her name was Anna Ivanovna, who was a school superintendent.  She loved me and felt sorry for me, and I was always teased that  I was “Annushka’s pet.”

I went to enter vocational school in 1941. I was only 14, and they didn’t want to accept me because I was too young. But Anna Ivanovna was at the entrance examination and stuck up for me, saying that I was an orphan. Thanks to her I was accepted. It was the First Vocational School attached to a ship’s-mechanical factory. I specialized in studying to be an all-round turner.  At the vocational school we were fed well, and they gave us greatcoats, skirts, jackets, shirts, and soldier's blouses.

Gugo died of starvation in 1942, during the blockade. He was picked up in the street and taken to the hospital, where he died.

During the blockade, Aunt Anya  was very sick. She suffered from scurvy. In 1942, in the beginning of spring, I took her to the hospital. She had blue, swollen legs. But the hospital wouldn’t take her. They said there was no room. I told her,
Aunt Anya, let’s go home. But she told me, “
Run home and leave me here, on the porch. If somebody picks me up, - well, it will be good, if no – then so be it.” So I went home, leaving her on the porch. It was cold. The next day I came – she wasn’t there. I tried to find out what had happened to her, but nobody knew anything. I couldn’t find her, so  I decided she had died, and when uncle Vitya arrived that’s what I told him. But as it turned out,  she lost her memory and couldn’t remember anything, even her name. She was was evacuated somewhere, and then, after the war, her memory returned, and she came back home.

But I had told uncle Vitya that Aunt Anya had died, and in 1947 he re-married. His second wife’s name was Fruma Naumovna. She was a Jew. During the war Aunt Fruma was at the front, and her mother and son remained in Belorussia (they lived in Belorussia, in Khatin). The Germans came there and took all the Jews together and led them off to be shot. Aunt Fruma’ s son, a little boy, bit a German in the hand and he grabbed him, fractured his spine and flung him into the pit. Most of Fruma’s relatives were killed there. Those who were half dead were buried alive in the pit.
Only one sister survived (I don’t remember her name). She was hiding in some little store-room, but she was betrayed later. A Russian politsay [that was the name for Russian people who agreed to work for the Nazis in the occupied territories and served as a  police force, keeping “order” among civilians] came, grabbed her and took her to the commandant's office. Two Germans were ordered to take her aside to the bushes and to shoot her there. She was just 17, but she understood German. When they reached the place the Germans told her:
Daughter, you are young, beautiful, - run to the forest.
She replied:
Shoot me, why are you tormenting me?
They repeated: Run, you are young; we shall shoot; don’t be afraid of it.
She recalled later,
“I moved away, saying Well, shoot!, and then I ran, thinking, Am I alive or not? I came running into the forest, fell, and only two days later regained consciousness and saw that I was alive.”

In this way, she was saved by the Germans. What happened to those who hid her, she doesn’t know, as she didn’t go back. She ran away into the forest, and only then was found by our people in the forest.

Aunt Fruma and her husband were at the front at that time. Her husband was killed. She left for Leningrad and in 1947she became involved with Uncle Vitya. She worked at the drugstore on Vasylievsky island where he was the manager. They got married. But soon aunt Anya came back! She didn’t want to stay in Leningrad, because her son had died there, and she asked Uncle Vitya to return with her to Estonia. Uncle Vitya said no. He himself was not from Estonia, and he felt that his life was in Leningrad. So he didn’t leave. Aunt Anya returnede to live – in Tallinn, in her homeland. That is where she died in 1972. And Uncle Vitya continued to live with Fruma in Leningrad. He died in 1982.

I lived at Aunt Anya’s until the winter of 1942, when I was  evacuated to Barnaul. They evacuated the people who were the sickest and weakest and said that as soon as we were well, we would be taken back to Leningrad. They transported us in cattle cars  – these were goods wagons with plank beds. We probably traveled for two months, if not more. Once a day we were let out of the wagon as if we were a herd of cattle; they fed us with any old stuff they had (pea soup and something else) – and then were led back into the wagon.
There were only three girls in the group I was with – me, my friend Rosa Mutovkina and another girl – Sara. Some boys didn’t like us because of our nationality [i.e. we were Jewish] and often were rude to us.

First we were taken to Aleisk, a town in the north, where  we were driven to some club or palace of culture. We lived in this building for a few days and slept right on the floor, putting the our kit-bags under our heads. We were given half a kilogram of bread a day and water – that’s all.  Several days later we were herded together and transported to Barnaul. The day after our arrival we were stripped of our clothes: they took away our greatcoats and new boots that had been distributed to us in the vocational school. In exchange the gave us  quilted jackets – we called them something unprintable! – and boots with wooden soles.

We were settled in barracks. They had two-tiered bunk beds and one stove, called a “bourguika”. The windows were narrow and were situated at ground level. It was cold, dirty and damp there, we froze.  We bought Valenki.  Valenki were wet all the time. And if we put them into the stove to get dried  – some burned up, some stayed wet all the same. And  in the morning we had to put them on again and go to work, which was quite far away.

We worked at a plant that produced bullets. I worked as a turner.  I was always a very good worker and was ahead of schedule. My photo was always posted on the board of honor. We worked for 16 or 18 hours a day. And sometimes we spent the nights in the workshop, because it was a very long way back to our barracks -- five or six kilometers on foot. In Barnaul the temperature was  minus 40 degrees C0,  and we were just in quilted jackets. Everybody's hands and legs were frostbitten. When we stayed at the workshop overnight we would  hide somewhere under a short flight of stairs to sleep.

We were paid salaries for our work. We could go to the market, buy a head of cabbage and eat it  raw. I remember that we also bought frozen milk. For bread we had ration cards – 800 grams of bread per day. We got cereal with ration cards, too,  and there was also something else - I don’t remember. It was quiet in Barnaul, it didn’t feel as if there was a war on. People went about their daily lives. For some reason boys ran and sold water in glasses, a glass cost 10 kopecks. It was a hard life, but sometimes we arranged parties in the barracks; we sang, danced. We were young, we were only 15 to 20 years old.

  • After the war

One day, while walking back from work, we accidentally found out that a military unit was going to Leningrad. And just as we were – without our belongings, without our documents, without any money – 16 of us ran and joined them.

I think that it again took something like two and a half months to reach Leningrad.  Again we traveled in a cattle car. But the authorities were out looking for us. You see, we had deserted  the munitions plant without permission. Once the train was stopped and they searched for us, searched through all the wagons. We ran and hid where we could. People helped us – they hid us and fed us. We met good people. Various types of people were traveling– including evacuees going to Leningrad and the military. There were some old Jews in our car. They had food, so from time to time they threw something to us. An old stout lady was sitting there, surrounded by  mattresses, and I hid there, among the mattresses.

We all arranged to get off the train somewhere in the shunting depot and to meet at a certain time the next day near Smolny. Eleven of us kept the appointment, out of the 16 who had escaped.  The other five were caught and taken off the train. They were probably sent to  prison. We arrived in Leningrad in January 1945. The war was still on, but the blockade had already been broken. When I got there, my aunt had already left and our flat was occupied by someone else. I had nobody. I spent the first night at the Moscow railway station. And then I was taken to the flat by Roza Mutovkina – my girl-friend, with whom I escaped from Barnaul.

We were called to the Big House (the State Security Authority). They told  that they would send all of us back and put us all in prison. But instead then they sent us to the FZO [factory-and-works school] and left us alone.  It was 1945. Our documents and belongings were all in Barnaul, so  I had to get new documents. My original documents stated my name as  Frida Israilevna. For the new documents I decided to change my first name and patronimic, because both in the orphanage and in vocational school I had had a lot of problems because I was a Jew. I told them that I was Aizman Irina Georgievna, a Russian, in order for them to register me as a Russian. Since then, everyone I know has called me Irina Georgievna. Only my closest relatives know my real name, but they, too, call me Irina. The factory school was attached to the “Svetlana” plant . We lived in barracks belonging to this plant.  I worked at “Svetlana” from 1945 until 1981, when I retired. I worked as a turner. Then I needed money – so I worked on a machine that refined mercury. It was probably the only machinelike it in the Soviet Union. It was brought from America.

Up to 1948 I lived in a hostel, and in 1948 those who wanted were given little rooms in wooden Finnish houses in Levashovo [near Leningrad]. From there we commuted quite a distance each morning to get to the plant, but on the other hand I had my own quarters.  I got married and gave birth to two children there, and  the four of us lived in this little room.

It was in Levashovo that I met my first husband, Grigory Grigorievich Kutakhov, whom I married in 1948. Born in 1911, he was Russian by nationality, born and bred in Leningrad. All his ancestors had been born in Leningrad. He worked as a motor mechanic. He was an anti-Semite but loved me and maintained very warm relations with my relatives. I lived with him for 22 years.  In the late 1960s, my husband was in  an accident. He was sick for a year and a half and died in 1970.

We had two children. Our the eldest son, Anatoly, was born in 1949. He is an engineer. His wife, Natasha, is Russian. They have two sons. The eldest, Alyosha, graduated from the Medical Institute and is a doctor. The second son, Tymofey, is studying at the Polytechnic Institute. He is 17. My second son, Leonid, was born in 1951. He is an engineer. His wife, Tanya, is also Russian.  She is a hospital nurse. They have two children – Mashenka and Andryusha.

In 1952 I was allotted a room in the wooden house measuring 17 square meters. It was only in 1957 that I was allotted a room in a communal flat in Leningrad – 18 square meters. Four  families – 15 souls – like in this communal flat. We lived in a good way, peacefully, our relations with one another were very good.

In 1971 I remarried. My second husband’s name is Mikhail Erofeevich Voinov. He was born in 1925 in Ukraine, in the Chernigovskaya region. For his entire working life, until he retired, he  worked at the Kirovsky Plant as a motor mechanic. He is a Ukrainian, but he had a relative named Mikhail Isaacovich [i.e., a Jew]. Misha has a high respect to people, he is very learned and has  a very good personality.

[Irina Georgievna Vojnova lives with her husband, Mikhail Voinov, in a small, cozy flat. Their children and grandchildren have their own homes but maintain close relations with them. In their flat everything is neat and clean. In the room on the wall hangs a big portrait of Sergey Esenin.

Irina Georgievna is75. She is short and neatly dressed;  she looks very good. She gets up at 8 o’clock each morning. Irina Georgievna is a very charming woman who enjoyed my visit.
She was eager to answer my questions. She wants very much for  the memory of her relatives to be preserved. Except for those photos that she held most dear, she gave me her pictures without wanting them to be returned, in hopes that we would be able to preserve them better than she could.]

Iosif Shubinsky

Iosif Shubinsky
Kiev
Ukraine
Interviewer: Ella Orlikova
Date of Interview: December 2001


Of all of my forefathers I only knew about my great-grandfather, but I never met him. His name was Meyer Shubinsky, and he was born at the beginning of the 19th century. He was a tailor. I think he was rich because he owned two houses and a cow. He had eight children: Tevye, Nuchem, Godl, Mosya, my grandfather Kopl, Sureh-Leah, Avram and Chaya.

The oldest son, Tevye, was born around 1830. He lived in the village of Talny near Uman. He got married there and had children. The second son was Nuchem. He was two years younger than Tevye, so he must have been born around 1832. I know that he was a cantor, and when he was praying, people from other synagogues would come to hear him. He had two children. The next son was Godl, who had two children, then came Mosya and then Kopl, my grandfather, who was born around 1850. He had a younger sister called Sureh-Leah. Her husband was called Moishe. He was a tailor and they had children. The youngest son, Avram, was a retail trader. Then there was another daughter, Chaya, but I never met her and don't know anything about her.

I would like to tell you about my grandfather Kopl's family. His eldest son was called Chaim. He was born around 1871. He had three children, who moved to America after the Revolution of 1917 1. Three years ago I got a letter saying that his eldest son is still alive. I was surprised. He is older than me - and still alive. Then my grandparents had a daughter, Golda, born in 1875, whose photo I still have. His next son was my father, Veniamin Leib, born in 1876. After him came another daughter, Chaya-Rukhl, born in 1877. She also moved to America, and her son still lives there today. She divorced her husband. Then there was another daughter, Riva, born in 1882, who was single and died when she was young. The next child was Nuchem, born in 1885, who stayed in Zvenigorodka and was killed by the Germans. In a picture I have you can see his daughter with a cigarette. She was also killed by the Germans: she looked out of the window and was shot. And finally there was Avram, the youngest son, born in 1889. That's the generation of my family that I remember.

My great-grandfather owned two houses, which stood next to each other. Between them there was a barn where horses could be kept. He left these two houses to two of his sons. My grandfather Kopl lived in one house and his older brother Mosya in the other. My grandfather was very poor. He set up a hotel in his house. In Ryzhanovka people didn't work during the week, but had fairs on Thursdays. So visitors came to the fair and stayed at my grandfather's hotel. He also cooked for them and thus earned his living. The entrance to the hotel wasn't from the street, but through the barn. There was one big room and two small rooms. There was hardly any furniture in the house. The big room was furnished with a table and long benches. My grandmother lived in one of the small rooms, so there must have been a bed or something in that room, but there was nothing else. I remember jugglers who came to the fair on Thursdays. One of them was from China. He stayed at my grandfather's hotel. An organ-grinder also stayed at his place. He had a street-organ that only played one song: 'Oh, Marusya, oh Marusya'.

All people in our family spoke Yiddish. There were many Jews in the village, but I don't remember them because we moved to Zvenigorodka when I was four. We only visited my grandfather in later years. There was a synagogue in Ryzhanovka; or maybe even two. All the Jews lived downtown, while the Russians lived on the outskirts of town. There were stores downtown and a trading square in the area where my grandfather lived. There was a tavern in the middle of the square that looked like a hall. Weddings took place there. There was a lot of dirt in the streets. After the rain it was impossible to walk in the street.

I remember my aunt Chaya-Rukhl's wedding. My grandmother was already ill. So, from our house to that tavern, where the wedding took place - it was around 200 meters - she was taken by sledge because she couldn't possibly walk through all the dirt. The dirt reached our knees! In those times young people who got married always had a chuppah - a traditional Jewish wedding ceremony under a canopy. The main participant of the ceremony was the rabbi who lead the ceremony. He gave a glass of wine to the groom, then to the bride, and then this glass was broken, which symbolized happiness. Then, when the groom put a ring on his bride's finger, he said one sentence: 'Rey akt mekadeshes li...', which means 'You will be my wife' in Yiddish. This is the official part of the ceremony. It is followed by a non- official part - the wedding feast. There was no orchestra in Ryzhanovka. There were only Jewish bands - klezmer musicians. It happened so that two weddings took place at the same time. The better klezmer musicians played at one wedding, and the worse ones at ours. There was a tradition that klezmer musicians were paid separately for each dance. For instance, if you wanted to dance a waltz, you ordered your waltz and paid them immediately. Klezmer musicians were interested in playing at richer weddings where they could earn more. However, my uncle Chaim was witty. He put three rubles on the floor, slightly covered them with his cap and went to talk to the chief klezmer musician. He said, 'Look, go play at this wedding! Don't you see - these are rich people, they throw money on the floor'. And thus he enticed them. All the guests at the wedding were Jews. They were all relatives. They married their relatives and came together again at the wedding. So, our weddings were purely Jewish.

Our neighbors were on good terms with us. A Ukrainian family lived next to my grandfather's house. They had a garden, and every time they collected fruit, they shared some with my grandfather. They were very good neighbors. I remember one landowner had a lot of cherry trees in his garden. So his wife would go around the village in a cart and throw cherries to everyone she saw, especially little children.

My father had many different professions. When he was young he visited the United States. One of his relatives, who also went by the name of Veniamin, moved to America after a pogrom 2 in Odessa, and sent an invitation for my father to come and join him there. In America, he owned a chocolate factory and a factory manufacturing wallpaper. My father worked at the latter one. He spent two and a half years in America; then he returned to Ryzhanovka. Later, after he got married, he moved to Zvenigorodka, opened a confectionary shop and manufactured wafers. He made wafers with his own hands. He made a mixture of flour, eggs and milk. Then he poured this mixture into two presses and closed them. Beneath the presses stood two big Primus stoves, which heated the presses. After enough heating, the hot wafers were taken out and processed on the table.

My mother's name was Etl Aronovna Shubinskaya, nee Upendik. She was born in Zvenigorodka in 1887. My father was eleven years older than her. He died in Kazakhstan during evacuation in 1945. They had three children: I was born on 14th January 1907 and the eldest son; one year later, in 1908, my brother Meyer was born; he was killed at the front. and in 1911 my sister Sonya, or Bidona followed. Sonya lives in America. She moved there in 1989.She recently celebrated her 90th birthday. It's amazing, I have lately paid attention to the fact that we probably have some special genes in us - we all live very long. My uncle Godl, whom I've already mentioned, lived for 100 years - he died exactly at the age of 100. My aunt Golda lived for 90 years. My mother died when she was 86, but she was ill; she had cancer. I will also turn 100 soon - in about five years.


I was four years old when we moved from Ryzhanovka to Zvenigorodka in 1911. We bought a house with grandfather Aron. I know that they didn't have enough money, so they borrowed money from their friend, a barber.

The house was nice and new. It was located on the outskirts of town, near the Russian cemetery. But there was a big square not far from it, even though it was at the end of town and only Russians lived there. The house was made of clay. It was nothing special, but nice.

The roof was made of iron. The house was divided into two. Both had two rooms and a kitchen. My father experienced both good and bad times. For some time we lived with my uncle Chaim; but then he was killed in Zvenigorodka ghetto in 1942. I remember Zvenigorodka very well. I remember that the furniture in our place wasn't very luxurious, but it included everything we needed: beds, chairs, tables, etc. My mother cooked in pots. There was a big oven, in which we baked bread for the whole week. There was a well in the yard. Every day we would fetch water from there - first the adults, and later, when I was older, I.

My father was very religious. He prayed every day. He attended the synagogue. He also fasted when it was necessary. My father kept every rule, every tradition. Every Saturday, when he went to the synagogue, he took me with him. Since he wasn't allowed to carry anything in his hands on Saturday, I carried his tallit. When I turned 13, my younger brother accompanied my father to the synagogue. We weren't allowed to carry anything in our pockets either, according to the Jewish tradition, that's why we would tie our handkerchiefs around our necks. In America, however, my father embraced some secular manners as well. He could speak English after spending more than two years there even though he wasn't really educated. But people often came to ask his advice when they were in need to know how to deal with the one or the other situation in life.

My father played the trombone. He wasn't a musician though. My mother sang; she had a wonderful voice. She mostly sang Jewish songs. By the way, she sang songs I rarely hear any more today. My brother played the mandolin. My sister couldn't sing at all.

My mother's parents lived with us. My grandmother's name was Hannah- Riva Barabash and my grandfather's Aron Mendelevich Upendik. They both died around 1928: my grandmother died first and two weeks later my grandfather passed away.

Grandfather Aron worked as a glasscutter all his life. He would go around villages and offer his services to people. He made special stretchers to carry glass to the place where it was cut. Cutting glass is hard work.

My mother was a very good cook. Her mother taught her. My grandfather's sister-in-law was a specialist when it came to cooking: she cooked for every wedding or any other celebration for which something delicious had to be cooked. She was the one who taught women to cook all kinds of different tasty things. The best dish was sweet-and-sour roast meat.

And here's how we celebrated Pesach. First of all, just like all other Jews, we burnt chametz, that is, we burned all food leftovers that had leaven in them and began to only eat matzot.

In Ryzhanovka we baked matzot at home - we made thin dough from flour and water, put it on baking trays and into the oven. The process of matzah-baking was the better holiday for young people in our village than Pesach as such. Usually, all the young people from the village gathered at our house and made a lot of matzot - 20-30 kg of matzos, much more than people make now. Now they only buy one or two kilograms, while in those times they would buy dozens of kilograms. So, first the youth would gather in our house, then in another house, then in yet another house - they would go around the village singing songs and celebrating. We held the tradition to celebrate all holidays with the whole village. On Easter Ukrainians would treat us to their delicious cakes; on Pesach we treated everyone to matzot. It was a lot of fun. In Zvenigorodka, however, there was a special machine that made matzot, so there we began to buy matzah rather than bake it ourselves.

There were four synagogues in Zvenigorodka, but there were a lot of Jews. There are very few Jews left now. My wife's sister and her husband still live in Zvenigorodka, and they say one synagogue has been given back to them. But in Ryzhanovka no Jews are left at all. The synagogue in this village was very beautiful, with many decorations... It was small but beautiful, especially inside. The other synagogues were large.

I remember how synagogues were destroyed under the Soviet rule [see struggle against religion] 3. Komsomol 4 members would march and sing: 'Away with rabbis and priests, we will climb into the heaven and scatter all gods...'

I never walked with them; I never joined the Komsomol. I was more drawn to my Jewry. My father was religious and I was a believer, too. I also attended the synagogue and prayed. Usually, we wore the same clothes as the people around us, only when we went to the synagogue we always wore hats or caps. I remember well the ceremony when I turned 13, my bar mitzvah. The ceremony was held at my uncle's, my mother's brother.

His official name was Mendl, just like my great-grandfather, but we all called him Zeidl. His name was changed in his childhood. When he was still a boy, his nose was often bleeding. His parents took him to a rabbi. The rabbi said, 'Don't call him Mendl any more, call him Zeidl. And put a little key around his neck'. They put a key around his neck and began to call him Zeidl - and he stopped bleeding. I don't know why - whether it was due to the key, or his new name, or if it just stopped in general - but fact is his nose stopped bleeding.

After he got married, he and his wife began to invite people to pray at their house; they got together for a minyan. This was a tradition back then when it was too difficult to go to the synagogue: Jewish people would pray in somebody's house. But they could only pray if ten men gathered; if there were only nine it wasn't allowed to pray, according to the tradition. But if there were nine Jewish men, they were allowed to even take a Russian man in order to be ten.

When I turned 13 and had to undergo that special ceremony to come of age and read a section of the Torah I didn't go to the synagogue, but to that minyan. There I read my part from the Torah. And everybody liked it a lot. After most people left, the hostess laid the table and treated me to dinner. I even remember that she gave me vodka to drink - that's how impressed she was with my reading. I didn't know Hebrew at the time. I could only pray in Hebrew a little, but I couldn't really read or speak it. Most of my life I dealt with the Slavic philology.

Under the Soviet power I couldn't be involved in the study of the Hebrew language. But without reading and understanding the Torah, the Bible, one cannot understand writers, architects, or artists... For example, a certain artist has made illustrations for the whole Bible. If I look at his picture from the Bible 'Return of a Prodigal Son', I can see that it's nice, but what does it mean? What son is he talking about? Why is he prodigal? In order to learn all of this, I began to read the Bible. And I got so interested in it that I didn't just read the Bible, I even began to study the Bible after I retired. And I also learned Hebrew.

So, in Zvenigorodka I began to go to school. I entered a two-year Jewish school. We were taught in Yiddish there, but nothing Jewish was taught. I learnt the ABC; I was eight or nine years old. Then one more year was added to the school, so I finished three years there. That's all, I had no other chance to study there any more - the Revolution took place; gangs 5 were all around. However, I had a great desire to study. For some time, a very short time, I studied at vocational courses, but then a special 'Worker's Department' [rabfak] 6 was opened and I studied there for some time. I studied and worked as a barber at the same time. Then I worked as a watchmaker. And then I moved to Kiev.

I was 16-17 years old. Many people were unemployed at that time, and there were special employment agencies in towns and cities. In Zvenigorodka there was no industry. There were three mills, one factory and a meat plant, if I'm not mistaken. The rest of the people worked as shoemakers. There was no place to work. Five to six kilometers outside town there was a watermill. It stood idle, but it had to be guarded. So, the employment agency offered me that job. I agreed. For some time I worked there. Then I worked as a barber in the central barber's shop.

One of my friends gave me a gift - a guitar. I wanted to learn to play the guitar very much, but I didn't know how or with whom. So I began to learn it on my own and I managed to play some songs soon. Then I met a girl who asked me if I wanted to buy a mandolin that used to belong to her brother. He had moved away and left it in her possession. I was saving money for a pair of pants at the time. So, I was facing a choice: should I spend my money on a mandolin or on a pair of pants? I bought the mandolin. I had no spare pants, but I had a mandolin. I played my mandolin, gave my guitar to my friend Kostya and we played together. Then we joined an orchestra and played with it. We performed in a club, playing waltzes and other dances. Sometimes we even played outside, in a big square and many people gathered around to listen to us.

Kostya - his full name was Konstantin Yuryev - was my best friend. His family belonged to the sect of Old Believers who combined traditions of Christian Orthodoxy and Judaism. They believed the Orthodox Church was no longer pure Christianity, while they did their best to maintain religious purity according to their understanding, so they always tried to stick to their own and live in their own communities. The Russian authorities hated them and often made raids in their villages. My friend's family lived across the square from us, so we could see one another from afar. I also had other friends, the Chudnovskies, for instance. I was a calm person. I had a lot of friends.

I was very interested in books. I would read about something interesting and then share it with my friends - and they got interested in it, too. We didn't have a lot of books at home, only a few. We read books from the library. Our club used the central library in the city. I also knew a lot of anecdotes and funny stories. My friends loved to listen to me telling them. For instance, we would go to a concert in the city garden to watch some performance. Then I would have to go home, passing by a cemetery. Not everyone would go to the outskirts, where I lived, especially not near the cemetery. People were afraid of it. But I would tell anecdotes to my friends on my way home and they were glad to walk me home. Kostya was my best friend. He felt at home at my house, and I felt at home at his house. When I talked with Kostya, I would speak Russian. When he came over to me he would speak Yiddish. Later, he knew Yiddish very well because he spent a lot of time in our house and heard Yiddish every day.

I remember how the Soviets came to power. First we had a temporary government. We had a Russian teacher at school, Zhakov. He organized a manifestation. He went to the second floor of the post office, went out on the balcony and talked to people. The crowd listened to him attentively. I don't remember what he was saying, but I remember how he took a portrait of the tsar, tore it to pieces and threw it over the balcony.

Then terrible things began to happen. The Bolsheviks came; Denikin's 7 soldiers came; Petliura's 8 soldiers came and then some rebels came to our village, too. It was horrible. All the time we had to hide from everyone in basements because of the shooting. I remember I was recovering from typhus when Denikin's soldiers came to our village. One of them came to our house, stood over me with a hand grenade and wanted to throw it at me. My father stood between us. The soldier hit him with a rifle or something, and my father fell down. I think I will never forget this incident.

Every time the government and the power changed, we knew we'd better go into hiding. For instance, one of our Russian neighbors came to our house and sought for weapons. We certainly had none. He couldn't steal anything from us, so he decided to break our gates - it was all he could do to harm us. One time Petliura's soldiers came and knocked at our door yelling, 'Open the door!'. In the window we could see that those were soldiers, so my uncle jumped out of the window on the other side of the house, went to Petliura's officers and brought them to our house. The officers looked like decent people. They talked to their soldiers and took them away. We had a neighbor, who spoke fluent Ukrainian, and once she went and talked to the soldiers and they just left. The neighbor was Jewish but she spoke fluent Ukrainian because she lived in the village. So, all in all, there were different experiences. Another time, when Denikin's soldiers attacked our village, an old man, the father of the famous Jewish singer Khromchenko - thought he could talk to them and reach some agreement. [Khromchenko, Solomon (1907-2002): famous Ukrainian born Jewish singer. Soloist in Kiev and later in Moscow's Bolshoi Theater; taught at the State Musical Pedagogical Institute. In 1991 Khromchenko repatriated to Israel, where he continued both his singing and teaching activities.] We all hid, while he went out to talk to them, but they took him to the wall of our house and shot him. Every regime brought more victims. Representatives of the Soviet power came to every village and town, demanding gold, money, food... It was easier for us, workers, at that time. I was also working then, combining my studies and work. I got used to it.

My parents didn't care. They only wanted their life to be quiet and comfortable. They never got involved in politics, they didn't know how to deal with it. My grandfather read a lot of newspapers though and insisted that the Bolsheviks were the best because they were against the war. Well, that was his understanding, but neither he nor anyone else from our family got involved in politics.

I remember the famine 9 of the 1930s. My father was swollen up due to starvation; I was starving, too; everybody was starving. We thought it was easier to live in Kiev because it was possible to find jobs there. In Zvenigorodka, let alone in Ryzhanovka, it was too hard to find a job. So, we moved from Zvenigorodka to Kiev. The situation there was also very difficult. For instance, my father got a salary, bought a loaf of bread with this money, but on his way home this loaf of bread was stolen from him and he came home with nothing. It was a real tragedy. Certainly, we were all starving.

This was in 1932. It was hard to find work in Kiev, but we had to find an apartment. We settled in a house on Novo-Prozorovskaya Street, in the area of Vladimirsky market. It was a private house made from stables. Many apartments were made from former stables and then given out to rent. So, we lived in one of those. We occupied one room: we slept, cooked, and ate in this one room. There were several people living in this one room: my father, mother, brother, my sister with her husband, and I. Sonya's husband Grisha Varenburg served in the army and as soon as he returned from the army they got married. He worked as a barber from his early childhood.

I couldn't find any job first, but finally I found work at a tailor's shop. I was a simple worker there; helped put material in neat horizontal rows. I worked there for six months and then I entered university. Of course, I didn't enter university immediately. After the tailor's shop was closed, I was looking for another job. I went to the plant that manufactured fire extinguishers. I couldn't work there for a long time because it was very hard work. At the same time, my brother was working at a disinfection station. He worked as a paramedic. One day he offered me to come and work with him. So I went there and worked as a barber. This station was located very far, almost at the other end of the city, which is why I was given a room to live in that area. So, my brother and I lived and worked there. But I wanted to study. One day I went and got registered at the library. I began to read books. Soon, I was asked to help some workers with finding books and thus I became a librarian at that station. Soon after that I entered the Library Institute. It used to be called Kharkov Institute of Journalism, but later it was renamed Library Institute and yet later - All-Ukrainian Institute of Communist Enlightenment. Anyway, my diploma is equal to the diploma of a teacher.

When I studied at university, especially from 1934 to 1937 [during the so-called Great Terror] 10, people were arrested practically every day. Almost all of our teachers were arrested. But we believed that everything was justified. We were sure of that and therefore didn't protest. Moreover, there were many married couples at university, and many wives denied their arrested husbands. They said, 'If he is like that, I don't need him!'.

I joined the Communist Party when I was in the army. There were many people who didn't join the party. I studied at that university for some time, but I received my diploma from the Pedagogical Institute.

When I graduated, so-called 'buyers' came to select workers for their institutions. That's when I was selected to work at the department of manuscripts in the library of the Academy of Sciences of Ukraine. I had never even dreamt about it! You can't even imagine the place I worked at. It was so interesting there that every day I would go to work as if it was the cinema. Every day I would learn something new. I was working on the subject of Russian philology back then. I remember, before I studied at university, I didn't like working, I only liked reading. When I was a barber, I always hated it when clients came.

There were many Jews who came to Kiev from other cities and small towns. But everyone treated them nicely. There were a lot of mixed marriages, nobody thought of nationality at the time.

My father worked as a glass-cutter at the Physiology Institute. My mother was a housewife. My brother Meyer attended some medical vocational courses in Zvenigorodka, then worked in the hospital under the leadership of the well-known doctor Shmigelsky. By the way, Shmigelsky had a Jewish wife.

My brother worked as a nurse. Then he moved, after Doctor Sigalov took him as his assistant. When World War II broke out, my brother had a special red paper in his military ticket, which meant that at the first call-up he should come to the military enlistment and registration committee. He went there before any call-up. He was assigned to a military unit on the second day of the war [see Great Patriotic War] 11. We never saw him again. Neighbors told us he had come to say goodbye, but we weren't home. In May 1941 he got married. His wife went into evacuation; she was a teacher. After returning from evacuation she fought with us for our apartment, so we didn't communicate with her much afterwards. I think she got married again. My sister Sonya worked at a sewing factory. Then she got married and worked as a manicurist at the same place where her husband worked. Then they moved to America. She has a daughter and grandchildren. She even has a great-granddaughter.

When I was young I had some love affairs, of course. In Zvenigorodka my friend Kostya had a cousin, Marusya Kovalyova. She was a very nice girl. We would often get together, take our instruments and celebrate holidays at her house. We mainly celebrated Russian holidays. I remember we played a lot, but I don't remember anybody dancing. We also sang songs there. And we drank vodka. We never got drunk, we just drank a bit. In Kiev I had a girl-friend, whom I met accidentally in Zvenigorodka. I came to visit, and she came to visit there as well. She was a very nice and interesting girl. Once our book club had a picnic in the forest and we had a guest, a well-known critic called Adelgeim. I invited my girl-friend to this picnic, and he enticed her. He began dating her, so I dropped her.

I continued to study music on my own. I had a record-player at home. One time I was buying records and met my neighbor, Grisha Boginsky. He asked me, 'Where are you going?' I said, 'Home'. He said, 'Wait, let's go to this house, there are interesting girls there. I will introduce you to them'. I said, 'Fine, but what about my records?' He said, 'No problem, take them with you'. So, we went to that house. There were two young girls: a blond and a brunette. I was introduced to them and suddenly I said, 'Wait a second, you are Fayerstein'. I was right: she was my far relative from Zvenigorodka. Her first name was Eva. She was eleven years younger than me. I took her out. But first I asked, 'Oh, what about my records?' She said, 'You can leave them here'. So I left my records at her house and came by the next day, as if to pick them up. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I married her in 1939. There was no wedding ceremony; we simply went to the registration office and began to live together as husband and wife. In those times people often did just that.

Eva worked at a Jewish collective farm 12 in Zvenigorodka. She came to Kiev to do accountancy courses. She didn't finish those courses: she was working and studying at the same time. Anyway, we got married. By the way, here's a good example of ethnic relations. Her father had a cousin who married a Russian peasant woman. They had children, grandchildren; then they died. Many years later I went to Zvenigorodka on vacation. One time my wife's sister came over. She told us that a man had come from the village of Volyntsi and heard that her last name was Fayerstein. He asked her, 'Is your last name Fayerstein?' She replied, 'Yes'. He said, 'In our village we also have Fayersteins'. My father-in-law said when he heard this story: 'To tell you the truth, it was my cousin who married a Russian girl and who lived in Volyntsi'. Later, we had a whole family from Volyntsi coming over to meet us. We also learned that there were Fayersteins in other villages: Shpol and Morinets. They only changed the name Fayerstein to Farstein - it was easier for them to pronounce it that way. One time a young man from Shpol came, who also came from a family of Farsteins. He explained to us that his grandfather was still called Fayerstein. This young man got married and came to live in my apartment for two years - he studied at university, but stayed at my place even after his graduation.

When I got married we began to rent an apartment on Novo-Prozorovsky Street, across from my parents'. The street was so narrow that I felt both living at home and living with my wife. We had no kitchen, so we cooked on a Primus stove. We had a small corridor, where we cooked. My wife worked at a secret construction site on Zhukov Island. I worked at the Academy of Sciences. Our life was fine. On 22nd June, at 6am, we heard shooting. We went outside. A son of our neighbor, who had just come home from the army, said, 'Oh, these are training maneuvers!' Later, when I came to work, I saw a piece of a shell - this shell had exploded somewhere near the Bolshevik Plant and one of my colleagues had taken a piece from it.

We worked on Sundays. It was hard. We often worked on Saturdays and Sundays. I had a radio for some time, but according to the Soviet law I had to turn it in to the authorities. I remember I took it there, but before I gave it away, I was able to listen to Molotov 13 and Stalin, who announced the war. There was no panic; people were simply worried. Then I was called up. I came to the military enlistment committee and was sent to the ammunition warehouse. I worked there for two weeks. We loaded weapons. We left Kiev when the Germans were already very close. My wife went with me. We made two backpacks out of sacks, put them on our backs and went on foot. I remember crossing the bridge across the Dneper. We walked on foot, all the time. We stopped at Glukhov. My wife ate with me. I simply sat her down at my table, and my colleagues didn't object. So she stayed with us. Later I gave her a special paper that proved that she was the wife of a soldier and gave her the right to evacuate. I had no rank at the time. I was just a soldier. There was a group of workers of the Academy of Sciences, who were taught some things about fighting. We learned lubricating oil materials. We were taught by General Yakshin. We were joking that after the Academy of Sciences we entered the Academy of Yakshin.

We retreated and learned at the same time: during the day we retreated, at night we learned. Well, I can't say it was real studying. Anyway, we finished the course and I got my rank as junior lieutenant.

I became commander of a rifle platoon and was sent to Kursk region. The commander of a company was killed and I had no idea what to do! Anyway, since I was sent there, I had to do something. So I went to that company. The soldiers were asleep because it was nighttime. I asked, 'Is anyone here?' An assistant was there. I asked, 'Do you have a list of some sort?' He said, 'No, just these guys, the rest have been killed...'. It was total chaos, nobody knew anything. In the morning an attack started. We began to attack. And I knew nothing, absolutely nothing: who should go where and how. But I went into attack and my platoon followed. I didn't even know who exactly was in my platoon. We came to our destination at dawn. Firing began - the Germans were firing. It didn't last long, only for about 30 minutes. I was wounded very soon. First I didn't even feel it; I only felt warmth. I put my hand to the place that felt warm and saw something red. I realized it was blood and decided to retreat. I saw that other soldiers were retreating as well. The sun was shining and it was frosty.

The Germans occupied a school building and could easily see everything we did. We were crawling. Suddenly one of our soldiers said, 'Do you have matches?' I said, 'No, I don't smoke'. He searched his pockets and found some matches; then he set some hay on fire. The smoke from the fire helped us crawl further. We only heard the sound of flying bullets. I had a winter hat that was tied on top. I wanted to tie it under my chin, but my hands were frozen. By the time I had crawled to the commander of the company my hands, ears, nose and feet were frozen. When I reached him he looked at me and said, 'Are you done?' I replied, 'Yes, I am. I'm wounded', whereupon he said, 'Ok, leave'.

I went to the hospital. But I didn't spend too much time there. When I came back, officers from the personnel department asked me, 'Do you speak German?' I replied, 'Yes, but not perfectly'. They said, 'Will you be an interpreter for the platoon?' I said, 'I will'. So, I became an interpreter. One day the chief of the political unit came to our platoon by car. He told me, 'As of tomorrow you will work for me; I'm taking you to work for the division'. So, I got to the division. I was appointed senior instructor of the political unit of the division to work with the troops of the enemy. It was a high position. The same position belonged to Erich Weinert, the famous German poet. [Weinert, Erich (1890-1953): German poet, writer, painter and illustrator; fled from Germany in 1933, fought in the Spanish Civil War in 1937 and was granted asylum in the former Soviet Union. He returned to Berlin in 1946 and continued writing poetry directed against militarism, nationalism and fascism.] In general, such positions belonged to important people.

I was given a pair of horses, a driver, and a mortar. But my mortar didn't fire mines - it fired leaflets. I would take this mortar and go to the front line; it was particularly good to do that at night. I would fire it, making sure that the wind blew in the right direction. I also used a record-player with German records. I went to the Germans and talked to them, calling upon them to give up, to stop shooting at us, etc. Soon, a telegram came from the headquarters that ordered my officers to send me to the headquarters. So, I went to the headquarters of the army. There, all senior instructors from all divisions were gathered for advance training. We spent two months in training. This was in the area of Zhytomyr, Ukraine, around the end of 1943.

There were also courses for German anti-fascists. During these two months we moved to the territory of Poland. We found ourselves in the town of Dembnitsa, which was located near the San River. A count lived in that town. His mansion was given to us for training. We, Soviet soldiers, occupied one half of it, while the German anti- fascists occupied the other half. We often talked to each other and exchanged opinions. We finished our training at the same time as they did. Upon completion we were put in two lines, facing each other. We were told, 'Every instructor should choose a German to work with'. Everyone tried to choose Germans who spoke Russian, so that it would be easier to work with them. But I was looking for a German who wouldn't speak Russian: first of all because that way I would have plenty of German-language practice with him; and secondly, he wouldn't escape. Those who spoke Russian could easily escape, but a German soldier who didn't speak Russian; where would he go? So, I chose young, 18-year-old, Hans, a student. He gave up and claimed he was against the fascists. So, we went to a new unit. I began to work with this German. I dictated letters to him and he wrote them because he could write in German much better than me. We would go to the front line and talk to the Germans. By the way, I wish I had kept my coat, which was full of bullet and shell holes. We would play a record with German songs, and then the Russian song Katyusha, which the Germans liked very much; they even shouted to us to play Katyusha. And then we began to fire at them... with our letters.

Then he would say, 'Your commander, such and such, is leading you to certain death. Stop fighting. The fascists say that the Russians kill their prisoners of war. That's not true. See, I'm German, my name is Hans, and I'm alive and talking to you'. These were the words I dictated to him. One day, our scouts came with five Germans, who had given up after reading our letters. I was awarded a medal for this. One time an officer said at our party meeting, 'What are you looking at? Look at Shubinsky: he had no weapon, but captivated five German soldiers'.

For a long time I knew nothing about my parents. Later I learnt that my parents evacuated from Kiev. They left on their own, without any organization. I knew they were having a bad time at different evacuation destinations. I wrote to many places but couldn't get any certain information about them. I was looking for them for a long time. Only in 1943 I was informed that my parents were in Kazakhstan. My wife also went there. My father died there. But I don't even know where he was buried. There is no cemetery there - a stone was simply put on his grave. Here, in Kiev, I set up a special tombstone for my mother, after she died, and for my father.

There was no anti-Semitism in the army. Only Jews served in the first political department, led by Fux. The chief of the political department, Betkham, was also Jewish. In the second political department I was the only Jew, but in none of these places did I feel anti-Semitism.

Soldiers rarely get a leave during the war, but I was given one. I went to Kiev. My wife was in Kiev already; she stayed at a friend's house. There was no place to live. I was given a room that belonged to one woman, who lived alone in two rooms. She was certainly against us but didn't want to have a lot of trouble, so she agreed to let us stay there. We lived in Stalinka [a district in Kiev]. Later, we changed the room for a basement because our relations with that woman were bad. Our room in the basement was nice but small. We lived on Ulyanovy Street, opposite the polyclinic. We created two rooms in the basement. In the beginning we got constantly flooded from the first floor because our ceiling was partly ruined.

I was elected chairman of the house committee. Every house had such committees to keep order in the house. Once, I had some high officials come visit me. After they climbed down to my basement with great difficulty, they told me they would give me another apartment. They made me number one on the privileged list for apartments. For ten years I remained number one on that list, even though apartments were given to other people. Ten years later, I was offered a new apartment. It wasn't new in the strict sense of the word: somebody lived there but got a better apartment, and I was given this one. But I have to say: it was a good apartment, even if just a communal apartment 14. There were six neighbors: a Russian from Novosibirsk in the first apartment, a Pole in the second, a Ukrainian in the third, a Chinese in the fourth, a Jew in the fifth, and me. Six neighbors of different nationalities, but our relationships were wonderful. Why? Because we hardly spoke to each other.

In the morning I would see one of my neighbors on my way to work and say, 'Good morning'. In the evening I would come home, see another neighbor and say, 'Good night'. That's all, no other relations. We never celebrated holidays together or visited one another. It was wonderful to live that way. But when I received my next apartment, these neighbors came to me and said, 'Now we can tell you that we are sorry you are leaving'. I asked 'Why?' And the answer was: 'Because we were never enemies, but we never were friends either'. However, for instance, when one neighbor's daughter had to write something in English for school, I helped her and she got an excellent mark. Or, take the husband of our Chinese neighbor: he was an artist, but illiterate. Sometimes he had to write inscriptions on tombstones, so I helped him to spell words correctly. I lived 22 years in that communal apartment. It was really close to my workplace, just across the street. Wonderful! But it was still a communal apartment. Afterwards I got a separate apartment in another district of Kiev - Teremki. It was a new district. I received a two-bedroom apartment. It was a wonderful, excellent, quiet place. I couldn't have dreamt of anything better. I lived there for 20 years.

I felt anti-Semitism only when I heard of the Doctors' Plot 15. I worked in the department of manuscripts of the Republican Library, and the chief of department was David Mikhailovich.

There was a Jewish newspaper in America - I think it still exists - called Forverts. Its editor once came to Kiev and visited our department. Usually, when high-ranking officials came, I was always present at the meetings. This wasn't because I was so smart or important, but because my chief worked part-time at a university, and he was mostly occupied there, so he didn't know all the details of what was going on in our department. Therefore he always asked me to be present. That time we talked to the guest, and my chief showed him a manuscript by Gogol 16. It was a large notebook written in Gogol's handwriting. This original was of great historical value. After we talked, the guest left. Soon, the director summoned the chief of my department. When he returned, he said that there was a rumor that one of us wanted to sell this manuscript to that American guest for money. It was a very unpleasant story. A similar story happened to me, when I was accused of taking an original from the library. It took a very long time to clarify things, and I realized that there was some reason behind it all.

During the first war in 1956 in Israel, I heard my new chief of department saying, 'I wish I could go and shoot a few Jews'. That's when I felt anti-Semitism. And he was an invalid - he had lost his leg in the war.

I remember the Jewish Cabinet of the Academy of Sciences. It existed until 1948. I knew its workers Spivak and Loitsker, very well. I often went there to listen to the best Jewish actors - Anna Guzik and others. Spivak was a highly educated man, a corresponding member of the Academy of Sciences. Nevertheless, he was killed in 1949. Litsker was imprisoned but then released. He couldn't find a job, so we wanted to take him to our department. But my Jewish boss was against it. He said, 'We are two Jews here - why do we need a third one?' Such things happened as well.

After the war my wife worked as a bookkeeper in a food store. She worked there until her retirement.

Our son Boris was born in 1948. My wife and I always spoke Yiddish to one another, and my mother always spoke Yiddish to her grandson. He was a good boy and a good friend of his grandmother. He is a mathematician now; he graduated from university, then finished some computer courses and now his work deals with computers. He supports Jewish traditions in his family.

My grandson Zhenya lives in Israel. He graduated from Jerusalem University. He served in the Israeli army and upon completion of his service he was offered to stay in the army. He has some rank there now. So my family is scattered around the world. My wife's sister remained in Zvenigorodka, while her grandson lives in Israel.

My wife Eva died in 1985. Since then I've been living alone. My son would come visit me and cook. But gradually I realized I couldn't take care of myself any more. Then I got ill and was taken to hospital. So, we decided to unite with my son's family.

I devoted all my life to Russian and Slavic manuscripts: Russian writers such as Gogol and Turgenev 17, Ukrainian writers, descriptions of autographs of Ukrainian writers starting from the end of the 10th century and up to the middle of the 19th century.

Was only Gogol anti-Semitic? What about Pushkin 18? What about Chekhov 19? Once Sholem Aleichem 20 wrote something and asked Chekhov to review this work, but Chekhov refused. Leo Tolstoy 21 and Korolenko 22 were real Russian intelligentsia. Every nation has good and bad people.

The manuscripts that I was accused of selling, were actually transferred to a secret storage place. They may well have been destroyed. I only know there were manuscripts by Sholem Aleichem, typed, with his remarks. It was a greeting card with an invitation to dinner. It said, 'I invite you to dinner, to eat gefilte fish'. From 1949 to 1990, nobody studied Jewish manuscripts in the Academy of Sciences, and that's 50 years. Once there was a man called Epstein, who studied them. I remember him because I helped him: he wanted to measure the length of the Torah scroll, so we put it on the floor and measured it. But after Epstein nobody ever studied them! Sometimes people turned to me with questions, but not in our department. I was once invited to the Central Archive. They found two manuscripts and didn't know what they were. I went over there and looked at them. There was one small book. I opened it and closed it almost at once. They asked, 'So, you don't know what it is?' I said, 'Yes, I know what it is'. When I opened it, I saw gallows and dead bodies on them. So I said, 'It is Megilat Esther. And this other piece I need to read some more'. I read it and it turned out to be a section from the Torah. That was the only case when somebody was interested in Jewish manuscripts.

I retired and began to study them. Before my retirement I couldn't study them. But now I'm very interested in these things: I read the Torah and learn Hebrew words. I'm very glad that Jewish life has lately revived in Kiev. Three synagogues and a kosher cafeteria are operating; there are Jewish programs on TV, where I can learn the news about Jewish life in Ukraine and in Israel. A lot of interesting Jewish newspapers are published as well. It's wonderful that I can buy matzot any time I want. Sometimes a car comes to my house and takes me to Hesed where I spend the whole day, listening to Jewish concerts, watching Jewish movies and just talking to people who are spiritually close to me.


Glossary

1 Russian Revolution of 1917: Revolution in which the tsarist regime was overthrown in the Russian Empire and, under Lenin, was replaced by the Bolshevik rule. The two phases of the Revolution were: February Revolution, which came about due to food and fuel shortages during World War I, and during which the tsar abdicated and a provisional government took over. The second phase took place in the form of a coup led by Lenin in October/November (October Revolution) and saw the seizure of power by the Bolsheviks.

2 Pogroms in Ukraine: In the 1920s there were many anti-Semitic gangs in Ukraine. They killed Jews and burnt their houses, they robbed their houses, raped women and killed children.

3 Struggle against religion: The 1930s was a time of anti-religion struggle in the USSR. In those years it was not safe to go to synagogue or to church. Places of worship, statues of saints, etc. were removed; rabbis, Orthodox and Roman Catholic priests disappeared behind KGB walls.

4 Komsomol: Communist youth political organization created in 1918. The task of the Komsomol was to spread of the ideas of communism and involve the worker and peasant youth in building the Soviet Union. The Komsomol also aimed at giving a communist upbringing by involving the worker youth in the political struggle, supplemented by theoretical education. The Komsomol was more popular than the Communist Party because with its aim of education people could accept uninitiated young proletarians, whereas party members had to have at least a minimal political qualification.

5 Gangs: During the Russian Civil War there were all kinds of gangs in the Ukraine. Their members came from all the classes of former Russia, but most of them were peasants. Their leaders used political slogans to dress their criminal acts. These gangs were anti-Soviet and anti-Semitic. They killed Jews and burnt their houses, they robbed their houses, raped women and killed children.

6 Rabfak (Rabochiy Fakultet - Workers' Faculty in Russian): Established by the Soviet power usually at colleges or universities, these were educational institutions for young people without secondary education. Many of them worked beside studying. Graduates of Rabfaks had an opportunity to enter university without exams.

7 Denikin, Anton Ivanovich (1872-1947): White Army general. During the Russian Civil War he fought against the Red Army in the South of Ukraine.

8 Petliura, Simon (1879-1926): Ukrainian politician, member of the Ukrainian Social Democratic Working Party, one of the leaders of Centralnaya Rada (Central Council), the national government of Ukraine (1917-1918). Military units under his command killed Jews during the Civil War in Ukraine. In the Soviet-Polish war he was on the side of Poland; in 1920 he emigrated. He was killed in Paris by the Jewish nationalist Schwarzbard in revenge for the pogroms against Jews in Ukraine.

9 Famine in Ukraine: In 1920 a deliberate famine was introduced in the Ukraine causing the death of millions of people. It was arranged in order to suppress those protesting peasants who did not want to join the collective farms. There was another dreadful deliberate famine in 1930-1934 in the Ukraine. The authorities took away the last food products from the peasants. People were dying in the streets, whole villages became deserted. The authorities arranged this specifically to suppress the rebellious peasants who did not want to accept Soviet power and join collective farms.

10 Great Terror (1934-1938): During the Great Terror, or Great Purges, which included the notorious show trials of Stalin's former Bolshevik opponents in 1936-1938 and reached its peak in 1937 and 1938, millions of innocent Soviet citizens were sent off to labor camps or killed in prison. The major targets of the Great Terror were communists. Over half of the people who were arrested were members of the party at the time of their arrest. The armed forces, the Communist Party, and the government in general were purged of all allegedly dissident persons; the victims were generally sentenced to death or to long terms of hard labor. Much of the purge was carried out in secret, and only a few cases were tried in public 'show trials'. By the time the terror subsided in 1939, Stalin had managed to bring both the Party and the public to a state of complete submission to his rule. Soviet society was so atomized and the people so fearful of reprisals that mass arrests were no longer necessary. Stalin ruled as absolute dictator of the Soviet Union until his death in March 1953.

11 Great Patriotic War: On 22nd June 1941 at 5 o'clock in the morning Nazi Germany attacked the Soviet Union without declaring war. This was the beginning of the so-called Great Patriotic War. The German blitzkrieg, known as Operation Barbarossa, nearly succeeded in breaking the Soviet Union in the months that followed. Caught unprepared, the Soviet forces lost whole armies and vast quantities of equipment to the German onslaught in the first weeks of the war. By November 1941 the German army had seized the Ukrainian Republic, besieged Leningrad, the Soviet Union's second largest city, and threatened Moscow itself. The war ended for the Soviet Union on 9th May 1945.

12 Collective farm (in Russian kolkhoz): In the Soviet Union the policy of gradual and voluntary collectivization of agriculture was adopted in 1927 to encourage food production while freeing labor and capital for industrial development. In 1929, with only 4% of farms in kolkhozes, Stalin ordered the confiscation of peasants' land, tools, and animals; the kolkhoz replaced the family farm.

13 Molotov, V. P. (1890-1986): Statesman and member of the Communist Party leadership. From 1939, Minister of Foreign Affairs. On June 22, 1941 he announced the German attack on the USSR on the radio. He and Eden also worked out the percentages agreement after the war, about Soviet and western spheres of influence in the new Europe.

14 Communal apartment: The Soviet power wanted to improve housing conditions by requisitioning 'excess' living space of wealthy families after the Revolution of 1917. Apartments were shared by several families with each family occupying one room and sharing the kitchen, toilet and bathroom with other tenants. Because of the chronic shortage of dwelling space in towns communal or shared apartments continued to exist for decades. Despite state programs for the construction of more houses and the liquidation of communal apartments, which began in the 1960s, shared apartments still exist today.

15 Doctors' Plot: The Doctors' Plot was an alleged conspiracy of a group of Moscow doctors to murder leading government and party officials. In January 1953, the Soviet press reported that nine doctors, six of whom were Jewish, had been arrested and confessed their guilt. As Stalin died in March 1953, the trial never took place. The official paper of the Party, the Pravda, later announced that the charges against the doctors were false and their confessions obtained by torture. This case was one of the worst anti-Semitic incidents during Stalin's reign. In his secret speech at the Twentieth Party Congress in 1956 Khrushchev stated that Stalin wanted to use the Plot to purge the top Soviet leadership.

16 Gogol, Nikolai (1809-1852): Russian novelist, dramatist, satirist, founder of the so-called critical realism in Russian literature, best known for his novel the Dead Souls (1842).

17 Turgenev, Ivan Sergeyevich (1818-1883): Russian writer, correspondent member of the Saint Petersburg Academy of Sciences (1860). Turgenev was a great master of the Russian language and psychological analysis and he had a great influence on the development of Russian and world literature.

18 Pushkin, Alexandr (1799-1837): Russian poet and prose writer, among the foremost figures in Russian literature. Pushkin established the modern poetic language of Russia, using Russian history for the basis of many of his works. His masterpiece is Eugene Onegin, a novel in verse about mutually rejected love. The work also contains witty and perceptive descriptions of Russian society of the period. Pushkin died in a duel.

19 Chekhov, Anton Pavlovich (1860-1904): Russian short-story writer and dramatist. Chekhov's hundreds of stories concern human folly, the tragedy of triviality, and the oppression of banality. His characters are drawn with compassion and humor in a clear, simple style noted for its realistic detail. His focus on internal drama was an innovation that had enormous influence on both Russian and foreign literature. His success as a dramatist was assured when the Moscow Art Theater took his works and staged great productions of his masterpieces, such as Uncle Vanya or The Three Sisters. and also had some religious instruction.

20 Sholem Aleichem (pen name of Shalom Rabinovich (1859-1916): Yiddish author and humorist, a prolific writer of novels, stories, feuilletons, critical reviews, and poem in Yiddish, Hebrew and Russian. He also contributed regularly to Yiddish dailies and weeklies. In his writings he described the life of Jews in Russia, creating a gallery of bright characters. His creative work is an alloy of humor and lyricism, accurate psychological and details of everyday life. He founded a literary Yiddish annual called Di Yidishe Folksbibliotek (The Popular Jewish Library), with which he wanted to raise the despised Yiddish literature from its mean status and at the same time to fight authors of trash literature, who dragged Yiddish literature to the lowest popular level. The first volume was a turning point in the history of modern Yiddish literature. Sholem Aleichem died in New York in 1916. His popularity increased beyond the Yiddish-speaking public after his death. Some of his writings have been translated into most European languages and his plays and dramatic versions of his stories have been performed in many countries. The dramatic version of Tevye the Dairyman became an international hit as a musical (Fiddler on the Roof) in the 1960s.

21 Tolstoy, Lev Nikolayevich (1828-1910): Russian novelist and moral philosopher, who holds an important place in his country's cultural history as an ethical philosopher and religious reformer. Tolstoy, alongside Dostoyevsky, made the realistic novel a literary genre, ranking in importance with classical Greek tragedy and Elizabethan drama. He is best known for his novels, including War and Peace, Anna Karenina and The Death of Ivan Ilyich, but also wrote short stories and essays and plays. Tolstoy took part in the Crimean War and his stories based one the defense of Sevastopol, known as Sevastopol Sketches, made him famous and opened St. Petersburg's literary circles to him. His main interest lay in working out his religious and philosophical ideas. He condemned capitalism and private property and was a fearless critic, which finally resulted in his excommunication from the Russian Orthodox Church in 1901. His views regarding the evil of private property gradually estranged him from his wife, Yasnaya Polyana, and children, except for his daughter Alexandra, and he finally left them in 1910. He died on his way to a monastery at the railway junction of Astapovo.

22 Korolenko, Vladimir (1853-1921): Russian writer and publicist, honorary member of the Petersburg and Russian Academies. His stories and novels are full of democratic and humane ideas; he criticized the revolutionary terror that seized the country after 1917.

Kárpáti György

Életrajz

Én sosem ismertem az apai nagyszülőket. Földművesek voltak. Hetében, ez a falu most is megvan fönn a Nyírségben [Hete: Bereg vm.-i kisközség, 1910-ben 5-600 főnyi lakossal. – A szerk.]. A földet bérelték is, de volt sajátjuk is. Gondolom, gabonát termeltek. Saját házuk volt. Ortodoxok voltak. A nagypapa szakállas, kalapos bácsi volt, és zsidó hitben nevelte az összes gyerekét. Biztosan jártak héderbe, mert az apám tudott olvasni, imádkozni, úgyhogy abszolút zsidók voltak. Mindenki vallásos volt. Kilenc gyerekük volt. Kálmán bácsi, a legidősebb, már 1920-ban meg is halt. Azt mesélték róla, hogy süket volt. Van egy híres történet, hogy Kálmán bácsi az esküvője napján kapott egy pofont a nagypapától, mert szürcsölte a levest. Hat gyereke volt. Nem maradt Hetén, átment Penyigére és Nábrádra, ők ott laktak [Mindkét kisközség Szatmár vm.-ben volt, a 20. század első évtizedeiben Penyigén 700, Nábrádon 900 fő élt. – A szerk.]. Aztán volt a Teri, azok Pusztadoboson [Szabolcs és Ung vm.-i kisközség 1920-ban 1200 főnyi lakossággal. – A szerk.] voltak, aztán a Cili. A Jenő bácsiról van emlékem, mert amikor születtem, tőle kaptam azt a mackót, ami még mindig megvan. Orvos volt, ő volt az egyetlen, akinek nem volt gyereke. A Herman bácsit nagyon jól ismertem. Annak két gyereke volt, a lánya még most is él Amerikában – kedvenc unokatestvérem. Herman bácsi és a felesége és a fiuk meghalt. Mindenki földműves volt Szatmárcsekében [Szatmár-Ugocsa-Bereg vm.-ben lévő nagyközség, 1920-ban 1800 főnyi lakossal. – A szerk.]. Kölcsén is laktak [Kölcse Szatmár vm.-ben lévő kisközség, 1910-ben 1200, 1920-ban 1100 főnyi lakossal. – A szerk.], és Szatmárcsekében egyszer ott nyaraltam náluk gyerekkoromban. Anyám ott maradt velem. És arra emlékszem – akkor 4-5 éves lehettem –, hogy lázas lettem, és akkor az Anni néni egy piros pántlikát kötött a csuklómra rontás ellen, szóval ők amellett, hogy nagyon vallásosak voltak, az ilyen népi babonákban is hittek, jól megfért bennük ez a két gondolat. Volt egy lovam – amire azt mondták, hogy az az én lovam –, azt úgy hívták, hogy Sármány. Herman bácsi meg az apám is, ha rájuk nézünk, a magyar paraszt juthat az eszünkbe: bajuszos, sötét bőrű. Abszolút semmi zsidó nem volt bennük. A Szeréna nénit is jól ismertem, ő kiment Izraelbe, azt hiszem, 1948-ban. Az egyik lánya még mindig él Izraelben. A Dezső bácsit nem ismertem, csak hallottam róla. A Dezső maradt a nagyszülők házában, ő folytatta ott a gazdaságot. Gizi nénit nagyon jól ismertem, ő Debrecenben élt, egy gyereke van, még mindig él Debrecenben. Gizi néninek a férje volt a debreceni hitközség elnöke és ő is földművelő volt. Nyaraltam náluk is többször Debrecenben. Emlékszem, a Jenő bácsi feljárt hozzánk, Debrecenbe a Gizi nénihez mentünk. Emlékszem, mikor az apám hazajött a hadifogságból, odamentünk. Az apám nagyon tartotta kapcsolatot a testvéreivel. A háború után ő mindig mindenkinek segített. Sokan voltak, akik anyagi segítségre szorultak. Ő volt az egyetlen, aki Pestre költözött, és a háború után ő volt a levelezőközpont. Gyöngybetűkkel írta a leveleit, irtó szép kézírása volt.

A legkisebb volt József, az én apám. Ő leérettségizett Munkácson [Munkács – Bereg vm.-ben fekvő város, melynek 1910-ben 17 300, 1921-ben 21 000 lakosa volt. A várost a Galícia felé irányuló kereskedelem – fa, marha, gabona, bor, sör, ásványvizek, gyümölcs – lendítette fel. 1910-ben a város lakosainak 44%-a tartozott az izraelita hitfelekezethez, ez volt a legnépesebb vallási felekezet Munkácson. A város a trianoni békeszerződés értelmében 1919-ben Csehszlovákiához került. – A szerk.]. Utána dolgozott talán Püspökladányban [Hajdú vm.-ben lévő nagyközség, 1920-ban 13 200 főnyi lakossal. – A szerk.], és később aztán a háború előtt tojásbizományos lett. Ami azt jelentette, hogy falun összegyűjtötték a tojásokat, fölküldték Pestre, és ő adta el Pesten. Apám lovas kocsival szállította a tojásokat. Minden hajnalban négykor már kinn volt a nagyvásártelepen, és egy órakor jött haza, kora délután mindig aludt, s négy után kezdett irodai munkát végezni, könyvelt. Eljöttek a pénzért, vitte a pénzt. Én mindig nézhettem azt, amikor ilyen pénzes leveleket föladott, mert azt le kellett ilyen viasszal pecsételni, s az nekem nagyon tetszett. Nem hiszem, hogy jól keresett, de tisztességesen éltek. A legbecsületesebb ember volt, akit ismertem.

Nagyon jól ismertem az anyai nagyszülőket, mert velük együtt éltünk, és 1944-ben végig együtt voltunk. Az, hogy megmaradtunk, az anyai nagyapámnak köszönhető. Az anyai nagypapám egy nagy vagány volt és nagy link. Járai Lajosnak hívták. Járait magyarosította Katzról. Régen magyarosíthatott, mert amikor én már megismertem, már a lányát is úgy hívták, hogy Járai Magdolna, aki 1907-ben született Pesten. Erdélyiek voltak, Járáról valók [Alsójára Torda-Aranyos vm.-ben lévő kisközség. – A szerk.]. Ezért választotta ezt a nevet. A nagyapám is vallásos volt, de nem olyan mértékben, mint az apai nagyapa. Egy héten egyszer jártak templomba. A háború előtt kóser háztartásuk volt. 1960-ban halt meg. Akkor nyolcvan éves lehetett. A nagyapám aznap halt meg, mikor én felvételiztem a filmművészeti főiskolára. Jól emlékszem. Ő meghalt, én meg mentem az írásbelire. Drexler Kamillának hívták a feleségét. És annak a szüleit is ismertem. Kamilla pesti volt. Egy gyerekük volt, a Gitta (Magdolna), az én anyukám.

A háború előtt nem volt saját lakásuk. Vagy albérletben laktak, vagy szállodában. Aztán a háború után vettek egy garzonlakást a Gorkij fasorban, aztán a nagyapám meghalt, a nagyanyám átköltözött a szüleimhez, és én harminc éves voltam, amikor először önálló lakáshoz jutottam. Elég bizonytalan egzisztenciájuk volt, mert Lajos bácsi a háború előtt például járt a Balkánra mint ügynök, és azt hiszem, link üzletei is lehettek. Voltak az életükben jó periódusok, Gödöllőn villájuk is volt, autójuk is volt. Aztán ez ahogy jött, úgy el is ment mindig, minden. De a Gittának mindent megadtak. Gitta polgáriba [lásd: polgári iskola] járt. De aztán a felszabadulás után elvégezte a gyermekgondozói tanfolyamot, és a Corvin Áruház óvodájában dolgozott. Az anyám nagyon magyar volt.

Anyám csinos volt, elegáns volt, de dolgozott. Nem volt egy klasszikus úrinő. A művészethez nagyon jó volt, fantáziája volt, és amikor sárga csillagot kellett hordani, akkor ő sárga farkasfogból és sárga zsinórból csinálta a sárga csillagokat, mert azt mondta, itt arra megy ki a játék, hogy mindenki egyforma legyen. Itt is meg kell hogy különböztessük magunkat. Az anyám mindig azt mondta, hogy lehet, hogy nem ő csinálja a legjobb vacsorákat, de ő a leggyorsabb. Nem volt egy nagy szakácsnő, de jól főzött. Gulyáslevest meg a fánkot kértem mindig a születésnapomon.

A szüleimet összehozták [lásd: házasságközvetítő, sádhen]. Már nem is emlékszem, hogy kicsoda. Nagy szerelem volt. Ha el lehet képzelni két különböző társadalmi környezetből jövő embert… József egy zsidó parasztcsalád legkisebbik gyermeke és Járai Magdolna egy majdhogynem azt mondanám, nagypolgári, de inkább felső középosztály, városi család egyetlen, elkényeztetett lánygyereke volt. És ennél szebb házasságot nem ismertem. Pesten volt az esküvőjük, természetesen zsinagógában, ha jól tudom, ortodoxban. És 1932-ben épült a Szövetség utcai ház, akkor kivették a lakást, és én már ott születtem 1933-ban. Az két szoba, hall, személyzeti. A Havas Bútorgyárnál volt méretre rendelve a gyerekszobabútorom, monogram is volt benne: KG. Volt a hálószoba[bútor], és volt a gyerekszoba[bútor]. Csináltatva volt, de nem olyan nagyon gyerekszobás jellegű. Amikor kicsi voltam, volt egy rácsos ágyam. De aztán lett rekamié, méretre csináltatva. Volt szőnyeg. Volt két szép nagy kép, nemrég adtam el őket. Volt, amikor ott lakott az Erzsi néni velünk, a bejárónőnk. Ő csinált mindent a háztartásban.

A háború előtt, azt hiszem, az „Esti Kurír” [Az „Esti Kurír” délután megjelenő liberális napilap volt, amelyet 1923-ban indított Rassay Károly mint főszerkesztő és Boros László mint szerkesztő. Rassay Károly nevéhez fűződik a Független Kisgazda, Földműves és Polgári Párt (1921), majd a Nemzeti Szabadelvű Párt (1928, 1935-től Polgári Szabadságpárt a neve) megalapítása. – A szerk.]  volt gyakran otthon, de hogy ez járt-e vagy vették, azt nem tudom. És a háború után a „Világ”, azt nagyon olvastuk. Abban volt egy sorozat, a „Mengele boncoló orvosa voltam”, azt olvastuk nagyon. És aztán a nagyapám a „Magyar Nemzet”-re fizetett elő, és az egész addig járt még nekem is, amíg meg nem változtatta a trendet. Nekem nagyon sok gyerekkönyvem volt. És mindig vettünk, kaptam könyveket. Így én sokat olvastam. Az anyám például emlékszem a Geraldy szerelmes verseit olvasta [Paul Géraldyról (1885–1983) van szó, talán a „Te meg én”, magyarul 1925-ben megjelent versciklusról. – A szerk.], Márai volt, Upton Sinclair – ezek az ő könyveik voltak. De ez már a háború után volt.

Apám nagyon vallásos volt. A háború előtt az apám tfilint rakott minden nap. A háború előtt a Bethlen térre járt zsinagógába. Apámnak volt egy zacskója – egy bársony zacskó –, és abban volt a könyve és a tálesze. Nem dolgozott szombaton [lásd: szombati munkavégzés tilalma], de azért, mert szombaton nem volt vásárcsarnok. De azt hiszem, dolgozott volna, ha lehet. És cigarettázott szombaton is. De nagyünnepen nem. Emlékszem, mikor kijöttünk a nagyünnepen, hogy amikor kiment már az ünnep, első dolga volt, hogy rágyújtott. Mindenki böjtölt a családban. A böjttörő vacsora [Böjttörő: az a vacsora, amellyel megtörik, azaz befejezik a 25 órás böjtöt. – A szerk.] mindig nálunk volt, és a nagyszüleim jöttek oda. Az anyámnak is kóser háztartása volt, de a sonkát azt papírtálcáról kaptam, mert azt mondta, hogy azt csak úgy lehet [Éppen azért kapta papírtálcáról, mert az nem volt kóser, és az anyja nem akarta tréfli étellel elrontani a kóser edényeket. – A szerk.]. Anyám gyújtott pénteken gyertyát. Mindig volt szédereste. A háború előttire kevésbé emlékszem. A háború után a nagyanyám tartotta a szédert. Hanukakor volt mindig ajándék. Volt trenderli is. Karácsony nálunk otthon nem volt.

Egy balatoni nyaralásra emlékszem, kicsi voltam, meg egyszer mentünk valami hegyi nyaralásra is. A háború után tanultam meg biciklizni. Az apám tanított meg a Svábhegyen. Ott nyaraltunk a háború után sokat. Arra is emlékszem, hogy első elemista koromban az apám egy délelőtt azt mondta, hogy na, ma ne menjél iskolába, megyünk korcsolyázni. A Márkus jégpályára mentünk, ami a Múzeum körút és a Rákóczi út sarkán volt. Meg kirándultunk hétvégeken egy másik házaspárral. Ők a Népszínház utcában laktak.

Egyszer elvittek a Rózsák terére valamilyen óvodába, de nem hiszem, hogy én ott hosszan voltam. Arra emlékszem, hogy valami színes papírt vágtunk ki. De valami miatt nem jártam oda sokáig. Fräulein járt hozzám, hogy tanuljak németül, de azért tanultam meg németül, mert a nagymamám németül beszélt velem. A Bethlen téri elemibe jártam. Az egy nagyon zsidó iskola volt, nagyon jó iskola volt, szerettem. Az első két osztály volt koedukált, azt hiszem, aztán szétváltak a fiúk meg a lányok. Egyszerre tanultuk az alef-bétet és az ábécét. Hittanóra is volt, és jártunk szombatonként a Bethlen térre. Voltak barátaim, például a Horány Péter, aki még ma is barátom, és hatéves korunk óta együtt jártunk iskolába. Orvosi egyetemre is, és még ma is tartjuk a kapcsolatot. Meg másokkal is. Golyózni jártam a Barát utcába. A Barát utcában ezeket a gyerekeket utcagyerekeknek hívták, és emlékszem, hogy volt köztük olyan gyerek is, aki lócitrommal dobálta a nagyságákat. Ilyet mi nem csináltunk, de nekem nagyon tetszett vagánynak lenni. És minden unokatestvérrel tartottam a kapcsolatot, akivel lehetett.

1940-ben vitték el először apámat, azt hiszem, munkaszolgálatra. Nagyatádra kellett bevonulnia. Nem tudom, hogy ez az első vagy a második eset. De aztán már nagyon nem láttuk. Én mint gyerek csak azt láttam mindenből, hogy nagyon pusmogtak az emberek körülöttem. Hogy bezárkóztak, beszélgettek. És azt az apám tudta, hogy mennie kell majd, és akkor felfogadott egy tornatanárt, és otthon tornázott, hogy ő kellőképpen felkészüljön. És azt hiszem, ez bevált. Hat évig nem láttam az apámat, mert a munkaszolgálat után fogságba esett, és 1948-ban jött csak vissza. 1945-ben már lehetett tudni, hogy él. Az Uralból kaptunk apámról először hírt, Nyizsnyij Tagilban volt a fogolytábor. És én nem értettem a háború után, hogy ő, aki tulajdonképpen a szovjetekkel volt egyívású, miért tartják őt hadifogolynak. Ő a lovakhoz értett, úgyhogy ő mindig vagy kocsis volt, vagy lóval foglalkozott. Állítólag ott összeszűrte a levet valami szovjet orvosnővel, de ez legenda. A háború után apám belépett a pártba. Szerintem azért, mert visszajött a háborúból, és hatott rá a dolog. De aztán ki is dobták a pártból mint kulákgyereket.

1944 előtt soha nem ért antiszemita atrocitás. Akkor egyszer kaptam egy pofont az utcán. Aztán nagyon féltünk 1944-ben Szálasi hatalomátvételekor [lásd: nyilas hatalomátvétel], amikor kivitték a Tattersallba [lóversenypálya] a zsidókat. Akkor jöttek házról házra, és én nagyon emlékszem, hogy nagyon féltem. [Randolph L. Braham írja: Budapesten „A zsidók ellen indított módszeres kampány október 20-án kezdődött. hajnalban rendőrök kíséretében nyilas elemek hatoltak be a csillagos házakba, és megparancsolták, hogy minden zsidó férfi gyülekezzen az udvarokon. Ott közölték velük, hogy minden 16 és 60 év közötti férfi készüljön föl rá, hogy egy órán belül útnak indul. Még ugyanaznap délelőtt a nyilasokból és rendőrökből álló különítmények által kiválasztott zsidókat a Kerepesi úti lóversenypályára vagy a KISOK sportpályára vitték.” (A népirtás politikája. A holokauszt Magyarországon. Új Mandátum Könyvkiadó, Budapest, 2003). – A szerk.] S akkor azzal úsztuk meg mi a házban, hogy a nagyapámnak volt egy hamis papírja, hogy őt a Kun Béla idején halálra ítélték. Ezt megmutatta a nyilasoknak, és ezt értékelték, úgyhogy otthon maradtunk. A többiek a házból visszajöttek két nap múlva. Nem vittek el a házból, itt is a nagyapám zseniális volt, mert szerzett egy hamis svájci Schutzpasst, persze egészen egyértelmű volt, hogy hamis a pecsét rajta. Úgyhogy csináltatott róla fotokópiát, és emlékszem, az egész család rá volt írva – ő, a nagymama, az anyám meg én –, és elmentünk a Rákóczi út és Körút sarkán, ott volt egy közjegyző. És a fotokópiát a közjegyzővel hitelesíttette, és onnantól kezdve azt mutattuk, mert az már akkor egy hiteles papír volt, egy hamis levélnek a hitelesített másolata.

Nagyon, nagyon rafinált ember volt. A Szövetség utcai ház zsidó háznak volt nyilvánítva. Azt hiszem, a többség egyébként is zsidó volt itt. A környék nem volt zsidó környék. De ez zsidó ház lett. Ott voltunk a háború alatt. S arra is emlékszem, hogy a földszinten lakott egy Keresényi, talán így hívták, aki vett nekem a szemben lévő cukrászdában fagylaltot, mert a zsidó nem mehetett a cukrászdába. A nyilas hatalomátvétel után el kellett hagyni; a Pozsonyi úton volt valami iroda, és ott kijelöltek nekünk egy védett házat a Tátra utca 29/b-ben. Nem volt olyan zsúfolt a lakás. Nem emlékszem, hogy kikkel laktunk. Lejártunk a pincébe, akkor egy asztalosüzem lehetett ott, és a bombázásokra ott voltunk. És ott főztek közösen. Erre emlékszem, hogy ettük azt a babfőzeléket, amibe szódabikarbóna helyett, hogy puhuljon a bab, véletlenül molyirtót tettek. De megettük. Ott ért minket a felszabadulás, de ott már házról házra jártak a nyilasok, és vitték őket [a zsidókat] a Duna-partra [lásd: védett ház; zsidók Dunába lövése]. Úgyhogy ha két nappal később jönnek az oroszok, mi is ott végezzük. Rengetegen elhunytak a holokausztban. Negyvenen a családból. Ebben az általam készített családfában, több mint kétszáz név van, és ezért csináltam, hogy a gyerekeim tudják, hogy honnan jöttek. Több évig dolgoztam rajta, mikor kint voltam Izraelben, próbáltam kiegészíteni. Most már készen van.

A háború után visszamentünk a Szövetség utcába. A lakásban volt, ami megmaradt, volt, ami nem. A bútorok nagyobb része megmaradt. De az én fölhúzható Märklin vasutam eltűnt. Emlékszem, hogy nem volt mit ennünk 1945-ben, és a házban laktak a Wintermantelék, akik ékszerészek voltak, keresztények. Két gyerek volt, és azokkal csináltam üzletet, hogy kajáért odaadom a Märklin vasutamat. S amikor oda akartam adni, kerestem, és azt is elvitték, nem volt meg. Úgyhogy az üzlet visszament.

Az én bár micvám el lett tolva egy évvel, mert az apám nem volt itthon, de akkor már tudtuk, hogy él. És mindenképpen akartuk, hogy itthon legyen, megvártuk. A bár micvá a rabbiképzőben volt a Scheiberrel [lásd: Scheiber Sándor], és a Schweitzer [Schweitzer József (1922): Nyugalmazott neológ országos főrabbi. 1947-ben avatták rabbivá. 1981-től 1985-ig a Budapesti Izraelita Hitközség főrabbijaként működött, 1985 és 1997 között pedig az Országos Rabbiképző Intézet igazgatója volt. – A szerk.] készített fel rá, aki akkor fiatal pécsi rabbi volt. Csak arra emlékszem, hogy egy légpuskát kértem és kaptam ajándékba. Nagyon tudtam lőni. Az apám szájában kilőttem a cigarettát, ha odaállt elém, így tartotta az egyforintost, és kilőttem az egyforintost a kezéből. Légpuskával gyakoroltam a Szövetség utcai kertben. Ott volt egy nagy elhanyagolt terület. Az anyámnak nagyon nem tetszett. A nagyünnepek mindig megmaradtak. Böjtöltem [Jom Kipurkor]. Most is böjtölök. Nagyünnepen elmentem templomba. Sőt, még az apám meg az anyám is. Csak a gyerekeknek volt karácsony. Nem léptem be a pártba. Nem vonzott. Anyám mindig azt mondta, hogy csak politikát ne. De ez nem volt szempont. Valamelyik nap meghatároztam magam valakinek, hogy én baloldali liberális humanista reneszánsz típusú ember vagyok.

Az elemi iskolát pont 1939-ben kezdtem, és pont az 1943/44-es tanévben lettem első gimnazista, és akkor csak a zsidó gimnáziumba lehetett menni. És akkor minden zsidó gyerek ott volt, s a nagyapám el tudta intézni – gondolom pénzzel –, hogy engem is fölvegyenek. Két első osztály indult, két fiú osztály. És akkor elkezdtünk járni 1943 őszén, és 1944-ben rövidített tanév volt. Kimaradt az év, és 1945 tavaszán ezt folytattuk, de akkor már a Röck Szilárd utcában kezdtük, és aztán átmentünk a Wesselényi utcába, és később az Abonyi utcai épületbe.  De én az utolsó [a nyolcadik] évet már nem ott jártam. Azt már a Madáchban jártam. Azért mentem át, mert akkor én voltam a diákszövetségi titkár, és akkor volt egy ilyen ukáz, hogy gyűjtsünk aláírásokat, hogy szüntessék meg a felekezeti iskolákat. És én ebben közreműködtem, és akkor úgy éreztem, hogy ez nem fér össze, hogy ott maradjak. A zsidó gimnáziumban volt héber nyelv. Gross Ezra nevű férfi tanított ivritet, nem voltam benne túl jó. Azok voltak jók ivritből, akik tudták, hogy Izraelbe akarnak menni, és sokan voltak abban az osztályban ilyenek, egyébként pedig egy jó fejű osztály volt. Soméros [Hasomér Hacair] is voltam a háború után. A srácok vittek. Én sosem voltam egy meghatározó személyiség, én mindig úsztam a többiekkel. Sokkal okosabbak voltak, mint én. Én elmentem volna 1947-ben Palesztinába, mert az összes osztálytársam ment. Öten maradtunk vagy hatan, amikor én átmentem a Madách gimnáziumba. Én is akartam alijázni, és az anyám nagyon nem engedte. Azt mondta és mindig idézte is, „itt élned, halnod kell”. És erre én mindig azt mondtam, hogy erre volt egy jó sanszunk. Azt mondta, nem számít. Én hittem a cionizmusban. Egy gyerek 13 éves korában valamiben hisz. Kimentem apámmal a pályaudvarra, mikor ezek elmentek, búcsúztattuk őket.

A KISZ előtti ifjúsági szervezetben is benne voltam [Ez a Dolgozó Ifjúság Szövetsége (DISZ), amely a 14–25 éves fiatalokat tömörítő tömegszervezet volt. 1950-ben alakult az addig meglévő ifjúsági rétegszervezetek egybeolvasztásával és központosításával. Volt saját napilapja, a „Szabad Ifjúság”. 1957-től a DISZ helyére a KISZ lépett. – A szerk.]. Én mindenben benne voltam. Voltam én cserkész is. Volt egy 47-es Eötvös József zsidó cserkészcsapat a háború után. Az 1949-es VIT-en [Világifjúsági Találkozó: a Demokratikus Ifjúsági Világszövetség (DIVSZ) által szervezett fesztiválsorozat. Az elsőt 1947-ben rendezték Prágában, a másodikat 1949-ben Budapesten. A politikai cél az volt, hogy az egyre erősebb hidegháborús légkörben a Szovjetunió növelhesse és demonstrálhassa befolyását az ifjúság körében. Eleinte kétévente szervezték, 1959-től háromévente, 1968-tól ötévente szervezik. Mai neve: Világifjúsági és Diáktalálkozó. – A szerk.] angol tolmács voltam. Nagyon jó angoltanárok voltak a zsidó gimnáziumban. Úgy megtanultam, hogy amikor kimentem Izraelbe, és ott élt a volt angoltanárom, elmondhattam neki, hogy mindent, amit az életben elértem, az angol nyelvtudásomnak köszönhetek.

1950-ben vagy 1951-ben magyarosítottunk. Én akartam. A Kárpáti nevet választottuk. De rosszul választottunk, mert a család másik fele Kádár lett. Ami később aztán nem tudom, hogy előny volt vagy hátrány, de ők azt választották. Anyám 1947-ben szerezte meg az óvónői képesítést. Sose fogom elfelejteni, hogy amikor a bizonyítványosztása volt, és nem volt tiszta ötös, akkor sírt. Nagyon meg volt sértve. Az apám a Budafoki Baromfifeldolgozó Vállalatnál lett üzemvezető. És nagyon megbecsülték. Jól dolgozott. Élmunkás volt. [1948. március 15-én hirdették meg először – szovjet mintára – az első országos munkaversenyt, és az itt élen járó munkásoknak adományozták az „élmunkás” kitüntető címet. A főként a szakmunkások közül kikerülő munkáselit a káderutánpótlást szolgálta. A címmel különféle kedvezmények is jártak (üdülés, vásárlási lehetőség, olykor lakáskiutalás). A munkaversenyben ezt követően áttértek a sztahanovista mozgalomra (ez a mozgalom 1935-ben indult a Szovjetunióban a termelés növelésére). Magyarországon először Sztálin 70. születésnapján, 1949-ben hirdették meg. 1954-ben megszűnt a mozgalom, 1956-ban a címet is eltörölték. – A szerk.]

Leérettségiztem, és mentem volna az orvosi egyetemre. Emlékszem, hogy gyerekkoromban csináltam egy papírt, amit az anyám talán még őriz is, ahol le volt írva, hogy én nem tudom, mekkora orvos leszek, és nem tudom, hányban kapom meg a Nobel-díjat. Nem vettek föl, mert az iskolai szülői munkaközösség vezetőnője rossz kádervéleményt adott rólam. És emlékszem – ez egy rémes élmény volt –, onnan tudtam meg, hogy engem nem vettek föl az egyetemre, hogy szépen fölöltöztem, hogy menjek az érettségi bankettre, és a buszon találkoztam egy sráccal, aki azt mondta, hát te nem tudod, hogy elmarad a bankett? Mondtam, nem. Azt mondja, mindenki, akit fölvettek az egyetemre, megy holnap reggel az építőtáborba. [Ekkoriban, az 1940-es évek végén és az 1950-es évek elején a Duna–Tisza-csatorna építésénél dolgoztak az egyetemi építőtáborosok. – A szerk.] Na most, erről én nem tudtam. És így tudtam meg, hogy nem vettek föl az egyetemre. Viszont beiskoláztak az agráregyetemre. [Az 1950-es évek elején a feszített beiskolázási törekvések eredményeképpen irreálisan magas felvételi arányszámokat szabtak meg. A teljesítendő (tervszámokban meghatározott) számok nem feleltek meg sem a valós igényeknek, sem pedig a valós jelentkezési arányoknak. A rendszer ebben az esetben a jelentkezőket mechanikusan más területre irányította, nagyon sokan létszámfelettiség vagy más területen jelentkező létszámhiány miatt teljesen más szakra nyertek felvételt, mint ahová eredetileg jelentkeztek. (Ladányi Andor: Felsőoktatási politika 1949–1958. Budapest, 1986, Kossuth, 42. old.) – A szerk.] Ha valamihez nem értettem, ez az volt. Aztán elkezdtem járni az agráregyetemre, érvényes félévem van. A bábjáték nagyon érdekelt és a bábszínház is, és az érettségi nyarán elmentem a bábszínházba, beszéltem az igazgatóval, hogy én szeretnék itt dolgozni. Kérdezi: miért? Azt mondtam, érdekelt. Azt mondta, a világosító helyet fönn tudom tartani. Elmentem a Népművelési Intézetbe, és végigcsináltam a bábtanfolyamot, és bedolgoztam magam ebbe a dologba. Írtam bábdarabokat, rendezői utasításokat, kaptam egy ösztöndíjat a bábszínházban rendezőasszisztensire, és amikor fél év után otthagytam az agráregyetemet, akkor fél évig a bábszínházba jártam, és azt nagyon élveztem. És jelentkeztem a Színház- és Filmművészeti Főiskolára bábszínházi rendezőnek. Nagyon rosszul sikerült, nem vettek föl. És akkor megint jelentkeztem az orvosi egyetemre, de fogorvosira. Debrecenben felvételiztem az orvosi egyetemre. Emlékszem, akkor repültem először, mert repülővel mentem Debrecenbe.  Fel is vettek, de a pesti fogorvos egyetemre. Mi voltunk az első olyan évfolyam. Belejöttem a dologba, és nagyon jól végigcsináltam az orvosit. És végig dolgoztam mint bábos. Írtam, nyáron Csillebércen bábszakkört vezettem.

1956-ban fogorvoshallgatóként az egyetemi újság szerkesztőszobájában voltam, és szerveztük ezt a felvonulást 23-án [lásd: 1956-os forradalom]. Délelőtt még nem lehetett tudni, hogy lesz, nem lesz. Aztán lett. Szépen elmentünk a Bem térig, majd vissza. És aznap este volt a Petőfi Kör [lásd: 1956-os forradalom] orvos témájú ülése a Gólyavárban. És én ott voltam, és az nagyon izgalmas volt. Egy Pataki nevű nagyon népszerű gyógyszerészeti docens vezette ezt az ülést, ahol minden elhangzott, hogy az oroszoknak mi volt a felelősségük a Rajk perben. És akkor bejött egy munkáskülsejű pali, és azt mondta: maguk itt ülnek, amikor az ország sorsa az utcán dől el? S akkor vége volt, akkor én onnan gyalog mentem haza a Szövetség utcába. Mentek teherautók, zászlók meg egyebek, elég nagy volt a felfordulás. És másnap kinéztem az ablakon, és láttam, hogy hordágyon visznek embereket a kórházba, mondtam, átmegyek, hátha tudok segíteni. Tíz nap múlva kerültem elő. Felmentem a sebészetre, és mondtam, hogy medikus vagyok. Azt mondja vérátömlesztés lesz, mérje meg a vércsoportját. Remegett a kezem, mert az egy nagy kockázat, és utána olyan harctéri sebészetet csináltam egyedül, hogy olyan iskola volt, hogy az elképesztő. Érdekes élményeim voltak, mert ez a kórház [a Szövetség utcai kórházról beszél] volt ott egy ilyen központ. És főztek is ott, tehát oda lehetett mindenkinek jönni kajálni. Odahoztak orosz katonát, az ott feküdt a többi beteggel. Akkor emlékszem, bejött egy anya, hogy a gyerekének be kell adni injekciót. S akkor az egyik taxisofőr azt mondta, na jó, kimegyünk. A Körúton lőttek keresztbe. Mondtam, hogy megyünk át? Azt mondja, átmegyünk, bukjál le. Lebuktam, átment, utána trtrtrr … így lőttek utánunk. Ott a kórházban megismertek ez alatt a tíz nap alatt, megismertek, és kaptam egy félállást a fogászaton.

Az orvosi öt év volt, és amikor befejeztem, Tatabányán kaptam fogorvosi állást. Ezt úgy szerveztem meg magamnak, hogy két műszakot dolgoztam le minden második napon. Reggel fölültem a bécsi gyorsra, beültem az étkezőkocsiba, 60 fillérért ittam egy teát. A második megálló Tatabánya, ott leszálltam. Fölültem a bányászbuszra, elővettem a zsebemből egy almát, amit mindig vittem, ledolgoztam két műszakot, és este hazajöttem. És a közbülső napon megnyitottam a rendelőt a Szövetség utcában a volt gyerekszobában. Aztán tartalékos tisztképzésre, ami hat hét volt, kellett bevonulnom, ami abból állt, hogy dolgoznom kellett katonai fizetésért valamilyen intézetben. Nekem valamelyik rokonom volt a Korvin Ottó kórház rendelőintézetének az igazgatója, és az odavett engem fogorvosnak. Nem volt szájsebészet, és én akkor ott csináltam a szájsebészeti munkát. Úgyhogy amikor vége volt a tisztképzésnek, akkor azt akarták, hogy maradjak ott, és rendőrfokozatú civil legyek [A Korvin Ottó kórház lényegében a belügyminisztérium alá tartozókat látta el. – A szerk.]. Mondtam, azt nem vállalom. Akkor azt mondták jó, legyek SZTK státusban. Mondom, azt lehet. És akkor én a Csengery utcai SZTK-ból kaptam a fizetésem, de oda, a Korvinba voltam diszponálva mint fogorvos és szájsebész. És ott dolgoztam egy félállásban, másik félállásban a Szövetség utcában és a magánpraxisom, és éltem világomat, mert jól kerestem. És akkor egyik reggel olvastam az újságban egy hirdetést, hogy a főiskola tudományos filmrendezői osztályt indít, és felvételizni kell irodalomból, filmből, zenéből, képzőművészetből. Engem izgatott, hogy a szakbarbárság három éve után hogy állnám meg a helyem (de azért ez alatt a három év alatt is jártam moziba, színházba, sokat olvastam). Abszolút nem gondoltam komolyan, de beadtam a jelentkezést. Felvettek. Végig a főiskola ideje alatt megtartottam a Szövetség utcai félállást és a magánpraxisomat is. Úgyhogy az életem egyik legszebb periódusa volt a főiskola, mert izgalmas volt, de nem a csóró egyetemisták életét éltem. Amikor megkaptam a diplomát, és a Herskó [Herskó János filmrendező osztálya volt ez az osztály. – A szerk.] odavette az egész osztályt az ő stúdiójába, és MAFILM- [Magyar Film] alkalmazottak lettünk 1964. június 1-jén. Akkor tanársegédje lettem a Herskónak, és aztán mikor ő elment [azaz: disszidált], akkor megbízást kaptam, hogy dolgozzuk ki a vágóoktatás rendszerét. És aztán lettem adjunktus, aztán docens, aztán kineveztek egyetemi tanárnak, saját osztályaim voltak. 1999 őszén fölmondtam.

Nem volt szempont, hogy zsidó legyen a feleség, de így alakult. Mind a két esküvőm templomban  – a rabbiszemináriumban – volt. Rabbi esketett mind a kétszer. Nem volt szempont a barátoknál sem, de így alakult.

Az első feleségemmel, Schück Évával az Ifjú Művészek Klubjában ismerkedtem meg. Valamelyik rokona volt az ortodox főrabbi. Nagypolgári családból származott. Pesti volt, nálam nem sokkal fiatalabb. Kiment Ausztráliába 1956-ban, és aztán visszajött. Ő a képzőművészeti gimnáziumba járt, és elvégezte a Képzőművészeti Főiskolát. Amikor megismertem, textiltervező volt. Három vagy négy évet éltünk együtt. De a dolog nagyon rosszul alakult, mert nem lehetett gyereke, és az anyámra ez a tény nagyon rosszul hatott. Nagyon fúrta a dolgot. Romlott a légkör is, és aztán közös megegyezéssel elváltunk.

1956 nyarán csere, diák-cseregyerek voltunk Pozsonyban mint fogorvoshallgatók. Az volt az első külföldi utam. Nyugaton filmfőiskolás korban, 1961-ben, 1962-ben voltam.  Amikor Izrael megalakult, én nem éreztem, hogy nekünk van most egy otthonunk. De amikor az izraeli háborúk voltak, akkor már nagyon együtt éreztem. Engem legjobban a müncheni olimpia viselt meg – egész éjjel fenn voltam. Az rémes volt. 1972-ben. Akkor fogtam fel valójában ezt az egész Izrael dolgot, hogy csak azért, mert valaki izraeli, zsidó is, és ezért lehet akár még sportolókat is megölni. [Az 1972-es müncheni olimpián egy palesztin terroristaszervezet öt tagja izraeli sportolókat ejtett túszul az olimpiai faluban, azt követelve, hogy Izrael engedje szabadon 200 bebörtönzött társukat. Közülük kettőt még az olimpiai faluban, kilencet pedig a német rendőrséggel kialakult tűzpárbaj során öltek meg a terroristák. – A szerk.] Sokkal később jártam először Izraelben, mint szerettem volna, mert Jordániában már voltam, amikor Izraelben még nem. Amikor először mentem a tel-avivi főiskolai fesztiválra, akkor voltam először az 1980-as–1990-es években. Akkor kezdtem ezt a családfakutatást is.

1973-ban házasodtam össze a második feleségemmel. Két gyerekünk született, András és Eszter. Zsidónak neveltük őket, de a feleségem ragaszkodott hozzá, hogy legyen karácsonyfa is állítva. Volt, a gyerekek szerették. Ez hozzátartozott az akkori korhoz.

András fiam a bár micvájára kapott imakönyvet, és kipája mindig volt, egész kicsi korától. Kicsinek nem volt vallásos. A nagyszülők nagyon nyomták, én meg azt akartam mind a két gyereknél, hogy ők döntsék el, hogy mit akarnak. Na most mind a két gyerekem tudatos zsidó lett. A fiam körül van metélve; a nagypapa nevét kapta: Jehuda ben Josua. A lányomnak ilyen névadót csináltunk, ahol megkapta a zsidó nevét. A fiam ünnepeken eljárt a templomba. És magától ment most már az utóbbi időben. És széderesték voltak, amíg a szüleim éltek. A lányom is zsidónak érzi magát, többször járt már Izraelben is. A fiam is.

Most Jom Kipurkor voltam életemben először a Dohány utcai templomban, és meg is bántam. Soha nem fog még egyszer előfordulni. Mindig a Rabbiszemináriumba jártam, ha megyek azután is oda fogok menni.

Bence Miklósné

Életrajz

Csak az anyai nagyszüleimre emlékszem. A nagymamám, Kerekes Arnoldné [szül. Adler Teréz] családjából arra emlékszem, hogy a nagymamámnak három testvére volt, két lány és egy fiú, akit Albertnak hívtak. Kereskedő volt, nagyon jól ment neki. Nem volt gazdag, de nem nősült meg, épp azért, mert jól ment neki.

Az anyai nagyapámnak, Kerekes Arnoldnak is több testvére volt, de én csak egyre emlékszem, az Etelre. Ő a második házasságból való, tehát a Fábián dédnagyapának volt a gyereke. Úgy volt hogy a dédnagyanyámnak 8 gyereke volt, de két férje. Szóval az Etel férje volt a téglagyárnak az igazgatója, és ők ott laktak a téglagyárban szolgálati lakásban. Nagyon szép szolgálati lakás volt. Ott volt három gyerek. Etelék összejártak a nagyapámékkal, anyámék jártak oda, ők jártak ide. Náluk voltak ilyen kis partik is, amik arról nevezetesek, hogy ott ismerte meg a papám, Wechsler Lipót az anyámat. Az apám és az anyám között 15 év korkülönbség volt, de azt sosem éreztük. Anyám, Kerekes Margit nagyon szerette apámat. Anyám úgy volt nevelve, hogy tisztelni kell, szeretni kell a férjét. Nem tudom, hogy szerelmes volt-e, amikor hozzáment, de soha egy hangos szó nem volt köztük. A nagyszüleim nagyon szerették apámat. Lehetett is. Ő egy olyan nagyon jámbor ember volt, aki mindenben alávetette magát a családnak, mindent megtett a családért.

A nagyszüleimnek volt egy fűszerüzlete, egy szatócsbolt a Külső-Jászberényi úton, Kőbányán [Pest-Pilis-Solt-Kiskun vm.-i nagyközség volt, 1920-ban 5700 lakossal. 1950-ben csatolták Budapesthez. – A szerk.], oda járt mindenki a közelből. Nagyon közel laktunk a nagyszüleimhez, mert volt a közelben egy téglagyár, a Drasche téglagyár, és a papám ott dolgozott, és ott kapott valami szolgálati lakást, amiben két szoba volt. De én sokkal többet voltam a nagyszüleimnél. Anyám gyakran besegített az üzletben, én is szinte mindennap ott voltam a nagyszüleimnél. A ház úgy nézett ki, hogy elöl volt az üzlet – úgy mint most a vidéki szatócsoknál –, és hátul a lakás. Volt ott két szoba, egy nagy veranda és egy óriás kert, teli gyümölccsel. Sokszor ott is aludtunk a nagyszüleimnél, péntekenként mindig. A nagymamáék hálószobája úgy előttem van, az ő két ágyuk és előtte egy dupla sezlon. És amikor a gyerekek ott aludtak, akkor ott aludtunk. Volt a nagyszüleimnél könyvtár is. Jókaik voltak, azt tudom, de persze azért nem volt nagy könyvtár. Sok imakönyvük volt. Nekünk mindenünk megvolt, de nem voltunk gazdagok. Egy ideig volt egy cselédünk, aki ott lakott velünk, mert az anyám folyton az üzletben volt. Volt egy varrógépünk, és jött a házi varrónő, és ott volt két-három napig, és akkor anyám összeszedte a holmikat, amiket meg akart varratni, és akkor megcsinálták az összes ruhát. Aztán már később, mikor már nagyobb voltam, konfekció volt.

A Drasche téglagyárban rengeteg ember dolgozott, és odajártak hozzánk a szatócsboltba inni, megvették a piát, aztán kimentek a bolt elé, és volt egy kis pad a bolt előtt, és ott leültek, ettek, ittak. Az antiszemitizmusnak semmi komolyabb előszele nem volt Kőbányán. Ott a legnagyobb békességben éltünk együtt zsidók és nem zsidók. A Kerekes bácsit, a nagypapát mindenki szerette. Főleg melósok jártak hozzá a téglagyárból. Nagyon sokan hitelre vásároltak, akkor az volt a szokás, hogy fölírták egy könyvbe a tartozásokat. Szóval még a pénz kapcsán sem volt semmi rossz vagy bántó megjegyzés.

Érdekes, hogy az én emlékeim szerint szombaton sem volt zárva az üzlet [lásd: szombati munkavégzés tilalma]. A nagypapa dolgozott, a nagymama pedig hátul tartotta a szombatot, ő nem ment be a boltba. A nagypapa, aki járt templomba, aki adakozott és elismert hitközségi elöljáró volt, és nagyon szerette mindenki Kőbányán, nagypapa titokban adott téliszalámis zsömlét nekünk ott hátul, merthogy az üzletben ilyesmit is árult. A nagymamának persze nem volt szabad tudnia, mert ő kóser háztartást vezetett.

Építettek egy templomot Kőbányán [1911-ben épült egy modern, kupolás templom Schöntheil Richárd tervei alapján, és 1928-ban épült a rákosfalvi körzeti templom. – A szerk.], amire a zsidók összeadták a pénzt, mert elég nagy zsidóság élt Kőbányán, és emlékszem, hogy a nagyanyámnak és a nagyapámnak névvel ellátott örökös helyük volt [A kőbányai – Budapest, X. kerület – hitközség lélekszáma a Magyar Zsidó Lexikon adatai szerint az 1920-as években kb. 5000 fő volt. – A szerk.]. Tehát ők is adakoztak a templomhoz, mert azok kaptak örökös helyet, akik adakoztak. Otthon minden ünnepet megtartottunk. Gyönyörű széderesték voltak. Mi voltunk a család, mert nálunk mi ketten voltunk gyerekek. A szüleim testvérei is külön laktak, és nemigen vettek részt a széderen, bár az Idus férje egy nagyszőlősi születésű jó zsidó volt. Az egész Hagada végig lett rendesen olvasva. Úgy ültünk, ahogy kellett, volt harojszesz [hároszet, lásd: máror], volt szédertál [lásd: széder], szabályosan volt minden csinálva. A menü maceszgombóc leves volt, natúr hús benne, csirke. Nem volt nyolc napig kenyér a házban – persze az üzletben volt mindennap friss, de akkor tényleg senki nem evett a családból kenyeret. Az ünnep [lásd: Pészah] előtt ki volt takarítva [lásd: homecolás], és volt gyönyörű pészahi edénykészlet is, amit ilyenkor vettünk elő a padlásról.

Templomba mi csak a nagyünnepekkor mentünk el, akkor aztán este gyalogolhattunk haza [lásd: szombati munkavégzés tilalma]. A nagyszüleim sem jártak mindig templomba, de a nagymama gyertyát gyújtott, otthon imádkozott [lásd: gyertyagyújtás; szombat]. Messze volt a templom gyalog, mert gyalog kellett volna bemenni, inkább otthon maradtunk. A böjtöket szigorúan betartottuk. Nem voltunk bigottak, de nagyon szépen együtt éltünk azzal, ami természetes volt, hogy zsidók vagyunk, és vannak szokásaink, amik hozzá tartoznak az életünkhöz.

A nagyapám meg az apám is imakendővel [lásd: tálesz] imádkozott. A nagyapáé még megvan, bársony volt. Teffilint [lásd: tfilin] nem rakott csak a zsinagógában, ha jól emlékszem, otthon anélkül imádkozott. De igazából a nagypapát nem is láttam otthon olyan sokat imádkozni. A nagymama sokat imádkozott otthon, engem is ő tanított meg. Anyukám is meg édesapám is imádkozott minden reggel.

1936-ban kellett eladni az üzletet, mert a nagypapa már nem tudta ellátni és a lámyai úgy látták jónak, hogy hagyja abba a munkát, tehát akkor beköltöztünk Kőbányára – mert ez ugye Külső-Kőbánya volt –, nagypapa eladta az egész házat, és vettünk közösen egy valamivel nagyobb lakást, ahol együtt laktunk a nagyszülőkkel. Ebben a lakásban halt meg a nagypapa 1937-ben. Egy évvel élte túl az üzletét.  Utána költöztünk be a Sziget utcába. A Bözsi, anyám húga, meg a férje pedig a Sziget utcában lakott, gyerekük nem volt, és elhatároztuk, hogy közösen veszünk egy nagyobb lakást. Egy négyszobás lakásba költöztünk. Ott már nem volt háztartási alkalmazott, az anyám vezette a háztartást, és ott már nem volt kóser koszt. Akkor kezdtünk a Csáky utcába járni templomba. Mindig is nagyon hiányzott nekünk a kőbányai templom, a kis névtáblák a székeink felett, azok mindaddig megmaradtak, amíg el nem adták a templomot.

Apám, Wechsler Lipót 1882-ben született Nyitrán. Könyvelőnek tanult, és könyvelőként dolgozott a Grasser téglagyárban. A házasságuk után továbbra is a gyárban dolgozott könyvelőként, egészen addig, ameddig el nem került utazónak, kereskedelmi utazónak egy olajtársasághoz. Motorolajjal kereskedett. Sokat volt távol, sokat volt vidéken. De csak két-három napra, nem hetekig.

Az apám, úgy tudom, hogy vallásosabban lett nevelve, mint az anyám. Ők nagyon hamar megárvultak, és a legidősebb testvére, az Ábrahám nevelte őt meg a testvérét, a Samut. Samunak van egy fia, a Frédi, aki a holokauszt alatt itthon volt, nem vitték el. Aztán kiment Svájcba, autógyárban dolgozott, még ma is él. Apám és a testvérei úgy tudom, hogy nagyon vallásosak lehetettek. De nem voltak ortodoxok. Nem volt semmilyen külső jegye  a vallásosságuknak. 

Anyámnak három testvére volt. Két lány és egy fiú. A fiút Jenőnek hívták. 1890-ben született. És 1913-ban kiment egy évre tanulmányútra Amerikába. Nem tudom, mit tanulmányozott, de az tény, hogy kint maradt, szóval kivándorolt, és ott kávéháza lett, ahol saját maga hegedült gyönyörűen. Jenő még itt tanult hegedülni. A színiakadémiára járt, színész akart lenni. Kint aztán megnősült, elvett egy nyírségi magyar lányt, a Helént, és két gyönyörű gyereke lett. Jenő még a háború előtt, amikor ő már talán érzett valamit, de mi itthon még nem tudtunk semmit, küldött mindannyiunknak hajójegyet Amerikába. Azt szerette volna, ha az egész családja kimegy hozzá. A Kerekes nagymama azonban azt mondta, hogy ő nem hagyja itt a szülei sírját. Igen, és akkor az egész család itthon maradt. Pedig még elment volna a Fábián is, az Idának a férje, akinek egy jó előmenetelű textilüzlete volt.

Anyám egyik lánytestvérét Idának hívták. Ő 1893-ban született. Jó házasságban éltek, egy lányuk született [Fábián Éva]. A másik lánytestvért Bözsinek hívták, 1897-ben született. Férjhez ment elég fiatalon, de gyereke soha nem volt. Időnként besegített a nagypapánál az üzletbe.

Én 1918-ban születtem, a húgom pedig 1924-ben. Nem jártunk óvodába, hanem mindig a nagymamánál voltunk, ott az üzlet mögött, a kertben. Nagy kert volt, és örült anyám, hogy levegőn voltam. Bicikliztem és a kertben voltam a húgommal. Ott nem volt semmi gyerektársaság, de jó volt, nem unatkoztunk.

Elemibe Kőbányára jártam. Én még nem jártam a zsidó iskolába, mert az később lett meg, de a húgom már odajárt [A Kőbányai Iskolabarátok kéttanerős magániskolája 1928-ban nyílt meg. Kb. 70 növendék látogatta. – A szerk.]. Elég messze volt, gyalog kellett menni. Beteges gyerek voltam, elég sokat mulasztottam. Az elemiben alig volt zsidó, ott nem igazán barátkoztam senkivel. Szombaton jártunk iskolába, de Jom Kipurkor otthon maradtam, és szigorúan böjtöltem. Nem emlékszem, hogy bárki kérdezte volna, hogy merre jártam. Szinte semmire sem emlékszem ezekből az időkből. Polgáriba [lásd: polgári iskola] pedig már bejártam az Óhegy utcába, villamossal. De még a villamossal is sokat kellett menni, és a villamosig is kellett gyalogolni. Aztán mikor beköltöztünk a városba, akkor már a Dobó Katalinba [Felső kereskedelmi iskola; lásd: kereskedelmi iskolák] jártam. Ez a Wesselényi utcában volt, ennek ellenére ez nem volt zsidó iskola [A Wesselényi utca és környéke tradicionálisan zsidó környék volt, közel a későbbi gettóhoz. – A szerk.]. Az osztályfőnökünk dr. Erdélyi Amália volt, aki egy szuperintelligens magyartanárnő volt, és zsidó volt. Nem tudtuk, de megéreztük. Akkor ez még nem volt téma. A magyart nagyon szerettem, a kedvenc tárgyam volt, a tanár miatt, gondolom. Sokat olvastam, és nagyon jó helyesíró voltam. Hittant is tanultam persze, az egyik legkedvesebb tárgyam volt. Jeles voltam az érettségin hittanból. Egy fiatal rabbi volt a tanárunk, és nagyon szerettük. Az osztályban nem volt túl sok zsidó. Nem volt szempont az ismerkedésnél, hogy zsidókkal barátkozzam, és a szüleim sem várták el, de azért az esetek nagy többségében így alakult. Egyébként a „cé” osztály tiszta zsidó volt, illetve aki zsidó volt az évfolyamból, az ide járt, és ki voltunk egészítve protestánsokkal. Szóval nem volt tiszta zsidó, hiszen annyian nem is voltunk, de a zsidók az azonos évfolyamból oda voltak koncentrálva a „cé”-be. Ez egy ilyen központi dolog volt, azt mondták, hogy a hittan miatt van. Akkor ez természetes volt, ebben szerintem akkor még nem volt benne a megkülönböztetés.

Sokat sportoltam, bicikliztem, a nagypapa vette a biciklimet. Amikor beköltöztünk, akkor a Törekvés pályán teniszeztem, és korcsolyáztam, de nagyon rosszul. Aztán volt zongora különórám, volt egy pianínónk. Volt egy zsidó társaságom. Együtt jártunk templomba, szombaton mindig volt ifjúsági istentisztelet is Kőbányán. Imádkoztunk rendesen, és utána elmentünk sétálni ide-oda, együtt maradtunk. Főleg sok fiú volt, de azért voltunk lányok is, például a rabbinak – Kálmán Ödön volt a főrabbi – volt két lánya. (A nagyobbikat, aki él még, Vidor Pálnénak hívják, egy rabbi özvegye, akit Vidor Pálnak hívtak, és van is egy emléktáblája a Frankel Leó utcai zsinagógában.)

Volt nekünk egy nyaralónk Balatonfenyvesen, ott volt egy parcellázás, ahol apám vett egy telket a nagybátyámmal, a Bözsi férjével, és oda jártunk nyaralni minden nyáron. A nyaraló földszintes ház volt, óriási terasszal, kinyitható napellenzővel, és volt a Bözsiéknek egy hálófülkéjük, az apáméknak egy hálófülkéjük, a nagypapának és a nagymamának volt egy külön hálószobája, és nekem volt egy kis szobám. És volt egy konyha. Nagyon jól megépített ház volt, a papám meg a Lajos építették. Egész nyáron lenn voltunk. Érdekes, hogy lent nem volt kóser konyha. A nagymamáék ott voltak, de nem lehetett betartani, mert semmi olyan beszerzési lehetőség nem volt. A nagymama tudomásul vette, és igyekezett azért körültekintően főzni. Amikor nyáron lenn voltunk Balatonfenyvesen, akkor apám hétvégén jött le a Lajossal együtt az úgynevezett bikavonaton – amin a férjek mentek le hétvégére nyaralni. Aztán 1943-ban kényszereladás volt, mikor már zsidótörvény volt, akkor fillérekért eladták, csak hogy ne vegyék el.

Az első munkahelyem az Elektromos Motorgyár volt a Csengery utcában, az irodán dolgoztam. Ezt úgy nyertem el, hogy hirdetésre jelentkeztem, behívtak egy képességvizsgáló intézetbe, s ott elnyertem az állást mint első helyezett. A háborúig voltam itt, akkor a zsidótörvény [lásd: zsidótörvények Magyarországon] miatt elbocsátottak. Aztán a háború alatt nem dolgoztam, csak bujkáltam. Miklós már elmesélte a megismerkedésünket, én akkor már nem mondom el [lásd: Bence Miklós interjúja].

[A következő rész a férj életrajzából származik: „Vera egy irodában dolgozott az Elektromos Motorgyárban, a Csengery utcában. Ott vele szemben ült egy lány …, aki folyton azt mesélte, hogy volt neki egy udvarlója, aki csinos volt, meg gavallér volt, meg minden. Szakítottak ugyan már, de mindig szépen emlékezett rá. Történetesen ez az udvarló a Fiumei Kávébehozatali Társaság fiókjában – a Szent István körúton, egy nagy saroküzlet – dolgozik. Nahát ez én voltam.

Vera a Sziget utcában lakott, és a munkahelyére menet elhaladt többször az üzlet előtt, megnézegettük egymást magunknak (ugye ő már hallott rólam a kolléganőjétől). És aztán egyszer bejött vásárolni. És akkor én randevút kértem és belement. Valahogy így kezdődött. Ez 1941-ben volt. Akkor én már egyszer bevonultam [munkaszolgálatra], és Erdélyben voltam. És 1944. március 19-én bejöttek a németek [lásd: Magyarország német megszállása], és április 15-én megesküdtünk. Mondván, hogy úgyis minden mindegy. Két légiriadó között voltunk az elöljáróságon [anyakönyvezető]. Csak polgári esküvőnk volt, templomit nem tarthattunk.]

A mi házunk nem lett csillagos ház, és a Csáky utca 9. lett kijelölve. Júniusban beköltöztünk, júliusban 2-án jött egy szőnyegbombázás, és minden tönkrement. Örültünk, hogy a pincéből ki tudtunk jönni. Onnan mentünk a 40-be, mert az anyósomék ott laktak, és együtt akartunk lenni.

Szereztünk igazolást, egy komplett személyi iratcsomót. Abban az volt, hogy én valami dohányboltban dolgozom. Megtanultam az adatokat, vetettem egy keresztet, és amikor jött a nyilas razzia, akkor én kisétáltam a házból. Fogtam magam és kimentem. Vagy elkapnak, vagy nem. Nem kaptak el. Az egész társaságot elvitték a Dunára [A nyilasok 1944 októbere, a nyilas hatalomátvétel után szabadon garázdálkodtak Budapesten, és sok zsidót kitereltek a Dunapartra, majd belelőtték őket a folyóba. – A szerk.].

Így éltem egy pár hónapig. Volt a Széna téren egy szanatórium, föladtak hirdetést, hogy befogadnak menekülteket. Miklós [Bence Miklós, a férj] az Ezredes utcába járt gépkocsizni munkaszolgálatosként, olvastuk ezt a hirdetést, ő nagyon közel volt oda, hát költözzek oda. Én egy ilyen kis táskával beköltöztem mint Földes Erzsébet. És a második este bejött hozzám egy férfi, elkezdett velem beszélgetni, káderezett, hogy ki vagyok, mi vagyok. És én akkor másnap mondtam a Miklósnak, hogy én mindent itt hagyok, és elmegyek innen. Elmentem, és soha többet nem mentem vissza, inkább visszaköltöztem a csillagos házba. És azon az éjszakán – ezt már a felszabadulás után tudtuk meg, hogy ez a Bucsányi szanatórium [Bucsányi nevű emberről nem tud a világháborús bűnösöket, uszítókat, stb. részletesen felsoroló 1945-ös „Mi lett velük?” című kiadvány sem. – A szerk.], amelyik abból élt, hogy odacsalogatott a hirdetéssel zsidókat, akik vittek oda aranyat meg mindent –, amikor megtelt, odahívták a nyilasokat, és mindenkit kinyírtak. 

Na most állandóak voltak a bombázások, sorra kaptak találatot a házak. És egyszer a szemben lévő fal – egy ilyen tűzfal – is kapott egy találatot. És a repesz az ablakon keresztül bejött hozzánk, és abba a szobába, ahol apám az ágyban feküdt, mert hajnal volt, ott kapta a találatot álmában, a májába fúródott bele egy repesz. Abban a pillanatban meghalt. Ott voltunk abban a szobában még legalább hatan, és ő kapta a találatot. Azonnal meghalt.

1945-ben visszaköltöztünk a Sziget utcába, de nem a mi lakásunkba, hanem a földszintre, az egész család. És én vártam haza a Miklóst. Valahonnan kaptam egy rekamiét, hogy mire hazajön, addigra rend legyen. Rendbe hoztam egy kis szobát, és vártam, hogy hazajön a házassági évfordulónkra. És egy napot késett.

Visszamentem a Laub-féle elektromos gyárba, rövid ideig ott voltam, és aztán csináltunk egy papírüzletet a Hold utcában. Egy icipici kis üzlet volt, de nagyon jó volt, és mind a ketten ott dolgoztunk – négy évig, 1949-ig. Aztán 1949-ben megalakult a Ruházati Kereskedelmi Központ, s engem odahívott a vezérigazgató titkárnőnek. A Greshamben volt az irodánk, az első emeleten nagy sarokszobánk volt, és én benn voltam az ő szobájában, szóval nem volt előszoba vagy titkárság. S akkor odamentem 1949 áprilisában, és 1949 augusztusában állapotos lettem, és azt mondta az orvos, hogy ha meg akarom tartani – mert addig nem maradt meg egy sem –, akkor vegyem tudomásul, hogy lefekszem, és lehet, hogy a szülésig feküdni fogok. És nekem volt egy nagyon jó állásom, a pénzem is jó volt, remek főnököm volt. És akkor a Miklós megmondta neki, hogy szeretnénk gyereket, és csak ilyen áron lehet. Akkor eljött hozzám a főnököm, hozott három szál szegfűt, leült az ágyam mellé, és azt mondta; magának egy dolga van, ezt a gyereket megszülni. És az állása nem lesz betöltve. Ez abban az időben óriási dolog volt. Félidőben megmozdult a baba, és az orvos azt mondta, most visszamehet dolgozni. Semmi probléma nem volt, végig dolgoztam, onnan mentem el szülni.

Eljártam a Dohány utcai templomba titokban. Ma is hiszek, ezt nem lehet elvenni tőlem. A húgom nem jár templomba, és nem is hisz, de rendszeresen jár anyám sírjához. Az, hogy templomba jártam, az nevelés, hogy tudom a dolgokat, és emlékszem rá, de a hit az nem nevelés. A fiaimat nem neveltem zsidónak, de ezt egy kicsit megbántam. De hát így történt. Azért azt hiszem, hogy ők mégiscsak zsidó lettek. A kisebbik fiam valahogy az iskolában tudta meg, hogy zsidó, vagyis ott realizálódott benne. 

Gárdos Ferencné

Életrajz

A 85 éves Gárdosné Zsuzsa egy hetedik kerületi régi bérház egyik lakásában él fiával. Több mint 70 éve él abban a lakásban, ahol édesanyjával és nagynénjével közösen először óvodát, majd napközit üzemeltettek. 1980 óta özvegy. Öregkora és betegsége miatt már csak ritkán mozdul ki az utcára, pedig régebben rengeteget járt sétálni és kirándulni. Családja, ismerősei, barátnői sűrűn mennek hozzá.

Apai ágon a Felvidéken éltek a felmenőim, ami akkor még Magyarország volt, mégpedig egy kis faluban. Az apai nagyapám, Orován Jakab Térnádasdon, Trencsén vármegyében élt [Térnádasd – kisközség volt, 1910-ben nem egészen 300 szlovák nemzetiségű lakossal. Az ún. trencséni kőbányák vidékén fekszik. Trianon után Csehszlovákiához került. – A szerk.]. Ez a falu valami csodálatos volt – véletlenül egyszer láttam, mert Orován Ella nénémék lovas kocsival elvittek, hogy megmutassák, hogy apám hol volt gyerek. Egy keskeny út volt a falu közepén, és élő ember már nagyon kevés volt, mert ez egy icipici falucska volt a Vág völgyében. Nagyon-nagyon szép volt. Valamelyik emberükkel, aki a kocsmában segédkezett, az utcán találkozott a nagynéném, és annak mondta, hogy „Idenézzen, Janó! Ez a Vilónak a lánya”. Akkor voltam maximum nyolc éves. Be is vitt a kis szobájába ez a Janó bácsi, aki méhészettel foglalkozott, és lépes mézet adott, amit soha előtte nem ettem. Szóval nagyon-nagyon szép volt ez.

Az Orován nagypapa kocsmáros volt. A kocsmához tartozó lakásban élt a családjával. Hogy hogyan éltek ők, arról fogalmam sincs. Szegények voltak. A nagyapa, mivel Sziléziából jöttek, a magyar mellett, úgy tudom, németül is beszélt. Egyébként vallásos család volt. Neológok voltak. Térnádasdon nem volt imaház, csak össze-összejöttek néhányan, és imádkoztak. Az egy kis falu volt. Oda akkor – gondolom – talán ki se járt rabbi. Illaván volt egy állandó vallási vezető, azt tudom. Péntek este és szombat délelőtt átmentünk az ottani imaterembe imádkozni. A nagyapa felesége egy másod-unokatestvér, Hanna volt. A nagyapa valamikor meghalt, nem tudom a dátumot, mikor, és az apai nagymama és a család fönt maradtak a Felvidéken.

A nagyszüleimnek hét gyermeke volt, a nagyobbik fele a holokausztban szenvedett mártírhalált.

Apám legidősebb bátyja Orován Ármin volt. Ő Pozsonyban élt. Könyvelő volt, nem tudom, hol. A felesége Politzer Elza volt, még ezt is tudom. Volt egy fiuk, aki Dunaszerdahelyen, a kórházban praktizált, doktor Orován Miklós. Az is a holokauszt áldozata lett feleségestül. 1942–43-ban minden szlovákiai rokonunkat elpusztították [Amennyiben Orován Miklós a deportálások során pusztult el, akkor az ő halála 1944-re vagy 1945-re tehető. Ő ugyanis Dunaszerdahelyen élt, amely 1938-tól, az első bécsi döntéssel átmenetileg ismét Magyarországhoz tartozott. Innen 1944 júniusában deportálták Auschwitzba a zsidókat. – A szerk.].

Orován Ella Illaván élt [Illava – kisközség volt Trencsén vm.-ben (járási szolgabírói hivatal, járásbíróság, országos fegyintézet), 1891-ben 2200 szlovák és magyar, 1910-ben 2400 szlovák, magyar és német lakossal. Trianont követően az akkor 2100 lakosú település Csehszlovákiához került. – A szerk.]. Őt elvette a falu jegyzője, Ziegler Ignác. Nagyon szép falu volt, most már város. Egy patak folyt a falun keresztül. Minden utca ki volt kövezve. Volt itt egy nagyon híres fegyház is [A 10 évnél hosszabb időre elítélt fegyencek befogadására, a 20. század elején 600 férőhellyel. – A szerk.]. Azzal szemben volt a jegyzői iroda és lakás. Ella különösen vallásos volt, de ez az egész falu zsidóságára jellemző volt. Nem volt gyermekük, és engem úgy szerettek, mintha a gyerekük lettem volna. Sőt! Még örökbe is szerettek volna fogadni, de azt mondták a szüleim, hogy a világért se. Gyerekkoromban minden nyáron ott üdültünk a nagybátyáméknál. Trencsénteplától  kellett menni egy kisvonattal Illavára, de engem már ott, [Trencsén]Teplán vártak mindig [Trencséntepla (Hőlak) – kisközség volt Trencsén vm.-ben, 1891-ben 1500 szlovák, német és magyar, 1910-ben 2300 szlovák és magyar lakossal. Vasútállomással is rendelkezett, a dualizmusban már posta-, és távíróhivatala és postatakarékpénztára is volt. Trianont követően Csehszlovákiához került. – A szerk.]. Csodálatos szép nyarakat töltöttem ott. Nekem egy volt a lényeg, hogy volt egy kis kert a háznál, volt baromfi, galambdúc, a nagynéném tömte a libákat, hogy nekem legyen jó libamáj.

Egy másik testvér Zsolnán élt. Úgy hívták, hogy Glazel Móricné, Orován Giza. Egy gyönyörű, hatalmas üveg- és porcelánüzletük volt Zsolna főterén. Az egy gyönyörű város. Magaslaton van, egy domboldalon, és négyszögletes főtere van. Az ma is így van, mint ahogy látom képekről. Sajnos a felszabadulás után nem kerültem már oda, mert őket elvitték 1942-ben [lásd: deportálások Szlovákiából]. Gizának volt egy fia, a Józsi. Sajnos az unokabátyám is odaveszett. Ő állítólag partizán volt, de ez nem biztos.

A többi testvér Budapesten élt. Weinbergerné Orován Fáninak [1889–1931] két fia volt, Weinberger Tibor és Weinberger Jenő. Weinbergernéék órások voltak. A Jenő nagyon jó matematikus volt. Rákosligeten élt mint házasember. Tisztviselő volt valahol, de nem tudom, hogy hol. Aztán később a „Szabad Nép”-nél is dolgozott. Az sem él már természetesen. A Tibor egész életében szegény ember maradt. Semmi nem lett belőle, nem tanult. Ő 1945 előtt nem tudom, mit csinált, de a felszabadulás után a Bethlen téren, a Jointnál volt ruhakiadó. Mindenki vallásos volt ebben a családban, neológok. Az ünnepeket megtartották, de nem jártak minden héten templomba. Itt nyugszanak a Kozma utcai temetőben.

Aztán volt még egy testvér, Orován Krisztina, aki férjhez ment először egy Ziegler nevű férfihoz, aki az említett Ziegler Ignác testvére volt. Tőle született a Margit és Imre nevű gyerek. Nem tudom, mi lett velük. Ziegler természetes halállal halt meg. Ezután az özvegy egy Szarvas nevű férfihoz ment, akitől három gyereke született. Az egyik neve Magda.  Budapesten éltek, Krisztina háztartásbeli volt. Nem tudom, hogy pontosan hogyan került oda, de Auschwitzban maradt.

Az utolsó testvér, akiről még nem beszéltem, Orován Artúr még a születésem előtt meghalt, nem tudom, pontosan mikor. Ő egy keresztény nőt vett el, akinek az Akácfa utcában volt kávézója. Két gyerekük született. László matematikus, Ottó pedig kémikus lett, de nem tudom, hogy velük mi lett [Orsós (Orován) Ottó (Budapest, 1911 – Balatonföldvár, 1939) – növénykutató, „Egyike a méltatlanul elfeledett magyar tudósoknak. … Már egyetemi évei alatt is elismerten a korszak egyik nagy jövő előtt álló növénybiológus kutatója volt. Kutatási területe a sebhormon volt, majd az organizációs és szövettani problémákat kutatta.… A publikációk alapján valószínűsíthető, hogy Orsós volt a világon az első kutató, aki klónt állított elő differenciálatlan szövetekből. … A hivatalos változat szerint a fasizmus eszméjének közvetlen megjelenése miatt öngyilkosságba menekült 1939. szeptember 1-jén (a halotti bizonyítvány szerint szeptember 3-án)” (Forrás: Wikipédia, Fári Miklósnak a MAG c. folyóiratban 2005. áprilisban közölt cikke alapján). – A szerk.].

Az anyai ág máshonnan származott. A nagyanyám, Fränkel Józsefné, született Erb Paula 1847. október tizennyolcadikán Bielitzben, Sziléziában született – az ő édesanyját, tehát az én dédanyámat soha nem is láttam –, és meghalt 1934. november hetedikén [Bielitz Sziléziának az Osztrák–Magyar Monarchiához tartozó részén, a Biala folyó bal partján, Biala galíciai várossal szemben elhelyezkedő város volt, 1890-ben 14 600 lakossal (gyapjúszövők, cérnafonók, jutaszövés, bútor-, szesz-, sör-, papír- és gépgyártás, élénk posztókereskedelem). – A szerk.]. Ott éltek hosszú ideig, és körülbelül 1893-ban jöttek Magyarországra, valószínűleg anyagi okok miatt, hogy jobb megélhetést találjanak. Férjéről, Fränkel Józsefről – aki szintén Bielitzben született 1850-ben – azt lehet tudni, hogy 1914-ben halt meg, természetes halállal. Ő a Magyar Fém- és Lámpaárugyárban volt munkás. Kőbányán, a Vaspálya utcában éltek egy bérházban, egyszerű körülmények között. A Fränkel nagymama vallásos volt, és náluk kóser háztartás volt. A szombatot megtartották [lásd: szombati munkavégzés tilalma], és a nagyobb ünnepekre eljártak. A nagyika hiába élt évtizedeket Budapesten, soha nem tudott jól megtanulni magyarul. Otthon mindig németül beszéltünk, és ennek köszönhettem a német nyelvtudásomat. (Attól függetlenül, hogy aztán az elemiben is meg a gimnáziumban is németet tanultam, és később én is tanítottam németet.) Nem jiddist, nagyon szép németet beszélt. Én voltam a legkisebb unokája. Imádott, a székre vagy a hokedlire a konyhában párnát tett, hogy nekem kényelmes legyen. Mindenre azt mondta, hogy „megtörténhet” „es kann”. Tehát én nem állhattam föl egy székre, mert leeshetek.

Nagyikámnak öt gyermeke volt, és a legnagyobb bánata az volt – mint minden anyának –, hogy az első világháború első ütközetében, Lengyelországban a kisebbik fia, Fränkel Leó hősi halált halt. A nagyika örökre gyászolta, soha nem vett fel világosat, de még egy szürke ruhát sem. Leó érettségizett fiú volt, és ő volt nagyanyámnak a legkisebb gyermeke. A Generalinál – ez a ma is létező Generali Biztosító – volt [Az Assicurazioni Generalit 1831-ben alapították Triesztben, az első olyan biztosító volt, amely a biztosítás minden ágával foglalkozott (Olaszországban és külföldön egyaránt). 1832 óta a magyarországi biztosítási piacon is jelen van (az 1949–1989 közötti négy évtizedtől eltekintve). – A szerk.]. Ott dolgozott a bátyja, Forgács (Fränkel) Vilmos is, aki 1885-ben született. Az ő felesége Friedmann Margit lett. Lányuk pedig a későbbi doktor Held Róbertné Fränkel Sári volt. A legidősebb Fränkel lány Róza volt, aki 1878-ban született, ő később Wessely Antalné lett [1939-ben halt meg]. Nagynéném, Fränkel Sári – akire második számú anyámként tekintettem – 1889. október huszonhatodikán született. Könyvelő volt a Fiumei Kávébehozatali Társaságnál, majd magánzó [A Fiumei Kávébehozatali Társaságot 1899-ben alapították.  Az első világháború után fióküzleteket nyitottak a fővárosban. Közel húsz üzletben árusítottak saját márkacikkekként forgalomba hozott fűszer- és csemegeárut, köztük teát is. – A szerk.]. 1927-ben Pogány Alberttal házasodott össze, hogy magyar állampolgárságot kapjon, és három hónap múlva elváltak. Édesanyám, Fränkel Zelma 1887. április tizenötödikén született. Ő varrni tanult egy tanfolyamon, majd varrást oktatott gyerekeknek. Aztán óvónői tanfolyamot is végzett.

Édesapám Orován Vilmos 1884-ben született Térnádasdon. Az első világháborúba mint katona vonult be, és végig is harcolta. Károly csapatkereszttel szerelt le [A Károly csapatkeresztet 1916-ban IV. Károly király alapította azok számára, akik legalább 12 heti frontszolgálatot teljesítettek. Későbbiekben, a zsidótörvények alatt kiemelten fontossá vált, hiszen mentességet is jelenthetett a diszkriminatív rendelkezések alól. – A szerk.]. Kőbányán ismerkedtek meg a szüleim, egy baráti család mutatta be őket egymásnak. Édesapám 1920-ban vette feleségül az én drága anyukámat. 1920. június hatodikán, közvetlenül a trianoni szerződés [lásd: trianoni békeszerződés] után kötöttek házasságot. Egyházi esküvőt tartottak [lásd: házasság, esküvői szertartás]. Egy Orován rokon fizette be őket háromnapos nászútra a Gellért Szállóba.

Édesapám szociáldemokrata volt. Tagja volt a [Magyar] Természetbarát Szövetségnek, mert az is egy baloldali tömörülés volt [A Magyar Természetbarát Szövetség 1957-ben alakult meg. Gárdos Ferencné apja mint szociáldemokrata, talán a Természetbarátok Turista Egyesületének volt a tagja. Ez 1910-ben alakult a magyar munkásság természetjáró szervezeteként, az MSZDP és a szakszervezetek irányításával. Célja egyfelől a munkásság szabadidős tevékenységének szervezése, az egészséges élet lehetőségeinek biztosítása, a természet megszerettetése, másfelől a munkásöntudat és a szolidaritás erősítése volt. A tagok menedékházakat, üdülőket építettek (ezek egyike volt a horányi üdülő), gondozták és turistajelzésekkel látták el a turistautakat. Az első világháború utáni években erős kommunista befolyás érvényesült az egyesületben, a szociáldemokrata vezetés nem tudott gátat vetni az új irányvonalnak: a menedékházak, üdülők illegális találkozók színhelyei lettek, a kirándulásokon gyakran tartottak politikai szemináriumot a résztvevők számára. A második világháború előtti években a TTE a munkásság egyik legfontosabb szervezetévé fejlődött, tagjainak száma ekkorra megközelítette a 80 ezret. – A szerk.]. Kirándulásokat szerveztek, és gondolom, hogy ott is politizáltak. Van egy nagyon kedves távoli rokonom, barátnőm, egy jogásznő, akinek az édesapja, Farkas Zoltán a tizedik kerületben volt képviselő. Ő nagyon ügyesen szervezte ezeket a kirándulásokat. Apukám is nagyon lelkes volt. Szakszervezeti tag is volt. Anyuka abszolút nem foglalkozott politikával.

Budapesten, a tizedik kerületben laktak, ott is születtem 1921. november elsején, és 1934. július huszonhatodikáig ott is éltünk Kőbányán, a Füzér utcában. Kőbányán jóformán az összes kereskedő zsidó volt. Farkas Zoltán lányával ma is tartom a kapcsolatot, és nyaralás közben is sorban mondjuk a Belső-Jászberényi út üzleteit a Rosenfeldnétől a Lumplernéig, a Gergelynéig, ez mind, mind zsidóüzlet volt. A csemegés volt a Rosenfeldné, hófehér köpenyben, annak idején nem volt az olyan természetes. A zöldséges volt a Reich család, a cukorkás-csokoládés volt a Fáni néni, mikuláskor egy óriási csokimikulás állt a kirakatban. A patikus volt a Mann Géza, az egyik pék volt a Klauber, a másik pék volt a Neumann „egész véletlenül”. Ez a Liget tér környéke volt. Ez ma is létezik. Az Állomás utcában sétáltunk minden délután, az anyukák a gyerekekkel.

A mi kis közösségünk óriási volt. A Pajor Jenő volt a hitközség titkára. Annak a fia hegedült az ünnepélyeken, ő kísérte a mi danászásunkat. Mindenki – még van egy-két túlélő, aki nálam is idősebb –, mindenki ilyen szeretettel emlegeti Kőbányát. Kőbányán volt egy álomszép zsidó iskola a templom udvarán [A kőbányai neológ hitközség első zsinagógája 1891-ben épült föl. A 19–20. század fordulóján azonban a már több mint 2000 tagot számláló hitközség új zsinagóga építését határozta el. A Cserkesz utcai kupolás zsinagóga Schöntheil Richárd (1874–?) tervei alapján 1910-re épült föl. – A szerk.]. (Most is áll a templom Kőbányán, csak most ökomenikus templom lett belőle. Az iskolából pedig később idősek otthona lett.) Egy fehérre meszelt kis iskola volt, két tantermes [A kéttanerős iskola magániskola volt, a Kőbányai Iskolabarátok iskolája, 1928-ban nyílt meg. Kb. 70 növendék látogatta. – A szerk.]. Egyik osztálytársnőm édesapja, Kapos Nándor nemcsak grafikus, hanem festőművész is volt, majd később az Iparművészi Főiskola tanára lett [Kapos Nándor (1897–?) a az 1950–60-as években a Képzőművészeti Főiskola tanára volt. – A szerk.], és ő készítette az osztálytermek részére a bibliai rajzokat. Ezek a képek mindig ki voltak rakva az osztályban. Csak az a kár, hogy nem maradtak meg. De ennyit megérdemel haló poraiban, hogy legalább én megemlékezzem róla. A lánya, ha igaz, akkor él, Kanadában. Egy tolóajtó választotta el a két tantermet. Ünnepeken, amikor ünnepélyt tartottunk, az szét lett tolva, az egyik felén ültek a kedves szülők és nagyszülők, a másik felén volt a színpad, és ott szerepeltünk, nagyon aranyosan.

Fodor néni volt a pedellus, ő tartotta rendben az iskolát. A folyosón muskátli volt, az udvaron kis akácfák. Két tanító néni volt. Az első–másodikat tanította Neumann Magda, a harmadik–negyedik osztályt Schalk Anna. Az igazgatónk a rabbi volt, doktor Kálmán Ödön, akit nemcsak hogy tiszteltünk, de nagyapaként imádtunk. Többekre is emlékszem az iskolatársak közül, mint például Kapos Márta, Vitéz Zsuzsa, Elek Kata, Popper Kata, Adler Sándor, Beregi Tibor, Fischof Egon, Balázs Mariann, Kálmán György, Kálmán Ferenc. Jó tanuló kislány voltam, nagyon-nagyon lelkes. Amit csináltam, azt mindent mindig lelkesedéssel. Szombat délelőtt nekünk külön volt egy kis istentisztelet az osztályteremben.

Sok ünnepély volt. Az ünnepek úgy lettek megünnepelve, hogy például szédereste mi magunk terítettünk. Gyönyörűen, hófehér abroszokkal volt terítve, amit otthonról hoztunk. A gyertyatartókat is. A legidősebb gyerek volt tíz éves, negyedik osztályos – akkor négy elemi volt –, kiosztották a tanító nénik, hogy ki mit hoz otthonról, mit tudom én, tíz tojást és így tovább. Étkezés előtt a széder vezetője kezet mosott. Megtiszteltetés volt nekem, hogy én öntöttem a kancsóból a vizet. Azt hiszem, kevés olyan boldog gyerek volt, mint én, aki a rabbi bácsinak a kezére önthette a vizet. A másik tartotta a törölközőt, a harmadik a lavórt. Mindenkinek be volt osztva a szerepe, hogy a Hágádából – ez az ünnepi imakönyv – egyes részeket – héberül, természetesen – felolvassunk. Nem akarok dicsekedni, de nekem nem kellett olvasni, én könyv nélkül mondtam, hogy miben különbözik ez az este a többi estétől? „Má nistáno há-lejlo há-ze” [lásd: má nistáná]. Hanukakor olyan műsorokat adtunk! Én voltam a prológ, vagyis a konferanszié. Nyáron megünnepeltük anyák napját kint, az iskola udvarán. Szóval, csodálatos volt. Nekem gyönyörű volt a gyerekkorom, amit ott töltöttem.

Volt a Rottenbiller-kert meg a Víztorony-kert, ezeken a helyeken játszadoztunk. A közelben volt egy jégpálya és egy teniszpálya is. Ezek ott voltak a mai Kőbánya Mozi mellett, mögött. Korcsolyázni jártam, nem szerettem soha, meg kell hogy mondjam, mert a bokám mindig kifordult, hiába volt bokaszorító rajta, akkor nem cipős korcsolya volt, hanem csatolós. Nagyon jól szórakoztunk. Teniszezni nem jártunk, mert az már drágább dolog volt.

A kőbányai lakóhelyünk elég egyszerű volt. Egyemeletes házban éltünk. Az első emeleten egy kétszobás, alkóvos lakásunk volt. Ez egy ablaktalan helyiség volt, a nagyszobának a folytatása volt, és onnan is volt egy bejárat az előszobából. Egy hálóhelyiség volt tulajdonképpen. Abban éltünk, a nagymamám, a szüleim, anyámnak a testvére és én. Az alkóvban lakott az anyunak a húga a nagyikával. Az volt az ő hálóhelyük, és még volt egy szekrény is, az is elfért. A nagyika vezette akkor a háztartást, a nagynéném, a Fränkel Sári – akkor még – állásban volt, gépírónő volt a Fiumei Kávé-Tea Cégnél [Fiumei Kávébehozatali Társaság].

Édesapám eredetileg könyvelő volt egy magánüzletnél, a Birnbaum Jakab és Fiánál. Akkor jött a gazdasági válság [lásd: 1929-es gazdasági világválság], úgyhogy apám és a nagynéném is elvesztette akkor az állását. Persze a nagyikának egy fillér nyugdíja sem volt. Az anyukám egy nagyon okos, ügyes, talpraesett asszony volt, nem keseredett el, hanem folyton azon törte a fejét, hogy mit is csinálhatnánk, hogy megéljünk, mert ugye a színvonalat tartani akartuk.

Anyukának az anyanyelve német volt, a szomszéd nénink németet oktatott, a háziúr is német származású volt, tehát ott mindenki tudott németül a házban, és anyuka szépen megtanulta a német verseket és dalokat, és azt mondta apámnak: „Tudod mit? Én nyitok egy kis óvodát, délelőttre.” Ebben a kétszoba-alkóvos lakásban nem volt hajcihő, hogy hogyan legyen berendezve a gyerekeknek, hanem azt csinálta anyuka, hogy házról házra ment az ismerősökhöz, hogy nyitok egy óvodát reggel kilenctől délután egyig. Minden gyerek elhozza a tízóraiját kis uzsonnatáskában, kimegyünk a Rottenbiller-kertbe játszani, tanítom őket egy kicsit németül. Így megteremtette a mindennapit. Ez a nyolc-tíz gyerek nyújtotta azt, hogy nem volt gond a lakbérrel.

A házban volt egy pincénk. Anyám ezért azt mondta apámnak: „Tudod mit, fiam? Te mindig jó kereskedő voltál mint alkalmazott.” És fa- és szénpincét nyitott. Tartott egy kihordót, aki a szenet és a fát házhoz szállította egy targoncán. Ment a dolog. A nagynéném, a Sári pedig ügynökölt. Kőbánya polgárai közül egyik ajánlotta a másiknak a nagynénémet, Sári néni meg elment a lakásokba, fölvette a rendelést, és küldte ki az árut.

1934-ben beköltöztünk a Damjanich utcába, ebbe a lakásba, ahol ma is élek. Mindnyájunknak fájt a szíve, hogy otthagytuk Kőbányát, de általában az ottani családok is sorban jöttek be lakni a városba megélhetési problémák miatt. Persze a magja megmaradt, de már nem volt az igazi. Mi azért jöttünk ide, mert apukának be kellett járni a belvárosba, a nagynéném bejárt ügynökölni, én bejártam a gimnáziumba. Azt mondtuk, hogy a villamosjegy meg minden annyiba kerül, hogy ez így nem megy tovább. Nekem rettenetesen terhes is volt a bejárás, mert vasárnap is iskolába jártunk – persze szombaton nem –, a harminchetes villamossal jöttem be, és csak mi voltunk a barátnőmmel a villamoson vasárnaponként. Akkor körbejárták ezt a környéket, mert azt mondta anyuka, hogy legyen egy park a közelben az óvoda miatt, de Zsuzsikámnak az iskola ne legyen messze. Ezek voltak a szempontok. Gyönyörű környék volt. A Damjanich utca tágas, szép, szellős, itt volt a fasor, mint mindig. Itt volt egy ugrásra a Liget. Akkor itt járt a huszonhármas villamos, de eszünkbe nem jutott, hogy fölszálljunk a villamosra. Olyan nem létezett, hogy azt az egy megállót villamoson mentünk volna. Barátnőimmel, osztálytársnőimmel, Havas Györgyivel és Fischer Piroskával, akik a Damjanich utca 40-ben laktak, hárman indultunk, elsétáltunk az iskolához. Délben meg vissza. Ennyit legalább mozogtunk.

Gimnáziumba az Abonyi utcaiba [Pesti Izraelita Hitközség Leánygimnáziuma] – ami ma a Radnóti Gimnázium – jártam, az volt a mi iskolánk [lásd: Zsidó Gimnázium]. Ott érettségiztem. Csodás jó iskola volt. A Domonkos utcából [Ma Cházár András utca. – A szerk.] volt a fiúgimnázium bejárata, nekünk meg az Abonyiból. Hermetikusan el voltunk zárva. Minden emeleten volt egy ajtó, mert volt közös tanár, annak volt kulcsa, és mentek a fiúiskolába és vice versa. Központi fűtés volt az iskolában, tisztaság, nagy, ragyogó tornaterem volt, sportoltunk, tornásztunk, tornaünnepélyek voltak a Millenáris pályán. Az iskolának egy nagyon szép temploma volt, és ott szombat délelőtt kilenc órától istentisztelet volt, ahol saját kórus volt. Aki szólót énekelt, az most is a barátnőm, zenetörténész, Pándy Mariann [Zenetörténész. Budapesten született 1924-ben. Tanulmányait 1946 és 1956 között a budapesti Liszt Ferenc Zeneművészeti Főiskola zongora és zenetudományi szakán. – A szerk.]. Akkor Pollák Mariann volt.

Osztályfőnöknőnk Bokorné Zádor Jolán volt végig, és ő volt a tornatanárunk is. Egyébként a filmes Bokor Laci volt a legkisebb fia. Csodálatos tanárok voltak, Turóczi-Trostler József, a Goethe-kutató, aztán Rieger Richárd volt a matematika-fizika tanárom. Komlós Aladár volt a latintanárom, mi még latint is tanultunk, ugye [Turóczi-Trostler József (1888–1962) – irodalomtörténész, egyetemi tanár, az MTA tagja (1945). 1913-tól temesvári fő-reáliskolai tanár, 1918-ban a vallás és közoktatásügyi minisztérium előadója, a Tanácsköztársaság alatt a budapesti egyetemen a világirodalmi tanszék tanára. 1922-től gimnáziumi tanár és a „Pester Lloyd” munkatársa. 1945-től a budapesti egyetemen tanár, majd tanszékvezető tanár (MÉL); Rieger Richárd (1882–1966) – a Zsidó Gimnázium egyik legismertebb természettudomány tanára volt, pedagógiai munkásságáért Beke Manó-díjat is kapott; Komlós Aladár (1892–1980) – irodalomtörténész, író, költő. A „Nyugat” második nemzedékének egyik legfelkészültebb, legkarakterisztikusabb kritikusa és tanulmányírója volt. 1929–1938 és 1940–1944 között a Zsidó Gimnáziumban magyart és latint tanított. 1944–45-ben a bergen-belseni koncentrációs táborban volt. 1946-ban egyetemi magántanárrá habilitálták. 1949–1960 között megbízott egyetemi előadó, majd gimnáziumi tanár (MÉL). – A szerk.]. Az igazgató Wirth Kálmán volt, tankerületi, királyi főigazgató úr –  ez volt a teljes címe [Wirth Kálmán (1876–1944) – 1920–1939 között volt a leánygimnázium igazgatója, természetrajzot tanított. – A szerk.]. Persze a fiúiskolának saját igazgatója volt, Fuchs D. Rafael [A zsidó fiúgimnáziumot 1919-től dr. Heller Bernát, 1922-től Goldberger Salamon, 1940-től pedig dr. Fuchs D. Rafael vezette. – A szerk.]. Kötelező nyelv volt a német vagy a francia, aztán az olasz, szóval kaptunk útravalót. Doktor Rónai Pál volt az olasztanárunk, aki aztán kikerült Brazíliába [Rónai Pál 1907–1992) – irodalmár, nyelvész és műfordító. 1932 és 1940 között több mint száz novellát, esszét és két regényt fordított le franciára. 1940-ben elhagyta Magyarországot, 1941-ben Brazíliában telepedett le. Balzac műveinek fordításával vált ismertté Brazíliában, de fordított portugálra Rilkét és Apuleiust is. Lefordította portugálra „Az ember tragédiájá”-t, a „Pál utcai fiúk”-at, és fordított Adyt, Mikszáthot, József Attilát stb. is . – A szerk. ]. Szép volt, jó volt, nehéz volt. Mindenki megállta a helyét.

Innen nagyon sok híresség került ki, például Pach Zsigmond Pál, aztán Sárkány István, a sportoló, megvan ma is [Pach Zsigmond Pál (1919–2001) – történész, akadémikus, a középkor és a kora újkor magyar és egyetemes gazdaságtörténetének kutatója; Sárkány István (1913) – tornász, mesteredző, sportvezető. A MAC színeiben versenyzett, Berlinben tagja volt a magyar válogatottnak. 1947 és 1968 között a tornaszövetség főtitkára volt, 1968 és 1973 között a férfi tornászválogatott szövetségi kapitánya. – A szerk.]. Rengeteg nagy tehetség került ki az iskolákból.

Negyvenkilenc gyerek járt az osztályunkba. Egy keresztény osztálytársam volt, az Illés Éva. Nagyon sok kereskedő, orvos, mérnök gyereke járt oda. Aczél György felesége, Csató Zsuzsa is idejárt, ebbe az osztályba. Minimális tandíj volt, a jó tanulók és a nehezebben élők fél-tandíjmentesek voltak. A teljes tandíj kilenc pengő, hatvan fillér volt; azt tudom, hogy mi négy pengő nyolcvan fillért fizettünk. Körülbelül hatodik osztályban jött az első zsidótörvény [lásd: zsidótörvények Magyarországon], és már mindenki azon spekulált, hogy valami szakmát kell annak a nyomorult kislánynak tanulni, hogy el tudjon majd helyezkedni. Akkor kezdtek lemorzsolódni. 1945 után körülbelül tizenöt vándorolt ki a negyvenkilencből. Egy csomó él Izraelben ezek közül. A holokauszt áldozatai lettek tízen. Mára természetes halállal sajnos sokan. Úgyhogy nem lehet osztálytalálkozót összehozni, hiába próbáljuk. Ketten járunk össze rendszeresen, naponta telefonálunk egymásnak. Azt nem mondhatnám, hogy az osztály nagyon vallásos lett volna. Ezt onnan mérem fel, hogy mikor még lehetett rendezni tizenöt-húsz éves érettségi találkozót, aki akkor hazatért egypár napra, mindig engem kérdezett meg szinte minden vallási dologról: „Mondd Zsuzsa! Mikor lesz az újesztendő? Mikor lesz a böjt?” Én így nőttem fel, tudtam ezeket a dolgokat. A legvallásosabb nem én voltam, hanem Kardos Klára. Ő aztán Izraelbe ment ki, és ott egész ortodox lett. Ma is él, hál’ istennek. Ő volt a legjobb tornász.

Én nagyon szerettem volna tovább tanulni. Az anyagi körülményeim nem engedték meg. Itt meg működött ragyogóan az óvoda, én meg ezt nagyon szerettem csinálni. Délelőtt óvoda volt, délután pedig németet tanítottam iskolásoknak. Házakhoz jártam. Itt dolgoztam, ebben a szobában. Nem volt itt más bútor akkor, mint óvodabútor, azokat egy asztalosnál csináltattuk. Négy darab négyszögletes kisasztalt és hozzá kis fehér székeket, és azon a falon, ahol most a tévé van, ott volt a játékpolc. Hinta is volt az óvodában. Az ajtón ott van még mindig a hintának a kampója. Ez maradt meg. Mindig ki akartam húzatni, és akkor azt mondta a férjem, hogy „Tudod mit? Maradjon ez az emlék”. Mindent kitaláltunk anyukámmal. A háború után, mikor megszülettek a gyerekeim, akkor lehetett bérelni asztali kvarclámpát. És mert csak délelőtt volt óvoda, anyuka kitalálta a következőt: csináltunk egy nagy lepedőből egy ilyen függönyt, két szék oda lett téve a kályha mellé, egy asztalra a kvarclámpa. Ezzel kvarcoztuk háromszor egy héten a gyerekeket, akik levetkőztek félmeztelenre. Akinek a szülei kérték, annak csináltuk, általában mindenki kérte, és külön fizetett érte. Mindent kitaláltunk, amit csak lehetett. Ez volt Tante Orován német óvodája. Tábla is volt a kapunál. Én mindig itthon voltam szombaton, és akkor volt óvoda, akkor nem volt munkaszüneti nap a szombat [A munkavállalók ötnapos, heti negyvenórás munkarendjét egy 1981. áprilisi minisztertanácsi határozat írta elő, amit a kéthetenkénti szabad szombat előzött meg néhány éven át. – A szerk.]. Akkor volt itt egy rakás olyan gyerek, főként zsidók.

Visszatérve: jött a zsidótörvények és a munkaszolgálat időszaka. Már az iskolában se hallottunk mást, csak hogy „Ne legyetek hangosak! Ne kacarásszatok az utcán!”, „Ne legyetek…!”, „Tartsátok be a fegyelmet, a rendet, hogy még véletlenül se mondhassák…!”. A második zsidótörvény már sokkal többeket érintett. Az üzleteket bezárták, vezetőállásúak nem lehettek, az ügyvédek nem praktizálhattak, az orvosok sem igen, még talán a Zsidókórházban maradhattak. Egy nagyszerű kórház volt. Apám 1940-ben bevonult munkaszolgálatra. Erdélybe vonultak be, Érmihályfalvára [lásd: második bécsi döntés]. Sajnos ez elősegítette az agyvérzését. Nem lett volna szabad, hogy besorozzák. Fiatalon, ötvenkilenc évesen szélütés érte. Sokat dohányzott, érszűkület volt a lábában, és nem használt a munkaszolgálat. Budapesten, kórházban halt meg 1943 szeptemberében.

Ilyen időkben, 1941. november nyolcadikán ismerkedtünk meg a férjemmel egy baráti társaságban, ahol volt egy fiatal házaspár, a férjem barátja, Weisz József, a pár és a lány édesanyja laktak együtt. Ez a bemutatás készakarva történt, mégpedig úgy, hogy a férjem barátjának az anyósával én jóban voltam, és a huszadik születésnapom előestéjén meghívtak magukhoz a Szent István körút 28. alá. A barát anyósának nagyon szimpatikus voltam, és azt mondta, hogy „Zsuzsa, én bemutatok neked egy nagyon szolid, szerény és szegény fiút, és biztos, hogy tetszeni fog”. Én szabadkoztam, de gondoltam, miből áll? Délután tanítottam egy kislányt, aki közel lakott oda, elmentem hozzájuk. Vacsorára voltam hivatalos, fél kilenckor megjelent a vőlegényjelölt. Semmi nagy benyomást nem tett, láttam, hogy nagyon csendes fiú, én viszont jó beszélőképességgel rendelkeztem. Beszélgettünk jó darabig, nagyon helyes volt ez a házaspár is, ővelük sátorozott egyébként a leendőbelim a Rómain. Akkor még divat is volt az, hogy egy fiatal lányt hazakísérnek este. Ő a Lipótvárosban lakott albérletben, a Kresz Géza utcában, én itt, a Damjanichban, a negyvenhatos villamos járt itt a Nyugati és a Keleti között, fölpattantunk rá, hazajöttünk. Itt a kapunál elköszönt, és megkérdezte, hogy megengedem-e, hogy telefonon jelentkezzen. „Igen.” „Mikor hívhat?” Mondom:  „Fél kettő után, de fél három előtt, mert akkor én éppen ebédelek, az óvodások akkor már elmennek innen.” Ez 1941 őszén volt. Elköszöntünk, kész. Másnap pont fél kettőkor megszólalt a telefon, Gárdos Ferenc jelentkezett. Azt mondja: „A megbeszélésünk szerint jelentkezem, és szeretném megkérdezni, hogy mikor találkozhatunk.” Akkor még kezdtem úgy gondolkodni, hogy „Ilyen sürgős?”. Kezdtem mondani, hogy mit tudom én, ma hétfő van, ma tornaórám van este, holnap angolórám van, nem jó. „És a szerda?” „Szerda jó.” „Hol találkozzunk? A Körúton, a Mosoly cukrászdában?” „Jó.” Ez meg is történt, az első randevú, amikor közölte, hogy nemsokára nagyon szeretne megnősülni. Úgyhogy ajtóstul rohant a házba. Mondtam, hogy én ezzel még egyáltalán nem foglalkoztam. Millió gond van, olyan időket élünk, hogy mindenkinek a létminimuma egy paraszthajszálon függ, mondom, és maga nem fél? Akkor mondta, hogy egy nagyon jó film megy a Corso Moziban – az a mai Pesti Színház helyén volt. Egy Marlene Dietrich filmet játszottak, nagyon szép volt. Tudtam, hogy minden kiadás számít nála. Esztergomi fiú volt, az édesanyja és a testvérei Esztergomban éltek, és itt bizony albérletet kellett fizetni, és el kellett önmagát tartani. Akkor már nem lehetett állásba kerülni. Ő egy unokabátyjánál könyvelt. Mondtam, hogy „Ne csináljon ebből problémát, természetesen mindenki fizeti a maga jegyét”. Ebben is maradtunk, hogy minden költséget közösen fizetünk. Nekem is volt egy kis keresetem, neki is. Így volt, elmentünk a moziba, szépen hazakísért, vett még cukorkát is. Ezek a találkozások kétszer-háromszor egy héten is megismétlődtek. Akkor volt egy nagyon jó presszó a Körúton, ami most a Mozart cukrászda [Az egykori Pálma cukrászdáról van szó. – A szerk.]. Remek volt, mert ott lehetett egytálételeket is kapni, de kifejezetten presszó volt. Mindig telt ház volt, de kaptunk helyet, és ott elcseverésztünk. Nagyon szerette a komolyzenét, úgyhogy voltunk hangversenyeken is. Ezek 1941 telén történtek.

1942. március végén megkapta a behívót. Már 1940-ben is volt pár hónapot munkaszolgálatos, nem tudom, hol. 1942-ben bevonult Kunszentmiklósra [Honvéd hadkiegészítő parancsnokság volt itt a Horthy-korszakban. – A szerk.]. Ott egy nagyon jó kis banda verődött össze. Persze amikor engedély volt látogatásra, mentek a feleségek meg az ismerősök, együtt utaztunk. Az asszonyokkal nagyon jól összebarátkoztam, komoly barátságok lettek belőlük. A keretlegények viszont, erről inkább nem mondok semmit. Én, amikor csak lehetett, mentem látogatni. Meg volt szabva az idő, hogy mennyi ideig lehet beszélgetni. Ez volt 1942 tavaszától egész 1942 teléig. Onnan elvitték őket aztán Orgoványra, Páhira, ott dolgoztak tovább, elég keményen. Sokat volt levegőn, és így nem ártott akkor semmi se. Talán ha egy él a bajtársak közül. A többség sajnos meghalt.

Beköszöntött 1943, és akkor kaptak egy hosszabb szabadságot, hogy fölszerelkezzenek, hogy kiviszik őket Ukrajnába. Minden meleg holmit beszereztünk a szőrmebekecstől a térdvédőig, mindent, hogyha kikerül, csak meg ne fagyjon. Rettenetesen el voltam keseredve. Szegény anyósom is. Ő nem tudott utazni, mert a lába sérült volt, csak én mentem a család nevében, és ő mindig sütött egy kis süteményt vagy valamit, fölküldte valakivel Pestre, és én vittem a csomagot. Nem került Ukrajnába, hanem Szabadkára vitték őket. Szabadka akkor magyar terület volt. Szép város volt, ezt is volt alkalmam megismerni, csak rettentő messze volt. Ők a Palicsi-tónál dolgoztak valamit, meg az élelmiszer-elosztóban. Tehát kaja volt, ilyen probléma nem volt. Ott voltak 1943 elejétől 1944. október elejéig. Mikor lejártam Szabadkára, egy vasutas családnál szerzett nekem szállást a férjem. Ez a vasutas egy végtelen rendes ember volt, Szabadszállásinak hívták. Ingyen utazhatott, és jött föl Pestre, és hozta a fekete leveleket a fiúk hozzátartozóinak. Aztán a férjem munkásszázada részt vett a szabadkai zsidóság bevagonírozásánál [1944. május 10-ig kellett a közel 2800 szabadkai zsidónak gettóba vonulnia. A holokauszt alatt a szabadkai zsidók kétharmada pusztult el. – A szerk.]. Borzasztó volt, mikor mindegyik az ünnepre meg hétvégére meg volt híva zsidó családokhoz, és ezeknek aztán segítettek a motyóikat összeállítani, és jelen voltak a bevagonírozásnál. Ez teljesen kikészítette. Innen tudta, hogy mi vár majd a többi magyar zsidóra. Féltette az esztergomi családot. Féltett minket idehaza. 1944. október végén őket is elirányították Szabadkáról, és elkerültek a Dunántúlra, Pápára és Körmendre.

Ez már rossz előjel volt, hogy majd viszik ki őket Nyugat fele. Úgy is történt. Közben Hanukára készültünk, meg lezajlott az összeköltözés, a csillagos ház, a csillagos ház után a védett ház. Védett házban voltunk Hanukára, a mai Radnóti utca 45-ben, amikor egy délután egy csöngetés volt. Az egy csöngetés sose jelentett jót, mert mi lakók úgy egyeztünk meg, hogy két hosszú, egy rövidet csöngetünk egymásnak, hogy ne legyünk örökösen pánikfélelemben, hogy mikor visznek minket. Egy csöngetés, és megjelent jól fölöltözve, izmosan, pompásan az én Ferim, hatalmas hátizsák megtömve ennivalóval, mert az ÉLO-nál [Élelmiszer Elosztó Osztály] dolgoztak, ahol hozzá tudtak jutni kockacukorhoz, virslihez, kolbászhoz. Amit tudott, mindent összepakolt, a velünk együtt lakó dohányos hölgyeknek hozta a rengeteg cigarettát. Akkor menóráról szó sem volt, hanem volt egy kis fadarabunk, anyuka a maradék kis gyertyákból gyertyát gyújtott, és akkor érkezett meg az én Ferim, amikor már a nyolc gyertya égett, amikor már itt az ünnep, és már ég a normál, szép kis menóra! [Hanukakor nem a 7 ágú menórát, hanem a 9 ágú hanukiját gyújtják meg. – A szerk.]. Négyüket − a férjemen kívül csak Barta István és Rosenberg nevére emlékszem − engedték el, akkor már egész a határnál voltak, a nyugati határnál, nagyon-nagyon rendes századparancsnokuk volt, ez volt az egyetlen rendes ember, aki velük volt. Nem él már. Jött a négy fiú, két keretlegény hozta el őket a lakásunkra azzal, hogy csomagoljak, és megszervezték, hogy mehetünk mi, nők oda, hogyha még ott maradnak, hogy ott legyünk velük. Én megmondtam, nem hagyom itt anyukámat meg a nagynénémet, ha már nekem sikerült hazakerülni, mert én már voltam közben munkaszolgálaton. Attól eltekintve, hogy nem találtam ezt olyan megnyugtatónak. Nem volt semmi hamis papírom, hogy ottan egy vadidegen területen, egy faluban legyek, és mit csinálok, ha őket elviszik, és ott maradunk, és nem tudunk hazajönni. Úgyhogy ebből nem lett semmi, és ők másnap – minthogy a szavukat adták a századparancsnoknak, hogy visszatérnek a kerettel (valamit, kolbászbelet vagy mit kellett nekik vételezni Pesten, az megtörtént) − visszamentek. Két asszony el is ment velük. A harmadik nem, mert annak pici babája volt, illetve én se mentem. Legalább akkor láthattuk egymást egy kis időre. Ez 1944 decembere volt. Mindenki örült, hogy legalább ezt a néhány órát együtt tölthettük, és legalább elbeszélgethettünk, de ő hozta a kaját, nem mi adtunk neki. Gyalogmenetben mentek ki a nyugati határ felé, végig az Alpokon át, míg el nem jutottak Mauthausenba. Persze elkapta a flekktífuszt [A flekktífusz vagy kiütéses tífusz  magas lázzal és fejfájással járó fertőző betegség, főleg a ruhatetvek terjesztik. – A szerk.], és kórházba került hosszú időre, élet-halál között volt. Végül az amerikaiak szabadították fel, linzi és günskircheni kórházakban volt. Szerencsétlenek jót akartak, agyonetették őket mindennel, de ez nem tett jót. Mindegy, felgyógyult. 1945. augusztus tizenkettedikén érkezett haza.

Velünk itt, a fővárosban is történtek dolgok. 1944. március tizenkilencedikén bevonultak a németek [lásd: Magyarország német megszállása]. Amiről egykettőre értesültünk, mert ez egy vasárnapi nap volt, egy verőfényes, gyönyörű nap. Amikor a barátnőm és a férje megjelent délben, mi itt ültünk, ebédeltünk, és mondták, hogy „Zsuzsa! Nagy baj van, a Royal szállót megszállták a németek, már vonulnak a tankok. Sürgősen gondoskodjatok egy kis ennivalóról, és legyen mindenképpen összepakolva az úticsomag!”. Nagyon el voltunk keseredve. Itt voltunk hárman, nők, anyám, nagynéném és én, férfi sehol. Addigra már az anyósomék rég füstbe szálltak, Esztergomból az egész család [Az esztergomi zsidókat 1944. június közepén deportálták. Lásd az Esztergom szócikket. – A szerk.]. 1944 májusában már megjelentek a plakátok, hogy össze kell költözni csillagos házba [1944 júniusában adták ki a rendeletet az átköltözésről. Lásd a szócikket. – A szerk.]. Ez nem lett csillagos ház, így a Rottenbiller utcába költöztünk az unokanővéremékhez, ez elég közel is volt, kaptunk egy szobát, és legalább családi körben voltunk. Ez az iskola melletti épület. A ház az Odeon Mozi háza volt, ami később a felszabadulás után lemezgyártó lett, gramofonlemezeket gyártott. Most is valami hasonló működik ott a házban. Még véletlenül se jöttem a Damjanich utcába. Ami volt még ennivaló itt, a kamrában, azt elvittük, és ott éldegéltünk. A csillagos ház nem olyan félelmetes, bár a mozgásszabadságunk nem volt meg, csak egy bizonyos időpontban volt engedélyezve a kijárás. Engem anyukám innentől kezdve máskor sem engedett ki az utcára. Nagyon szép, jó napsütéses nyár volt, és a folyóson levegőztünk. Semmi bajunk nem történt, de azt mondta, hogy ő nem tudja elviselni, hogy valamelyik német elkapjon. Ott egy jó kis fiatalság verődött össze, én is tanítottam egypár gyereket németre, persze ingyen, hogy egy kicsit időt töltsek, és nagyon szépen megvoltunk.

A csillagos házban vegyesen éltünk, tehát nem volt az a rossz érzés. A házmesterné őnagysága nyilas volt, nagyon betartotta az előírásokat, de kijöttünk egymással. Nem húztunk ujjat egymással, mert tudtuk, hogy ő a hatalom. Ez így volt, 1944. október tizenötödikéig. Ezután volt a Szálasi hatalomátvétel, a kormányzónk tartotta a proklamációt [lásd: nyilas hatalomátvétel; Horthy-proklamáció]. Sokan azt gondolták, hogy vége a háborúnak. Az egyik lakótársunk azt mondta: „Gyerekek! Én kimegyek az utcára, és a kapuról leveszem a sárga csillagot.” Itt kezdődött a ramazúri. Mert ahogy levette a sárga csillagot, néhány óra múlva három suhanc jelent meg a házban. Éppen légitámadás volt. Lejöttek kézigránáttal az óvóhelyre, és röviden és velősen közölték, hogy „Most megdöglötök!”. Fogta a kézigránátot – így voltak a lócák, ahol ültünk, mindig úgy voltunk együtt anyukáékkal, és odasúgtam anyukának, hogy „Nem lesz itt semmi baj, mi elég hátul ülünk, igaz, hogy ennek a kézigránátnak röpülni kell”. Ennyit értettem a harcászatból. Mondom: „Rögtön lebújunk, és reméljük, hogy megússzuk.” Nem dobta, csak a szája járt ennek a stricinek. „Innen ki nem mehetnek, mert holnap majd újra jövünk délelőtt!” Volt egy-két rendes ember, akik egész éjjel teát főztek a lakásban, akik nem voltak lent az óvóhelyen velünk, és hozták le, hogy tudjunk valami meleget inni. Aztán vártunk ott, mit tudom én, tíz-tizenegy óráig, nem jött ez a csürhe, és szépen visszamentünk a lakásba, és azt hittük, hogy ezzel megmenekültünk.

Két nap múlva kolompolt a házmester, hogy a férfiak tizenhat és hatvan év között jelenjenek meg egynapi élelemmel az udvaron, mert viszik őket munkára [Több alkalommal is fölszólították a budapesti zsidókat munkára: 1944. október 22-én hirdetményeken szólítottak föl minden 16–60 éves zsidó férfit és 18–40 éves (tehát 1904 és 1926 között született) zsidó nőt, hogy jelentkezzenek „sorozásra”. Október 26-ig mintegy 35 000 zsidót, köztük mintegy 10 000 nőt mozgósítottak. Sietve munkaszolgálatos századokba szervezték, és árokásásra vagy védelmi erődítmények építésére vezényelték őket a főváros déli és délkeleti peremvidékére (Randolph L. Braham: A népirtás politikája. A holokauszt Magyarországon, Budapest, Új Mandátum Könyvkiadó, 2003). – A szerk.]. Soha többet senki nem jött vissza a társaságból. Úgyhogy a lakásunkban a négy vagy öt férfi helyett egy maradt, aki idősebb volt. A hangulat még rosszabb lett. Nyugtattuk az elhurcoltnak a feleségét, az volt az én unokanővérem, Vörös Ferencné, Wessely Klára. Őneki aztán jól alakult az élete, bár a férje soha nem jött vissza, de ő 1956-ban fogta magát, és a testvérével együtt kiment Svájcba [lásd: disszidálás]. Jómódú asszony lett, akinek sikerült egy igen rendes férjet is találnia. Kétszer két-két hetet töltöttem náluk. Kilencvenkét évet élt meg mindezek után.

Néhány napot kellett csak várnunk, mikor megjelentek a falragaszok, hogy a KISOK-pályára kell bevonulni a tizenhattól negyvenkét éves korú nőknek, szintén hátizsákkal és háromnapi élelemmel. Valami volt, hogy majd valamit dolgoztatnak bennünket. A KISOK-pályán ezrével jelentünk meg. Egy hatalmas pálya volt. Ott is mindenféle volt, volt rendőr, katona, kisnyilas, nagynyilas, mindenféle. Rengetegen voltunk. Jól fölpakolva voltam én is, vékony kabát, vastag kabát, mert nem tudtuk, hogy ez meddig lesz, hova kerülünk. Anyukám mindennel ellátott. Persze eleredt az eső, és már késő délután volt. Elindultunk gyalog a Gyömrői út felé. Mentünk, mendegéltünk, nem is nagy trappban, mert azért a kísérő se akart – gondolom – elfáradni, mert tudta, hogy messzire megyünk. Így mendegéltünk, volt, aki sírt… Rettenetes volt. Mindenki a családjára gondolt, hogy kiket hagyott itthon. Elmentünk a mostani Ferihegyi reptérre, ami akkor még nem fogadott repülőket, csak a hangárok voltak meg csupaszon, és mire besötétedett, oda bevonultunk. Persze lámpa itt nem volt. Azt se tudom, hogy mit akasztottunk az ablakra, semmit. Nagyon fájt a lábam, mert egy kölcsönkapott síbakancs volt rajtam, ami életemben nem volt a lábamon. Csupa vérhólyag volt a lábam, nem is mertem a bakancsot levenni, mert gondoltam, hogy ebbe visszabújni már nem tudok. Akkor ott a köves földre lefeküdtünk sorban, a fejem alá tettem a hátizsákot – én mindig jó alvó voltam, ami nagyon sokat segített az életemen –, lefeküdtem és elaludtam.

Úgy látszik, reggelre nagyon nagy fájdalmam lehetett, mert elvesztettem pár percre az eszméletemet, és arra ébredtem, hogy valaki rázza a vállamat, kinyitottam a szemem, és egyszerre egy ismerős nő hajolt fölém. Itt volt Pesten egy unokabátyám orvos, aki szintén bevonult munkaszolgálatra, és volt egy helyettese, ez a nő. Ő volt Martos Kata. Mondtam neki, hogy „Hogy kerülsz te ide?”. Azt mondta: „Ahogy te is. Én vagyok a század orvosnője.” Mondom, „Tudod, én ki vagyok? Én a Róbertnek [dr. Held Róbert belgyógyász Gárdos Ferencné egyik unokatestvérének, Fränkel Sárinak a férje] vagyok egy rokona”. Akkor, odasúgta, hogy „Légy nyugodt! Majd ha elindulunk holnap, akkor téged betegállományba veszlek, és majd valahogy igyekszem könnyíteni az életeden”. Reggel lett, hoztak valami lötty teát, és mondták, hogy nem maradunk ott. Az egy nagyon rendes emberke volt, aki ottan szónokolt, mondta, hogy legyünk nyugodtak, Pestszentlőrincre kerülünk, az ott van Ferihegy közelében, odasétálunk, és ott el leszünk szállásolva, mert ott van valami szalaggyár, hadiüzem, és ott fogunk dolgozni. Komolyan mondom, hogy abban a pillanatban mindenki megnyugodott. Akkor lent volt sorakozó. Soha nem gondoltam, hogy nekem még örömteli óráim is lesznek a Ferihegyi reptéren. Elindultunk Pestszentlőrincre, de rettenetesen fájt a lábam. Borzasztó sokan voltunk, nem is tudtam elképzelni, hogy ennyi nő van a világon. Nemcsak mi, nők voltunk, hanem valahogy hozzánk csapódott egy férfi munkaszolgálatos csoport is, és azok is arrafelé mentek. Mondtuk még úgy egymásnak, hogy „Ezek mit fognak csinálni a szalaggyárban?”.

Én egy kicsikét lemaradtam, mert nem bírtam követni a tempót. Odajött egy egész fiatal kis katona, kihúzta a puskáját, rám fogta, és „nagyon kedvesen” azt mondta, hogy „Te büdös pesti kurva!” – mondá az én huszonhárom évemnek. „A korzón biztosan gyorsabban tudsz sétálni. Nem lehet lemaradni, ne gondolkozzál, hogy tudnál meglógni, mert én erre vigyázok!” Körülöttünk nem volt már senki, és én persze nem feleltem semmit. Ebben a pillanatban egy szép lovas kocsi jött, a bakon ült egy közlegény, aki hajtotta a lovakat, és bévül a kocsiban pedig ült egy katonatiszt, aki rászólt erre a fiatal katonára, hogy „Ide hozzám! Megfogod a kisasszonynak a csomagját, és fölrakod a bakra, majd visszamész, idekíséred a fájós lábú kisasszonyt! Megtanulod, hogy hogy kell egy hölggyel beszélni!”. Kicsit be voltam gyulladva, hogy mi következik ezután. Már az egész társaság, akik ott mentek előttem, mindenki forgolódott hátra, hogy mit fog csinálni ez most a Zsuzsával? Kikérdezte, hogy honnan jöttünk. Mint kisült, ez egy százados volt, és elmondta, csak nem hittem neki, hogy ő lesz a századparancsnokunk. Főleg, hogy azt mondta, hogy itt van ez a hadiüzem, itt fogunk dolgozni, és ő ígéri, hogy mindent elkövet, hogy ne legyen nehéz az életünk [A hadiüzem honvédelmi munkára igénybevett (visszatartott) személyzetét katonai vezetés alá helyezhették (a munkahelyen katonai büntető bíráskodás, a munkával kapcsolatos kötelességek tekintetében pedig katonai fegyelem alatt álltak). – A szerk.].

Meleg százados volt a neve a századparancsnoknak, fogalmam se volt, hogy ki ő, hiába tudtam akkor a nevét, mikor bemutatkozott. Teltek-múltak az évek, a fiam a Hernád utcai iskola diákja lett, és ez volt a tornatanár. Én soha nem tudtam neki megköszönni a kedvességét, mert nem tudtam, hogy nem fél-e valamitől. Egyrészt, hogy zsidót mentett, másrészt, hogy mint százados felső parancsra cselekedett. Úgyhogy hallgattam. Nagyon sok év telt el, amikor a férjemmel és a barátainkkal a Hármashatár-hegyen kirándultunk, és egyszerre csak szembejött egy házaspár. A férjem azt hitte, hogy megbolondultam, mert elkezdtem szaladni feléjük, megfogtam a férfi kezét, megszorítottam, és azt mondtam, hogy „A Jóisten ezerszer áldja meg, hogy néhány órára boldoggá tett!”. Az asszony csak úgy bámult. Mondom, „Semmi nem volt, csak neked egy igaz ember a férjed”. S akkor odajött a férjem is, megköszönte, megölelte, a barátnőmnek a férje szintén, és elmondtam, hogy ilyen is létezett. Nem sok!

Tehát odakerültünk [Pestszent]Lőrincre. Egy iskolában helyeztek el minket szállásra. Nekem rögtön − nem csak nekem, hanem még volt egypár, aki betegállományban volt − a doktornő leszóratott az iskola kövezetére szalmát, és oda feküdtünk le. Nagy probléma volt, hogy az épületben volt a vécé. Igen ám, csak én nem tudtam lábra állni. Akkor megpróbáltak mentőfogással kivinni a vécére, és segítettem magamon. Reggel lett, és mondta ez a Meleg, hogy ő úgy tudja, hogy Vecsésre jön majd egy-két teherautó, ami hozza az ásókat, kapákat, és tankcsapdát fogunk építeni. Ugye meg kell állítani az orosz bevonulókat?! Ezért jöttek olyan gyorsan be, mert mi dolgoztunk. Ott is megint csak egy teát kaptunk. Éhesek voltunk cudarul. Akkor még volt útravalónk. Megjelentek a teherautók, fölsegítettük egymást, cudar nehéz volt oda fölmászni. Ott volt a rengeteg lapát meg ásó meg minden. Vecsés közel volt, nem volt probléma. Lócák voltak a teherautón, meg a földre ültünk. Elérkeztünk Vecsésre, ahol magánházakhoz voltunk beszállásolva. No nem a házat adták át a háziak, szó se róla! De a betegszoba a háztulajdonosnak a hálószobája volt, mi ottan négyen a földön feküdtünk. Az már nem köves, hanem egy nem parkettás, normál falusi szoba volt. Semmi fürdőszoba, semmi nem volt. Elég rendes emberek voltak. Egy csomóan ott voltak elszállásolva, és az udvaron volt a mosakodás a kútnál, hideg vízben. Összeverődött ott egy csomó gyógyszerésznő, kultúremberek voltak, akik nem ezt tanulták. Itt laktak valamikor a Damjanich utcában, övék volt a Murányi utcai patika, de nem emlékszem már a nevükre. Márta volt az egyik nő, elkerültek innen, úgyhogy nem találkoztunk. Én egy napot sem dolgoztam, mert betegállományban voltam. Itt voltunk Vecsésen tizenkét napot. Az volt a szerencsénk, hogy még ősz volt, nem volt hideg. Közeledett a születésnapom, az unokanővérem, aki szintén velünk volt, megbeszélte a ház asszonyával, hogy sütne egypár darab lekváros buktát, hogy valami születésnapi ajándékot tudjon nekem nyújtani. Elfogadott őnagysága pénzt érte! Ott voltunk, amíg már nagyon lőtték a szovjet csapatok távolról Vecsést, amikor jött a parancs, hogy ki kell üríteni. A németek jöttek szembe velünk az úton. Mi gyalog mentünk az ellenkező irányba. Ez pontosan 1944. november elsején-másodikán volt.

Nem tudtuk, hogy merre, hova megyünk, csak mondták, hogy csomagolni és indulás. Mendegéltünk veteményeseken keresztül az országúton, szembe a német harckocsik. Csodálatos volt, hogy abszolút nem féltünk. Sütött a nap, kellemes őszi idő volt, és megmondták, hogy most elmegyünk, azt hiszem, egészen Ecserig, és ott lesz az éjszakai pihenő, majd onnan folytatjuk az utunkat Budapest felé. Ott beszállásoltak minket megint. Én egy konyhába kerültem, már elég fáradtan. Fogtam megint a hátizsákomat, a fejem alá tettem, és a fejem a sparhelt alá került, ahol is melegedett egy macska. A macska fogta magát, és a vállamra telepedett, és ebben valahogy a sors kezét éreztem, hogy valaki vigyáz rám. Aludtam egy kicsit, reggel korán a kútnál megint egy kis mosakodás, és elindultunk. Akkor már az országúton nagyon-nagyon sok volt a menekült, akik jöttek befele, mert féltek a harcoktól. Megint bandukoltunk. Már akkor vegyesen voltunk, férfiak, nők rengetegen. Mindenki töprengett, hogy hova kerülhetünk. Mondtam, hogyha ügyeskedünk, akkor hazakerülünk. Jött egy szekér, amin ült egy apa és a lánya, mint kisült, senki más nem volt a kocsin. Hogy hogy volt ennyi lélekjelenlétem, ma se tudom. Odaszóltam neki halkan, hogy „Kedves uram! Nagyon fáj a lábam, nekem is meg a társnőmnek is – akinek a nevét ma sem tudom −, megtenné, hogy egy darabon fölszedne a szekérre? Merre mennek?” Azt mondja, „A Magdolna kórházba megyek a beteg feleségemért, viszem haza”. Mondom, „Ez nagyon jó”. Azt mondja, „Gyorsan vegye le a sárga csillagot a kabátjáról, mert nem tudom így fölvenni, mert nem lehet tudni, hogy kik igazoltatnak útközben”. Fölkászálódtam a szekérre, és mondtam a lánynak, hogy amire szüksége van, azt vegye ki a hátizsákomból, mert én most megyek haza, nekem erre nem lesz szükségem. Mondja meg, hogyha valami kis pénzt akarnak! „Nem, szó se róla!” – mondta. Valamit elfogadott a holmimból, és mikor meglátta a többi asszony, hogy én a szekéren ülök, nem tudták elképzelni, hogy mi jutott eszembe. A lovak közé csapott a papa, és mentünk. A Magdolna kórház a mai Bajcsy-Zsilinszky kórház a Maglódi úton, ami egyébként a Kozmai utcai izraelita temető felé van. A kocsis egy idő után szólt, hogy „Mi már rögtön itt vagyunk, és bemegyünk a kórházba”, úgyhogy nekünk le kellett szállni. Mondtam, „Nagyon jó, hálásan köszönöm!”.

Ott egy esőházikó volt, és tudtam, hogy ott megy a harminchetes villamos. Leszálltam a társnőmmel együtt, megvártuk a következő villamost, fölpattantunk rá. Akkor még nem volt kijárási tilalom. Korán reggel volt. Jött a villamos, fölszálltunk, és elmentünk a Fiumei út és Rákóczi út sarkára. Odáig ment a harminchetes akkor. Leszálltam, elköszöntem a társnőtől. Mondtam, hogy sok szerencsét, találjuk meg otthon a családunkat! Majd megpróbálunk egymással talán még találkozni. Odaálltam a tizennyolcas villamos megállójába, amiről tudtam, hogy befordul a Rottenbiller utcába, és nekem nagyon jó lesz, mert majdnem otthon szállok le. Ott vártam a villamost, amikor hozzám lépett egy alacsony emberke, nemzetiszínű karszalaggal és katonasapkában: „Honnan jön, kedves?” – mondja nekem. Mondtam, hogy ilyen meg ilyen számú munkaszolgálatból, ki kellett ürítenünk Vecsést, ott dolgoztunk, és most szabadságoltak minket. Lódítottam egyet. Leszereltek minket, és megyek haza. Azt súgja nekem ott a villamosmegállóban, hogy „Idehallgasson! Most nincs kijárási idő, én elkísérem magát. Ugye megengedi?”. Bemutatkozott, mondott valami link nevet, és mondta, hogy neki úgyis a Dob utca és Rottenbiller utca sarkán van dolga, és ha én a Rottenbillerben lakom, akkor ő elkísér a házhoz. Ami biztos, az biztos. Adjam oda az egyik csomagomat, ő majd viszi, és van-e nálam pénz villamosjegyre. Mondom, „Annyi biztos van”. Elkísért.

Megyünk a Rottenbiller utcába, és látom, hogy hemzseg a nyilas a házunkból. Mondom ennek, „Jókor jöttem haza. Vajon hol van anyukám?”. Azt mondja, „Majd mindjárt bemegyünk, és megkérdezzük a házmesternét”. Mondom, „Vigyázzon! Mert az egy főnyilas”. Bementünk, röpködtek le az emeletről a csomagok, amiket szajréztak. Ő bejött velem a házfelügyelőhöz, és azt mondta, hogy „Jó napot kívánok! Orován Zsuzsa most szerelt le a munkaszolgálatból, hazajött az édesanyjához”. Mire ez nyitotta a száját, és mondta, hogy „Két nappal ezelőtt el kellett hagyniuk a házat, és most éppen rámolnak a testvérek”. Az mondja, „Én meg azt kérem magától, mert maga egy rendes asszony, hogy maga a kisasszonynak fog főzni egy jó bögre teát, én elmegyek, mert nekem itt van dolgom a Dob utca sarkán, visszajövök a kisasszonyért, és maga meg fogja mondani, hogy hova költözködött a család”. Előveszi a nyilvántartókönyvet a házmesterné, és azt mondja, hogy „A Jókai utca 6-ba mentek innen el”. Rögtön megnyugodtam, mert tudtam, hogy ki lakik ott ismerős. Leültem, adott még egy kis kekszet is a házmesterné, és mondta, hogy „Mondja már, Zsuzsika, hogy hazajönnek a Bokor lányok is?”. Mondtam, „Igen, láttam őket az országúton. Biztos mindjárt itthon lesznek”. Ez volt, és tényleg ez az illető visszajött értem.

Addigra már lehetett kijárni. Levetettem fölülről a ballont, és az alsó kabátomon ott volt a sárga csillag, és nagy büszkén elvonultam. Ez az ember hozott egy fiatal fiút, akinek megmondta, hogy „Légy szíves, fogd meg a kisasszonynak a csomagjait, és vigyed!”. Szépen elindultunk a Jókai utcába. Nem is lehet elmondani, hogy örültek anyukáék. Ez volt 1944. november harmadika. Akkor megbeszéltük, hogy melyik lakásban fogok aludni, mert ahol anyuék laktak, ott nem volt már hely. Így aztán pihentettem a lábamat egypár napig. Ezzel nem volt még vége a túrának. Mert ez volt november harmadika, és november tizenötödikén reggel megint kolompszó az udvaron: „Mindenki csomagoljon!” – és indultunk az óbudai téglagyárba [1944. október 22. és 26. között mintegy 10 000 nőt mozgósítottak, munkaszolgálatos századokba szervezték és árokásásra meg védelmi munkákra vezényelték őket. Amikor november 2-án a szovjet csapatok újabb offenzívát indítottak Budapest ellen, sok századot visszavontak Budapestre védelmi munkára, majd azokat, akik az embertelen bánásmód és körülmények ellenére életben maradtak, Óbudára, az újlaki téglagyárba vitték azokkal a zsidó nőkkel együtt, akik november 2-án és 3-án kaptak különleges behívóparancsot. Innen indították őket gyalogmenetben Hegyeshalom felé, ahol átadták őket a németeknek, és a Bécset védő „Keleti falat” építtették velük (R. L. Braham: A népirtás politikája. A holokauszt Magyarországon, ford. Szentmiklósi Tamás, Új Mandátum Könyvkiadó, Budapest, 2003). – A szerk.].

Ez nagyon nem volt jó a fájós lábamnak. Mentünk, mendegéltünk, és a téglagyárhoz kerültünk, ahol a szárítóba, elegáns helyre kerültünk, és ott töltöttük az éjszakát teljes bizonytalanságban. Ott együtt volt megint a kis banda, a családom, és abban a pillanatban már meg is nyugodtam, hogy most már nagy baj nem lehet. Ki gondolt arra, hogy még meddig kell várni, hogy vége legyen ennek a szörnyű elnyomatásnak? Ott volt egy sportpálya − mert ugye a sportpálya mindig kísért, csoda, hogy nem lett belőlem sportoló −, ott reggel fölsorakoztunk, és fogtuk egymást. Ami érdekes volt, hogy ebben a Jókai utcai házban lakott egy ügyvédember, doktor Löwinger, aki nagyon ügyes volt, és megtalálta a kapcsolatot a Vadász utcai Üvegházzal, és egy csomó svájci védett papírt tudott elhozni, amit szétosztott a lakótársak között. Akinek volt írógépe − mert volt egypár a házban −, kitöltötte. Még ma is sajnálom, hogy ezt nem raktam el örök mementónak. Ezen az egy szem védlevélen fölül az volt, hogy Orován Vilmosné, az az édesanyám, alatta Orován Zsuzsa, ez alatt a nagynéném, nemhogy ugyanazon a néven, hanem Pogány Albertné néven. Tehát ebbe a kis rubrikába hármunknak a neve volt begépelve. Tartottuk ezt az egy menlevelet, és egymás kezét fogva el kellett vonulni egy bizottság előtt. Ez valami fantasztikus szerencse volt, mert egy civil ember volt ott, akire én ma azt mondom, hogy vagy a Lutz [lásd: svájci diplomaták embermentő tevékenysége] volt, vagy a Wallenberg. Ez csak feltevés, mert ott nevek nem hangzottak el. El kellett vonulni, fogtuk egymás kezét, én átnyújtottam a papírt, és mutatott erre − mert nem mindenkit mutatott bal felé, mondjuk, nem tudom már pontosan, hogy a bal vagy a jobb volt a jobbik. Akit ellenkezőleg mutatott, azok elindultak Bécs felé [lásd: halálmenetek Hegyeshalomba]. Soha többet nem jöttek vissza, legalábbis a zöme.

Mi mindnyájan elindultunk, és egy szem rendőrt adtak egy csoporthoz, és az megkérdezte, hogy „Magukat hova viszem?”. Megkérdezte udvariasan, szépen. Mondtuk, hogy Sziget utca 45-be, mert a Vadász utcával még tartott az ügyintézés. Anyukám is nagyon boldog volt, a nagynéném is, az unokanővérem is, mind együtt mentünk. Egy ismerős családdal, a Singerékkel voltunk együtt, elég sokan. Ez egy kétszoba-hallos, személyzetis lakás volt a harmadik emeleten. Több mint harmincan laktunk benne. Anyukáéknak rögtön átadta a lakás tulajdonosa az egyik rekamiét, és ők ketten odakerültek, én pedig egy Czitrom lánnyal együtt egy epedamatracon, a földön. Sokan feküdtünk így a földön. Ez volt 1944. november tizenhatodikán. Azt hittük, hogy már egy-kettő és vége lesz a dalnak. Nem így történt! Rögtön befáslizták a lábamat, és még mindig nagyon-nagyon fájt, túl volt erőltetve, botot tettem mellé, s szépen pihengettem a matracon. Amikor egy nap megint megjelent egy nyilas, és mondta, hogy itt nincsen lazsa, nekünk egy napra el kell menni, romot takarítani – mit tudom én, hova, valami nagy bombázások után voltak −, és egynapi kosztot vigyünk magunkkal. Mindenki odavolt, sírás-rívás. Nem volt mese, el kellett menni.

Lementünk a Szent István parkba, ott fölsorakoztunk, és azt mondta a nyilas, hogy ő most elmegy még egy csoportért a sarokra, és mi szépen itt álldogáljunk, de senki el ne mozduljon, mert ő leszámolta a csoportot, és az egész társaságot kiirtja, ha valaki meglép. Mi csak álltunk, álltunk, elmúlt egy félóra, még egy félóra, egyszer csak megjelent egy rendőrtiszt egymaga, egy nagyon elegáns rendőrtiszt, odament az első párhoz elöl: „Maguk mit keresnek itt?” Mondta az illető, hogy romot megyünk takarítani – hogy hova, az már kiesett az agyamból, valahol nem messzire. Azt mondja: „Tudja, hogy hova viszik magukat? A Józsefvárosi pályaudvarra.” Azt mondja: „Azt én nem hagyom.” A felszabadulás után, mikor megjelent a „Szabadság” című újság, abban megtaláltuk, hogy mit tudom én, milyen magas rangú ellenálló volt, aki beöltözött álruhába, és így próbálta menteni az embereket. Azt mondta az álrendőr, hogy „Rohamléptekben!”. Pár lépésre voltunk a háztól. Még ma is csodálkozik mindenki, hogy én imádok a Szent István parkba kimenni. Mindig eszembe jut, hogy hol is álltunk a halál torkában. Gyorsan hazaszaladtunk, ahol nagy volt az öröm. Ez volt 1944. november második fele, és akkor már nem sok idő volt hátra, karácsonykor bezárult a kör Budapest körül [lásd: Budapest felszabadítása].

Akkor már tudtuk, legföljebb itt lőhetnek agyon minket, de már ki nem visznek az országból, tehát azt mondtuk: „Ezt kell még kihúzni valahogy, ezt az időt!” Nagy nehezen sikerült. Karácsonykor rettenetes ágyúzás volt, akkor még a harmadik emeleti lakásban voltunk, de az alattunk levő lakás belövést kapott. Akkor levonultunk, aki tudott, egy földszinti lakásba, és ott maradtunk, amíg vége nem lett. 1945. január tizenhatodikán szabadítottak fel minket, tehát már nem volt sok hátra. Igaz, hogy nehéz volt kivárni, de kivártuk. Január tizenhatodikán belépett az első orosz katona a lakásba, és anyukáról leszedte a sárga csillagot, és mondta, hogy „Buda kaput”. Nem volt még kaput Buda, ott még javában harcok voltak. Itt, a pesti oldalon már éreztük a szabadság szelét, és január huszadikán összeszedtük a kis motyóinkat, és elindultunk, hazasétáltunk a Damjanich utcába. Nagy volt az izgalom, nem tudtuk, hogy áll-e a ház avagy se. Összeismerkedtünk egy anyával és a lányával, akikkel egy lakásban laktunk ott, és szerzett egy kis kocsit – nem autót! –, amire ráraktuk a batyunkat, egy kis takarót, egy hátizsákot, egy kevéske élelmet, és elindultunk a vakvilágba. Ők is itt, a hetedik kerületben laktak, tehát együtt jöttünk át a Ferdinánd hídon. Fölöttünk még húztak a német gépek. Hideg volt, nagy hó, az utcákon lótetemek. Persze a házak törmelékei is össze-vissza az utcákon. Jöttünk át a Ferdinánd hídon, betértünk a Bajza utcába, és jöttünk boldogan, anyám, nagynéném meg én. Egész úton arról volt szó, hogy vajon mi vár minket itthon. Azt mondta anyukám: „Olyan nem létezik, hogy ne maradjon semmi a földszintből se.” Ideérkeztünk. Láttuk, hogy áll a ház. Ma is láthatók a külső falon a lyukak, azóta se volt semmi tatarozás, sajnos. Állt a ház, teteje is volt. Persze ablakok nem voltak.

Bejöttünk, s egyenest a házfelügyelőhöz mentünk, aki egy nagyon becsületes, nagyon rendes ember volt. Sírva borult a nyakunkba, úgy örült, hogy jöttünk. Viszont a Kapri segéd-házfelügyelő, aki egyáltalán nem volt egy jóérzésű, csak egy rendkívül primitív ember, az azt mondta édesanyámnak, hogy „Orován néni! Még nem jelent meg a plakát, hogy hazatérhetnek”. Mondta anyuka, hogy „Semmi baj. Csak nyugodjon meg Kapri úr, mi majd itt szépen megleszünk, meglátja”. Mondta: „Hogyan fognak elférni? A maguk lakása tele van idegenekkel.” Mondtuk: „Majd megegyezünk.” A ház lakói akkor még javában az óvóhelyen voltak, a házfelügyelőnő elkísért minket a lakáshoz, megsimogattam a bejárati ajtót. Abban a pillanatban már mocorgás hallatszott bent, és egy nagyon kedves hölgy nyitott ajtót, és úgy köszöntött, hogy „Isten hozta magukat”. Nagy szerencsénk volt, mert azoknak szintén a Damjanich utcában volt egy lakásuk, csak valami belövés érte őket, de együtt akart lenni a család, és ideköltöztek a testvéréhez. Ezeket úgy hívták, hogy Kolozsváriék, és hentes és mészáros volt a férje itt, a Rottenbiller utcában. Véletlenül ugye, nagyon jól ismert minket, mert a fia idejárt valamikor óvodába anyámhoz. Tényleg kedvesen, szeretettel fogadtak. Rögtön elkezdtek tanakodni, hogy hogyan fogunk elférni. Ők mondták, hogy még délután mennek haza a Damjanich utcai otthonukba, és ott próbálnak majd meghúzódni az egyik szobában, de végül 1948-ig együtt éltünk a mi lakásunkban.

Hazajöttünk, a házfelügyelőnőnk hozott egy kis rakott krumplit, amit éppen ebédre készített saját maguknak, mindhárman leültünk itt, a saját lakásunkban, hogy együnk; nem volt semmi evőeszközünk, semmi, és hozott még villát is. Bizony, az nagyon jól esett. Megnéztük a belső szobát, mert az volt az úgynevezett „zsidószoba”, ami le volt zárva, mielőtt elmentünk. Ott volt egy-két szőnyegünk, egy szekrény, egy dívány, slussz, semmi több. Ott volt a lepecsételt telefonunk. Megpróbáltam használni. Az volt az első, hogy leemeltem a kagylót, mert én mindig nagyon szerettem a telefont. Szerettem beszélgetni mindig. Persze néma volt, süket volt még. Azt mondtuk, itt vagyunk, folyt a víz a csapból, ami nagyon sok jót jelentett számunkra. Akkor kezdtek beszivárogni a lakók vissza, a házba. Mi 1934-től 1944-ig, tíz évig itt éltünk, soha senkivel semmi összeütközésünk nem volt, mindig tudták, hogy becsületes szegény emberek vagyunk. Óvoda működött itt, tehát mindenki tisztelettel nézett az édesanyámra. Akkor belekezdtünk, hogy most hogy lesz itten. Mindenki kérdezte, hogy mi van a vőlegényemmel. Én meg egyre sírtam-sírtam, mondtam, hogy semmit nem tudok róla. Sokáig nem is tudtam. Akkor mondta a Balázsiné Anci néni, hogy még az ő egyik fia sincs itthon. A Balázsi egy vasutas család volt, még a lány is. Az egyik fia Szabadbattyánban volt állomásfőnök, ott élt. Ő a lányával lakott tulajdonképpen itt aztán, míg haza nem került a fia. Itt is maradt a házban, mert a szomszéd lakásba nősült később. Úgyhogy láttuk, hogy itten nagy baj nem lesz. Mosolygós, nagyon vallásos, nagyon rendes, istenhívő emberek voltak, katolikusok, és anyukát rögtön keresztnevén szólította, és tegezte. Zelmácskának hívta, én meg voltam a libling, a Zsuzsika. A lánya körülbelül egyidős volt velem. Mondta, hogy sok ennivalójuk nincs, de mivel a vasútnál vannak, inkább hozzájutnak ennivalóhoz. Mondta anyuka, hogy természetesen ingyen nem kívánjuk.

Édesanyám, aki nagyon talpraesett ember volt, mindig gondolkodott, nem jajgatott, hanem gondolkodott, fölment néhány lakóhoz, hogy volna-e egy-két üveg paradicsom vagy egy kis dzsem, hogy átmenetileg, amíg hozzá tudunk jutni, amíg megnyílnak az üzletek, legyen valamit enni. Készségesen adtak, apróságokat, egy kis babot, egy kis lencsét, sárgaborsót. Mi hárman, anyám, én és a nagynéném az első éjszakát végigbeszélgettük. Nagyon boldogok voltunk. Közben még erősen lőtték a budai oldalt, mert 1945. február tizenharmadikán szabadult az csak föl, de az volt a szerencsénk, hogy az itt lakók a belső ablakokat kivették, mikor elkezdődött a bombázás meg az erős légitámadások, és félrerakták. Tehát az épen maradt, és így egy szál ablakkal, de megvoltunk. Akkor anyuka rögtön átment a Nefelejcs utcába, ahol az egyik volt óvodásnak a szülei fölajánlották, hogy a pincéjükben egy nagyobb csomagot, ágyhuzatot, edényt meg tudnak őrizni, és ha úgy hozza a sors, hogy hazatérünk, akkor visszakapjuk, ha nem térünk haza, akkor az övék. Egy-két szőnyeg volt is, amit megtartottak maguknak, de nem érdekes, mert azt mondtuk, hogy ennyi kijár nekik. Akkor szépen áthoztuk este. Ez egy nagy fonott láda volt, és abban voltak ágyhuzatok, és amit itt találtunk még paplant és takarót, azzal tudtunk takarózni. Tehát nem volt semmi probléma, összebújtunk, és melegítettük egymást. Bent is volt külön egy kályha. Mi annak idején, mikor távoztunk innen, nyáron − ki gondolt akkor fűtésre? −, megmondtuk a segéd-házfelügyelőnek, hogy „Nézze – már akkor itt volt a tüzelő lent a pincében −, tudja mit? Megfelezzük. Ha hazajövünk, akkor a felét meghagyja nekünk, hogyha tél lenne, tudjunk fűteni a kis kályhában”. Azért nem nagyon örült, mikor hazajöttünk, de volt neki tüzelője, összelopkodott eleget.

Megindult az élet. Lassan szivárogtak haza azok is, akik el voltak védett házban, gettóban. Nagyon rendes családok éltek itt. Csomó zsidó család élt itt, a fölöttünk lévő lakók is, Hermannék, Fischernéék. Összejöttünk esténként, és megbeszéltük, ki hogy próbálja megszervezni az életet. Mondta anyuka, hogy ahogy lehet, folytatjuk az óvodát. Erre várni kellett egy jó hónapot. 1945. február huszonkettedikén megpróbáltuk megnyitni az óvodát. Egy óvodai asztal és négy szék lent a pincében megmaradt. A többit eltüzelte a tisztelt lakosság. Azt mondta anyuka, hogy ahogy nekiindulunk, akkor csináltatunk újat. Lassan kezdtek szállingózni a gyerekek, ami nagyon jó volt, mert mindnyájunknak lett munkája. Úgyhogy nagynéném vezette a háztartást, anyuka meg én működtettük az óvodát. Akkor újra kiváltottuk az engedélyt, az elöljáróság oktatási osztálya humánusan viselkedett. Persze mondták, hogy majd ha konszolidálódik a helyzet, akkor újra adót kell fizetni. Ha keresni lehetett, akkor az ember megfizette azt, amit kiróttak rá. Csak attól féltünk, hogy a Liget tele volt lőszerekkel, amit kilőttek, és igen veszélyes volt, hogyha isten őrizz, egy gyerek fölszedi, és a kezében robban. Azt mondtuk, hogy megkíséreljük, majd itt, egész elöl leszünk a gyerekekkel, ha kitavaszodik. Persze a Liget is szörnyen nézett ki, a fák ágai természetesen letörve, de azt nem is bántuk, mert ott szedtük össze a rőzsét, és azt tudtuk a tűzhelyben, a konyhában használni. Kimentünk a nagynénémmel, összeszedtünk egy csomó rőzsét, vittünk egy kis spárgát, összekötöttük, a hátunkra vettük, és hoztuk szépen haza. Volt mindig, amivel megfőzhessünk, mert akkor még nem volt gáz, és főleg nem gáztűzhely, hanem csak kétlángú rezsó. Kevés dolog volt, amit meg lehetett főzni, de azért minden napra jutott valami ennivaló.

Tehát itthon lehettünk, ez volt a lényeg, és nagyon boldogok is voltunk, annak ellenére, hogy egy kissé szűkösen kellett élni. Mi kinyitottuk a szobánkat, ott volt két fekhely, és ott szépen hárman, anyám, Sári nagynéném és én elhelyezkedtünk. Azokkal, akik beköltöztek, a legnagyobb békességben éltünk, 1945. január huszadikától 1948 augusztusáig. Az egyik szobában lakott így az Orován család, a másikban a kibombázottak, a többi közös helyiség volt. Nem sokáig éltünk mi így, hármasban az ideutalt családdal, mivel megérkezett a leendő férjem, és onnantól négyen voltunk. Az ő hazatérése nagyon megrázó és örömteli volt. Idejött a lakásba, de mi nem voltunk itthon, mert gyereknyaraltatást szerveztünk nyáron, fönt a Svábhegyen, a Mátyás király úton egy hatalmas, gyönyörű, két és fél emeletes villába. Most valami szanatórium van benne, azt hiszem, tüdőbeteg gyerekeknek. A házfelügyelőnő egy nagyon rendes család volt, és megmondtuk neki, hogy otthagytunk a férjemnek – akkor csak vőlegényem volt még – egy öltönyt, fehérneműt, hogyha jönne, át tudjon öltözni, és megmondtuk neki, hogy hova jöjjön utánunk. Ő megérkezett 1945. augusztus tizenkettedikén, egyenest a kórházból, Ausztriából, és tényleg megmosdott, átöltözött, adott neki ebédet a házfelügyelőnő, és ő szépen följött a Svábhegyre. Éppen ebédeltettük a gyerekeket, harminc gyerek volt velünk. Egy nagy teraszon ebédeltettünk, és etettem egy kis hároméves fiúcskát a levessel, amikor egész véletlenül előrenéztem, és megláttam egy sovány embert egész rövidke kis hajjal. Egy barátnőm volt ott, akinek ott nyaralt a gyereke velünk. Azt mondja, hogy én olyan artikulátlan hangot adtam ki, hogy azt hitte mindenki, hogy megőrültem. A nagynéném majdnem leejtette a tálcát. Szóval, nagy öröm volt.

Tudtunk neki egy nagyon szép kis szobát adni, és rögtön másnap orvost hívattam hozzá, aki elkezdte injekciózni. Kórházból jött, tehát tulajdonképpen egészséges volt, csak vitaminhiánya volt már akkor. Megvolt a nagy öröm, csak rémes volt megmondani, hogy a családjából nincs senki. Az rémes volt. 1945. szeptember huszonhetedikén megvolt az esküvőnk itt, Budapesten. Nem zsidó vallási szertartás szerint vagy nagy felhajtással, hanem polgári módon. Mert én azt mondtam, hogy akármennyire álmom vágya volt a gyönyörű fehérruhás templomi esküvő, de nem tehetem meg ezzel a szerencsétlen emberrel, hogy mellettem ott álljon az édesanyám, és őmellette senki. Úgyhogy azt mondtam neki, hogy „Édesem! Én ettől eltekintek, majd a Jóisten megáld minket, de ezt nem csinálom, hogy te örökösen arra tudjál gondolni, hogy anyád füstbe szállt, én pedig itt csinálom a…”. Úgyhogy teljesen csendes esküvő volt. A jó barátok, aki volt, az a pár ember eljött oda, a Szalai utca sarkára, az elöljáróságra. Rajtunk kívül ott volt az édesanyám, a nagynéném, Forgács Vilmos és a felesége. Megvolt az esküvő, utána itt volt egy ebéd, amit anyukám szervezett meg úgy, hogy kiment a Keletibe, elfogott egy paraszt nénit, akivel elcserélt két dunnahuzatért egy szép hízott kacsát. Ez lett lesütve, s ez volt a príma ebéd. Mert nem igaz, hogy egy jó házassághoz zaba kell, hogy kétszáz embert kell vendégül látni. Az bűn, erre ennyi pénzt adni. Azért, hogy hajón legyen az esküvő vagy a János-hegyi kilátóban? Szó sem lehetett róla! Sose csinálnék ilyen esküvőt a családtagjaimnak se. Tehát megvolt az esküvő, szerényen, szolidan, és éldegéltünk harmincöt évet a férjemmel.

Nagyon lassan megindult az élet 1945 után, de az emberek bizakodók voltak. Nem volt letargia, hogy „Jaj, még mi lehet?” vagy „Mi következhet be?”. Mindenki reménykedett, hogy legalább a hozzátartozóknak egy kis hányada haza fog térni, megnyílnak a boltok, mindenki talál majd valami, ha nem is kedvére való, de elfogadható munkát. Aki rengeteget tett a városért, Budapest ellátásáért, az Vas Zoltán volt. Egykettőre hozatott vidékről krumplit, a Blaha Lujza téren mérték ki, és mentünk ilyen szatyor, olyan szatyor, ki mennyit tudott. Ott akkor nem kellett fizetni! Bizakodásra adott okot, hogy köztársaság lett Magyarország. Tildy Zoltán volt a köztársasági elnök. Itt nem volt ez a torzsalkodás. Megvolt a Kommunista Párt, megvolt a Szociáldemokrata Párt, a Kisgazda Párt, az igen baloldali volt, aztán megváltozott. Úgyhogy azt lehet mondani, hogy visszatért az élet a városba. Az élet tehát zajlott, de a hitközség nagyon nehezen állt talpra. Egyrészt nagyon kicsi volt, másrészt főleg azzal foglalkozott akkor, hogy a deportáltakat, akik hazatértek, segítse. Ez volt az OMZSA, az Országos Magyar Zsidó Segítő Egyesület [Országos Magyar Zsidó Segítő Akció], a Bethlen téri templomnál volt egy kis iroda, és ott megjelentek a névsorok, hogy ki az, aki jelentkezett, ki az, aki úton van hazafelé. A zsidó élet nagyon nehezen indult meg. Egyrészt ugye minden templom egy kicsit sérült is volt, másrészt, én nem tudom, de az emberek meghasonlottak önmagukkal. Azt lehet mondani, hogy a zöme azt mondta: „Hol volt a zsidók Istene, hogy ezt tűrte?”

Nekem egy volt a fontos: a vőlegényem. Azt már tudtam akkor, hogy az ő egész családja elpusztult. Az nagyon fájt, de azok nem álltak még olyan közel hozzám, mert nem velük éltem. Azt már tudtuk, hogy a Felvidéken élő apai részről a testvérek már 1942−43-ban füstbe szálltak. A meglévő családból kettőről tudtuk, hogy mi történt velük. Anyám nővérének, Wessely Antalné Fränkel Róza lányának, Vörös Ferencné Wessely Klárának elvitték a férjét a Rottenbiller utcai lakásból. Róla már 1944 októberében tudtuk, hogy nem tér vissza. Az unokanővéremnek a legfiatalabb testvéréről, a Wessely Istvánról már tudtuk, hogy 1945. január ötödikén a Dunába lőtték a nyilasok [lásd: zsidók Dunába lövése]. A Jókai utcai svéd védett házból vitték ki a lakókat. Az unokabátyám ott volt, és azt már akkor tudtuk, hogy szegény a Dunában lelte a halálát. (Tavaly raktak ki először egy emléktáblát, ennyi év után!) Szóval nagyon megcsonkult a család, azt tudtuk. A férjem családjából unokatestvér maradt egypár, de különben a közvetlen hozzátartozók mind elpusztultak.

A férjem is, mint az apám szociáldemokrata volt 1948-ig. Ő is a második világháború előtt lépett be a szociáldemokratákhoz. Szintén egy baloldali ifjúsági szervezetben, a szocdem ificsoportban volt, azokkal sátorban éltek nyáron a Rómain, és ott igen élénk csevely folyt. Aztán a második világháború megzavart mindent. [A háború után] Amikor egyesült a Szociáldemokrata Párt a Kommunista Párttal, a kormánypártnak [Magyar Dolgozók Pártja] lett a tagja. Én az MNDSZ-nek voltam a tagja a felszabadulás után, valamint a Gyermekbarátok Szövetségének [A számos, gyermekekkel kapcsolatos szociális munkát végző egyesület közül valószínűleg a „»Gyermekbarát« szűkölködő és gondozás nélküli iskolás-gyermekeket gyámolító egyesületről” van szó, amely 1887-ben alakult meg Budapesten. Tevékenységéről lásd Kaszás Marianne tanulmányát: „Az egyesületi karitásztól az állami gondoskodásig. Szociális gyermekvédelem a századfordulón Budapesten”, in „Szociológiai Szemle”, 1994. 1. szám). Nem tudjuk, mikor szűnt meg az egyesület, valószínűleg az 1940-es évek vége felé. – A szerk.]. A férjem ekkoriban már tisztviselő volt, a KISOSZ-nál, a Kiskereskedők Országos Szövetségénél volt könyvelő, majd 1955-ig dolgozott a Begyűjtési Minisztériumban, az Élelmezési Minisztériumban, a Földművelési Minisztériumban, a Belkereskedelmi Minisztériumban – ahova a főosztály ment, oda ment ő is. Aztán a SZÖVOSZ-nál volt, ahol szépen haladt előre [A SZÖVOSZ (Fogyasztási Szövetkezetek Országos Szövetsége) az általános fogyasztási, értékesítő és beszerző (ún. ÁFÉSZ), a takarék- és lakásszövetkezetek 1948–1991 között működött érdek-képviseleti szerve volt. – A szerk.]. Osztályvezetővé nevezték ki, és ott volt 1980-ig.

A gyerekeink a háború után születtek. A lányom, Mariann 1947. január ötödikén született ebben a lakásban. A fiam, János 1949. december harmincegyedikén, reggel született a Péterfyben. Itt volt a két gyerek, tele voltunk gonddal, de megéltünk. Mindenki dolgozott, én reggeltől estig. Délelőtt volt az óvoda, délután korrepetáltam, németet tanítottam, oroszt tanítottam. A Magyar–Szovjet Baráti Társaságnál tanultam meg ezt a nyelvet, itt, a Fasoriban [1945 januárjában alakult meg a Magyar–Szovjet Művelődési Társaság, az alapító elnök Szent-Györgyi Albert volt, Zilahy Lajos az ügyvezető (az elnökségi, tiszteletbeli tagok stb. között volt pl. Bajor Gizi, Heltai Jenő, Kodály Zoltán, Illyés Gyula, Szekfű Gyula, Karácsony Sándor, Bay Zoltán, Bugyi István orvosprofesszor, Ortutay Gyula stb.); 1945–46-ban „Irodalom, Tudomány” címmel néhány számot megért folyóiratot adtak ki Zilahy és Szent-Györgyi szerkesztésében. 1946 elején már félmillió tagja volt a társaságnak, amely 1948-ban vette föl a Magyar–Szovjet Társaság nevet. 1953-ban már 1,3 millió taggal és nyolcezer helyi szervezettel rendelkezett. „Ország-Világ” címen hetilapot adott ki. Az 1956-os forradalom idején a társaság szétesett, 1957 nyarán Magyar–Szovjet Baráti Társaság (MSZBT) néven szervezték újjá, ekkor már tagság nélkül. 1994 óta mint Magyar–Orosz Baráti Társaság működik. – A szerk.]. Itt, mögöttünk van az Evangélikus Gimnázium, az akkor is állt, és mindig egy nagyon nagyhírű iskola volt, és ott volt ez az orosztanfolyam. Akkor volt csecsemő a fiam, de én azt gondoltam, hogy egykettőre iskolások lesznek. Olyan ne létezzen, hogy valamit kérdeznek tőlem, és én ne tudjak segíteni. Két-három ismerőssel megbeszéltük − azoknak is voltak gyermekeik –, és azt mondták, hogy „Te Zsuzsa! Nincs kedved oroszt tanulni?”. Mondom, „Dehogynem”. Beiratkoztam heti kétszer. Miután este befejeztem a pénzkereső munkát, este héttől kilencig volt tanfolyam, itt a Fasoriban [Fasori Gimnázium, a Budapest-Fasori Evangélikus Gimnázium köznapi neve], mögöttünk. Mondtam, ez olyan közel van, ez nem probléma. Megvacsoráztam, elmentem. Amire hazajöttem, addigra a férjem már megfürösztötte a babát, és akkor én megszoptattam. Egy ide férjhez jött tanárnő tanított minket, igen lelkesen. Nagyon-nagyon agilis volt. Jókedvvel csináltuk, dacára a késő esti óráknak. Én nem akartam hatalmas nyelvvizsgát, hanem csak annyit, hogy egy igeragozás, egy egyszerű mondatszerkesztés, és el tudjam olvasni a cirill betűket. Mindig azt mondta a férjem, hogy „Ha te ezt meg tudod tanulni, akkor kalapot emelek!”. Mondom, „Először legyen kalapod”. Úgyhogy nagyon lelkesen csináltam, és a mai napig nem lehet eladni. Mikor iskolába került a lányom, ötödikben kezdték az oroszt, és csak úgy ámultak-bámultak az anyukák, akik jöttek a gyerekekért délben a suliba, hogy „Te tudsz oroszul?”. „Igen.” „Nem segítenél Marikának?” „Nem segítenél Pistikének?” „Dehogynem.” És jöttek a gyerekek sorban oroszt tanulni, úgyhogy kihúztam őket mindig a rossz jegyekből. Mindig nagyon kevés pénzt kértem. Buta voltam, nem voltam elég jó üzletasszony. Bizony, jól jött az a kis plusz pénz. Nemrég találkoztam azzal az orosztanárnővel, és azt mondta, hogy „Mondd, te honnan tudtál oroszul?”. Mondom, „Úgy, hogy beiratkoztam, és egy valódi orosz nő tanított”.

Az iskolatársakkal is sikerült felvenni lassan a kapcsolatot. Nem mindegyik volt kedves emlék. Találkoztam egy régi iskolatársammal, aki keresztény volt. A Fasorban futottam össze vele. „Jaj, de örülök, hogy látlak!” – mondta, és kezdte mesélni, hogy ő mennyit szenvedett. Mondom: „Álljon meg a menet! Én nem mondtam semmit, te se mondjál semmit! Nem versengünk!”. Apropó, iskola: még a hatodik gimnáziumban az osztályfőnöknőnk azt mondta, hogy „Gyerekek! Mindenki vegyen elő egy levélpapírt, egy borítékot, és írja meg, hogy mi szeretne lenni. Ezt én elrakom egy dobozba, leragasztom a dobozt, ahhoz nem nyúlhat senki, és a tizedik érettségi találkozón – tehát ez 1950-ben volt – fölnyitjuk, ha élünk, és mindenki fölolvassa, amit akkor fogalmazott. Az a kérésem, hogy mindenki egy fényképet is ragasszon a levélre”. Megvan a mai napig. Az egyik osztálytársnőnk az Orbánhegyi úton lakott, és az ő házuk – nem a saját háza volt – kertjében tartottuk a tizedik érettségi találkozót. Turóczi professzor is jelen volt az osztályfőnökünkön kívül, hosszú asztalnál ültünk a kertben, igen jó hangulatban, és rám bökött, és azt mondja, hogy „Fogadjunk, Orován, hogy magából dedós lett!”. Így emlékezett, hogy nálunk óvoda volt. Tudniillik a történelem-földrajz szakos tanárnőnknek a fia a szomszéd házban lakott, és idejárt óvodába. Mondom: „Nyert, Professzor Úr! Az lettem.” Azt mondja, „Ezt szeretem hallani”. Megünnepeltük a tizediket, a tizenötödiken jelen volt az Aczél elvtárs is, a Margitszigeten [lásd: Aczél György]. Elkezdték a lányok mondani, hogy Aczél elvtárs így, Aczél elvtárs úgy, és azt mondta, hogy „Egy pillanat, lányok! Álljatok csak meg! Én nektek ugyanúgy Gyuri vagyok, mint ahogy akkor voltam”.

Az 1951-es év nagyon nehéz volt, mert akkor már nagyon szorított a hurok mindenütt. Rengeteg embert kitelepítettek, jogtalanul [lásd: kitelepítések Magyarországon]. Olyat is, akinek volt egy üzlete, de egyébként nem is volt nagykereskedő, meg mit tudom én, bankhivatalnokot, és hónapokat voltak kitelepítve, nagyon rossz körülmények között. Ebbe zsidók is belekerültek, azok után, hogy min mentek keresztül. Akkor kellett volna, ha lehetett volna, elmenni. Nem voltunk elég bátrak. 1948-ban sem gondolkodtunk az aliján. Olyan konszolidáltak voltak a viszonyok, és mindnyájunknak megvolt a kenyérkeresete, hogy akkor még teljes bizonytalanságba nem mertünk volna elmenni. Attól eltekintve, hogy én elhatároztam, ha már egyszer megmaradtam anyuka mellett meg a nagynéném mellett, akiknek semmi fix jövedelmük vagy nyugdíjuk nem volt, akkor nem hagyjuk el őket. 1956-ban sem tettük meg. Pedig újra kezdődtek a zsidózások. Ez már velejárója a nyomornak. 1956-ban féltünk, lehívtuk a harmadik emeleten lakókat, a gyermekes családokat, és szépen itt elhelyeztük őket. Mindegyik család kapott egy szobát egy-két-három gyerekkel. Azért, hogy nehogy belövés érje őket, mert lőttek jobbról-balról. Úgyhogy be voltunk rezelve. Nem voltak pogromok, ilyesmi nem volt. Mivel Rákosi Mátyástól kezdve Gerő Ernőig mind zsidó volt, Péter Gábor satöbbi, természetesnek tartottuk, hogy föl fog lángolni [az antiszemitizmus]. A férjemnek volt egy nagybátyja vagy nagynénje New Yorkban, akik akkor már küldték az IKKA csomagokat, egy kis rizst, egy kis kávét, egy kis kakaót, egy kis teát, és leveleztünk velük, és akkor nagyon csalogattak minket, hogy „Gyertek! Gyertek!”. [Az IKKA-utalvány (IBUSZ Külföldi Kereskedelmi Akció rövidítése), melyhez Nyugaton élő rokonok révén vagy a feketepiacon lehetett hozzájutni, egyfajta csekk volt, amellyel vásárolni lehetett a kizárólag dollárért árusító boltokban az ötvenes évek elején a kiskereskedelemből teljesen hiányzó élelmiszerféléket („igazi” kávé, kakaópor, csokoládé stb.) és ruhaneműt, később hiánycikkeket (porszívót, padlókefélőt, gáztűzhelyt, varrógépet, fürdőkádat, Pannonia motorkerékpárt, de akár autót – Moszkvicsot, Trabantot és Wartburgot – is). „Lehetett rendelni csomagot is, Susan, Kitty, Bessie, Caroline, Roma és Iris fantázianeveken. A legdrágább a Caroline volt, huszonöt dollárért fél kiló teát, két kiló kávét, egy kiló kakaót, két doboz szardíniát, egy üveg rumot, egy kiló kekszet és egy kiló cukrot mértek bele.” Lásd még N. Kósa Judit írását: http://www.nol.hu/gyujtesek/lelohely/framed/6731/. – A szerk.]. A férjem még benne is lett volna, mert ő rendkívül ügyes ember volt. Szorgalmas volt, kézügyessége is volt, feje is volt. Tudta azt is, hogy én is akárhol tudok csinálni egy óvodát. Már-már ráálltunk volna, de akkor mindig megjelent előttem, hogy mit csinál majd ez a két asszony itt nélkülem.

1952-ben megvonták az óvodaengedélyt. Hiába volt faliújság, minden [A faliújság az ötvenes években szovjet mintára erőltetett agitációs-propaganda eszköz volt az iskolákban és munkahelyeken. Politikai jellegű irományok mellett az iskola / munkahely „életével” kapcsolatos „anyagokat” tartalmazott (élen járó tanulók / dolgozók; az iskola / osztály „szégyenei”, akiknek a teljesítménye rontja az osztály, műhely stb. átlagát, a notórius elkésők stb.). „Szerkesztése” az ún. faliújság-felelős kötelessége volt. – A szerk.], járt itt a szakfelügyelő, adófizető állampolgárok voltunk az elöljáróságon. Az összes magánóvodát bezárták [Tulajdonképpen már 1948-ban (XXXIII. tc.) rendelkeztek a „kisdedóvódák” (valamint iskolák és tanulóotthonok) államosításáról, de akkor még lehetett mentességet kapni. Lásd: iskolák államosítása Magyarországon. – A szerk.]. Itt volt a nagy kérdés: miből élünk? Akkor azt mondta anyuka: „Mi úgyis itt vagyunk ketten – Sári néni meg ő –, mi vezetjük a háztartást, ideveszünk négy gyereket napköziszerűen.” Akkor váltott tanítás volt a suliban. Az alsó tagozat járt délelőtt, mondjuk, a felső járt délután. Én mentem értük az iskolába, idehoztam őket, megebédeltek, leültek odabent, az volt a gyerekszoba, megcsináltuk a leckét, és délután ötkor jöttek a kedves szülők értük, és szépen vitték haza a csemetéjüket, becsomagolt táskával, és a drága szülőknek semmi gondjuk nem volt. Levegőn voltak a gyerekek, mert kivittem őket mindennap a Ligetbe. Tanulás megvolt, én kérdeztem ki a biológiától a matematikáig mindent. Mentek a dolgok. Nem volt semmi. Ki tudtuk fizetni a villanyt, a gázt, mindent, és békesség volt. A férjem nem lett miniszter, hál’ istennek. Nagyon szorgalmas volt, nagyon megbecsülték.

A Kádár-korszakban nyugalmas élet volt. Lehetett tervezni, hogy most tizenkét hónapos részletre veszünk egy asztalt, egy hűtőszekrényt. Szépen és tisztességesen meg tudtunk élni. Az óvoda államosítása után kezdtünk iskolás gyerekeket kosztoltatni, ebédeltetni. Két műszakban tanítottam, délelőtt-délután. Kemény munka volt, de megérte, mert nem voltak anyagi gondok. A nagynéném továbbra is itt volt, és anyuka is, hál’ istennek, itt volt. Anyukám egész 1970-ig élt, a nagynéném 1977-ig, és el kellett őket is tartani. Anyuka haláláig volt kosztadás, utána leálltunk avval, és csak tanítottam. Akkor már nem volt két műszak, úgyhogy csak délelőtt jártak a gyerekek suliba, és délután szépen tanítottam, egészen 1978-ig. Hét-nyolc gyerek mindig járt ide − ez nem volt rossz kereset −, és utána még nyelvet tanítottam este. Mert ez nagyon ment, a némettanítás. Mert én soha nem kértem nagy összegeket, mint ahogy ma divat. Ma csak ámulok-bámulok, akivel beszélek, és akar egy nyelvet tanulni, a gatyája is rámegy.

1973-ban férjhez ment a lányom, Mariann Szendy Bélához. Ő katolikus, de jobb zsidó egy zsidónál. Rendes fickó, ügyes fiú. Nem így lett nevelve, de úgy látszik, a házassága megváltoztatta. Akkor jöttek az igazi nagy gondok, mert Gödöllőn volt az anyósának lakása. A férjem egész egyszerűen nem tudta elviselni, hogy a Barbikát, ezt a pici lányt mózeskosárban hurcolják a HÉV-en − akkor még metró sem volt, azt hiszem −, télen-nyáron, mindig. Imádta az unokáját, nagyon-nagyon szerette. Végül a vállalaton keresztül segítséggel, részletre tudtak venni egy lakást odakinn, de a mai napig is kinn laknak. Gödöllőn rém kevés zsidó van. A lányom harminchárom éve él Gödöllőn, és mindig azt mondta, hogy „Csak egy felet látnék!”. Se piacon, sehol.

A Kádár-korszakban nem észleltünk már antiszemitizmust. Akkor már kezdtünk újra a vallással is foglalkozni. Más volt az élet, mint azelőtt, mert akkor egész más volt a kormány. Más lett a hitközség is. Nem volt annyi furkálódás, nem volt kenyérharc. Akkor már el is jártam a hitközségbe. Én a Bethlen téribe jártam és járok, de nem rendszeresen péntekenként, csak az ünnepekre. Aztán jártam egy csomószor, amíg jobban tudtam mozogni, a Dohány templomba [lásd: Dohány utcai zsinagóga]. Azt nagyon szerettem, amikor a Frédi [Schőner Alfréd] volt a Dohány templomban a főrabbi. Most az ORZSE [Országos Rabbiképző Intézet] rektora. Az egy nagyon jó fej volt, jó orgánuma volt.

A férjem huszonhat éve [1980-ban] halt meg. Akkor még vállaltam néhány gyereket, nem sokat már, azokkal foglalkoztam. Aztán szépen abbamaradt az egész. Én is megöregedtem, és maradt a háztartás, ami rám szakadt, amit soha nem csináltam, mert mindig anyámék vezették a háztartást, és azt mondtam: „Három nő nem lehet egyszerre a konyhán.” Ezzel takaróztam. Meg nem is szerettem, megmondom őszintén. Aztán szépen bele kellett jönnöm. Szegény drága anyám mindig azt mondta: „Mi lesz veled, Zsuzsikám?” Mert én egy teát és egy rántottát tudtam csinálni, de aztán slussz. Mindent meg lehetett tanulni, és ma egy prímán főző nagymama lettem.

1998-ban jött a szívinfarktusom, és leállt a munka is. Mert akkor már nem mertem tovább csinálni. A fiammal lakom együtt. János kereskedelmi szakiskolát végzett, mindig itt lakott velem. Eléldegélünk. Életjáradékot kaptam a saját életem után, és ugyanannyit kapok a férjem után is. Nem nagy összeg, de jó, hogy van. Aztán a Claims Conference a gettósoknak adott egy nyugdíjat, amit évek óta negyedévenként folyósítanak, és remélem, még fognak is. Ez volt a kárpótlás. Úgyhogy mentek ezek a dolgok is.

A régi ismerősök pedig nem feledik a régi, békés szép időket. Ilyenek az óvodásaim. Az egyiknek, akivel évekkel ezelőtt összetalálkoztunk itt, az utcában, azt mondtam: „Mit szólnátok hozzá, ha megünnepelnénk a nyolcvanadik születésnapomat a Béke Szálló Zsolnay cukrászdájában? Az én vendégeim lesztek, ti szervezzétek meg!” És ez így is lőn. A volt kis óvodások, akik akkor már a jó hatvanas éveiket taposták, én a nyolcvanat. A fiam fogadta a vendégeket az előcsarnokban, a lányom, az unokám fényképezett. Nagyon szép ünnepség volt. Most a nyolcvanötöt nem ültük meg, mert több haláleset történt sajnos, és azt mondtam, hogy ezt nem tartom összeegyeztethetőnek, hogyha a kortársaik közül hatvan év alatt egypár elment.

A zsidó ifjúság is dolgozik, közreműködik a vallás és a zsidóság felvirágoztatásában. Ami számomra megnyugtató. Látom az unokám baráti körében, hogy nagyon sokan mennek Izraelbe tanulni. Tizenhat évvel ezelőtt megjelent az „Új Élet”-ben egy hirdetés, hogy a Joint Szarvason szervez zsidó származású gyermekek részére tizenkét napos turnusokban táborozást, ahol megismerik a zsidó életet [A szarvasi tábor alapítója a Lauder Alapítvány, fogadnak zsidó tizenéveseket szerte a világból: Európából, az Egyesült Államokból, Etiópiából, Izraelből stb. Főként a zsidó hagyományőrzésre összpontosít. – A szerk.]. Én ezt elolvastam, és a lányomat azonnal fölhívtam, és azt mondtam, hogy „Marikám! Beszéld meg a férjeddel, hogy mit szól hozzá, ha én állom a költségeket. Mit szól hozzá, hogyha a gyerekek elmennek egy turnusba?” Elmentek. A Dohány templom elől indult a két vagy három autóbusz. Ott álltam a Dohány utca sarkán, míg el nem ment a busz, és a boldogságtól potyogtak a könnyeim, hogy énnekem megengedte ezt megélni a Jóisten. A Barbara olyan jól érezte magát, hogy mikor hazajött, azt mondta, hogy „Mehetnék a következő transzporttal is?”. „Persze hogy mehetsz.” Egyszer lementem a táborba meglátogatni egy vasárnap, és el voltam ragadtatva, hogy milyen jó körülmények között vannak. Műsort adtak, szerepeltek, hóráztak. Szóval Barbara rendkívül szerette ezt, és egy év, második év, következő év. Mindig megkérdeztem, „Akarsz menni?”. „Hát, persze!” A konyha vezetője, egy [magyar származású] izraeli, úgy látszik, megkedvelte az én unokámat, és mikor barheszt sütöttek, mindig kihívta a nagykonyhába, és szépen tudja a barheszt fonni – nagyanyja nem tudja, de ő tudja. Mindent a világon tud a zsidó ünnepekről. Azóta sok év eltelt, ő felnőtt. Már nem mint diák, hanem mint madrich van ott. Izraelben volt, és amikor a Bálint Ház megnyílt [Bálint Zsidó Közösségi Ház, 1994-ben alapították. Működését az Amerikai Joint és a MAZSIHISZ támogatja. – A szerk.], bekerült az Olami Klubba [A Bálint Házban működő egyik játszóházról van szó. – A szerk.], amit ő vezet. Úgyhogy én rendkívül boldog vagyok.
 

Tomasz Miedzinski

Tomasz Miedzinski
Warsaw
Poland
Interviewer: Anka Grupinska
Date of interview: December 2003; January, February 2004

I met Mr. Miedzinski in Grzybowo, contemporary Warsaw's mini Jewish quarter. (Grzybowo is home to most of the Jewish organizations, the synagogue, a theater, a kosher shop, and a restaurant run by Israelis.) We spent many hours talking in the welcoming Schorr Foundation library. Mr. Miedzinski agreed to the interview because he considers it his duty to tell others.

My name is Tomasz Miedzinski and I come from Horodenka, a small town in eastern Galicia 1. Once I was called Tewie Szwach. The name in my papers was Tobiasz. Before the war all my immediate family lived in that town, both my paternal grandparents and my maternal grandparents. I was born in 1928.

I don't remember my grandma, my father's mother; she died in the early 1930s. I don't even know what her name was. My grandfather - my father's father - was called Abram Szwach. Granddad Awrum, that's what we called him, was a tailor by trade. I know that for some time after World War I my grandparents lived in Zaleszczyki [Zalishchyky, present-day Ukraine]. I remember my grandfather as a very old man: hunched and hardly able to walk. I suspect that in 1937-1938 he might already have been 87 or 88. Granddad Awrum lived with his youngest son, who was called Kopel Szwach. Kopel had his own house, you see. Kopel was a carpenter, like almost all the men in the family, in fact. Kopel was about four to six years younger than my father. My father was born in 1898. He was called Josef Szlojme, Jozef Salomon [the second is a Polish version of the names]. There were at least six children in my father's family. But the only ones I knew were the eldest, Uncle Icek, who ran a fruit stall at the bazaar with his wife; Uncle Kopel; an aunt who lived in Zaleszczyki, but I can't remember her name, and Aunt Estera, the wife of Chaim Frajer - they lived in Horodenka.

I remember my grandparents on my mother's side very well, because until I was six I was brought up by them. My granddad was called Berl Kupferman. Kupferman is like Miedzinski [the stem of both the Jewish and the Polish names means copper]. Berl Kupferman came from a village called Kolanki, between Horodenka and Zaleszczyki. He was a furrier. He was short, with a beard, a man of exceptional goodness and very proud - that's how I remember him. My grandmother's brother, Hersz, also lived in Kolanki. Grandma was called Menia. Her maiden name was Gutman. I think she was born in the 1870s, and I think she was from Horodenka. Granddad married into Horodenka, you see. They had six children: two sons and four daughters.

Granddad Berl took part in World War I; he was a soldier in the Austrian army [see KuK (Kaiserlich und Koeniglich) army] 2. He was on the Italian front 3 when they used gas bombs, and he partially lost his sight. And then after the war he got diabetes and went blind altogether. But that didn't stop him being a shammash in a prayer house. Mama always told us how at 5.00 or 5.30 in the morning, winter or summer, he would walk the several hundred meters with his stick to the prayer house and clean and tidy up there. And he would walk past our windows, and my mother, who on Fridays always got up in the early morning hours to bake bread for the whole week, would look out of the window and by the light of the streetlamp would see Granddad trudging, often through the snow, and feeling the way with his stick. Sometimes he would fall into the ditch somewhere along the way - there were ditches in our town because there wasn't a sewage system - and then Mama would have to dash out to help him out of the ditch and show him the way.

Granddad Berl lived with Grandma Menia and their youngest daughter, who was called Frajda. Frajda was born in 1914. She was a tailor. She got married in 1939 or 1940, I think, to Hersz Wajcman. Aunt Frydzia, that's what we called her, had her own Singer sewing machine. Their middle daughter, Sara, born in 1902 or 1903, emigrated in the early 1920s to the United States. There she married Natan Oxhorn, and they basically spent their whole lives there, had children, and grandchildren - an American family. My mama, Chaja Klara, was born in 1900. And then there was a fourth daughter, called Cypora, who some time in the mid-1920s emigrated to Uruguay. We kept in touch with her and Aunt Sara during the war. The oldest son was called Frojm and was a tailor, and the youngest son, the youngest child in the family, was called Szlojme and was a tailor too. Frojm and Szlojme lived in Horodenka with their families. I knew them all personally; we saw each other every day.

Tailors, furriers and carpenters, those were the trades in our family. Grandma Menia helped out with the furs too. She mended peasants' sheepskins and did it very neatly; that was her contribution to the family income. The peasants would bring us a sack of potatoes for the winter, or sometimes a few pence. I helped Grandma with that a little. Sometimes I would tar the coarse threads - rub them with tar to make them harder and impregnated. We used tar for black sheepskins and paraffin for light-colored ones. I threaded the needles, because Grandma's eyes were bad by then.

Father was tall, Mama was of medium height. Mama was pretty; she had black hair cut short. For me there was no woman more beautiful. In the winter she would always put a woolen shawl on her head. Father wore a peaked cap, and a gray hat with a brim on holidays. Father was slim - he'd worked very hard since the age of 14, so he was muscular and a very strong man. I think he was handsome. At home they used to tell us that my mom was supposed to go the States, and she got the affidavit [papers enabling emigration], but then she fell in love with my father and passed up the trip in favor of her sister Sara. They didn't get married by shidduch. Times had moved on by then. Perhaps they met in a club or something.

Mama completed elementary school. And during World War I she spent a year in Austria, because Granddad was in the army at the time and Grandma was escaping from the Cossacks 4 with small children. When the Germans came, Mama always said that it was impossible, that the Germans, with their culture, with their history, Goethe, Heine... [commit all the crime they did]. And so we didn't escape. When the Germans attacked the Soviet Union, they reached us, Horodenka, within a few days. And then my parents said that no, we were staying, but that Rywka, the eldest, she should escape with the Wajcmans. If something were to happen to us, then at least she would survive.

Our mom was so gifted at sewing that she could patch up anything. If any of our clothes were handed down from older children to younger ones, they were always neatly patched. I remember one of our mistresses, called Liebster, who taught us religion in 1938. And there was this son of a horse-food merchant, who always came to school ragged, all dirty. And Mrs. Liebster would often shout at him: 'How can you come to school in such a state!? Come here, Tobiasz,' - that's what they called me at the Polish school - 'come here, show us what you look like.' And she would show all the children my carefully patched clothes. And I was very embarrassed, I felt humiliated.

Father made everything a carpenter could make: furniture, window frames, doors, coffins. He would sell it on Tuesdays at the market. The Ukrainian peasants would bring their produce to sell, and then they would wander round and buy tables, chests, chairs, benches or coffins. We helped Father. I remember that we used to walk to Ofenberger's wood yard, for instance, two kilometers or so away, and carry one or two planks back on our own backs. That way we saved on the price of the cart.

There were five of us children, and our house - my parents' house - took many years to build. I never hide the fact that ours was a poor family; there was often not enough food to feed five children and two adults. I was the middle son; there were a sister and a brother before me and two brothers after me. I was Grandma's favorite. I was a chatterbox, and always ready to help, and Grandma all but adopted me - I even slept in the same bed as her until I was six, until our house was finished and my parents took me back. When I was seven I started going to school; I went to the first grade in 1935, and then I left Grandma's home for good. In fact, it was really she who brought me up.

Do you know when a poor Jew eats meat? Either when the chicken is sick or when the Jew is sick. I think our parents tried very hard to make sure there was always food in the house. It wasn't fancy food, but we didn't go hungry. Mama baked the bread herself. In the new house, Mama made the dough on Thursday, and on Friday she got up at dawn to bake the seven loaves, large, two kilo ones. On the whole, wheat flour wasn't really used much; it was a mixture of wheat and rye, or rye - black bread. And one of those loaves lasted a day. We took a slice of bread and lard to school. Meat was the best, of course: chicken, or cold minced patties on Saturdays, these flat meatballs made from beef. Veal and poultry were very expensive. Under Soviet rule we started eating pork.

Mama cooked on the hob, on a brick stove. That stove heated the whole house, and when it was very cold Father put a cast-iron stove in. On the large cast-iron hob there were hotplates. Metal rings covered the fire, which never went out. Mama baked bread in the oven on stone slabs. First she put the dough into straw molds and then put them into the oven on a paddle. I was very fond of that brick stove, because you could climb up a little ladder onto the stove-corner and sleep there cozily in the warm.

For the midday meal we ate ayntopf [one course meal]: mostly potatoes, carrots and beans. It was so thick that the spoon stood straight up in it. On Saturdays there was always clear chicken soup with noodles, some kind of meat, mince. We rarely had fish, only at holidays, really. One dish was very popular - mamaliga. Mama always cooked mamaliga in a metal pot: a little salt, a little fat of some sort, sunflower oil, and then you very slowly tipped corn-flour into the boiling water, stirring all the time, until the soup was very thick. When it had cooled, you turned the pot upside-down onto a slat and it came out in a single lump. And you could eat it in one of two ways. Either you cut it into little cubes and ate it with milk, usually for breakfast or supper, and then it was called mamaliga with milk. Or you made slices using a special utensil, a kind of guillotine: two wooden handles attached to a thin steel wire, and you cut the block into slices using the wire. In Ukrainian it was called kulesha. We loved mamaliga with white beet jam, also made by Mama. Sugar beets were very popular because there was a sugar factory in Horodenka, and in fall when the peasants brought them in from the fields on their carts, we would gather the ones that fell off. And we used them to make jam, which lasted the whole winter.

My parents were very keen that my elder brother, Mojsze Mendel, should get an education. He was born in 1926. He was an unusually gifted boy. Then, of course, we still didn't have electricity. We had kerosene lamps at home. Mojsze Mendel, for instance, could make an electric bell using a battery and a few bits of some electric wire. And that caused a stir on the whole street. He was very talented mathematically. We went to a boys' school; there weren't any co-educational schools. There were Polish and Ukrainian grammar schools. Our arithmetic teacher, Lejb Rajf, also taught math at the Polish grammar school. And once there was this incident, in 1938, when my brother was in the 4th or 5th grade, when Rajf sent a trap from the Polish grammar school for my brother, so that he could show the grammar school kids how to solve a particular problem. He wanted to shame them by showing them that a 5th-grader could do things like that. Well, two or three days later, the boys from the grammar school lay in wait for him as we were coming back from cheder in the evening; they threw a coat over his head and beat him up terribly. And that was the price of solving a math problem.

Szmulek, my younger brother, was born in 1932, and Mordechaj in 1934. I can't say much about Szmulek and Mordechaj; they were just small children. Szmulek went to cheder with me, but the youngest didn't have the chance. My oldest sister was called Rywka. She was born in 1924. Before the war she went to the Polish elementary girls' school. There wasn't really a Jewish school, just a semi-private Hebrew school and we couldn't afford it. After the Germans attacked the Soviet Union in 1941 [the beginning of the so- called Great Patriotic War] 5 Rywka didn't go to grammar school; she went to nursing school. Shortly afterwards she escaped to the Soviet Union with Aunt Frydzia and her husband Herman Wajcman. Only Rywka and I survived the war. She lives in Israel today.

I remember Grandma Menia's house from my earliest childhood. It was probably built either before World War I or just afterwards. It was a two- story house and it had three rooms. One was rented out to a poor family with two children, and another to another family with children. As well as Grandma, Granddad and Frydzia, who lived on the second floor, my family lived downstairs; we had a room with a veranda which overlooked the garden. And then there was the carpentry bench as well, because Father worked at home.

So we lived in this one room. Try to picture it: a room of about 16 square meters, a kerosene lamp hanging in the middle. True to the adage that the cobbler's children are the worst shod, some rickety old sticks of furniture. Off to one side there was this peasant stove, which we cooked on winter and summer. There was hardly room to turn round in there really. Everybody slept together - the boys with Father in one bed, one older brother slept on a fold-down bed on the floor - my sister slept with Mama - and sometimes there wasn't room for the fourth, so they'd roll a straw mattress out on the floor. I was with Grandma. And the youngest, Mordechaj, was born in that dark room. There's a joke: why do poor people have so many children? Because wherever Dad goes, Mom is right there. There weren't any windows, just the door straight out onto the yard, and another door into the other room where the tenants lived. It was very cramped.

The lavatory, made with planks, was down the garden. Once a year at night a cleaner came who took the excrement out and scattered it in a field somewhere. I remember that, because for two or three days afterwards the smell hung over the whole street. And so the lavatory cleanout was moved to the winter, so it could be hacked out with something metal, a rod, rather than scooped out with a spade.

Sometime in the mid-1930s my parents came to the conclusion that they needed their own place, and they started working towards building their own house. And they bought a site at 60 Rynek Street - either in installments, or perhaps my father was to pay it off in carpentry. That didn't mean my parents had got rich. No. But a house was a must; they had to make the effort. So there in Granddad's yard, my parents and Granddad Berl, my blind grandfather, made the bricks themselves. There was earth, sand, clay and horse manure. All that was mixed together in a pit and made into shapes, these rectangular blocks. And I remember that the yard was always full of those bricks. They dried in the sun. And that was the material used to build our house. The foundations were built of stones brought from all over the neighborhood. The peasants that did business with Father, who ordered carpentry work from him, had carts and collected the stones. That type of cooperation was called sharvark. And then the walls were built on top of those foundations with our bricks, and a few furnace-fired bricks were used as well.

When Pilsudski 6 died, in 1935, we were already living in that unfinished house. My parents were very keen that the house should have a tin roof, and not a shingle or tiled roof, and they were successful. The first story and the second story were finished: two rooms and makeshift stairs. There were two rooms upstairs too. The most beautiful room, because it was sunny, was occupied by a more distant aunt, Sara, and her husband. They were to live there free for the rest of their lives, because she had lent $50 for the building of the house. We moved into the one room where there was a bread oven; there was a stove with hotplates on which meals were cooked, and then under the window was the carpentry bench and Father worked at that bench. Two rooms were rented out to some paupers. It wasn't much of an improvement, but we felt somehow more sure of ourselves, because we were in our own house. Just before the war Father even had a helper and bought new tools. Mama had a Singer sewing machine. The sub-tenant freed up a room and our situation improved. This was just before the war.

Our house looked sturdy and good, although it might have seemed a flimsy technology. It is no longer there. It was taken down by the neighbors when the Germans made our town Judenfrei 7, when we were driven out. The Ukrainians took the building materials and the tin from the roof. And I saw the stones and bricks scattered around when I went back to Horodenko in 1944. There was just a pile of rubble in the place where our house had stood.

I remember Horodenka well. Rynek Street was in the center. It was a street of single-story detached and semi-detached houses. There were fewer two- story houses and so ours stood out a little. It was a typical Jewish street. The only non-Jewish resident, Mr Dylewski, a Ukrainian, had a restaurant three doors down from us. The street ran along one side of a large square down to the town bathhouse. Jewish artisans lived and worked on Rynek Street. Most of them were carpenters. Here and there was a cobbler or a little shop where you could buy all sorts of small things. There was a baker, too, and a butcher's shop run by Catholics. They had non-kosher meat and cold cuts: sausage, blood pudding, scraps.

The main street in Horodenka was cobbled. That road was on the route from Kolomyja to Zaleszczyki. There were a few detached houses - one of the people who lived there was the rov, who had a house with a garden and an orchard. And a little further on was the elementary school that we went to before the war. That was a large, several-story building with a large yard where we could play during the breaks. Further on were detached houses; lawyers and doctors lived there. The court and the prison were nearby. On the right was the Ukrainian grammar school, which was converted into a boys' ten-grade school in the Soviet period, and further on, outside town, was the sports stadium, and there football matches and some festivities were held. Three bridges linked the town to its suburbs. The river flowed under the bridges and there were even two mills along the way. In the area around the stadium lived the majority of the Jewish poor in wooden or tin huts. That was stinking squalor - the streets didn't have drains. You didn't even want to walk that way. I had two friends there, brothers; they studied very hard at school. They lived in terrible poverty. Their father traded in old bric-a-brac, he bought old pots, alte zachen. They were killed in the first Aktion [first liquidation of the ghetto]. One of them was called Mojsze, but I can't remember their surname.

On the whole the houses in Horodenka were made of brick or stone, though some, in the suburbs, were mixed, stone and wooden blocks, but most of them were houses with tin roofs. Some of them, like our neighbor's, who was a cattle-food merchant, had shingle roofs. Only very occasionally were the roofs tiled, because that was a material that was unknown then. The street itself was graveled. There were some streets that were so muddy and full of puddles after rain that they were hard to cross.

At the beginning of the 1930s there was no street-lighting, but just before Pilsudski's death [1935] electric lamps started to go up. I remember that once there were electrical wires on the streets, on 1 May we children had fun tying red rags to string and throwing them up onto the wires, and then later the police or the fire brigade had trouble getting the red rags down.

In Horodenka there was a cinema, and it was there that I saw my first film on the big screen. Aunt Frydzia took me with her fiance, who was called Szpilfogel; he was the goalkeeper in the Jewish football team. He was tall and hid me under his coat to go in, because I was too young for that film. The film was called 'Prosecutor Andreyev', Russian. That was 1936, or maybe 1935. And during the Soviet occupation there were barracks in that cinema hall. In the cellars they stored barrels of cabbage, gherkins in brine and tomatoes, and when the Russians escaped and the Hungarians occupied the town, the people brought the food out, and I took home a bucket of green tomatoes in brine, which was something that had never been on our menu before.

I think that in Horodenka and on the outskirts of the town there must have been between 4,000 and 4,500 Jews. Not all of them were artisans; there were a few farmers and petty merchants, who didn't live on the Jewish streets. The whole town numbered 10,000-12,000 citizens. About 3,000-3,500 Ukrainians lived on the outskirts; only the Ukrainian intelligentsia lived in the town itself - doctors, teachers and lawyers. And there were more or less 2,500-3,000 Poles: all the administrative posts, schools, all the civil servants.

There were a lot of Zionist organizations, in fact all the parties were represented in the town. Hashomer Hatzair 8 was strong. I don't remember Betar 9. There was Left Poalei Zion 10 and Keren Kayemet 11. Not far from our house a Bund 12 club was under construction for many years, a huge building where the Jewish school, Yidishe Shul, was later. During the period of Soviet rule the Bund was disbanded, and its activists arrested, deported, and never heard of again. And the school was converted into the town club. I remember that there was a small Jewish hotel in our town, run by a real dragon. Miserable rooms, they were. All that was on the main street. And not far away was the Orthodox church and the Hebrew school.

In the run-up to 1st May the artisans and workers held illegal demonstrations, but there was never an official one - that was banned. Even the Polish socialists, I mean the members of the Polish Socialist Party, if they went out on a demonstration, were only given permission on a certain street. On the whole the Jews didn't get involved. The Bundists avoided demonstrations too, because they knew that the Endeks 13 or the anti- Semites would attack them. There were various incidents. Some people, the Jewish youths from Zukunft, for instance, or from the Zionist parties, would put stones into old tights and whirl them around like a club. That was how they defended themselves against the Endek hit squads. In any case, the police always arrested the leading activists before 1st May.

If 3rd May celebrations were held [the anniversary of the signing of the Polish constitution in 1793], we children, Jewish, Polish and Ukrainian, went on marches with our schools. Our teacher, Smiechowski, was the leader of a branch of the Riflemen. He always walked at the head, with his saber, and we admired him, because he looked wonderful in his uniform. But Endek groups would attack the Jews. So the Jewish youths began to organize vigilante groups and there were often skirmishes and arrests.

In Horodenka there was a synagogue, which it took many years to build, one of the most beautiful in southern Galicia. It was finished sometime in the mid-1930s, and had a beautiful portal. It could hold several hundred people easily. There were few Hasidim in the town, but there were Orthodox Jews, and there was their rov, with sidelocks, and he wore the streimel. They prayed in the large synagogue.

Our house was very secular, a socialist artisan household. My father was a Bund sympathizer. Before the war we spoke Yiddish, both inside and outside the home, although we did know Polish and Ukrainian as well. There were many homes like ours at that time. Granddad Berl, the shammash, wasn't an Orthodox Jew either. There were no Orthodox Jews in our family. Of course we observed the holidays, every Saturday. Granddad Awrum would put his prayer shawl on then. On our street lived carpenters and other artisans. The Torah was kept in one of their houses and Saturday prayers were always held there. But on more important festivals, Yom Kippur, or Sukkot, for example, we would go to the big synagogue, or to Beyt [Bet] Hamidrash. The prayer house where Granddad Berl was the shammash was called aklous, or aklois [stibl]. The smallest type of prayer house. It was a small, single- story building. Everyone had their own place there, their own shtender: these book stands with drawers for prayer books. That was where the artisan poor prayed. When I went with Father to prayers, it wasn't really to pray - I was still small; I never had my bar mitzvah - but to meet my friends. My brother had his bar mitzvah, and the ceremony was held there in that artisan aklois.

Neither Mama nor Grandma wore a wig. Before the high holidays a few women got together and went to the mikveh, which was in a separate building near the synagogue. The mikveh was for women, and there was a bathhouse, or rather a sauna, perhaps, for the men. We had hot steam baths there. There were steps up to the very ceiling, and in the back there was a stove and glowing coals. You went there once a week, on Friday afternoons, to bathe and relax in the steam, and afterwards, for fun, some people would go into the mikveh. I went there with the men and thrashed myself with the switches. That was the only way to have a decent bath. But it wasn't the most hygienic of places. The mikveh was the same one for men and women, but they had different times. Our Jewish shtetl wasn't very religious.

There was one mohel in the town. I remember the circumcision of my brother Mordechaj very well. The ceremony was held in Grandma's house on Zeromskiego Street. All the closest family took part: uncles, aunts, their children, and some friends of my father, artisans. I think that was in 1932, I was four. I remember a shiny box and a razor-sharp knife that the mohel's assistant took out of the box. It was a shock for me, despite the fact that we had all been through the same thing, of course. My brother screamed, but the mohel said that it was very good that he was screaming, that he would be strong. And then there was some kind of refreshment: cake, and a glass of wine, homemade, probably. Grandma made apple wine, this kind of fermented apple drink, because there weren't any grapes in Horodenka, grapes grew in Zaleszczyki.

I had a kind of semi-legal bar mitzvah, because by then the Russians were already in the town. At that time we weren't officially allowed to celebrate Jewish festivals. The synagogues were closed. Some of the rabbinate intelligentsia had been deported along with the Polish civil servants and officers somewhere way out east. So we had a family get- together and Granddad gave me a pocket watch called an 'onion' [a kind of watch that you put into your pocket and do not wear on your wrist. It is still called an onion in Polish]. In fact, it was that watch that saved my life later on. By then I was a member of the pioneers, a communist children's organization [see All-Union pioneer organization] 14. I was far from religious.

We kept a kosher kitchen until the mid-1930s, and after that only at festivals. It was getting harder and harder to find kosher food. There were indications of the later famous Prystor decrees 15. That was after the death of Pilsudski, in 1936, 1937 and 1938. The Jews were being denied more and more privileges. We had kosher chicken and other birds [poultry], because there was still a shochet, a ritual slaughterer, in the town. I even used to be sent to the shochet myself.

Pesach, I remember, we celebrated. On the first and last day of the holidays, my father didn't work, of course. We tidied the workshop and there was a festive atmosphere. We cleaned the house of chumetz [chametz], so that there wasn't a trace of bread; we even had to empty out our pockets to shake out all the crumbs. The evening was solemn, though, and we read the Haggadah. I remember that there was always liver with egg and onions, and matzah. There was goose dripping. Every year Mama kept a goose, fattened it up for three weeks before the holidays, and then the goose was slaughtered in the kosher fashion, and the feathers were used for pillows. There was fish, carp Jewish style, sweet, with raisins. I remember that quilts were arranged all round the table where we sat, and we sat on the quilts. I don't know why, whether that was part of the tradition. And it was very cramped, because with our parents there were seven of us. We celebrated the holidays right up until the Russians came.

I went to cheder from 1933, maybe 1934, until 1939, because when the Russians came they closed down the cheders. And in 1935 I started in the first grade of elementary school. In the mornings we went to elementary school, in the afternoon we had something quick to eat at home and dashed off to study the Torah and the language [Hebrew]. It wasn't a pleasure for us, more a duty, but those were the rules and we had to abide by them. When the Russians came the school system was changed, because they had one ten- year school, and we had elementary school, grammar school and high school. So they gave us a ten-year school and put everyone back a year, because they considered their standard of teaching to be much higher. And in June 1941 our education came to an end. I completed the 5th grade. There was a Hebrew school in Horodenka as well, but it was elitist, not within our reach. It was mostly children of Zionists that went there, or of people who were planning to emigrate to Palestine in the future. And those were wealthier people than us. Those children had little in common with us, the poor.

Berl Gefner, my melamed, was an important figure in Horodenka, because his appearance alone set him apart from the Jews. He was tall, must have been about 1 meter 90 centimeters, sturdily built, with a beard, and full of verve. He wasn't among the most Orthodox, but he was probably paid by the kehila or the board of the Jewish community. His little school was called Talmud Toyre. He really did devote an awful lot of time to working with children. The cheder was outside the town, quite a way, towards the [Christian] Orthodox and Jewish cemeteries. We went there on foot, of course.

Gefner had one son, and he very much wanted to give him an education, wanted to send him to Lublin, to the yeshivah. And our cheder was a large room with desks that you could keep a Gemara or prayer book in. There was a blackboard that stood on a stand. There were at least 25 or 30 of us. I don't remember there being any pictures on the walls. In 1936 and 1937 we were given tea, and I remember that the baker would bring us fresh rolls in a basket, and everyone got one for tea. During the liquidation of Horodenka's Jewry, just before he was shot, Gefner said: 'Es vet kimen di royte armey, zi vet rakhnemen far ins,' that the Red Army would return and avenge our deaths. He got a shot in the head, of course, and fell into the pit.

Between 1939 and 1941 we were under Soviet rule, because in 1939 after the famous Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact 16, our lands, Western Ukraine, were occupied by the Soviet army. To be honest, that pleased a lot of Jews, many of whom then believed in the famous slogans about equality and elimination of unemployment, and above all we believed that there would be no more nationalism and racial discrimination. I was an 11-year-old child then, at elementary school.

In 1939 Father worked as usual. Guilds were being set up, but my father put off joining. Jewish life had changed. Places of prayer had closed down voluntarily, because there was no official ban on religious practices. There was discrimination against the Polish intelligentsia, who were often arrested and exiled, as were well-known Zionist and Bundist activists. Only later did we find out that these were deportations deep inside Russia. They took our teacher, who before the war had been a civil servant at the Town Hall, a man of exceptional distinction and integrity; I remember that we were very sorry to lose him.

On 1st July 1941 Hungarian troops entered Horodenka. Hungary was a German satellite, and at that point it was easier for them to occupy southern Ukraine from Subcarpathia 17. There was an armed skirmish in Horodenka - some quite heavy fire, and a dozen or so Hungarian soldiers and seven Soviet soldiers were killed. The Hungarians were taken away at once, but the bodies of the Soviet soldiers lay in the streets despite the fact that it was terribly hot all day and all night, and only the next day was the order given to bury them. Some of the Hungarian units advanced further, in the direction of the Dniester, Horodenka was left with an interregnum, and then previously little-known groups of Ukrainian nationalists sprang into action. They created their own system of authority, and Engineer Zybczyn, an anti-Semite, was made chief official.

Before the war the Ukrainians had had their own schools, cultural center and labor cooperative. When the Soviet army pulled out, the first persecutions of the Jews began. My grandfather Berl was also imprisoned, in the stead of his son-in-law Herman Wajcman, who had been in the Soviet authorities in 1939-1941, but had managed to flee the Germans. On 4th or 5th July [1941] horrifying news reached us from the villages outside Horodenka. The Ukrainians had organized a pogrom of the Jewish population. The Jews were rounded up - they were mainly peasants, owners of little shops, and cattle traders - and transported to the banks of the Dniester. The adults were bound together in groups with barbed wire, the children had stones tied around their necks, they were marched onto a raft, and from that raft thrown into the river. They drowned all of them that way. Scores of people. Two women survived; they were washed up wounded somewhere a long way off, and some good person, a Ukrainian, hid them. A few days later the women came to Horodenka and told their story. After that bodies started to be washed up. Some of them even in Zaleszczyki.

The Ukrainians in Horodenka were preparing their first pogrom of the Jews. It was first and foremost the communists and Jewish intelligentsia that they wanted to remove; but the pogrom never took place. The Hungarians arrested and executed the Ukrainians' ringleader, Waskula; he was the Ukrainian police commandant. I remember when they found his body and brought it back to Horodenka. That funeral was a demonstration of power by the Ukrainian nationalists. I stood behind a fence with a few friends and watched it in terror. The funeral column cortege processed for hours in absolute silence. Activists from Ukrainian organizations had come from all over Stanislawow province to show the Germans and the Hungarians their power. That was August 1941.

After that the Jews' position eased slightly: the Hungarian authorities released all the prisoners, among them our Granddad Berl. My father had more work, because the Hungarian soldiers started going to carpenters to order crates in which they would send their families food and items bought from rich Jews. I remember those crates, they were called 'lada' in Hungarian. In exchange they brought bread, tins of smoked meat and tobacco. It was our job, the children's, to find food. At that time we could go out; there wasn't yet a ghetto, just the Jewish quarter. But that all lasted a short time, because the Hungarian authorities were not in power there long.

Already in early October 1941 the Hungarian unit was withdrawn from the town and sent east, and the Germans took over the town. There was an SS man, Sturmbahnfuehrer Fritz Dopler, an incredible sadist, who had one leg slightly shorter. On his initiative, terrible persecutions of the Jews began. As police commandant an Austrian captain was appointed, called Reuter. It turned out that my father had served in the same regiment as him in the Austro-Hungarian army. Thanks to him Father was employed in the police workshops. Father had access to the military casino and collected the leftovers from the tables there and brought them home in pans. We were still living in our own house. Captain Reuter would warn Father of 'Aktions'; he would say: 'Jozef, it would be better if you stayed in the workshop for the night tonight', and Father always found a way of letting us know. Whenever there was an 'Aktion' we would always hide in shelters: every carpenter had a stock of planks and these were stood up around the walls. It happened fairly frequently, but at first they were looking for specific people. The first general round-up wasn't until December 1941.

They began to transport Hungarian Jews through Horodenka eastwards. We managed to get an awful lot of them out of the trains and they stayed in Horodenka. The ghetto was bounded by barbed wire. A Jewish auxiliary police was set up. Over 3,500, up to 4,000 Jews lived in the Judenviertel [Jewish quarter] in Horodenka. Horodenka had a hospital, where injured German soldiers were brought to convalesce. In the first weeks of the German occupation the following episode took place: about ten or twelve convalescing pilots went out onto the street to have some fun. They rounded up some Orthodox Jews, with their dayan at the fore, locked them in the big synagogue and ordered them to light a bonfire. Into that bonfire they threw the Torah, and they ordered the Jews to gather round it and dance round the bonfire, and then they pulled out their bayonets and ordered them to cut each others' beards off. A large group of onlookers gathered, and, well, we children wanted to see it close up as well. Nobody was killed that time. That was the start. Similar incidents took place in Kuty, Obertyn and Sniatyn.

Rumors were going round that something was being prepared. On 3rd December a decree was issued by the chief official that on the morning of 4th December at 7.00, all the Jews, old and young, with their children, were to gather on the square outside our house, the market square, because there were to be injections against typhus. Tables were set up at certain points, and there were Jewish doctors and Jewish nurses. Around 7.30 there were already about 2,500 people on the square. Among them we saw from our window Grandma Menia leading Granddad Berl by the hand; we saw many of our relatives, friends and neighbors from our windows. Everybody was going for those injections. People said that after the injections young, strong people were going to be transported east, to forced labor camps. Suddenly, around 7.30-8.00 lorries drew up from all sides, and out of them jumped Germans and Ukrainian policemen. The whole of that huge square was fenced in, because during the period of the Soviet rule they had been planning to make it into a park, and that park was surrounded by police. And with shouts and yells and beatings they began to herd the Jews into the big synagogue through a single entrance. Because we could see what was happening through the window, Mama said to Father and to us: 'You' - meaning Father, Mojsze Mendel and me - 'go up into the loft, and the little ones' - meaning Szmulek and Mordechaj - 'and I will stay here, because they won't do anything to us.'

A moment after we had obeyed Mama, gone up into the loft and hidden under the planks, we heard the familiar voice of a Petliurist [see Petliura, Simon] 18. He was called Vasil Chepurda, a man who made a living chopping wood, bringing water from the well, lighting the stove on Saturdays - a shabesgoy. And Chepurda started shouting at our Mama, 'You so-and-so, get out there at once!' And Mama said to him, 'But Vasil, you know us, why are you acting like this?' But he drove Mama and the children out of the house. It turned out that the Germans had a lot of Chepurdas. In that way they herded several hundred people out of their homes and into the synagogue. And we lay up there in the loft for over 24 hours, and then suddenly, through a chink in the wall we saw our uncle Froim Kupferman, the tailor, my mom's eldest brother, running towards the house from the direction of the synagogue.

What happened in the synagogue we only found out a few days later. Some Germans had got 'their' Jews out with the permission of the Gestapo. Beside Uncle Froim, a dozen or so locksmiths, carpenters, glaziers, people they still needed, were released. By all accounts Dantesque scenes took place in that synagogue. Over 2,600 people had been rounded up, it was cramped, packed, the stench - they relieved themselves where they were standing - the screams and cries of the Jews: 'What are you doing? This is a holy place!', beating, without food or water... In any case, a lot of people died, suffocated there. That lasted all day on the 4th and all night. Not until 5.00 or 5.30 in the morning did lorries draw up outside the synagogue and they started to load people onto them. They were taken about a dozen kilometers to the village of Siemakowce, where huge pits had been dug the day before. There they were undressed, made to walk another 50 meters or so through the snow, and with a shot, usually in the back of the head, they were killed on the spot. Out of that whole mass of humans murdered there, seven people managed to survive; they climbed out of the pit in the night and found their way back to Horodenka.

They were six adults and one child. For ten days later, our uncle, Hersz Gutman, from the village of Kolanki, brought back our eleven-year-old brother Szmulek on a cart. He was still in shock, but we managed to get out of him the story of what had happened there. Our Mama had thrown the children into the pit, jumped in herself and covered both brothers with her own body. She was killed. Mordechaj too. Szmulek, lying underneath her, was only grazed slightly. He had lain among the corpses all day, and in the evening, when the shooting had stopped, he got out of the pit. There was a lot of clothing there, because some of them had undressed in the designated place and gone on almost naked, some had shed their clothes as they went; in any case he found some rags there, put them on, found some shoes, and went in the direction of the village in search of human settlements. He reached a farm, climbed inside a haystack and was detected early in the morning by a dog and found by a good farmer. He took the child home, washed and fed him and gave him some hot milk, and kept him there for three days. After three days he extracted from him the information that our uncle Hersz Gutman, my Grandma Menia's brother, ought to be living in the village of Kolanki. The peasant drove him to our uncle in his cart. Uncle Hersz kept Szmulek at his home for a few days and in the end after about ten days brought him - his horses had not yet been confiscated - to us in Horodenka, and we couldn't believe the miracle.

A couple of weeks later a group of Germans from Kolomyja came to Horodenka and caught five of the adults who had survived the synagogue and took them to Kolomyja and executed them there by firing squad, so that there would be no trace. Only one woman remained, the wife of the ritual slaughterer, a very beautiful woman. And my little brother. The Jews who remained - there were perhaps 500, maybe 600 of them - were still living in their homes. My father was working in the town police station under the same Reuter. The ghetto was reduced in size. There were quarries in Horodenka and the Germans decided to pave the road from those quarries to the sugar factory, which was a few kilometers outside the town. Ukrainians who owned carts received some sort of payment for it, but the Jews were forced to work from twelve years of age. I became a carter's helper and my elder brother shoveled broken stone. We worked ten to eleven hours a day and got 200 grams of clay-like bread and some kind of grain soup. We left the Judenviertel in a group at 7am and returned in the evening.

At the beginning of August they took several dozen people somewhere outside Horodenka and shot them there. And in September 1942 came the next, third and last liquidation. We had a real shelter, in which eleven people could hide, and we hid in it in August and September. Chaim Frajer, my uncle, who had moved in with us, helped to build it. Chaim escaped, he crossed over onto the other side of the Dniester and survived for some time. He was a cobbler and had a very sharp rasp in his pocket. He said he wouldn't give in; he looked like a Catholic. During an 'Aktion' in the town of Tluste [Tovste, today Ukraine] a Ukrainian policeman recognized him and Chaim pulled out his rasp and jabbed him between the eyes, grabbed his machine gun and ran away. But some other policemen shot him. Those who were caught in Horodenka in September were taken to the cemetery and shot, others were taken to Lwow, to the Janowska Camp 19. Those who survived that, like us, were ordered to report to the Kolomyja ghetto, which was about 45, 46 kilometers away, within 48 hours, and they could take only one suitcase. And so Horodenka was declared 'Judenfrei'.

To get to Kolomyja some people hired carts. Our neighbors let us put our luggage on their cart. We walked. There was no chance of hiding. We didn't know anybody who would have been willing to risk their life to hide us; we didn't have any property to buy ourselves free. We were among those who were doomed to extermination.

And we reached Kolomyja. The ghetto there was already sealed, we had no stocks of food and we weren't prepared for the approaching winter. Fortunately for us, our mother's cousin lived there. I think he was called Zalman, but we called him Ziama, Ziama Gutman. He was a jeweler and was employed by the Germans. I suspect that he was employed to melt down teeth. He had managed to win the Germans over to him. He had this house where two families lived. In the yard was a little wooden recess with a loft, and he put us up in that loft. Our uncle Hersz Gutman from Kolanki was already there, with his elder daughter; his son had already been murdered by Ukrainian nationalists. There were a few thousand people in the ghetto. They were living everywhere: in the ritual slaughterhouse, in the cheder, in the Jewish school. Typhoid fever and typhus were rife; incredible starvation everywhere. There wasn't a nettle to be seen, because people cooked nettles. The bark had been stripped from the trees. By some miracle my father again found employment as a carpenter in the municipal offices, and received his ration - a pot of soup. My older brother was in contact with a group of youths; he was 16 by then. They resolved to try their luck in Romania. One night, a little group of four or five of them slipped out of the ghetto and disappeared without trace. I suspect that they were caught somewhere on the border and murdered.

And on a single day, a Sunday at the beginning of October 1942, we called it Bloody Sunday, an 'Aktion' was organized in all the ghettoes that were still in existence from Kolomyja to Lvov. Because Sunday was not a working day there were always a lot of people around, always crowds on the streets, the Jews, as usual, would be politicking; people checking who was left alive. But that Sunday there was a hollow kind of silence. And through a chink in our recess we saw that transports of Jews were already being led away. People were walking in a column, downcast, distraught, swollen, stupefied, they were going without protest. We were dragged out of our recess by Ukrainian policemen and made to join the column.

On a square where before the war had been a wood yard, perhaps 5,000 people had been gathered. Something that I find incredibly hard to talk about, because I still dream about it at night: a baby was lying wrapped in a swaddle and no-one was claiming it. A young Gestapo went up to the baby, picked it up by its legs, and smashed its head against a fence pole. The wail, the cry of those standing nearest - even his fellow soldiers looked at him with distaste, but of course there could be no reaction from us. A few dozen specialists were kept back at the last minute, among them our father, and the rest of us were herded to the station, where cattle wagons were waiting. Those who tried to escape were shot on the spot. My brother Szmulek and I got separated.

After some time the train set off. Every third wagon had a watchtower in which a German with an automatic pistol stood guard. We didn't know which direction we were being taken in. At one point we managed to dismantle the grille at the little window hole and people started to elbow each other out of the way to get at least a little fresh air. Children were trampled, bodies were trampled, all in feces... That went on for many hours. People started jumping out one by one, shots rang out.

I resolved that I would rather die from a bullet or under the wheels of the train than suffocate alive. I pushed my way to the window over the backs of all the other people. Suddenly I saw a light; we were nearing a large illuminated station. I didn't want to jump at that point, but I was pushed forcibly out of the window and fell onto the embankment, luckily without doing myself any damage. It turned out that we were in Stanislawow. The Germans were rounding up Jews there, and I was noticed and of course joined onto another column. And there, in that misfortune, a miracle occurred. Because there was no space left in the Stanislawow wagons, some of the Kolomyja wagons were opened up and they started pushing more people in them. And as I stood in the lights of the station I suddenly heard my name being called. It was Szmulek.

The train moved off. They were all being transported to Belzec 20, but we didn't know that then. Because we were together again, we resolved to escape. A plank next to the door was pulled out and two by two people started jumping out. I agreed with Szmulek: 'You jump out first and start walking forward; I'll jump out after you and walk towards you.' I pushed him out, though he was very frightened, a twelve-year-old kid, and he disappeared into the dark night. I was pushed out forcibly. I hit my head on a tree trunk, but a few minutes later I came to my senses somehow. I remembered that Szmulek had jumped out, too, of course, and that we were supposed to be walking towards each other. As I jumped I had lost my cap. Ten minutes or so later, as I was walking in Szmulek's direction, I tripped over something soft, and it turned out to be my cap, and I had 300 zloty sewn into that cap; you could survive for a whole day on 10 zloty. I also still had the watch from my grandfather. That was all I possessed. Ten minutes later I saw what looked like a giant walking towards me. And it was my little brother. What now? We knew that the train had been traveling in the direction of Lwow, so we decided to go that way.

We wandered around in the woods for hours. Just before evening the next day we heard the thud of horses' hooves. Two peasants on horseback had ridden into the wood in search of escapees. For each Jew caught there was a reward: a kilo of salt and a bar of soap. We hid amongst the leaves, chilled to the bone, and stayed alive on sugar beets. Later we met a woman who took pity on us and gave us a piece of bread and some soft white cheese - such delicacies after so many months. Further on our way we heard someone chopping wood in the distance, so we approached him, a lumberjack. 'Aaah,' he said, 'Little Jews. What have you got?' he asked. 'I haven't got anything.' 'Well, you must have something.' 'Well, I've got a watch.' And when I showed him my watch his eyes lit up. 'If you give me that watch, I'll let you go.' And so my bar mitzvah watch saved our lives.

Two days later we reached Lwow. We knew there was still a ghetto there. Who is a Jew always drawn to? To other Jews. Well, but how to get in there? In the end, somewhere near the railway station we saw a Jewish policeman leading a group of a few dozen Jews with armbands on to work, and we asked them the way to the ghetto. That was probably sometime during the last ten days of October 1942. The ghetto had not been totally fenced off by then. We decided to go to the Jewish police, as we didn't have anywhere to go. They took us in and gave us a piece of bread. We had to tell them everything that had happened in Kolomyja. From there we sent a telegram to our father: 'We are well, in Lwow.' And the telegram arrived in the ghetto, but Father was no longer there.

We found out that in the cellars of 28 Zamarstynowska Street, there was a young man from Kolomyja, he was called Nachman Nusbaum, and that he took in stray boys of our age, 12-17, and looked after them. There were twelve of us kids, and we had our shakedown there, and we would go out looking for food; some of the older ones hired themselves out to work. Nachman was an interesting figure. He was maybe 20, 22 years old. He was passionate about literature by Korczak 21 and Antoni Makarenko 22. He had resolved that if he survived the war he would do what Korczak had done in Warsaw and open an orphanage in Galicia. Nachman had found a wooden milk pail from somewhere, and he would always take the older boys to the soup kitchen, bring back half a pail of soup and share it out very fairly among the kids in the cellar.

One day I went out to work in the city in a group of 20, and all of a sudden some Germans rounded us up and took us off to the concentration camp on Janowska Street [Janowska Camp]. There were about 3,000 people in those barracks. I met some of the older residents of Horodenka there. After more or less two weeks I went out with a gang to load coal at the railway station in Lwow. After work I hid in a heap of planks under some coal. At night I got back into the ghetto and went back to the cellars on Zamarstynowska Street. I found Szmulek there, but Nachman wasn't there any longer. One day he had gone out into the town, that is the ghetto, and never came back.

Szmulek and I resolved to try and get back to Kolomyja, with the thought that our father had stayed behind there. I think it must have been in mid- November 1942 when we took the train, pretending to be Poles, back to the ghetto in Kolomyja. Gutman, our distant relative, was still alive, with his wife, but their two small children had died in one of the transports. We moved back into our recess, but this time we really had very good conditions, because we were alone. Our father was no longer there. He had gone out to work one day and never come back. Ziama suspected that they had been taken to a village called Szeperowce, several dozen kilometers from Kolomyja. There are the graves of more than 70,000 people murdered from all over the Stanislawow and Kolomyja districts there. Towards the end of November or at the beginning of December my brother left the recess in search of food and never came back. I was left alone. I decided to escape again, onto the eastern bank of the Dniester, to the area of Czortkow, Buczacz [Chortkiv, Buchach, today Ukraine]; we knew that there were still Jewish settlements there. Thanks to Gutman, who bribed the policeman at the gate, and dressed as a Hucul [Carpathian peasant], in a sheepskin waistcoat, I got out of the ghetto. I could speak Ukrainian well and looked the part. By train, without a ticket, I reached Czortkow.

In Czortkow I spent a few days, and then I set off for Tluste, because I had heard that in the Tluste ghetto there were still a few Jews from Horodenka. There, the mother of a boy who had been murdered, who had worked for a rich Ukrainian before he died, got me a job as a farm-hand. From there I ended up in Rozanowka, in a labor camp. That was fall 1943. I escaped from the camp and in the next village was taken on in the service of the local chief administrative official. But before the holidays I had to take a bath in a big tub in the barn, and the official's daughter noticed that I was circumcised. The Ukrainian didn't want a Jew murdered in his backyard, so he gave me something to eat and told me to be on my way.

I got into a forced labor camp in the village of Lisowce, between the Dniester and Zbruch rivers. It was a camp for the Jews that had survived the liquidation of the ghettoes in the Tarnopol region. There were several of these camps: Kamionka, Borki Wielkie, Lisowce, Rozanowka, Holowczynce. After a few weeks, three of us escaped from the camp. My two companions were murdered by Banderovtsy [see Bandera] 23. I was alone. I heard that there were partisan units. And I started to search for them. I met two divisions that didn't want to take me on, because 'Jews are cowards'. In the end I wound up in a group of partisans that was all that was left of the scattered army of Sydir Kovpak. He was the leader of a huge partisan group that had made it as far as the Carpathians and only there been smashed. It was with that group that I saw liberation.

One day we got news that Horodenka had been occupied by Soviet troops. So a few of us decided to cross the Dniester, either on foot or with the Soviet soldiers, who were traveling in motor vehicles or on carts. We were a few dozen kilometers from Horodenka, and we wanted to see if anyone had survived there. I had had no contact with anyone from Horodenka since fall 1942, when I escaped from there. I had tended to avoid such contacts so that no-one should recognize me, God forbid, and denounce me.

I returned to Horodenka in mid-1944. A group of Jews who had survived collected; Jews who had been hidden by Ukrainian families, some of them had come back from the front. My cousin Josel the son of Icek, my father's eldest brother, came back to Horodenka wounded. He had nobody left either, and we lived together. Now he lives in Israel.

In fall 1944 I got in touch with my sister, who was in the Urals, in the Soviet Union. She, like many other residents of Horodenka, in fact, had written to the town council asking whether they knew what had happened to such-and-such a family. And I had a good friend at the post office, with whom I arranged that if there were any letters from Jews to Jews or about Jews, she would give me those letters. And I was the first person to take charge of that whole Jewish pseudo-office thing. Many of Horodenka's Jews received information about the fate of their family from me. Those letters were these little war-time triangles, folded like clown's hats. And they reached the addressees without franking. There were no envelopes then, sometimes people would even write in the margins of newspapers. And one day I got my sister's letter asking whether the authorities knew what had happened to the Szwach family.

Towards the end of 1944 the Komsomol 24 secretary invited me to see him. And he offered me a secondment to the naval officers' school in Cherson, near Odessa and the Black Sea. For me, the war ended then. That was at the time when the First Kosciuszko Division was still in existence, and Anders had led the Polish army east through Persia. As it happened, I didn't pass my practical exams in the naval college and they fired me.

By then my sister had moved from the Urals nearer to Poland, to Ukraine, and she was living in a place called Snigirevka, near Mykolayv. My brother- in-law, Majer Lichtensztajn, worked in a mechanics workshop; he was a good wood-turner. The Wajcmans were there too, with their twins. I went to visit them; it was the first time we had seen each other for many years. I spent some time there, I met Jewish families who had come back from evacuation way out in Asia or the Urals. And I started training as a metalworker and wood-turner in the same workshop.

As soon as military operations ended we were able to go back to Poland. We left in January 1946, and arrived in Klodzko in February. Our repatriation journey took almost four weeks, in very primitive conditions, in cattle wagons. When we first arrived we were in a little village called Gieszcze Puste, and then we went to Klodzko. A Committee of Polish Jews was set up and Wajcman became its chairman. A fairly large group of Jews settled in Klodzko after the war. A number of artisan cooperatives were founded: a tailors' cooperative, a cobblers' cooperative, and there was a branch of the ORT 25. Joint 26 began to send us some aid, food and other necessities, and some people started to work. We were all given some apartments that had belonged to Germans, that were more or less furnished. And there in Klodzko I started work for the Jewish Committee as head of the youth division. We organized events for young people: various types of events, festivals, ghetto ceremonies; there was a coordination commission for Jewish organizations. That was 1946. [In 1948 Jewish organizations were to be abolished.]

I was a member of the ZWM - the Fighting Youth Union 27, and I was made an instructor with the municipal board. And, if you please, I - a Jew - was elected chairman of a branch of the ZWM numbering over 180 members. In the summer of 1947 I went to Wroclaw and lived in the Korczak Memorial Boarding House at 30 Krasinskiego Street. There were about 120-125 of us there. Most of us were Jewish orphans. The young people who lived in that house attended Polish schools, the ORT, or the artisan school run by the Jewish Committee. I was working, a little in a wagon factory and a little helping to rebuild the city. And I was studying. We did the whole of the grammar school program in one year and the whole of the high school program in the second year. After two years' study, in 1948, I sat my school-leaving exam. And of course I was also active in the community. I was appointed to the committee organizing the Uniting Congress of Youth Organizations in Poland. And in 1948, on 22 July, in the Slask cinema auditorium, the Uniting Congress of Youth Organizations was held, and the Polish Youth Union was created. On Saturdays and Sundays we organized 'Sobotniki': these were voluntary work programs; we were rebuilding important buildings in Wroclaw, including the main building of Wroclaw University, the Polytechnic on Kosciuszkowski Bank, part of the wagon factory, and other public facilities in Wroclaw.

In 1948 I was offered a move to Warsaw, to a school for officers involved in training and political affairs. I graduated from that school in 1949. It was an accelerated, six-month course; at the time they were looking for people of a similar class who had a future as officers. On graduation we received the rank of ensign and I was sent to work on the Training Board at the Ministry of National Defense. I organized educational courses for young recruits, chiefly literacy courses. I went on several further training and pedagogical courses myself.

In 1950 I started a degree course at the Academy of Political Sciences, and after my first year I was told that I was suitable material for a inspector of schools for Polish emigre children in France. I moved to France in 1951 and was made attache at the Consulate General, responsible for areas including education and culture, for the Paris region. And it was then, just before that move, that I was given the hint that my name wasn't very suitable for an inspector of schools, because I was called Szwach, which means 'weak' [in Yiddish]. And the powers-that-be found that inappropriate. And they said to me: 'After all, Comrade, your mother's maiden name is a perfectly good name: Kupferman - all you need to do is Polonize it and there you are! You shall be Miedzinski. I thought that they were right, that Szwach - Weak - could not be responsible for educating young Polish emigrants, but Miedzinski certainly could.

When I was offered the job of inspector of Polish schools in the Paris region, I had a fiancee. I was still studying at the Academy of Political Sciences but I was living with a friend in one room, so there was no chance of my starting a family. I was supposed to go to France a married man, those were the rules at the ministry, but for various reasons I had to make the decision to go within 48 hours. My fiancee was a modest girl, her name was Jadwiga Podlewska and she came from a working-class family in Czestochowa. She was born in 1931. She was Polish. After a few months in Paris I came back to Poland, we got married, and in early 1952 we left Poland together. Our son Zbigniew Jozef was born in Paris in 1953. Our second child, Elzbieta Klara, was born in Warsaw in 1956. My wife worked as a civil servant in the archives department and brought up the children. Later on she worked as a knitter. She died suddenly, unexpectedly. I came home one evening after some meeting and she was sitting in a chair. That was in 1986.

I always been a regular at the Jewish Theater. I remember it from the post- war years on Marshal Pilsudski Square, when Ida Kaminska 28 acted there. I also used to read Folksztyme 29. I think it was after 1968 that one of my students, Szmulek Tenenblat, became editor-in-chief of Folksztyme. That was a boy I brought to Wroclaw from Klodzko. A very clever boy, he went to the Jewish school in Wroclaw and then to Warsaw University. Here, on Grzybowski Square, at the Jewish Theater, I met Jolanta Kaczkowska, a widow. Three years after the death of my first wife we got married. Jolanta trained as a surveying engineer and worked in the Jewish Theater for a few years; now she is retired. My present wife is Jewish; she was born in the Warsaw ghetto in 1941.

In the 1950s the diplomatic service was looking for confident people with a solid class background who wouldn't betray the Polish People's Republic. And in my case they were certainly not mistaken. After two years the French decided that I was far too active, that I wanted to build socialism in France, and they said 'Take that Miedzinski away.' At the time it so happened that my wife was on vacation in Poland with our small child, so I packed my bags and in two weeks I was back in Poland. I was in France until 1953.

We lived in Warsaw, in very difficult conditions. I didn't want to stay in the Foreign Ministry, and decided that I would go back to the army. And I stayed there until 1960, and managed to make the rank of captain. I worked in the education and training department, I was involved with political education and the repolonization of young people from France who had come back to Poland and gone into the army. I also organized literacy classes. In 1960 intensive purges began in the army, and they offered me a move to a border garrison, knowing that I would refuse. I did refuse, and within practically two months I was demobilized, and in 1961 I was possibly the youngest retired officer in the Polish army. I was 33.

I started work as a civilian. I worked for some time in the GDR Cultural Center. I worked there for barely a year and a half, because I came to the conclusion that I had had bad Germans for four or five years, good Germans for a year and a half, and that was enough Germans to last me a lifetime. And overnight, in February 1963 I was taken on at the Ministry of Higher Education, and I worked there for nearly 15 years. Until 1976. In 1976 I was offered the post of director of the office organizing the World Congress of Russian Studies Graduates, and then I became full-time secretary of the Central Board of the newly established Polish Russian Studies Society, and I worked there until I retired.

In 1956 my family moved abroad. Herman Wajcman lost his job in the Ministry of Agriculture and Central Buying, in fact he was even arrested on charges of cooperation with Israel. He left alone, because they said to him, 'If you leave the country we will forget all this and end the matter.' They gave him a one-way passport very quickly, and it wasn't until a few months later that they let his wife and children go.

In 1968 I was at the Ministry of Higher Education and in charge of a department that organized academic cooperation with other socialist countries. I traveled a lot to those countries, even accompanying ministers on their travels. In 1968 purges began in the ministry. The xenophobic, nationalistic and anti-Semitic atmosphere got worse. True, some directorial posts were held by people of Jewish origin, departmental directors and assistant directors, but they were specialists in their field. The Party got these primitive activists to give critical speeches about some Jewish employee of the ministry. Meetings like that could go on for 23 hours. They had material like that on me, too. But they couldn't have anything against me: I had brought up my children so that until 1967 they didn't even know they had Jewish blood. It was only when it all started that I decided to tell the children about their background, because I didn't want their school or people on the street to do it for me. My son accepted it calmly, and only now, 35 years later, during a visit to Horodenka, did he tell me that he did experience several times people shouting at him: 'You Jew!' I personally have never been the victim of anti-Semitism. Nobody has ever suggested in the least that they have anything against it..., I've never been made to feel like that directly.

It never affected me directly, although I still feel uncomfortable about it. I was clean, I never gave them any grounds to come out and remind me that I have a few millimeters missing in my pants. I didn't stay long in that department after that, only a few months, and then I decided that I ought not to give them any chance to accuse me of having contacts with other countries, even though they were socialist countries, and I asked the minister to transfer me to a domestic department. About ten or twelve people in my ministry lost their jobs.

In 1988 I went to Israel for the first time. I hadn't seen my sister for decades, since probably 1956, I can't remember exactly, when they emigrated. I wasn't allowed a passport for a long time; because I was professionally active the powers-that-be ruled that I didn't have time to go abroad, although I had a completely civilian job. I didn't get a passport until I retired. It was a very emotional reunion with the whole family: my sister's children and her grandchildren. And I found my cousin, the only one of the whole family who survived, Mojsze Frajer. His mother and my father were brother and sister. They had escaped when the Soviet army retreated... Chaim Frajer and Estera Frajer, who was my father's sister, had three children and she was pregnant with the fourth. They were all killed, only Mojsze got lost during a bombardment and survived. He was ten or eleven then, and some Soviet soldiers took him way out to near Stalingrad and left him in a children's home there. He survived the war in Kazakhstan. After the war he left the children's home and went to Israel. We are still in touch to this day. Israel was a great surprise to me: that Jews walk around with their heads held high, no-one makes a secret of their background - they are at home in their own country. I liked the fact that mothers were proud that their children were going into the army. And it was always said that Jews were weapon-shy, uniform-shy. I didn't see much of the country that time, because I wanted to spend all the free time I had with my family. I stayed in Petach Tikwie. I was there two weeks. After that I went back several times.

In 1991, together with Arnold Mostowicz, a doctor from the Lodz ghetto, we founded the Association of Jewish Combatants. In 1993 I went to Israel as the vice-president of the Association, because we had minted a medal to commemorate the 50th anniversary of the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising 30, and for the first time with the assistance of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and the Polish embassy in Tel Aviv we organized a meeting with the participants of the rising who were in Israel. In 1996 I went to the Jewish World Congress in Jerusalem. But I never thought of leaving. I have always felt that my life is linked to Poland; I had my family here and we lived happily side-by-side here; I've never had any negative experiences beside 1968. I'm still active in the Association, I'm the vice-president. Somebody has to be here to tend the graves of our murdered nation!

Glossary

1 Galicia

Informal name for the lands of the former Polish Republic under Habsburg rule (1772-1918), derived from the official name bestowed on these lands by Austria: the Kingdom of Galicia and Lodomeria. From 1815 the lands west of the river San (including Krakow) began by common consent to be called Western Galicia, and the remaining part (including Lemberg), with its dominant Ukrainian population Eastern Galicia. Galicia was agricultural territory, an economically backward region. Its villages were poor and overcrowded (hence the term 'Galician misery'), which, given the low level of industrial development (on the whole processing of agricultural and crude-oil based products) prompted mass economic emigration from the 1890s; mainly to the Americas. After 1918 the name Eastern Malopolska for Eastern Galicia was popularized in Poland, but Ukrainians called it Western Ukraine.

2 KuK (Kaiserlich und Koeniglich) army

The name 'Imperial and Royal' was used for the army of the Austro-Hungarian Monarchy, as well as for other state institutions of the Monarchy originated from the dual political system. Following the Compromise of 1867, which established the Dual Monarchy, Austrian emperor and Hungarian King Franz Joseph was the head of the state and also commander-in-chief of the army. Hence the name 'Imperial and Royal'.

3 Italian front, 1915-1918

Also known as Isonzo front. Isonzo (Soca) is an alpine river today in Slovenia, which ran parallel with the pre-World War I Austro-Hungarian and Italian border. During World War I Italy was primarily interested in capturing the ethnic Italian parts of Austria- Hungary (Triest, Fiume, Istria and some of the islands) as well as the Adriatic litoral. The Italian army tried to enter Austria-Hungary via the Isonzo river, but the Austro-Hungarian army was dug in alongside the river. After 18 months of continous fighting without any territorial gain, the Austro-Hungarian army finally suceeded to enter Italian territory in October 1917.

4 Cossacks

an ethnic group that constituted something of a free estate in the 15th-17th centuries in the Polish Republic and in the 16th-18th centuries in the Muscovite state (and then Russia). The Cossacks in the Polish Republic consisted of peasants, townspeople and nobles settled along the banks of the Lower Dnieper, where they organized armed detachments initially to defend themselves against the Tatar invasions and later themselves making forays against the Tatars and the Turks. As part of the armed forces, the Cossacks played an important role in Russia's imperial wars in the 17th-20th centuries. From the 19th century onwards, Cossack troops were also used to suppress uprisings and independence movements. During the February and October Revolutions in 1917 and the Russian Civil War, some of the Cossacks (under Kaledin, Dutov and Semyonov) supported the Provisional Government, and as the core of the Volunteer Army bore the brunt of the fighting with the Red Army, while others went over to the Bolshevik side (Budenny). In 1920 the Soviet authorities disbanded all Cossack formations, and from 1925 onwards set about liquidating the Cossack identity. In 1936 Cossacks were permitted to join the Red Army, and some Cossack divisions fought under its banner in World War II. Some Cossacks served in formations collaborating with the Germans and in 1945 were handed over to the authorities of the USSR by the Western Allies.

5 Great Patriotic War

On 22nd June 1941 at 5 o'clock in the morning Nazi Germany attacked the Soviet Union without declaring war. This was the beginning of the so-called Great Patriotic War. The German blitzkrieg, known as Operation Barbarossa, nearly succeeded in breaking the Soviet Union in the months that followed. Caught unprepared, the Soviet forces lost whole armies and vast quantities of equipment to the German onslaught in the first weeks of the war. By November 1941 the German army had seized the Ukrainian Republic, besieged Leningrad, the Soviet Union's second largest city, and threatened Moscow itself. The war ended for the Soviet Union on 9th May 1945.

6 Pilsudski, Jozef (1867-1935)

Polish activist in the independence cause, politician, statesman, marshal. With regard to the cause of Polish independence he represented the pro-Austrian current, which believed that the Polish state would be reconstructed with the assistance of Austria- Hungary. When Poland regained its independence in January 1919, he was elected Head of State by the Legislative Sejm. In March 1920 he was nominated marshal, and until December 1922 he held the positions of Head of State and Commander-in-Chief of the Polish Army. After the murder of the president, Gabriel Narutowicz, he resigned from all his posts and withdrew from politics. He returned in 1926 in a political coup. He refused the presidency offered to him, and in the new government held the posts of war minister and general inspector of the armed forces. He was prime minister twice, from 1926-1928 and in 1930. He worked to create a system of national security by concluding bilateral non-aggression pacts with the USSR (1932) and Germany (1934). He sought opportunities to conclude firm alliances with France and Britain. In 1932 owing to his deteriorating health, Pilsudski resigned from his functions. He was buried in the Crypt of Honor in Wawel Cathedral in the Royal Castle in Cracow.

7 Judenfrei (Judenrein)

German for 'free (purified) of Jews'. The term created by the Nazis in Germany in connection with the plan entitled 'the Final Solution to the Jewish Question', the aim of which was defined as 'the creation of a Europe free of Jews'. The term 'Judenrein'/'Judenfrei' in Nazi terminology referred to the extermination of the Jews and described an area (a town or a region), from which the entire Jewish population had been deported to extermination camps or forced labor camps. The term was, particularly in occupied Poland, an established part of the official and unofficial Nazi language.

8 Hashomer Hatzair in Poland

From 1918 Hashomer Hatzair operated throughout Poland, with its headquarters in Warsaw. It emphasized the ideological and vocational training of future settlers in Palestine and personal development in groups. Its main aim was the creation of a socialist Jewish state in Palestine. Initially it was under the influence of the Zionist Organization in Poland, of which it was an autonomous part. In the mid-1920s it broke away and joined the newly established World Scouting Union, Hashomer Hatzair. In 1931 it had 22,000 members in Poland organized in 262 'nests' (Heb. 'ken'). During the occupation it conducted clandestine operations in most ghettos. One of its members was Mordechaj Anielewicz, who led the rising in the Warsaw ghetto. After the war it operated legally in Poland as a party, part of the He Halutz. It was disbanded by the communist authorities in 1949.

9 Betar

Brith Trumpledor (Hebrew) meaning the Trumpledor Society. Right- wing Revisionist Jewish youth movement. It was founded in 1923 in Riga by Vladimir Jabotinsky, in memory of J. Trumpledor, one of the first fighters to be killed in Palestine, and the fortress Betar, which was heroically defended for many months during the Bar Kohba uprising. In Poland the name 'The J. Trumpledor Jewish Youth Association' was also used. Betar was a worldwide organization, but in 1936, of its 52,000 members, 75 % lived in Poland. Its aim was to propagate the program of the revisionists in Poland and prepare young people to fight and live in Palestine. It organized emigration, through both legal and illegal channels. It was a paramilitary organization; its members wore uniforms. From 1936-39 the popularity of Betar diminished. During the war many of its members formed guerrilla groups.

10 Poalei Zion (the Jewish Social-Democratic Workers' Party Workers of Zion)

in Yiddish 'Yidishe Socialistish-Demokratishe Arbeiter Partei Poale Syon'. A political party formed in 1905 in the Kingdom of Poland, and operating throughout the Polish state from 1918. The party's main aim was to create an independent socialist Jewish state in Palestine. In the short term, Poalei Zion postulated cultural and national autonomy for the Jews in Poland, and improved labor and living conditions of Jewish hired laborers. In 1920, during a conference in Vienna, the party split, forming the Right Poalei Zion (the Jewish Socialist Workers' Party Workers of Zion), which became part of the Socialist Workers' International and the World Zionist Organization, and the Left Po'alei Zion (the Jewish Social-Democratic Workers' Party Workers of Zion), the radical minority, which sympathized with the Bolsheviks. The Left Poalei Zion placed more emphasis on socialist postulates. Key activists: I. Schiper (Right PZ), L. Holenderski, I. Lew (Left PZ); paper: Arbeiter Welt. Both fractions had their own youth organizations: Right PZ: Dror and Freiheit; Left PZ - Jugnt. Left PZ was weaker than Right PZ; only towards the end of the 1930s did it start to form coalitions with other socialist and Zionist parties. In 1937 Left PZ joined the World Zionist Organization. During World War II both fractions were active in underground politics and the resistance movement in the ghettos, in particular the youth organizations. After 1945 both parties joined the Central Jewish Committee in Poland. In 1947 they reunited to form the strongest legally active Jewish party in Poland (with 20,000 members). In 1950 Poalei Zion was dissolved by the communist authorities.

11 Keren Kayemet Leisrael (K

K.L.): Jewish National Fund (JNF) founded in 1901 at the Fifth Zionist Congress in Basel. From its inception, the JNF was charged with the task of fundraising in Jewish communities for the purpose of purchasing land in the Land of Israel to create a homeland for the Jewish people. After 1948 the fund was used to improve and afforest the territories gained. Every Jewish family that wished to help the cause had a JNF money box, called the 'blue box'. In Poland the JNF was active in two periods, 1919-1939 and 1945-1950. In preparing its colonization campaign, Keren Kayemet le-Israel collaborated with the Jewish Agency and Keren Hayesod.

12 Bund

The short name of the General Jewish Union of Working People in Lithuania, Poland and Russia, Bund means Union in Yiddish). The Bund was a social democratic organization representing Jewish craftsmen from the Western areas of the Russian Empire. It was founded in Vilnius in 1897. In 1906 it joined the autonomous fraction of the Russian Social Democratic Working Party and took up a Menshevist position. After the Revolution of 1917 the organization split: one part was anti-Soviet power, while the other remained in the Bolsheviks' Russian Communist Party. In 1921 the Bund dissolved itself in the USSR, but continued to exist in other countries.

13 Endeks

Name formed from the initials of a right-wing party active in Poland during the inter-war period (ND - 'en-de'). Narodowa Demokracja [National Democracy] was founded by Roman Dmowski. Its members and supporters, known as 'Endeks', often held anti-Semitic views.

14 All-Union pioneer organization

a communist organization for teenagers between 10 and 15 years old (cf: boy-/ girlscouts in the US). The organization aimed at educating the young generation in accordance with the communist ideals, preparing pioneers to become members of the Komsomol and later the Communist Party. In the Soviet Union, all teenagers were pioneers.

15 Prystor Decree

In pre-war Poland the issue of ritual slaughter (Heb. shechitah) was at the heart of a deep conflict between the Jewish community and Polish nationalist groups, which in 1936-1938 attempted to outlaw or restrict the practice of shechitah in the Sejm, the Polish parliament, citing humanitarian grounds and competition for Catholic butchers. In 1936 Janina Prystor, a deputy to the Sejm (and wife of Aleksander Prystor (1874- 1941), Polish prime minister 1931-1933), proposed a ban on shechitah, citing principles of Christian morality. This move had an overtly economic aim, which was to destroy the Jewish meat industry, which meant competition for Christian butchers. Prystor met with fierce resistance among Jewish circles in the Sejm. In the wake of a debate in the Sejm the government decided on a compromise, permitting shechitah only in areas where Jews made up more than 3% of the local population.

16 Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact

Non-aggression pact between Germany and the Soviet Union, which became known under the name of Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact. Engaged in a border war with Japan in the Far East and fearing the German advance in the west, the Soviet government began secret negotiations for a non-aggression pact with Germany in 1939. In August 1939 it suddenly announced the conclusion of a Soviet-German agreement of friendship and non- aggression. The Pact contained a secret clause providing for the partition of Poland and for Soviet and German spheres of influence in Eastern Europe.

17 Subcarpathia (also known as Ruthenia, Russian and Ukrainian name Zakarpatie)

Region situated on the border of the Carpathian Mountains with the Middle Danube lowland. The regional capitals are Uzhhorod, Berehovo, Mukachevo, Khust. It belonged to the Austro-Hungarian Monarchy until World War I; and the Saint-Germain convention declared its annexation to Czechoslovakia in 1919. It is impossible to give exact historical statistics of the language and ethnic groups living in this geographical unit: the largest groups in the interwar period were Hungarians, Rusyns, Russians, Ukrainians, Czech and Slovaks. In addition there was also a considerable Jewish and Gypsy population. In accordance with the first Vienna Decision of 1938, the area of Subcarpathia mainly inhabited by Hungarians was ceded to Hungary. The rest of the region was proclaimed a new state called Carpathian Ukraine in 1939, with Khust as its capital, but it only existed for four and a half months, and was occupied by Hungary in March 1939. Subcarpathia was taken over by Soviet troops and local guerrillas in 1944. In 1945, Czechoslovakia ceded the area to the USSR and it gained the name Carpatho-Ukraine. The region became part of the Ukrainian Soviet Socialist Republic in 1945. When Ukraine became independent in 1991, the region became an administrative region under the name of Transcarpathia.

18 Petliura, Simon (1879-1926)

Ukrainian politician, member of the Ukrainian Social Democratic Working Party, one of the leaders of Centralnaya Rada (Central Council), the national government of Ukraine (1917-1918). Military units under his command killed Jews during the Civil War in Ukraine. In the Soviet-Polish war he was on the side of Poland; in 1920 he emigrated. He was killed in Paris by the Jewish nationalist Schwarzbard in revenge for the pogroms against Jews in Ukraine.

19 Janowska Road Camp

It was set up in Lwow in October 1941. One part was the SS accommodation and the prisoners' barracks (people later sent to the extermination camp in Belzec were held here), and the other part housed production workshops. Created as a labor camp for Lwow Jews, it became an extermination camp. Jews from Eastern Galicia were brought here. Owing to a real threat of an armed uprising, the Germans liquidated the camp in a lightning campaign on 20th November 1943. Only a few people managed to escape.

20 Belzec

Village in Lublin region of Poland (Tomaszow district). In 1940 the Germans created a forced labor camp there for 2,500 Jews and Roma. In November 1941 it was transformed into an extermination camp (SS Sonderkommando Belzec or Dienststelle Belzec der Waffen SS) under the 'Reinhard-Aktion', in which the Germans murdered around 600,000 people (chiefly in gas chambers), including approximately 550,000 Polish Jews (approx. 300,000 from the province of Galicia) and Jews from the USSR, Austria, Belgium, Czechoslovakia, Denmark, Holland, Germany, Norway and Hungary; many Poles from surrounding towns and villages and from Lwow also died here, mostly for helping Jews. In November 1942 the Nazis began liquidating the camp. In the spring of 1943 the camp was demolished and the corpses of the gassed victims exhumed from their mass graves and burned. The last 600 Jews employed in this work were then sent to the Sobibor camp, where they died in the gas chambers.

21 Korczak, Janusz (1878/79-1942)

Polish Jewish doctor, pedagogue, writer of children's literature. He was the co-founder and director (from 1911) of the Jewish orphanage in Warsaw. He also ran a similar orphanage for Polish children. Korczak was in charge of the Jewish orphanage when it was moved to the Warsaw Ghetto in 1940. He was one of the best-known figures behind the ghetto wall, refusing to leave the ghetto and his charges. He was deported to the Treblinka extermination camp with his charges in August 1942. The whole transport was murdered by the Nazis shortly after its arrival in the camp.

22 Makarenko, Anton (1888-1939)

Soviet pedagogue and writer, in 1920-35 organizer and director of care institutions for homeless young people (the Maxim Gorky Work Colony near Poltava, and the Felix Dzierzhinsky Commune in Charkov). From 1935 he devoted himself largely to writing and popularizing his ideas. He was the creator of a method of collective education by involving the individual in the life of an organized, self-governing community of carers and their charges subject to a defined system of standards and cooperating to achieve targets (particular emphasis was placed on productive work), and guided by a communist ideology. He employed the principle of linking challenges with respect for the individual. He described his pedagogical research in works including An Epic in Education (1933-35), Lecture for Parents (1937), and Pennants on Towers (1938). The Makarenko system, applied in the USSR and other communist countries (in particular in the 1950s and 60s) has been an object of great interest and study in many countries, and has often been a subject of fierce debate.

23 Bandera, Stepan (1919-1959)

Politician and ideologue of the Ukrainian nationalist movement, who fought for the Ukrainian cause against both Poland and the Soviet Union. He attained high positions in the Organization of Ukrainian Nationalists (OUN): he was chief of propaganda (1931) and, later, head of the national executive in Galicia (1933). He was hoping to establish an independent Ukrainian state with Nazi backing. After Germany attacked the Soviet Union, the OUN announced the establishment of an independent government of Ukraine in Lvov on 30th June 1941. About one week later the Germans disbanded this government and arrested the members. Bandera was taken to Sachsenhausen prison where he remained until the end of the war. He was assassinated by a Soviet agent in Munich in 1959.

24 Komsomol

Communist youth political organization created in 1918. The task of the Komsomol was to spread of the ideas of communism and involve the worker and peasant youth in building the Soviet Union. The Komsomol also aimed at giving a communist upbringing by involving the worker youth in the political struggle, supplemented by theoretical education. The Komsomol was more popular than the Communist Party because with its aim of education people could accept uninitiated young proletarians, whereas party members had to have at least a minimal political qualification.

25 ORT

(Russ. - Obshchestvo Razpostranienia Truda sredi Yevreyev) Society for the Propagation of Labor among Jews. Founded in 1880 in Russia, following the Revolution of 1917 it moved to Berlin. In Poland it operated from 1921 as the Organization for the Development of Industrial, Craft and Agricultural Creativity among the Jewish Population. It provided training in non-commercial trades, chiefly crafts. ORT had a network of schools, provided advanced educational courses for adults and trained teachers. In 1950 it was accused of espionage, its board was expelled from the country and its premises were taken over by the Treasury. After 1956 its activities in Poland were resumed, but following the anti-Semitic campaign in 1968 the communist authorities once again dissolved all the Polish branches of this organization.

26 Joint (American Jewish Joint Distribution Committee)

The Joint was formed in 1914 with the fusion of three American Jewish committees of assistance, which were alarmed by the suffering of Jews during World War I. In late 1944, the Joint entered Europe's liberated areas and organized a massive relief operation. It provided food for Jewish survivors all over Europe, it supplied clothing, books and school supplies for children. It supported cultural amenities and brought religious supplies for the Jewish communities. The Joint also operated DP camps, in which it organized retraining programs to help people learn trades that would enable them to earn a living, while its cultural and religious activities helped re- establish Jewish life. The Joint was also closely involved in helping Jews to emigrate from Europe and from Muslim countries. The Joint was expelled from East Central Europe for decades during the Cold War and it has only come back to many of these countries after the fall of communism. Today the Joint provides social welfare programs for elderly Holocaust survivors and encourages Jewish renewal and communal development.

27 Fighting Youth Union (ZWM)

Communist youth organization founded in 1943. The ZWM was subordinate to the Polish Workers' Party (PPR). In 1943- 44 it participated in battles against the Germans, and hit squads carried out diversion and retaliation campaigns, mainly in Warsaw, one of which was the attack on the Café Club in October 1943. In 1944 the ZWM was involved in the creation and defense of a system of authority organized by the PPR; the battle against the underground independence movement; the rebuilding of the economy from the ravages of war; and social and economic transformations. The ZWM also organized sports, cultural and educational clubs. The main ZWM paper was 'Walka Mlodych'. In July 1944 ZWM had a few hundred members, but by 1948 it counted some 250,000. Leading activists: H. Szapiro ('Hanka Sawicka'), J. Krasicki, Z. Jaworska and A. Kowalski. In July 1948 it merged with three other youth organizations to become the Polish Youth Union.

28 Kaminska, Ida (1899-1980)

Jewish actress and theater director. She made her debut in 1916 on the stage of the Warsaw theater founded by her parents. In 1921-28 she and her husband, Martin Sigmund Turkow, were the directors of the Varshaver Yidisher Kunsteater. From 1933 to 1939 she ran her own theater group in Warsaw. During World War II she was in Lvov, and was evacuated to Kyrgizia (Frunze). On her return to Poland in 1947 she became director of the Jewish theaters in Lodz, Wroclaw and Warsaw (1955-68 the E.R. Kaminska Theater). In 1967 she traveled to the US with her theater and was very successful there. Following the events of March 1968 she resigned from her post as theater director and emigrated to the US, where she lived until her death. Her best known roles include the leading roles in Mirele Efros (Gordin), Hedda Gabler (Ibsen) and Mother Courage and Her Children (Brecht), and her role in the film The Shop on Main Street (Kadár and Klos, 1965). Ida Kaminska also wrote her memoirs, entitled My Life, My Theatre (1973).

29 Folksztyme /Dos Yidishe Wort

Bilingual Jewish magazine published every other week since 1992 in Warsaw in place of 'Folksshtimme', which was closed down then. Articles are devoted to the activities of the JSCS in Poland and current affairs, and there are reprints of articles from the Jewish press abroad. The magazine 'Folksshtimme' was published three times a week. In 1945 it was published in Lodz, and from 1946-1992 in Warsaw. It was the paper of the Jewish Communists. After Jewish organizations and their press organs were closed down in 1950, it became the only Jewish paper in Poland. 'Folksshtimme' was the paper of the JSCS. It published Yiddish translations of articles from the party press. In 1956, a Polish- language supplement for young people, 'Nasz Glos' [Our Voice] was launched. It was apolitical, a literary and current affairs paper. In 1968 the paper was suspended for several months, and was subsequently reinstated as a Polish-Jewish weekly, subject to rigorous censorship. The supplement 'Nasz Glos' was discontinued. Most of the contributors and editorial staff were forced to emigrate.

30 Warsaw Ghetto Uprising (or April Uprising)

On 19th April 1943 the Germans undertook their third deportation campaign to transport the last inhabitants of the ghetto, approximately 60,000 people, to labor camps. An armed resistance broke out in the ghetto, led by the Jewish Fighting Organization (ZOB) and the Jewish Military Union (ZZW) - all in all several hundred armed fighters. The Germans attacked with 2,000 men, tanks and artillery. The insurrectionists were on the attack for the first few days, and subsequently carried out their defense from bunkers and ruins, supported by the civilian population of the ghetto, who contributed with passive resistance. The Germans razed the Warsaw ghetto to the ground on 15th May 1943. Around 13,000 Jews perished in the Uprising, and around 50,000 were deported to Treblinka extermination camp. About 100 of the resistance fighters managed to escape from the ghetto via the sewers.

Polgár Ferencné

Életrajz

Györgyit 13-14 év óta ismerem, felületesen. Születetten intelligens, érzékeny, barátságos, nyitott, közvetlen, nagyon kedves embert tisztelhetek benne. Élete utolsó két évtizedéről keveset mond az interjúban, a Venezuelában töltött harmincöt év története is épphogy „összeáll”. Lánya szociológusként dolgozik Caracasban, imádja a trópusi országot. Amikor elváltan egyedül maradt, és Györgyi megkérdezte, nem akar-e vele hazajönni – mert időközben Györgyi is egyedül maradt –, nemmel válaszolt. Györgyi így 1988-ban egyedül hazatelepült, és úgy tudom, nagyon hamar „visszatalált”. Rendkívül aktívan és sűrűn él, sok barátja van, minden érdekli. Évente egyszer-kétszer találkozik a lányával, de a nagy távolság ellenére is napi kapcsolatban vannak, változatlanul intenzíven részt vesz a lánya életében. Huszonéves unokája egy amerikai egyetemen tanul. Györgyi a mai napig a Joint önkéntese.

Az édesanyám szüleit már nem ismertem, de az ő elbeszéléséből tudom, hogy a papája tanító volt, a mamája pedig otthon volt a gyerekekkel. Pakson éltek [Paks – a 20. század első évtizedeiben járásszékhely nagyközség volt Tolna vm.-ben, 1910-ben 12 600 főnyi lakossal. – A szerk.]. Az édesanyám Goldner Irma volt, innen tudom, hogy Goldner volt a családnevük. Anyám mamájának nevét ismerem, Gutman Júliának hívták, de hogy ők honnan származtak, már nem tudom, szerintem szintén Magyarországról. Tíz gyermekük volt, akik felnőttkorukban szanaszét szóródtak. Voltak, akik Sárvárra [Vas vm.], voltak, akik egyéb helyekre kerültek, nem nagyon ismertem őket, kivéve anyám két leánytestvérét, akik mind a ketten Gyöngyösön [Heves vm.] éltek, illetve oda kerültek. Az egyik férjhez ment, a másik ment vele, és soha nem ment aztán férjhez

Édesanyám sokat mesélt nekem arról, hogy kiskorában színésznő szeretett volna lenni, és a papája meg is ígérte neki. Akkoriban – az édesanyám 1883-ban született – nem volt olyan nagy divat ilyesmiről vidéken beszélni. Úgy látszik, elég felvilágosult papája volt, mert 12 éves korában azt mondta neki, hogy ha felnő, és elvégezte már az iskoláit, akkor eljön vele Pestre, és megpróbálják. Még ugyanabban az évben a papája meghalt. Aztán már a mamája maradt csak, aki egyedül nevelte, amennyire tudta a tíz gyereket. Hogy az édesanyám hogyan került össze az édesapámmal, aki viszont keszthelyi volt, nem tudom pontosan.

Az apámat Singer Edének hívták, Keszthelyen született, 1879. szeptember 29-én [Keszthely – járásszékhely nagyközség volt Zala vm.-ben, 1910-ben 7500 főnyi lakossal. Járási szolgabírói hivatal, járásbíróság, adóhivatal, közjegyzőség stb. működött a településen; volt katolikus főgimnáziuma, polgári leányiskolája, valamint állami gazdasági akadémiája (1798 óta) és mintagazdasága. Keszthelyen volt hg. Festetics Tasziló 140 ezer holdas uradalmának a központja. – A szerk.]. Nagyapám, Singer Ignác, azt hiszem, kántor volt. Apám már egyetemista volt, amikor 1902-ben Simaira magyarosította a nevét. Akkoriban egyetlen Simai nevezetű család volt egész Magyarországon. Apám a keszthelyi katolikus főgimnáziumban érettségizett, majd Pesten, a bölcsészkaron folytatta a tanulmányait. Anyámmal Pesten ismerkedtek meg. Amikor végzett az egyetemen, és már állása is volt, összeházasodtak. Az édesapám nyelvész volt, magyar–német–görög–latin szakos tanár. Középiskolában kezdett tanítani, és tudomásom szerint még a Magyar Tudományos Akadémiától is felkérték, hogy hagyja el a hitét, mondván, hogy akkor jobban tudják támogatni, nagyobb esélye van arra, hogy a tudásának, szorgalmának, érdemeinek megfelelő munkát találjon. Bár apám nem volt vallásos, ősei hitéhez, zsidóságához ragaszkodott. Nem tért ki, pedig ezzel megalapozhatta volna a jövőjét a szó szakmai és egzisztenciális értelmében egyaránt. Az egyetemen nagyon jó tanárai voltak, Beöthy Zsolt, Gyulai Pál, Simonyi Zsigmond, Négyesy László [Beöthy Zsolt (1848–1922) – irodalomtörténész, esztéta, a budapesti tudományegyetem tanára, az MTA tagja volt; Gyulai Pál (1826–1909) – irodalomtörténész, kritikus, az MTA tagja, a budapesti tudományegyetem tanára volt. A 19. század második felében meghatározó volt kritikusi és irodalompolitikusi tevékenysége; Simonyi Zsigmond (1853–1919) – Budapesten, Lipcsében, Berlinben és Párizsban végezte tanulmányait, egyetemi tanár, az MTA tagja volt, a Magyar Nyelvtörténeti Szótár szerkesztője, a „Nyelvtudományi Közlemények”-et, valamint a „Nyelvészeti Füzetek”-et szerkesztette; Négyesy László (1861–1933) – irodalomtörténész és esztéta volt, az MTA tagja, a budapesti tudományegyetem, majd a Pázmány Péter Tudományegyetem tanára, számos verstani mű szerzője. – A szerk.]. Nagyon sokat levelezett különböző tudósokkal. Anyám pedig otthon maradt – öten voltunk testvérek.

Először csak négy gyerek volt, aztán én, teljesen véletlenül, a legkésőbbi időben születtem. Az apámról nagyon kevés emlékem van, mert 3 és fél éves voltam, amikor nagyon hirtelen, spanyolnáthában meghalt [A spanyolnátha influenzaszerű megbetegedés volt, ez idézte elő a 20. század első nagy járványát, amelynek 1918–1919-ben 20-21 millió áldozata volt. Magyarországon 1918 októberében például 44 ezren haltak meg a betegségben. – A szerk.]. Apámat teljesen véletlenül éppen az 1919-es kommunista rezsim [lásd: Tanácsköztársaság] alatt nevezték ki gimnáziumi tanárnak. Ez szerencsétlen egybeesése volt a dolgoknak, a kinevezésnek semmi köze nem volt az aktuális politikai rendszerhez. Apám pályája emiatt teljesen derékba tört, a Horthy-rezsim alatt se tanári állást, se egyéb, a végzettségének megfelelő állást nem sikerült kapnia [Egy Zala megyei életrajzi kislexikon (www.dfmk.hu/zalaiak/) a következőket közli róla: „Simai Ödön (!). Eredeti neve Singer volt. 1903-ban tanári oklevelet szerzett, 1919-ig Budapesten tanár, utána magántisztviselõ. Fõleg a felvilágosodás korának irodalmával, nyelvi változásaival foglalkozott. Fontosabb művei: Márton József mint szótáríró. Bp. 1902.; Dugonics András mint nyelvújító. Bp. 1904.; Mohács a magyar költészetben. Mohács, 1905.; Kazinczy Ferenc nyelvújítása. Bp. 1912.”  – A szerk.]. Bécsbe ment, és ott kezdett valamit dolgozni. Anyám úgy tartotta el a négy gyereket, hogy kijárt Bécsbe vonattal, és nagyon sok ruhával a testén jött vissza. Nagyon vékony volt, így sokszor öt-hat drága ruhával jött haza. Jól tudott varrni, és ügyesen eladogatta a ruhákat. Amikor meglátogatta az apámat, ennivalót vitt ki neki, és visszafelé jövet hozta haza a ruhákat. És amikor elmúltak ezek a szerencsétlen évek, az apám visszakerült, már nem tanított – nem taníthatott –, hanem nyelvészeti tanulmányokat írt [A föllelhető források szerint Simai Edének 1919 után már nem jelent meg publikációja. – A szerk.], s dolgozott, amivel megbízták. Egyébként könyvelést is vállalt, azt hiszem, döntően ebből éltünk. 1925-ben születtem, amikor a legidősebb testvérem, Borbála 19 éves, a legfiatalabb, Magdolna 13 éves volt. A két lánytestvérem között két fiútestvérem, Endre és László született két-kétévente. És 13 év után, nagyon későn, megint egy lány, én születtem.

Anyukám elmesélte nekem, hogyan történt a születésem, illetve az erről szóló családi legendát. Tulajdonképpen elmondta a gyerekeinek, hogy őneki lehet most még egy gyereke, de ők, a szülők már idősek. (Amikor én születtem, anyukám 44 éves, az apám három évvel idősebb volt.) Apám megkérdezte a testvéreimet, hogy vállalják-e azt, hogy ha ővelük történik valami, nekem a gondomat fogják viselni. Péntek este, amikor elmennek a templomba, és amikor az apám rájuk néz, a lányokra felnéz [„Felnéz” – azaz felnéz a karzatra, ahol a nők tartózkodnak a zsinagógában. Az ortodox zsinagógában ugyanis a nők nem vegyülhetnek a férfiak közé, különválasztott hely,  (sokszor ráccsal vagy függönnyel is ellátott karzat) van számukra fenntartva. – A szerk.], bólintsanak a fejükkel, ha ezt vállalják. Ez a történet a családi legendárium rám vonatkozó nagyon kedves epizódja. Nem olyan nagyon kedves abból a szempontból, hogy mennyivel jobban tették volna, hogy ha nem teszik ezt a fogadalmat. Nem amiatt, mert úgy érzem, hogy keserű vagy rossz volt az életem, hanem mert szerintem nem éri meg a sok küzdelem. Sokszor járt az a fejemben, hogy a nagy dolgok mennyire a véletlenen múlnak. Az apám 1929-ben megkapta a spanyolnáthát, és négy nap alatt meghalt szegény.

Anyám minden gyermekét otthon hozta a világra, mert az apám azt mondta, hogy neki nincs ideje kórházba járni, és azt akarja, hogy a közelében legyen a családja. Egy nagyon nagy, ötszobás lakásban laktunk, az Irányi utca 61. földszint 1-ben. Átlagos középpolgári család otthona volt, kényelmes, praktikus, talán egy-két perzsaszőnyegünk volt, semmi más rendkívüli momentumra nem emlékszem. Két lány dolgozott nálunk, ha jól emlékszem. A szomszédokkal anyámnak mindig jó kapcsolata volt, legtöbbjük zsidó volt.

Ahhoz a teljesen asszimilált budapesti középpolgári zsidósághoz tartoztunk, amely származásához ragaszkodott, de zsidóságát már nem feltétlenül a vallás mentén és csakis az által határozta meg. Péntek este, annak ellenére, hogy abszolút nem voltunk vallásosak, elmentünk a Dohány-templomba. Élt a családban egyfajta kötődés, az ősök és a szokások tisztelete, de szigorú vallásosság vagy hittantanulás nem volt. Különösen a papámra nem volt ez jellemző, mert ő egy szabadgondolkodó volt, talán azért, mert tanult volt. A testvéreimnek volt bár micvója, nekem bát micvóm, 13 éves koromig böjtöltem is a böjtnapokon, hol félnapot, hol egészet [A zsidó hagyomány szerint a gyerekek 9 éves korukig egyáltalán nem böjtölnek. 9 éves koruktól kezdve lányok esetében 12, fiúk esetében 13 éves korukig félnapot böjtölnek, és csak bár/bát micvójuk után kell böjtölniük egész nap. – A szerk.]. A szüleimnek egyébként polgári esküvője volt. A szombatot talán megtartottuk, de a többi zsidó ünnepet nem. Anyám nem vezetett kóser háztartást. A szüleim abszolút világi beállítottságú zsidók voltak, döntően hasonló gondolkodású zsidó barátaik voltak. A baráti körükhöz többnyire zsidók tartoztak, de nem feltétlenül. A háború előtt nem emlékszem durva, antiszemita megnyilvánulásra, talán azért sem, mert zsidók között éltem, a házunkban és az iskolában is egyfajta biztonságot éreztem.

Az idősebbik bátyám, Endre a MIKÉFE-nél tanult bőrdíszművességet. A másik bátyám, László érettségi után valamilyen főiskolát végzett, és nagyon fiatalon nagyon magas állásba került, 24-25 évesen cégvezető lett egy nagyvállalatnál, amit Quittnernek neveztek. A kisebbik lánytestvérem, Magda gimnazista volt, a zsidó gimnáziumba járt, amikor születtem. A legidősebb testvérem, a nővérem, Bori 22 éves korában megbetegedett tüdőbajban. Akkoriban ez gyógyíthatatlan betegség volt, hat éven keresztül próbálták gyógyítani, egy nagyon aranyos orvos járt hozzá, végül már töltötték a tüdejét, és 28 éves korában meghalt. Akkor voltam én kilenc éves. Bori egyetemista volt, ha jól emlékszem, bölcsészkarra járt. Emlékszem, nagyon szép, aranyos, bűbájos teremtés volt, nemcsak kívül, lelkileg is. Különben is, a testvéreim nagyon dédelgettek, és különösen Magda a szüleinknek tett fogadalmának maximálisan eleget tett, sőt azt többszörösen túlteljesítette.

Miután három és fél éves voltam, amikor apám meghalt, hatéves koromra anyukám úgy gondolta, hogy ő jobban tud gondoskodni magáról is és a családról is, ha nem kell velem foglalkoznia. Erről nem tudok részleteket, csak azt tudom, hogy többszöri utánjárás után nagy nehezen elintézte, hogy mint félárvát bevettek a zsidó árvaházba. És egyszer csak hatévesen, egyik napról a másikra, a meleg és barátságos családi fészekből bent találtam magam egy egészen idegen környezetben, se anyám, se testvéreim, se a lakás, semmi. Anyámék fölkészítettek, valószínűleg elmondták, hogy ennek így kell lennie, mert az anyuka, meg így, meg úgy, és majd meg fogunk látogatni, és haza is tudsz néha jönni. De ez földolgozhatatlan volt a számomra. Olyan tragédia volt ez számomra, amire mind a mai napig emlékezem, és egész életem folyamán emlékeztem. Nem volt az olyan komor hely, csak a lakáshoz képest borzasztóan furcsa. És az történt, hogy nem vetkőztem le, a hátitáskát nem vettem le magamról. Elvittek az iskolába a többi gyerekkel, és az iskolában is felöltözve és hátitáskával ültem – erre is emlékszem. És reggeltől estig sírtam. Amikor eljött az első péntek este, templomba vittek minket, és fönt lehettek a hozzátartozók, akkor emlékszem, jöttek a testvéreim, és anyuka hozta a kedvenc kalácsomat, a kakaós kalácsot, nem tudtam se enni, se beszélni, csak sírtam, sírtam. A második héten azt mondták, hogy nem tudnak velem mit kezdeni, és hogy tönkre fogok menni. Nemcsak éhségsztrájkba kezdtem, hanem levetkőzni se akartam, semmihez az égvilágon nem akartam hozzányúlni. Emlékszem, hogy az idősebbik bátyám jött értem, volt a kezében egy nagyon szép sétabot, és engem bevittek az irodába. Mint utólag megtudtam, tulajdonképpen nem akartak engem kiengedni, mert ha valaki oda bekerült, nem mehetett vissza az otthonába. És állítólag a bátyám azért hozta magával a botot, hogy szétveri az összes ablakot, ha nem engednek ki. A második hét végén hazavittek, és beírattak a rendes elemi iskolába. Ez volt gyermekkorom legnegatívabb élménye.

Mivel a legidősebb nővérem, Bori még élt, amikor én kisiskolás voltam, és ő hol szanatóriumban, hol otthon volt, egy vagy két osztályt, már nem emlékszem, Keszthelyen, a nagymamánál jártam, aki elemi iskolai tanító volt. (Ő az egyetlen a nagyszüleim közül, akit ismertem.) Egy nagyon aranyos, a szememben rettenetesen öreg néni volt, aki együtt lakott egy lánytestvérével, Mari nénivel, aki szintén nagyon öreg volt. Tündérien beszéltek, keszthelyi, Balaton környéki tájszólásban. Bennem maradt, ahogy amikor nyaralni vittek később is oda – nem csak erre az iskolai tanévre –, azt mondta, hogy „Eriggyél, fiam, fürödni”.

A két nagynéném – az apám két testvére – Keszthelyen maradt, a többi testvér máshova került, Pécsre, Mohácsra stb. A két nagynéni, folytatva a családi hagyományokat, szintén tanító volt. Nem szerettem őket, mert abba az osztályba jártam, ahol ők tanítottak – természetesen több osztályt tanítottak, és gondolom, a másodikat és a harmadikat végezhettem ott vagy annak egy részét, de a másodikat biztosan. Meg akarták mutatni, hogy ugyanúgy bánnak velem, mint a többiekkel, nincs kivételezés. És bizony az egyikük megpofozott, amihez nem voltam hozzászokva. A családban mindig nagyon szeretetteljes hangnem uralkodott, és nagyon szépen és tiszteletteljesen viselkedett mindenki egymással. A kisebbik bátyámtól egyszer kaptam egy pofont, amiért nem tudtam megtanulni azt, hogy anyukámat ne tegezzem. Ugye mint kicsinek meghagyták, hogy tegezzem, de mikor már iskolába kezdtem járni, vagy nagyobb lettem, és még mindig tegeztem anyukámat, akkor egy pofon kíséretében megtanultam, hogy anyukát csak magázni lehet. Ez a két pofon, illetve az árvaházi szörnyű élmény volt gyermekkorom három emlékezetes negatív momentuma.

A fiatalabbik nagynénémet, aki már fiatal korában is úgy nézett ki, mintha öreg lett volna, mert hófehér haja volt, később elvitték [deportálták]. A nagymamát nem, ő sokkal előbb halt meg. A másik nagynénémet, akit Szerénnek hívtak, amiért a katolikus gimnázium tornatanárához ment feleségül, a család nemcsak hogy kitagadta, de jelképesen el is temették – így szól a családi legenda [lásd: vegyes házasság]. Ő buzgó, hithű katolikus lett. Amikor a férje nagyon rövid házasság után hirtelen meghalt – gyerekük soha nem volt –, ő egész életében özvegy maradt, és teljesen belevetette magát a katolikus vallásba. Az apácák bújtatták, és azt hiszem, hogy az élete utolsó éveit is apácák között élte le, mert befogadták. A nővérem később is tartotta vele a kapcsolatot.

Az édesanyámmal nagyon jó kapcsolatom volt, de nem a mai értelemben vett szoros kapcsolatról volt szó. A kor szokásának megfelelően a szülők nagy tiszteletben, egyfajta piedesztálon álltak, ami nem engedte meg, hogy nagyon közel kerüljünk egymáshoz. Azonkívül nagy volt a korkülönbség, nem egy generáció, hanem legalább kétgenerációnyi, és így tulajdonképpen a nálam 13 évvel idősebb, a korban hozzám legközelebb álló nővérem, Magda nevelt. És mivel 16 éves koromra az öt testvérből ketten maradtunk (a bátyáim munkaszolgálatosként pusztultak el), Magdával élete végéig, az 1990-es évekig borzasztóan szoros, meleg, bizalmas, szeretetteljes kapcsolatban voltam. Magda volt az, aki rányomta bélyegét az egész életemre. Bűbájos teremtés volt nemcsak kívül, hanem leginkább belül, lelkileg. És tényleg az a típus volt, aki a saját személyénél előbbre helyez másokat, főleg engem (és később a gyermekemet).

Magda a zsidó gimnázium büszkesége volt, nemcsak a tanulásban, a sportban is. Tornaversenyeket nyert. Orvos szeretett volna lenni, egy évet el is végzett az orvostudományi egyetemen. Az első év után azonban – a gazdasági világválság [lásd: 1929-es gazdasági világválság] miatt bevezetett kényszerintézkedések következtében – megvonták az ösztöndíját [Valószínűleg a tandíjmentességet vesztette el, nem ösztöndíjat vontak meg tőle. – A szerk.], anyukám pedig nem tudta fedezni a tanulással járó költségeket. A testvérem így kimaradt. Mivel nagyon jól beszélt németül, franciául és angolul, egy szállítási vállalatnál helyezkedett el.

Gyerekkorukban, az első világháború után, a kisebbik bátyám és ő – tíz és hét évesek lehettek – egy, a Nemzetközi Vöröskereszt által szervezett akció keretében Angliában töltöttek másfél vagy két évet. A háború sújtotta országokból olyan gyerekeket láttak vendégül, akiket nehezen tartottak el. Akkor lehetett az apám éppen Bécsben. Így került az egyik testvérem Manchesterbe, a másik Birminghambe. Azért tudtak egymásról, nagyon-nagyon rendes családok fogadták be őket. Amikor visszajöttek másfél-két év után, nem tudtak magyarul. És az anyukám mindig mesélte, hogy várta őket, és nem tudott szót érteni velük, teljesen elfelejtettek magyarul.

Aztán beíratta őket az iskolába. Ez a két testvérem mindig is nagyon jól megvolt egymással, de a többiekkel is. Nekem szép emlékeim vannak, de végig csak a nővérem, Magda volt az, akinél végestelen végig éreztem azt, hogy valahova tartozom. Számomra ő jelentette a családot. Mert ő volt az, aki mindig gondoskodott rólam, aki után vágyakoztam, amikor nem volt itt. Aztán elment dolgozni, és úgy gondolta, hogyha egyetemre nem tud menni, akkor kimegy Olaszországba. Talán két vagy három évig élt Milánóban, egy szállítási vállalatnál dolgozott, és akkor már a német, francia és az angol mellett olaszul is jól tudott, így négynyelvű levelező lett. Nagyon jó állása volt. Anyukámnak nem volt nyugdíja, csak kegydíja, az apám kommün [lásd: Tanácsköztársaság] alatti állítólagos tevékenysége miatt. Ebből semmi sem volt igaz, de mintha fél füllel olyasmit is hallottam volna, hogy apám szabadkőműves volt, és a retorziók emiatt is voltak. Ez szintén a családi legendáriumhoz tartozik, és ez utóbbi variáció már hihetőbb. Magda keresetének egy részét hazaküldte, ez sokat jelentett akkoriban nekünk.

Magdának nem volt gyereke. Még lány korában mondta, emlékszem rá, hogy ő erre a világra nem akar gyereket szülni, mert az sokkal több fájdalommal és sokkal több lelki megterheléssel járna a gyerekre nézve és rá nézve is. Ugyanakkor engem úgy kezelt, mint akit egész életében segíteni-pátyolgatni kell – a szó legszebb értelmében. Pedig hát voltak dolgok, amiket én sokkal reálisabban láttam, mint ő. A nővérem a háború előtt ment férjhez, de már nagyon nehéz idők voltak, ha jól tudom, 25 éves volt. Tulajdonképpen nem sokat élt a férjével, akit Bleier Endrének hívtak, és akihez én nagyon ragaszkodtam. Aztán elvitték Borba [lásd: munkaszolgálat (musz); bori rézbányák], és soha többet nem látta. A nővérem anyósa Pesten élt, és egy szőnyegbombázás alatt halt meg. Nagyon aranyos nő volt. Volt egy öccse is a sógoromnak, ő visszajött a munkaszolgálatból, évtizedekig a Berlin étterem vezetője volt. És akkor a nővérem özvegy lett, és anyukámmal maradt.

Nemcsak a nővérem, az édesapám is nagyon sikeres volt a középiskolában és az egyetemen is. Apám két kitüntetést is kapott a Magyar Tudományos Akadémiától tudományos munkássága elismeréseként. A családunkban szép és komoly tradíció volt a tanulásban való maximális teljesítmény, amit akkor én valahogy nemigen éreztem át. Az elemiben én is rendkívül jól tanultam. Bekerültem a zsidó gimnáziumba, ahol a tanárok nagy része a nővéremet is tanította, és állandóan emlegették, hogy bezzeg a nővérem.

Az első és a második gimnáziumi osztályt még jól elvégeztem, de aztán kezdődött a latin, az algebra és a matematika, és én ott elvesztettem minden érdeklődésemet. Most, utólag vagy mentségemre legyen mondva, azt is éreztem, hogy unatkozom, de hát a többiek nem unatkoztak. Soha nem csináltam házi feladatot, hanem ott, az iskolában másokról másoltam le. 12-13 éves koromra más iránt érdeklődtem, a könyvek és az emberek iránt, a magyar irodalom volt az egyetlen, amiből teljesen jó voltam. Sőt, írtam olyan dolgokat, hogy nem is nagyon gondolták, hogy én írtam. Valószínűleg azért, mert a többi tantárgyból olyan komoly lemaradásaim voltak. Kegyelemből engedtek át – már nem is tudom, hányadikban – latinból. Később úgy értékeltem ezt a korszakomat, hogy talán nem voltak olyan tanárok, akik fel tudták volna kelteni az érdeklődésemet. Matematikából igen korán elvesztettem a fonalat, és a lustaságom miatt sohasem találtam meg. Később, amikor a családnak könyvelőre volt szüksége, egész jól megálltam a helyem.

Szóval 16 éves koromban abbahagytam a gimnáziumot. A bátyáim azt mondták, ha nem tanulsz, akkor valamit csinálni kell. Lehet, hogy talán türelmesebbek lettek volna velem egy másik történelmi korban, ha nem 1925-ben születtem volna, és ha nem 1942-t írtunk volna. A bátyám cége révén egy textilgépipari szakiskolába kerültem. Aztán egy selyemharisnyagyárba kerültem, egy speciális körkötőgép mellett dolgoztam, amit – azt hiszem – ma is tudnék használni. Ez akkoriban egy kifejezetten elit, nagyon jól fizetett szakma volt.

Azonkívül talán szerettem volna divattervezéssel foglalkozni. Jól rajzoltam, amiből felnőtt életemre tulajdonképpen semmi nem maradt. Nagyon szerettek ott engem, a vezetőnő és a munkásnők is, akiknek ruhákat terveztem, amiket aztán meg is csináltattak. Az első időben, amikor odakerültem, nagyon kétségbeestem, mindig sírva mentem haza, mert nagyon csúnyán beszéltek egymás közt. Velem nagyon aranyosak és segítőkészek voltak, nagy szeretettel vettek körül, ebben nem volt semmi hiba. Csúnya és durva szavakat használtak a hétköznapi kommunikációikban, nekik ez természetes volt, én mégis szenvedtem ettől a stílustól, éreztem, hogy ez borzasztóan távol áll az én „köreimtől”. Ott voltam 16 éves koromtól, amíg el nem vittek.

Gyermekkoromban általában a keszthelyi nagymamánál, és később is a Balatonnál nyaraltam, nem anyukámmal, hanem egyik-másik testvéremmel, általában a testvéreim baráti köreihez kapcsolódóan. Nyári szünidőben sokat jártam a Széchenyi-fürdőbe általában a barátnőimmel, akik az elemi iskola óta döntően zsidó származásúak voltak. Anyukám leánykori barátnőivel, volt iskolatársaival barátkozott, velük jött össze. A rokonok egy töredékével tartottuk rendszeresen a kapcsolatot, a legtöbbről tudtam, de nemigen találkoztunk. 1942-ben 16 éves voltam. Éltem a 16 évesek mindennapi életét, dolgoztam, színházba jártam, szerelmes voltam, túlságosan fiatal, hogy a politikai életben lejátszódó drámai események egy kicsit is foglalkoztassanak. Egyébként 1944 márciusáig-áprilisáig, amikortól a saját bőrömön is éreztem, hogy itt most valami más világ van készülőben, még ekkorra sem mondhatom, hogy egy kicsit is tisztában lettem volna azzal, hogy mi készülődik. Túl fiatal voltam, és mint mondtam, eléggé védett miliőben éltem.

Endre, az idősebbik bátyám gyönyörű szép férfi volt. A korához képest túlságosan zárkózott, nehezen oldódó, de a testvéreivel kedves és szeretetteljes volt. Sohasem nősült meg, talán azért, mert apám korai halála miatt egyfajta családfenntartó és családfői szerepet töltött be. Mindvégig velünk élt, anyám gondoskodott róla. Bőrdíszműves-modellező volt, elsőszériás, Magyarországon még nem gyártott új termékeket készített, a Szervita téri híres Csángó család üzletében dolgozott nagyon sokáig. Azt hiszem, egyszer kiment Párizsba is, hogy tovább képezze magát.

Először 1942-ben vagy 1943-ban hívták be munkaszolgálatra, vissza is jött. Mikor másodszor is elvitték, sokáig nem tudtunk róla semmit. Ettől a bátyámtól két tábori levelezőlapot is őrzök, amelyben, számomra érdekes módon, többek között az iránt érdeklődött az édesanyámtól, hogy én hogy viselkedek. És ebből arra a következtetésre jutottam, mikor már felnőttkoromban elolvastam a lapokat, hogy nem lehettem olyan nagyon kezes bárány, ha ő még onnan is az után érdeklődött, hogy én hogyan viselkedek. Elég lázadó természetem volt, de nem olyan látványosan lázadtam, hanem inkább hagytam, hogy mondják, amit akarnak.

És egyszer jött valaki, aki ismerte őt, és ott volt. Fiatalabb volt, mint a bátyám, de együtt voltak, az illető nem volt zsidó, hanem katolikus, és gondolom, a kerethez tartozhatott. Nem volt az a tipikus keretlegény, ahogy emlegették őket, hanem jobb érzésű volt, és elmondta, hogy tulajdonképpen mi történt. Akik még megmaradtak, azokat elhelyezték egy istállóban. Aztán rájuk gyújtották az istállót, és ott bent égtek valamennyien. Ezek között volt az én idősebbik bátyám. Tehát ő későbben halt meg (mint a fiatalabbik bátyám), és ilyen szörnyű körülmények között [Endre feltehetően Dorosicsban halt meg. 1943. április 30-án Dorosics kolhozfaluban (Ukrajnában, Zsitomir és Korosten között) egy járványos betegekkel zsúfolt pajtát felgyújtottak. Itt 800 beteg volt, közülük talán tucatnyian menekültek meg, a többiek vagy bent égtek, vagy legéppuskázták őket a keretlegények, amikor az égő pajtából menekülni próbáltak. – A szerk.].

A kisebbik bátyám, László nagyon helyes, nagyon aranyos fiú volt, termetre nem olyan magas, mint az idősebbik bátyám. 32 éves volt, akkor már nyolc éve nős, amikor elvitték. Katolikus felesége volt, egy nagyon bájos nő, aki elég nagy szomorúsága volt az édesanyámnak. Azért is, mert nem zsidó vallású volt, és azért is, mert válófélben volt, hogy már volt egy férje, és mert talán egy kicsit idősebb is volt, mint a bátyám, de nagyon bájos nő volt. Vele nagyon jó viszonyban voltam, szinte a barátnőm volt. Nagyon szerették egymást a testvéremmel, aki csak úgy szólította őt, hogy Szívecske. Az egész nyolc éven keresztül soha nem szólította másképp. Nagyon szép pár voltak. Aztán 32 éves korában, talán 1943-ban elvitték büntetőszázadba. Azért került oda, mert feljelentették, hogy katolikus felesége van, és hogy vezető állásban van. Három napon belül meghalt. Ezt a századot, ahogy akkoriban hallottuk, és egy kicsit utánakutattunk, aknamezőre vitték, minden eszköz és kiképzés nélkül. Amikor felnőttebb lettem, anyámnak nagyon sokszor mondtam, milyen jó, hogy 24 évesen a bátyám megnősült, így volt nyolc boldog éve, és ezt ő, az anyám nem tudta volna pótolni. Anyám igazat adott nekem. Anyámnak az is nagy fájdalma volt, hogy László korán megnősült, és nem maradt a családban, hogy amikor végzett, segíthette volna. Valami fiatalkori tüdőbaj miatt a bátyám feleségének nem lehetett gyereke. Ez a sógornőm nagyon sokáig élt, és a harmadik férjét is túlélte. Meg is látogattam, amikor külföldről visszajöttem.

Akkoriban nagyon megrendített a testvéreim halála, de nem tudott sokáig megrendíteni, mert aztán engem is elvittek. A későbbiek folyamán olyan rettenetes idők jöttek, hogy kiestek az életemből, nem voltak jelen a memóriámban. Annyi minden rakódott rám, annyi minden történt velem, annyi felé voltam, annyi dologban kellett részt vennem, hogy egyszer csak azt kérdeztem magamtól: hogy létezik, hogy olyan keveset gondolok rájuk? Kiestek az életemből. Ez elég fájdalmas volt.

Amikor a csillagos házban laktunk, akkor már nem jártam dolgozni. Otthon maradtam, de nemsokára elvittek dolgozni a téglagyárba. Csillagos ház 1944 áprilisától lettünk. Ekkorra a testvérem, Magda már megözvegyült, és velünk lakott. Az Elemér utca 16-ban laktunk, a második emeleten, kétszobás lakásban, és a csillagos ház kijelölése után odaköltözött hozzánk egy unokatestvér-rokon, egy idősebb nő a két lányával, akinek a férje akkor már, azt hiszem, nem élt. Ők a Dózsa György út és az István út sarkán laktak. A mi kétszobás lakásunkban laktunk hatan, anyuka, a testvérem, én és ők hárman.

Már a csillagos házban laktunk, amikor volt egy udvarlóm, egy nagyon-nagyon aranyos fiú, Erlich Robinak hívták. Az édesapjának az Ó utcában volt grafikus műhelye, és azt tanulta ki ő is. Hét vagy nyolc évvel idősebb volt, mint én, és valójában a nővérem társaságához tartozott, a nővérem mutatta be nekem. Kedveltem őt, de túl fiatal voltam a szerelemhez, de azt azért éreztem, hogy ő egy nagyon helyes valaki, és nagyon jó szívvel van irántam a családjával együtt. A családjával, a testvéreivel nagyon jó barátságba kerültem, különösen a húgával, Hédivel. A Robi szülei sokkal modernebb, felszabadultabb szülők voltak, mint az én anyukám, aki nagyon féltett engem. Robi édesapja az első világháború hadirokkantja volt, az egyik karja hiányzott, de ezzel együtt nagyon jól tudott dolgozni, bár természetesen nem ő dolgozott, ő többnyire csak ült, és a Robi dolgozott mellette. Robi érettségizett, csodálatosan tangóharmonikázott, csodálatosan zongorázott, és ráadásul egy matematikai tehetség volt. Nagyon aranyos volt, és nagyon szelíden bánt velem.

Beteg is volt, mint azt megtudtam. Az Andrássy úton, a Bábszínház helyén volt valami kis színház, és egy nap odamentünk, és azt vettem észre, amit már előzőleg is, hogy rengeteg vizet iszik, és hogy minden szünetben rögtön rohan a büfébe üveges vízért. Akkor elég csúnya módon a szünetben az utcán azt mondtam neki, hogy legjobb lenne, hogyha egy slaugot hozna magával, mert annyi vizet iszik. S akkor elmesélte nekem, hogy amikor az édesapjával egyszer mentek hazafelé valahonnan, megcsúszott, és egy járda szélébe ütötte be a tarkóját, és ekkor megsérült egy bizonyos mirigy, ami a víz feldolgozására szolgál. Azért kell annyi vizet innia, mert az agyának ez a része gyakorlatilag nem működött. Robi egyébként teljesen egészséges volt. Nagyon rosszul éreztem magam, a mai napig emlékszem az esetre. Elkövetkezett az az idő, amikor elvitték munkaszolgálatosnak. Az édesapját nem hívták be, mert hadirokkant volt, de az apja azt mondta, hogy őnélküle nem megy sehova, és hogy vele megy, mert ő tudta, hogy mi a fia baja, és hogy ő szerez majd vizet. Mind a ketten meghaltak nagyon rövid idő alatt. Mielőtt engem elvittek volna, akkor már tudtam, hogy ők már nem élnek. Azért is emlékszem erre olyan élesen.

Nem tudom, hova vitték őket, nem hiszem, hogy Oroszországba. Emlékszem, hogy mentem a családhoz érdeklődni, hogy mi van a Robival, meg talán írt is nekem, de nem sokáig, mert nagyon rövid idő alatt történt mindez. Hédi, a húga férjhez ment közben a vőlegényéhez – azt is elvitték, de aztán visszakerült, kisgyermekük is lett aztán, szóval megmaradtak, a mama is megmaradt, de a papa és a Robi elpusztult.

Még a csillagos ház előtt történt, hogy a házba került Clopot Feri, aki Romániából, Kolozsvárról menekült Magyarországra, a papája cipőgyáros volt. A ’clopot’ az egyetlen szó, amit tudok románul, harangot jelent. Egy rokonunkhoz ment lakni, és így ismerkedtünk meg. Gyakran járt hozzánk, és sokat beszélgettünk, és beszélt arról, hogyha túléli, akkor milyen jó lenne, ha Kolozsvárra visszamehetne, és vele mennék. Amikor elvitték munkaszolgálatosnak valahova Budapest területére, üzent, amelyben finoman célzott arra, hogy úgy tudja, hogy akik nősek vagy megnősülnek, azokat nem viszik el Budapest vagy Magyarország területéről. Erre a nővérem és én összeszedtük az irataimat, és fölültünk a villamosra azzal, hogy elmegyünk, és megkeressük őt. Azt tudtuk, hogy hol van, mert tudtuk, hogy honnan üzent, és hajlandó voltam névházasságot kötni vele, hogy ő Magyarországon maradhasson, és így megmeneküljön. Akkor mindenki igyekezett segíteni mindenkin. El is mentünk, azt hiszem, Kőbánya felé, de mire odaértünk, kiderült, hogy előző nap mentek el. Clopot Feri elpusztult.

Emlékszem, a testvérem, Magda még kijárt dolgozni egy darabig a csillagos házból, és éltük az életünket. És még csak azt sem mondhatom, hogy elkeseredettek voltunk, mert az olyan mindennapi dolgok, hogy mit fogunk tudni főzni, hogy le kell menni a pincébe, hogy mit viszünk le a pincébe, hogy most bombariadó van, most ez van, most az van, teljesen kitöltötték az életünket.

A házunkban volt egy idős nő valamelyik lakásban a fiával. A fiú nemesi származású volt az apja révén, a mama nem, a mama zsidó volt. A papa, nem is tudom, hogy akkor még élt-e, Wyrschlingnek hívták őket, ipszilonnal. A mama nevére nem emlékszem. Az történt, hogy a mamának be kellett jönnie a csillagos házba, és a kisebbik fia is ment vele, nem engedte az anyját egyedül oda. A fiú 20-22 éves lehetett, kijárt, talán dolgozott is, erre már nem emlékszem. Egy szelíd, bohém, nagyon jó kedélyű, aranyos fiú volt. Talán még él, találkoztam vele egyszer. Mentünk az utcán, és azt mondta, hogy ő megpróbál menlevelet szerezni nekem. Ismert valakit, akinek csak a nevét tudta, és azt, hogy egyik intézője az ilyen dolgoknak. Megálltunk a Bethlen téren egy telefonfülke előtt, és ő valami ezredesnek vagy századosnak a nevében mutatkozott be, telefonon, hogy elmegy oda, és hogy erről és erről van szó, és hogy nagy szívességet tennél nekem stb., és valamiben megállapodtak telefonon. Én meg ott álltam kint. Erről aztán már többször nem esett szó, folytattuk a mindennapi életet. Ennek a történetnek nem lett folytatása.

Kimenni sehova nem mentünk, nem volt kijárás, legalábbis nekünk, gyerekeknek egyáltalán nem. Egyetlen ilyen alkalomra emlékszem, 1944. május 20-ára, ekkor volt a testvérem, Magda születésnapja. És kimentem a sárga csillaggal, és egy akkora orgonacsokorral jöttem vissza, amit sehogy sem tudtam úgy átfogni, hogy a sárga csillag ne legyen eltakarva, mert végül is mindkét kezemmel átfogva tudtam csak a hatalmas orgonacsokorral hazajönni. Általában ennivalót szerezni mentünk ki. Egész jó közösség alakult ki a házban, voltak katolikusok is. A mi közvetlen szomszédunk is egy nem zsidó özvegy nagymama volt a lányával és a fiúunokájával. Az a nő is nagyon rendesen viselkedett, inkább pátyolgatott engem, kedves volt hozzám, és hozott nekem dolgokat.

Elérkezett az október 23. Már előző nap hallottuk, hogy listákkal jönnek, és bizonyos korig elvisznek munkára. Közben megtudtuk – még sokkal előbb talán –, hogy anyám testvéreit és a sógorát elvitték Gyöngyösről, jött tőlük egy lap, hogy „Drágáim, visznek bennünket”. Ez volt az utolsó jel, ami tőlük jött. Az egyiknek, Aranka néninek volt két fia, a másik, a Zsófi néni nem volt férjnél. Aranka néni két gyermeke közül az egyik csak a mostohafia volt, de kétéves korától ő nevelte, mert özvegyemberhez ment férjhez Gyöngyösre. Amikor ő odakerült, vitte a lánytestvérét magával. A kisebbik fia elpusztult a munkaszolgálatban, Aranka néni pedig Auschwitzban. Csak a mostohafiú maradt meg, akinek a felesége még mindig él itt Budapesten, és elég jó viszonyban vagyunk.

A családunknak az a része, amelyik Mohácson és Pécsen élt, teljesen elpusztult. Pécsen élt egy unokatestvérem, aki velem egyidős volt, és állítólag nagyon hasonlított rám, az is meghalt. Akiket vidékről vittek el, azok tudomásom szerint nem jöttek vissza. És milyen halványak már az emlékek! Ez olyan, mint hogyha nem is velem történt volna. De valahogy a legmegrázóbb az, hogy a testvéreim is elidegenedtek ezáltal, hogy olyan korán elvesztettem őket. Talán, mert olyan fiatal voltam… Egy-egy jelenet, egy-egy dolog jut csak eszembe: a kisebbik testvérem mindig színházba vitt, gyerekelőadásra, a nagyobbik sétálni, és egészében nagyon sokat foglalkoztak velem.

Október 23-án vittek el a csillagos házból. Akiket aznap összeszedtek, mind a KISOK-pályára kerültünk. Nem tudom, hányan mentünk, de hárman jöttünk vissza, köztünk egy távoli unokatestvérem is. Emlékszem egy szomszédnőre, akit Arankának hívtak, és másokra is a házból. Akiket említettem, azokra azért emlékszem annyira, mert az egyik most is él, az unokatestvérem, 89 éves, és teljes szellemi frissességnek örvend, jobban emlékszik a dolgokra, mint én. A másikról, aki visszajött, nem tudok semmit. Elvittek minket a KISOK-pályára, és abban a nagy tömegben írtam egy lapot a testvéremnek, erre jól emlékszem. Hogy hogy mentünk el? Mint akik sítúrára mennek, bakancsban és hátizsákkal. A hátizsákban ruhanemű, családi fényképek, tisztálkodószerek, több kabát volt, és nagyon fel voltunk öltözve. Lehetett tudni, hogy aki fel van öltözve, az kicsoda. Ennek azért volt jelentősége, mert ez volt az oka annak, hogy nem szöktünk meg. Az Irénkének, akivel együtt laktunk, volt egy vőlegénye, gróf Teleki Kamillnak hívták, és régen udvarolt neki, éppen házasság előtt voltak. A gróf kapcsolatban állt az ellenállási csoporttal és katonatisztekkel is, amiről mi nem tudtunk. A második nap egyszer csak megjelent a KISOK-pálya kerítésénél, és azt mondta, hogy gyertek – mármint az Irénkének és nekem, talán még az Arankát is vitte volna, mert így hárman voltunk együtt. De nekünk, kettőnknek azt mondta, hogy menjünk vele, tud nekünk helyet, és elvisz minket, kiszöktet. Nem mertünk menni, mert villamosra kellett volna szállni, és abban az öltözékben biztosak voltunk benne, hogy úgyis elkapnak minket. Úgy éreztük, hogy még mindig biztonságosabb a tömegben maradni, mint egyénileg esetleg lebukni, így nem mentünk. Kamill, miután nem sikerült kihoznia bennünket, elment a leendő anyósához és a testvéremhez. Az Irénke mostohatestvérét, Bözsit akkorra már elvitték, soha nem jött vissza. Ő volt a Passuth László titkárnője, mikor még bankigazgató volt [Passuth László (1900–1979) – író, műfordító. 1919–1950 között banktisztviselő, 1950-től 1960-ig az Országos Fordító Iroda szakfordítója volt. Írásai a „Nyugat”, a „Szép Szó”, a „Magyar Szemle”, a „Jelenkor”, a „Válasz” stb. hasábjain jelentek meg. Hírnevét elsősorban történelmi regényeivel szerezte. – A szerk.]. Nagyon művelt, több nyelven beszélő nő volt.

Kamill a jövendő anyósát, anyámat és a nővéremet, hármukat elvitte Budára egy bizonyos Katona nevű katonatiszt családjához. Háztartási alkalmazottként voltak bejelentve, mint akik vidékről menekültek. A szomszédok biztos sejtették, hogy miről van szó, de nem jelentették fel őket. Így megmenekültek.

A KISOK-pályáról elvittek minket. Először napi 15–30, majd 40 kilométereket gyalogoltunk, vidéki helyekre emlékszem, ahol szerintem jelképesen árkot ásattak vagy egyéb hasonló munkákat végeztettek velünk. Elszállásoltak és ennivalót is kaptunk, időnként egy-egy tanyán megpihenhettünk, de én mégiscsak arra emlékszem, hogy rengeteget kellett menni. Gönyű felé mentünk, mint ahogy később megtudtam, a határ felé. Pihenésül megállhattunk tanyáknál. Arra is emlékszem, hogy egy éjszaka nagyon nagy bombatámadás volt, és a becsapódások közvetlenül mellettünk voltak. Nagyon-nagyon féltünk, mert vakítóan világos volt minden, mi pedig a padláson leterített szalmán remegtünk, és ha oda becsap, akkor mindnyájan ottmaradunk. Gönyű felé menet, emlékszem, Győrön keresztül mentünk. Éppen reggel volt, az emberek munkába mentek. Hirtelen mellém lépett egy fiatal nő, és az uzsonnáját vagy az ebédjét a kezembe nyomta. Életemben először ettem disznózsíros kenyeret cukorral. Nekik sem volt rendes ennivalójuk. De olyan szépen adták [lásd: halálmenetek Hegyeshalomba].

A mi csoportunk 600 nőből állt, férfiak nem voltak, ez a KISOK-pályára összeterelt budapesti nők csoportja volt. Azt hiszem, a férfiakat már korábban munkaszolgálatra, a nőket pedig deportálni vagy munkára vitték. Nagyjából, ha jól emlékszem, az 1913 és 1925 között születetteket gyűjtötték össze, hiszen, én voltam a legfiatalabb korú az 1925-ös születésemmel [Braham szerint több alkalommal is felszólították a budapesti zsidó nőket munkára: 1944. október 22-én minden 18 és 40 év közötti – tehát 1904 és 1926 között született – nőt; november 2-án a 16 és 50 év közötti – tehát az 1928 és 1894 között született (varrni tudó) nőket; november 3-án ismét elrendelték a 16–40 éves női korosztály összeírását „a nemzetvédelemmel összefüggő munkaszolgálatra”. Lásd Randolph L. Braham: A magyar Holocaust, Budapest, Gondolat/Wilmington, Blackburn International Inc., é. n. /1988/. – A szerk.] Emlékszem, hogy levelezőlapot is vittünk magunkkal, hogy ha lehet, majd írunk. És írtam is a testvéremnek, hogy itt és itt vagyunk, és nem tudjuk, hogy hova visznek minket. Azelőtti nap, mielőtt elvittek bennünket, azt mondta a testvérem az anyukámnak, hogy túl nagyok a csipetkék a bablevesben. Én pedig azt írtam a testvéremnek, hogy itt se nagy, se kicsi csipetke nincs a bablevesben. Nem tudom, hogy meddig vittük magunkkal a cókmókjainkat. Időnként le kellett tenni a hátizsákot, és akkor megmondták, hogy mit lehet továbbvinni – majdnem semmit. Rengeteg hátizsák maradt az úton. Emlékszem, eltettünk egy teljesen ismeretlen családi albumot, amit sokáig vittünk magunkkal. Gyönyörű képek voltak benne, talán azért is vittük el magunkkal, hogy nézegessük. Aztán attól is megváltunk. Nem tudom, mennyi idő alatt, de november végére elérkeztünk Gönyűre, ahol hajóra tettek minket, és elvittek Dachauba, ez volt az első állomás.

Mint utólag kiderült, tulajdonképpen Dachau egy valóságos szanatórium volt, ahol politikai foglyokat tartottak. Minket egy különálló részben helyeztek el tiszta priccsekre, enni is adtak – még parizert is kaptunk, ha jól emlékszem –, és inni is lehetett meg tisztálkodni. Egész nap ott voltunk, járkáltunk, nem csináltunk különösebben semmit. Azt hiszem, már nagyon kevés holmink volt akkor, de valami még mindig megmaradt. Hat vagy nyolc napig voltunk ott. Utána vagonokba tettek minket, és Ravensbrückbe vittek. Utólag úgy számoltam, hogy körülbelül tizenkét napot töltöttünk ott. December 19-én indultunk tovább. Ravensbrückben hatalmas sátrak voltak, ahol sem lefeküdni, sem ülni nem lehetett, annyian voltunk. Ott láttunk először Auschwitzból jötteket. Ez olyan megrázó élmény volt, amit fényképszerűen magam előtt látok: tőlünk távol állt egy csoport ember, nők csíkos kabátban, és nem volt már emberi külsejük. Legalábbis a mi akkori fogalmaink szerint nem tartozhattak bele. Rettenetes volt. Nem tudom, hogy továbbvitték-e őket aztán, vagy hova kerültek. Aztán magunkkal kellett foglalkozni, mert aludni kellett, leginkább állva vagy egymásra támaszkodva, olyan borzalmasan szűkösen fértünk el.

Ennivalóra nem emlékszem, de valami biztos volt, ha életben maradtunk. Arra emlékszem, hogy sorba kellett állni a mosakodáshoz. Két sor volt, az egyik a bemenetel, akkor még nem tudtunk a gázkamrákról, tehát nem volt az, hogy most gázkamrába megyünk. Nem oda vittek, de akár vihettek volna oda is, akkor se gondoltunk volna rá, mert erről akkor még nem hallottunk. Aztán bementünk, még a saját ruhánk volt rajtunk, és talán kabát is, meg talán még csomag is, nem tudom. Le kellett mindent tenni, és csak a cipő maradhatott rajtunk. Rajtam egy jó erős magas szárú cipő volt, anyukám csak ebben engedett el, amit még a gimnáziumi éveim alatt csináltatott nekem. Abban jöttem vissza, azt soha nem vették el, és a harisnyába talán dugtam egy ollót, gondoltam, majd ha kijövünk, megkeresem a ruháimat. Igen ám, de nem ott jöttünk ki, ahol bementünk, hanem megfürödtünk, mindenkinek levágták a haját, az enyémet nem, hogy miért nem, talán véletlen folytán kimaradtam, nem tudom, és én nem is tiltakoztam, nem lehetett ott tiltakozni. Ez elég nagy baj volt, mert sokkal kellemetlenebb volt így a tisztálkodás, azonkívül ki is hullott. Szóval nem volt jobb, hogy nem volt levágva. Ahogy kifelé mentünk, odadobtak nekünk egy pultról valami ruhaneműt, mert a régit már nem kaptuk vissza. Se bugyi, se kombiné, semmi. Ahogy jöttünk ki, nekem egy bokáig érő, átlátszó nyári ruha jutott fehérnemű nélkül, vizes fejjel decemberben, és a cipőm meg a harisnyám.

Kifelé jövet, azok, akik befelé mentek, odadobáltak nekünk holmikat, kinél mi volt, és nekem valami rózsaszínű flanel rongy jutott, amit úgy, ahogy magamra tudtam teríteni, elég nagy volt, olyan takarószerű. Ez volt velem tizenkét napig. Nem fáztam, mert a sátorban annyian voltunk. Hogy hova jártunk vécére, és hogy tisztálkodtunk-e? Valahogy biztosan. És ki lehetett menni, mert különben saját magunk alá kellett volna piszkítani. Egymásnak tudtunk dőlni, de rettenetes volt, mert annyian voltunk, hogy jóformán csak állni tudtunk. Leülni is csak úgy volt lehetséges, ha nagyon sokan fölálltak. Szóval ez a tizenkét nap Ravensbrückben rettenetes volt. De ugyanakkor, ha így visszagondolok, nem volt kínzás. Ez maga volt a kínzás. De mégis közösségben voltunk, ugyanaz jutott neked, mint a többinek.

Aztán vagonokba raktak minket, és úgy – szerintem szándékosan –, hogy kevesen legyünk, ami azt jelentette, hogy megfagyhattál. Én abban a nyári ruhában… Olyan hatan, nyolcan, tízen lehettünk egy vagonban. És ezek szerint túléltem, és talán a többiek is. A körülbelül hatszáz nő közül voltak, akik az úton meghaltak. Tudok olyanról, aki még Magyarországon meghalt, és tudok olyanról is, aki meghibbant, nagyon helyes fiatal nő volt. Ezek fátyolos emlékek. S akkor elvittek minket vagonokban Berlin külvárosába, Spandauba, a börtönbe [Spandauban egy hatalmas börtön volt, amely ez idő tájt munkatáborként működött, az ide deportáltak egy, a tábortól néhány kilométerre lévő hadiüzemben dolgoztak. – A szerk.]. A börtön akkor hatalmas, sok épületből álló táborkomplexum volt. Mi egy hatalmas, téglából épült hangárba kerültünk, ami tele volt háromemeletes ágyakkal, priccsekkel, szalmazsákokkal, pokrócokkal, meg talán kályha is volt egy-egy helyen. Beláthatatlanul nagy hely volt. Az ágyak alacsonyak voltak, a harmadik emeleti ágyak fölött a hangár beláthatatlan magassága valahogy oldotta a zsúfoltságot. S akkor aztán valahogy elhelyezkedtünk. Én már betegen érkeztem, valószínűleg tüdőgyulladásom volt, és ettől a tüdőgyulladástól, mint az később kiderült, a hallóidegeimnek a tizenöt százaléka elhalt. Borzasztóan magas lázam volt, és minden, ami ezzel járt, gyógyszer pedig nem volt. Valahogy ki kellett lábalnom. Akikkel együtt voltam, és akik törődtek velem, csak biztattak, hogy gyere csak ki reggel, mikor sötétben, hajnali öt órakor, a hatalmas farkaskutyák ugatása és a kápók ordítása közepette ki kellett menni. Ekkor szedték mindig össze, akiket munkára vittek.

Kezdetben szerencsére nem kellett dolgoznom, a végén már mindenki ment dolgozni. A legtöbb időt, hat vagy nyolc hónapot itt töltöttem el. És hogy hogyan gyógyultam meg, és mikor mentem dolgozni, arra nem emlékszem, de minden reggel ott voltam az appelplatzon, mert nem akartam a társaimtól elszakadni. Arra sem emlékszem, hogy mit csináltunk, amikor nem dolgoztunk kint egy hadiüzemben, ahol rabszolgákként dolgoztunk, légelhárító lövedékeknek a hüvelyét gyártottuk. Nagyon nagy gyár volt, lehet, hogy más dolgokat is gyártottak, de én csak arról a részlegről tudok, amiben én is dolgoztam. A gyár úgy három-négy kilométernyire volt a tábortól, körülbelül egy órát tartott oda az út. A munkaidő tizenkét óra volt naponta, óriási súlyokat emeltünk, toltunk. Német munkások irányítottak minket a gyárban. Különösebben nem beszéltünk velük, és ők sem beszéltek velünk, de amikor szóltak hozzánk, akkor rendesek voltak, némelyik még az ételét is megosztotta velünk. Megengedték, hogy egyszer-egyszer ráüljünk a fűtőtestre, mert nagyon hideg volt ott is. Amikor bombatámadás volt, akkor kivittek minket a szabadba – mert ugye lent, a pincében ők voltak, a munkások vagy nem is tudom, kik –, meg azért is, hogyha ki van világítva, lássák, kik fekszenek ott a füvön vagy a hóban. Mert látszott rajtunk, mindannyiunkon csíkos rabkabát volt.

Ezen a helyen regisztráltak minket először. Az én számom a 13744 volt. Még mindig megvan az eredeti spandaui szalag, rajta bélyegző és a nevem: Simai Györgyi, a szalag rá volt varrva a kabátunkra. Ez az egyetlen, amit elhoztam magammal.

Enni reggel valami barna lét és barna kenyeret kaptunk, az egész leginkább a sárhoz hasonlított. Napközben semmit sem kaptunk, este pedig a szokásos híg lötty egy csajkában. Az eredetileg hatszáz nőből május első napjaira talán tíz-tizenöt százalék maradt életben. Emlékszem, az utolsó napok holttesteit is velünk együtt szállították el Spandauból, többet deszkaládába préselve, és hogy ez lehetséges legyen, az egyik kápó lábbal jól megtaposta a holttesteket a ládában. Egyetlen nőnek vagy férfinak az arcára sem emlékszem, akik felügyeltek ránk. Az agyam valószínűleg törölte őket az emlékezetemből, hogy ne a személyekre, hanem a gyalázat egészére mint olyanra emlékezzek.

1945. május 6-án érkeztünk Oranienburgba [Ez a sachsenhauseni koncentrációs tábor egyik altábora volt. – A szerk.], május 8-ra eltűntek a német felügyelők és a kápók. Állítólag Oranienburgban is volt krematórium, én nem láttam, pár nappal korábban állítólag az angolok szétbombázták. A fekvőbetegek a táborban maradtak, egy kis csoporttal elindultunk az erdő felé, jóformán négykézláb, mert a harcok még folytak, és ágyúztak. Talán egynapi járás után Sachsenhausenbe értünk. Itt napokig magas lázzal feküdtem, hideg tályog volt a csípőmön, amit visszatérésem után is sokáig kezeltek. A faluban lengyel katonák és zsidó tisztek voltak, igyekeztek segíteni nekünk. Két-három hét után egypáran elindultunk gyalogosan hazafelé, és június végére a cseh határhoz értünk. Itt fertőtlenítettek minket, enni adtak, a Vöröskereszt ruhát. Innen vonattal indultunk Budapestre.

A Nyugati pályaudvarra napok múlva érkeztünk meg, mert vagy állt a vonat, vagy át kellett szállni. Június vége, július eleje lehetett. Amikor a Nyugati pályaudvarra beérkeztünk, emlékszem, hogy valami paplant is hurcoltam magammal, nem emlékszem, honnan, mióta volt velem. Nem is tudom, hogy volt-e villamos, vagy nem volt, hogy a Nyugatiból az Elemér utcáig gyalog mentünk vagy nem, erre már nem emlékszem. Anyukám tudta, hogy jövök, mert volt egy bácsi a házban, aki mindennap kiment a Nyugatiba, hogy megnézze, jönnek-e rokonok, ismerősök, és mikor engem meglátott, nem szólt semmit, csak hazarohant, és szólt az anyukámnak. És mire én hazaértem, a testvérem, aki a Jointban dolgozott, már otthon volt, mert anyukám rögtön üzent érte. Tehát az anyukám és a testvérem várt otthon. A testvérem folyamatosan érdeklődött felőlem azoktól, akik már visszaérkeztek, a Bethlen téren pedig listák voltak kihelyezve. [A Bethlen téri hitközség épületében működött az OMZSA. – A szerk.]

Budapest felszabadulásakor anyukám és a nővérem visszakerült Budáról Pestre. A lakásra a szomszédok vigyáztak, így nem emlékszem, hogy valami is eltűnt volna. Hazaérkezésemkor nagy volt az öröm, és emlékszem, hogy tökfőzeléket csinált az anyukám, amit soha nem ettem meg, de akkor megettem, mert nagyon éhes voltam. De nem is tudom, hogy annyira éhes voltam-e, mert már biztos nem voltam olyan kiéhezett, hiszen olyan 38 vagy 40 kilóval jöhettem haza, ami az én magasságomhoz képest, én elég alacsony vagyok, nem olyan rettenetes, mert én már úgy-ahogy táplálkoztam. Szerintem nem voltam ijesztő. És még szerencse volt, hogy voltak némi „tartalékaim”, mert beteg voltam. És nehezebben gyógyultam volna, ha még ennél is rosszabb fizikai állapotban lettem volna. Emlékszem, anyukámék hiába tették az orrom elé a kedvenc ételemet, a resztelt májat, amit egész idő alatt kívántam, sokáig nem tudtam megenni.

Kezdetben állandóan kezelésre jártam. Úgy jöttem haza, hogy a csípőmön levő tályog egyáltalán nem volt kikezelve, az általános fizikai állapotom se volt a legjobb. Emlékszem, sokáig nagyon gyengének, erőtlennek éreztem magam. Talán egy-két hónap múlva elmentem dolgozni. A munka egy ismerősöm révén adódott, a Pozsonyi úton egy textilszövő műhelyben dolgoztam, ami egy zsidó emberé volt. Hogy mit csináltam pontosan, már nem tudom, csak arra emlékszem, hogy az unokaöccsével motorbiciklin a Stefánia útra kellett kivinni a textileket, és ott fehéríteni. Nem volt azért olyan egyszerű az a munka, de legalább volt. És talán még valahol máshol is dolgoztam. Amikor felvétel volt a Jointnál a Bethlen téren, akkor megkérdezte a testvérem, hogy én is jöhetnék-e, és szívesen fogadtak. A szociális osztályon dolgoztam, nagyon jó, baráti környezet volt ott, hiszen akkor mindenki nagyon lelkes volt, és mindenki annyira figyelt a másikra, mindenki érezte, hogy rendkívüli időket élünk.

Családgondozó lettem, a Pozsonyi út és környéke tartozott hozzám. Csupa idős, gettóból visszakerült emberrel kerültem össze vagy olyanokkal, akik deportálásból jöttek vissza, majdnem mindnyájan sürgős segítségre szorultak. Hiába voltak köztük fiatalok, nemigen tudtak dolgozni. Ezek nagyon-nagyon lehangoló esetek voltak, mert mivel állt szemben az ember? Meg kellett hallgatni az embereket, és ha nem is vigaszt, de egy kis reménységet nyújtani azoknak, akik elhalt hozzátartozóik után, eltűnt pénzük vagy vagyonuk miatt sírtak. És ez elég szomorú volt, talán jobb lett volna mással foglalkozni.

De a fiatalság győzött, mert ettől függetlenül elég jó kedélyben voltam, és ki tudtam kapcsolni magam a hétvégeken, de ugyanakkor nagyon szerettem is ezt csinálni, így hát öt vagy hat évig itt dolgoztam. Azt hiszem, hogy kedveltek engem, mert mindig ugyanazokra a helyekre jártam, és összeszoktunk. Mindenkinek próbáltam segíteni, elintéztem, hogy ingyenes segítségben részesüljenek, hiszen ezzel is vigaszt és segítséget tudtunk valahogy nyújtani. Meg a többségük úgy gondolta, hogy ez nekik jár a sok szenvedésért, mert a halál torkában voltak, és megkínozták őket. Nagyon sokan fordultak hozzánk segítségért, de hát ez természetes volt, nagyon zavaros volt a helyzet. Nekik a Joint segítsége az életet jelentette vagy legalábbis azt, hogy el tudtak indulni. Akkor úgy láttam őket, mint tehetetlen, idős, öreg embereket, de azért láttam így, mert fiatal voltam. Aztán szerintem a nagy részük valahogy rendbejött, vagy a hozzátartozók segítségével, vagy egyszerűen az emberi természet segítségével. Mert az ember vagy életben marad, és él tovább, és akkor ezeket a dolgokat nem szabad mindig elővenni.

Ez a ma élő idős emberek szokása szerintem, hogy nagyon sokszor idézik a múltat és abból is a keserűt. Ezen felülemelkedni rettenetesen nehéz, de szerintem muszáj. Annak idején közösségbe kellett volna vinni őket, amire nem volt mód, és akkor nem is gondoltak rá. Én mindig azt gondoltam, hogy minden idős ember a rosszat idézi a múltból, pedig abból tanulni is lehet, így el lehet kerülni az újabb keserűségeket, igaz, mindig újabb szomorúságok is jönnek. Tehát azokon rágódni, amik akkor voltak, abból tanulni nem lehet, az elveszett idő. Elpocsékolom azt a keveset, ami még jó lehetne, ha visszamegyek a múltba. Nem baj, ha azt idézem a múltból, ami jó volt, az talán segít egy kicsit. De hát persze ehhez idő kell. Fiatalon nem tudja az ember, milyen felbecsülhetetlen kincs van a kezében, annyira természetesnek veszi. Csak utólag érzi, hogy mit kellett volna tennie, pedig nem pocsékolta el az idejét, mert végső soron jól érezte magát, csak nem értékelte, természetesnek vette ezt az állapotot, olyannak vette, ami az élet velejárója. Az is, de mégsem az. Ha nem tudod, akkor nem éled át intenzíven és tudatosan a fiatalságot.

Hogy mi történt a család holmiival? A lakáson kívül nem is volt nekünk vagyonunk. Volt talán perzsaszőnyeg és egy pár kisebb dolog, amit ma is őrzök, de hogy hogyan maradtak meg, soha nem beszéltünk róla. Azt sem tudom például, hogy le volt-e zárva a lakás, vagy volt-e benne valaki. Biztos, hogy volt róla szó, de erre már nem emlékszem. Még a KISOK-pályán voltunk, amikor az a gróf elbújtatta anyukámat és a testvéremet, úgy számolom, hogy Budapest felszabadulásáig olyan négy hónapot tölthettek ott. Úgy gondolom, a szomszédok vigyáztak a lakásra, mert akkor már zsidók nem voltak a házban. Nem bombáztak le bennünket, nem hordták szét a lakást, ilyen értelemben szerencsénk volt.

A férjemet Polgár Ferencnek hívták, a mi családunkéhoz hasonló felfogású, jómódú pesti zsidó családból származott, anyukájának jól menő nagykereskedése volt, ahol különböző edényeket árultak. Feri az érettségi után, miután felsőfokú tanulmányokról az 1940-es évek elején nem is álmodhatott [lásd: zsidótörvények Magyarországon], bőrdíszművességet tanult, mestervizsgát szerzett. Akkoriban mást nemigen lehetett tanulni. Egyébként Feri a szakmájában nagyon kreatív volt, ő készített először Magyarországon vászonnal kombinált légi bőröndöket, ezek jóval könnyebbek voltak, mint a csak bőrből készült súlyos társaik.

Négyen voltak testvérek, két fiú és két lány. Feri fivére haza sem jött a deportálásból, Svédországon keresztül az Egyesült Államokba ment. Az idősebbik nővérének az élete nagyon tragikusan alakult. Egy nyilas [lásd: nyilasok] fiú volt a szerelme, aki meg akarta menteni, el tudta volna rejteni, de Éva nem fogadta el a segítséget, és tragikus körülmények között halt meg. Húga, a későbbi sógornőm, 17-18 évesen a gettóban bujkálva valahogy túlélte a háborút, és az első adandó alkalommal elhagyta az országot, Venezuelába ment ott élő rokonokhoz. 1956-ban hozzájuk mentünk Venezuelába.

A férjemet még akkor ismertem meg, mielőtt elvittek volna munkaszolgálatra. A tizennyolcadik születésnapomon a nővérem elvitt Siófokra egy pár napra. A Balaton közepén bemutatott egyik ismerőse fiának. Másnap ezzel a fiúval elmentünk Füredre hajóval. Mindketten elaludtunk a hajón, és éppen hogy odaértünk, fürödtünk és már jöttünk is vissza. Ez 1943 nyarán történt, őt pedig nem sokkal ezután elvitték munkaszolgálatra, éppen hogy megismertem. Nem voltunk mi olyan nagy barátságban, hogy írt volna nekem, de talán a családja útján tudtam róla. És akkor elvittek engem is. Amikor visszajöttem, egy idő után ő is visszakerült, Debrecenen keresztül, ha jól emlékszem. Még Oroszországban átszökött a németektől az oroszokhoz jó pár munkaszolgálatos társával együtt – rájuk egyébként a biztos halál várt volna –, és jópár hónapig ott volt. Végül az oroszokkal együtt jött Magyarországra, és Debrecenben maradt egy ideig. Miután visszakerült Budapestre, azután kerültünk össze.

1945-től 1947 végéig apró kitérőkkel barátkoztunk. Nem volt nagyon szoros kapcsolat, közöttünk, de aztán mégis azzá lett. Az eljegyzés rá nagyon jellemző módon, de számomra kedvesen alakult. A férjem egy nagyon csöndes, nyugodt ember volt. Talán gátlásosságból, talán a fegyelmezettsége okán, a szélsőséges érzelmi megnyilvánulások nemigen jellemezték. A Rózsák terén mentünk, valószínűleg színházba vagy valahova, amikor egyszer csak a zsebébe nyúlt, kivett egy dobozt, és azt mondta: „Ja, itt vannak a gyűrűk.” Ez volt az eljegyzésünk. Őt ismerni és szeretni kellett ahhoz, hogy ezt ne furcsának, hanem kedvesnek tekintse az ember. Ez egy rá nagyon jellemző momentum volt. Szeptemberre volt kiírva a házasságkötésünk, a zsidó ünnepekre, nem mondtam senkinek [lásd: őszi ünnepek]. Valahogy akkor nem olyan idők voltak. Mikor a házasságkötő teremből jövet, az Andrássy úton vagy az Eötvös utcában jöttünk a férjemmel meg talán a testvéremmel gyalog, összetalálkoztam a közvetlen főnökömmel a Jointból, aki egy nagyon aranyos ember volt. Azt mondja: maga mit jár erre? Mondom, most jöttem az anyakönyvvezetőtől. Így tudták meg a kollégáim, hogy férjhez mentem, úgyhogy mire visszamentem dolgozni, kaptam a munkatársaimtól egy szép ezüst tálcát. Nászútra Visegrádra mentünk egy hétre, akkor már volt egy kis albérletünk a Teréz körúton, ahova visszajöttünk.

Éva lányom 1949. február 2-án született, Budapesten. Nevét a férjem tragikusan elpusztult lánytestvérének emlékére kapta. Hogy milyen nevelést adtam a gyermekemnek? Hát, elég helytelen módon, az olyan dolgokról, hogy ki micsoda és ki kicsoda nemigen beszéltünk. Jól emlékszem a caracasi sógornőmnek még a pesti gettóban 1944-ben elmondott szavaira, hogy ha őneki gyereke lesz, megpróbálja őt beilleszteni egy olyan világba, ahol nincs gyűlölködés, nincs megkülönböztetés, ahol nem ezen múlnak a dolgok. És valóban, amikor tíz évvel később, 1957-ben Venezuelába mentünk, láttuk, hogy teljesen beilleszkedett, és a családja számára nagyon harmonikus, kiegyensúlyozott életet sikerült biztosítania. Számomra, különösen az első évtizedet illetően, példaértékű volt az, ahogyan ő élt, és ahogyan ő szervezte az életét. Kimondhatatlanul hálás vagyok azért, hogy az első percektől mellettünk állt, és mindenben segített nekünk, hogy aktívan részt vett az életünkben.

Évi 1956-ban a Lovag utcai általános iskola második osztályába járt, hét éves volt. És ahogy később elmesélte nekem, annak ellenére, hogy igyekeztünk őelőtte nem beszélni arról, hogy el fogunk menni, hogy kiszökünk az országból, nagyon sok mindent tudott. [Az 1956-os forradalom alatt és után nagyon sokan hagyták el Magyarországot. Az emigránsok között történelmi és társadalomtörténeti okokból igen sok zsidó volt. – A szerk.] De hát olyan nincs, hogy egy gyerek a jelekből vagy elejtett szavakból ne állítson össze valamilyen képet magának. Az általa összeállított kép szerint mi elmegyünk, őt meg itt hagyjuk. Akkoriban a nagyszülőkkel laktunk együtt a Dessewffy utcában, és azt a következtetést vonta le, hogy ő ott fog maradni. De ezt nem mondta, hanem a félelem, az megmaradt benne. Ha beszél róla, akkor természetesen ezt nem kellett volna átélnie, mert elmondtam volna neki, hogy nem erről van szó. De attól féltünk, hogy talán az iskolában vagy valahol máshol beszél erről. Szóval tudta a gyerek

A mi kimenetelünknek tulajdonképpen egzisztenciális okai nemigen voltak. A férjem a rákospalotai bőrgyárban dolgozott mint utókalkuláció-vezető, én pedig már öt éve az akkori Könnyűipari Minisztérium textilosztályán egy főkönyvelő mellett dolgoztam. Ez a textilosztály mint kirendeltség először Zuglóban működött, aztán bent, a mai Béke Hotel épületében, utoljára pedig a Csengery utcában volt. Onnan mentem el, és nem mondtam semmit, csak másnap nem mentem dolgozni. Talán a legfontosabb szempont az volt, hogy nagyon féltettem a férjemet, hogy az 1956-os időkben érte jönnek, de nem azért, hogy elvigyék, hanem hogy valamiben részt vegyen. A férjem vezető beosztásban volt, de egy teljesen apolitikus ember volt. 1956 októberében egy hétig nem jött haza, és nem tudtam róla semmit, és a család sem. Azt a hetet átsírtam, mert nagyon bennem voltak a régi emlékek, a félelem, amik akkor jönnek újra elő, mikor drasztikus módon változik valami. És akkor talán úgy éreztem, hogy egy csendesebb helyre kellene menni, egy olyan helyre, ahol nem kell mindig valamitől félni.

És akkor megért bennünk az elhatározás, hogy elmegyünk. Egy-két aktatáska, pizsama, mackóruha és egy nagyon vastag télikabát, egy váltás fehérnemű, és amennyire lehetett, felöltöztünk [A mackóruha vagy tréningruha az 1950-es évek jellegzetes viselete volt: ma nyilvánvalóan a „szabadidőruha” kategóriájába sorolnánk, de az ötvenes években a gyerekek – főleg a szegényebb családok gyermekei – iskolába is jártak mackóruhában, ami nadrágból és többnyire bebújós felső részből állt, rendszerint sötétkék volt, bár készült más színekben is. Rossz minőségű, kitérdesedésre hajlamos anyagból készült. – A szerk.]. A kimenetel félelmetes volt. Ha jól emlékszem, egy fényképezőgép volt, amiért valaki segített ebben. A férjemnél volt valamennyi forint, az apósom pedig adott egy gyűrűt, ha akármi történik velünk, akkor legyen, talán azzal tudunk majd valamit csinálni. A nyugati határ felé menet a vonaton nem volt semmi probléma, aztán egy este, ahogy mentünk, magyar katonákkal találkoztunk, akik semmi különösebb dolgot nem csináltak, csak megkérdezték, hogy hova megyünk. Hát, ugye a határra. Nem lehetett ott mást mondani. Azt kérdezte az egyik, hogy hát miért akarunk elmenni. A férjem azt válaszolta, hogy Kádár elvtárs azt mondta, hogy aki menni akar, az menjen. Persze ez nem volt ilyen egyszerű, de nem haragudtak meg érte. Félrement a férjem ott valamelyikkel, megbeszélték, hogy átsegítenek. Szóval vállalkozott valaki – biztos volt, aki tudott pénzt adni, lehet, hogy a férjem is tudott valamit adni –, hogy az időközben hat-nyolc fővé verbuválódó csoportunkat átsegíti az osztrák határon.

Éjszaka volt és nagyon félelmetes, mert először is valami rettenetesen keskeny pallón kellett keresztül menni, ami alatt zuhogott a víz. Ez valahol az országhatár közelében lehetett. Rettenetesen féltettem Évit, a lányomat. Először a férjem vitte, aztán egy fiatalember vette át a hat-nyolc fős csoportból, aki azt mondta, hogy biztonságosan át tudja vinni. Át is vitte – ez a segítő gesztus ott, akkor szinte természetes volt: mi is fiatalok voltunk, kölcsönösen segítettük egymást. Ezután egy szögesdrót alatt kellett átmászni, ami alá volt aknázva, és aztán egyszer csak nagyon érdekes módon megváltozott a világítás: a nagyon gyér és sárga fényből egy kékes fényű, erősen kivilágított, érezhetően egész más világba léptünk. Egy vöröskeresztes tábor volt távolabb, az országúton túl, itt, aki akart, teát kaphatott, vagy ott aludhatott, amíg nem tudott tovább menni. Emlékszem, a fapadokra szalma volt lehintve, és az Évit egész éjjel az ölemben kellett tartani, mert azt mondta, hogy piszkos. Nem volt az piszkos, csak nem volt hozzászokva, soha azelőtt nem látott szalmával lehintett fekhelyet.

Reggel valahogy tovább mentünk. Útközben valahogy hozzánk csapódott egy fiatalember, aki megkérdezte, hogyan akarunk tovább jutni. Biztos vagyok benne, hogy a férjem nem fordult hozzá, mert ő senkihez nem fordult volna segítségért. Ő annyira tartotta magát, hogy úgy vélte, hogy amit meg tudunk magunktól csinálni, megcsináljuk, de segítséget nem kérünk. Bécsben tudtuk, hova akarunk menni, voltak ismerősök, akiket felkereshettünk, csak némi útbaigazítás kellett, és Bécsben rengeteg olyan hely volt, ahol segítettek az embereken, hivatalosan államilag vagy a bécsi zsidó közösségen keresztül. És akkor a három, magunkkal hozott kis ékszer közül az egyiket eladtuk, hogy a fiatalember megvehesse nekünk a Bécsbe szóló vonatjegyeket. Fogalmam sincs, mennyit értek az ékszerek, számomra mindenekelőtt eszmei értékük volt.

A bécsi vonaton valami olyan dolog történt, ami valószínűleg nagyon sok magyarral megtörtént. Hangsúlyozom, az én férjem olyan típusú volt, aki nem nagyon állt szóba másokkal itthon sem, ha megszólították; nagyon aranyos valaki volt, de nem olyan hirtelen barátkozó volt, részben pedig feszélyezve is érezte magát a mi státusunk miatt, gondolom. Pedig az osztrákok közül nagyon kedvesek is akadtak. A bécsi vonaton velünk szemben ült egy középkorú úriember, olyan vidéki gazdálkodóféle, nem paraszt, jó külsejű, jómódúnak látszott, és beszédbe elegyedett a férjemmel. És akkor azt kérdezte, hogy van-e nekünk hova mennünk. A férjem rögtön azt mondta, hogy igen, pedig nem volt. Annál is inkább nem volt, mert az első éjszakát Bécsbe érkezve a rendőrségen töltöttük, mert nem volt hol éjszakázzunk. Úgyhogy nem tudom, hogyan alakult volna az életünk, ha férjem azt mondja, hogy nincs hova mennünk. Abban biztos vagyok, hogy az az ember azért kérdezte, mert azt mondta volna, hogy jöjjenek oda. Lehet, hogy valami munkára gondolt, valami háztartásra – ezt nem lehet tudni. Ez megmaradt bennem azért, mert éreztem, hogy az az ember egy kicsit csalódott volt, egy kicsit megsértve érezte magát.

Megérkeztünk Bécsbe, megvolt a cím, hogy hova megyünk, nagy viszontagságok között el is értünk oda. Ezeket az embereket nagyon jól ismertük, mert a testvérem Árpád nevű volt élettársának a testvéréről volt szó, aki Bécsben élt a férjével, aki rendőr volt, és a három fiával. Hozzájuk mentünk, nem hiszem, hogy tudták, hogy menni fogunk. Örülni örültek, de nem nagyon tudtak nekünk segíteni, mert egy szoba-konyhás lakásban laktak öten. A három kamasz fiú – a két idősebb már dolgozott –, a papa és a mama. Megpróbáltak nekünk segíteni azzal, hogy elvittek egy közeli iskoláig, ahol ideiglenes szálláshelyet rendeztek be, de inkább elindultunk vissza Bécs belvárosa felé. Mire beértünk, minden valamire való szállás tele volt magyarokkal. A Mariahilferstrasse környékén és a pályaudvaron megnéztük a kiírásokat, mindenfelé járkáltunk, és egyszer csak valahogy a rendőrségre kerültünk, késő este, tíz óra volt, és bementünk, hogy tudnak-e valamiben segíteni. Azt mondták, hogy csak abban, ha ott maradunk reggelig. Aztán gondoltuk, hogy hova menjünk. De ott aztán nagy kín volt, mert a férjemnek máshova kellett mennie. Éjfélig ültünk, amíg ujjlenyomatot, adatokat és mindent vettek rólunk, és akkor Évivel elmentem a női szakaszba. Az éjszakára bevitt utcalányok társaságában töltöttük az éjszakát, a férjem pedig a férfi részlegben.

Reggel ötkor engedtek ki, az egész éjjelt átsírtam, Évi vigasztalt. Nem tudom, valahogy rám tört az, hogy mit tettem, és hogy kidobtuk magunkat a világba. Reggel, mikor már a férjemmel összetalálkoztam, már nyugodtabb voltam, mert az is izgatott, hogy mikor engednek ki, és hogy fogunk újra találkozni. És akkor elkezdtünk keresni, és találtunk is a Westbahnhof mögött, eléggé kétes helyen egy szállást. A Schönbrunnba vezető út mentén volt egy szálloda, voltak már benne magyarok, és tudtak is nekünk adni egy szobát, ahol volt mosdó is. Szegény gyerekemet hideg vízben mostam le a mosdóban óvatosan, és egy nagyon tiszta, nagyon szép ágyba tudtam betenni. Ez volt akkor a legfontosabb. És akkor mi is lefeküdtünk aludni. És másnap elindult az élet, mentünk Bécsbe megkeresni azokat a helyeket, ahol útbaigazítanak, ahol valami ennivalót szerezhettünk.

A férjem szülei addigra már, gondolom, értesítették valamilyen módon a férjem Venezuelában élő testvérét, hogy Bécsben vagyunk, így 1956 telén már a sógornőm tudta, hogy megyünk, és nagyon boldog volt, mert ő már nagyon vágyódott egy közvetlen családtag után. Volt ott nagynéni, nagybácsi, de a szűkebb értelemben vett családból senki. És most viszontláthatja a testvérét! Az anyósomnak, apósomnak tulajdonképpen megvolt az útlevele, hogy kivándorolnak a lányukhoz, de az én gyerekem miatt nem mentek. Nem tudtak elszakadni tőle. De ahogy mi elmentünk, abban a pillanatban ők már elkezdték intézni azt, hogy kijönnek – amin már nem sok intéznivaló volt –, és egy éven belül, 1958-ban, már ők is Venezuelában voltak. És akkor, azt hiszem, a sógornőm küldött valami pénzt, de a férjem nem nagyon akarta, hogy anyagilag támogasson minket. Először eladogattuk, amit lehetett. Aztán az ismerős család révén egy olcsóbb helyre költöztünk, ahol öt hónapig laktunk.

Öt hónapig tartott az ügyintézés Bécsben, hogy Venezuelába tudjunk menni, ezért ott a helyszínen is regisztráltatni kellett magunkat. Azonkívül a férjem jelentkezett munkára, hogy addig is tudjon a szakmájában dolgozni. És az történt, hogy az elutazásunk előtt három vagy négy nappal közvetítették ki őt egy nagyon jó állásba. Az első időkben annyi jelentkező volt, hogy nem tudtak a szakmájában munkát adni, ő meg nem akart mást vállalni. Nekem is ajánlottak valamit egy baromfiüzletben, de hát a gyerektől nem tudtam igazán munkát vállalni. A néni, akinél laktunk, nagyon aranyos volt az Évivel, és az Évi aztán lassan megszerette őt, és ment is vele. Vitte őt mindenfelé, még gyerekelőadásra is. Általában elment vidékre a rokonaihoz, s otthagyta nekünk a lakást. Amikor meg ott volt, akkor a konyhában aludt. A vécé és a vízcsap a folyosón volt, fürdőszobának nyoma sem volt. Így festett egyébként akkoriban egy átlagos bécsi lakóház. Bécsben akkor még nagyon sok helyen így laktak az emberek.

Bécsből leveleztem az édesanyámmal és a testvéremmel, küldtem nekik csomagot, és visszaküldtem a nagyon meleg báránybéléses télikabátomat, mert azt tudtam, hogy a trópusokra megyünk, és arra nem lesz szükségem. Még egy ideig tartottam a kapcsolatot egy-két barátnőmmel és kolléganőmmel, de aztán már nem lehetett, mert az élet úgy hozta, hogy annyi új momentum volt az életemben, és annyira elfoglalt voltam.

Venezuelában bizonyos szempontból egy nyitottabb világ várt, Caracas az emigránsok valóságos gyülekezőhelye volt. Szinte minden európai nációnak volt egy kisebb-nagyobb közössége, ez már önmagában is igen sokszínű volt. A magyar emigráción belül volt egy zsidó közösség, de ez nem a hitközségen keresztül, hanem a baráti kapcsolatok mentén működött nagyon jól. Mi a tíz éve ott élő sógornőm és családja, gyermekei révén kerültünk kapcsolatba az ottani magyar közösséggel. Venezuelában a származásunkról szó sem esett, ez egyszerűen nem volt szempont. Ugyanakkor, nyilván nem véletlenül, a sógornőmnek döntően zsidó barátai voltak. És az ottani magyarok részéről, akik más valláshoz tartoztak, semmiféle ellenségeskedéssel nem találkoztunk. Érdekes, hogy ők más utakon jártak, más foglalkozásokat űztek, másképp indították el az életüket. A zsidó származású emigránsok döntően a ruhaiparban, a konfekcióiparban helyezkedtek el – ez hagyományosan zsidó kézben, zsidó származásúak irányítása alatt volt. Még azok is boldogultak itt, akiknek korábban fogalmuk sem volt a szabásról és a varrásról. Egyik vitte a másikat ebbe a szakmába, és itt biztos egzisztenciát remélhettek, és ez akkor és ott mindennél fontosabb volt. Korábbi, más irányú szakmai ambícióidról az esetek többségében lemondhattál, bár itt is voltak kivételek. A sógornőm férje például másképp boldogult: egy irodabútorgyárban dolgozott mérnökként. A férjem a saját szakmájában maradt, a sógornőm családjának bőrdíszműüzletében dolgozott.

Kint tartózkodásunk harmadik évében mentem állásba, de addig is nagyon mozgalmasan éltem: segítettem a sógornőmnek az üzletben, együtt laktam az 1958-ban kiérkezett anyukámmal és a testvéremmel, férjemmel és az Évivel, mindenkiről gondoskodtam. És egy idő után rájöttem, hogy döntően mindig egymás között forgunk, csak magyarul beszélünk, és ez akadálya volt hosszú távon az ottani miliőbe való beilleszkedésünknek, és nagyon komoly problémákat okozott, amikor állásba mentem. Nyelvi és minden más szempontból is az Évinek volt a legkönnyebb dolga, ő két hónap alatt tökéletesen beilleszkedett, folyékonyan beszélt spanyolul. Nekem sem volt az első naptól probléma a vásárlás vagy a hétköznapi dolgok elintézése, mert összeállítottam magamnak a szótárból a szükséges szavakat, és lassan-lassan aztán megtanultam a dolgok nevét. A sógornőm, aki már tíz éve ott volt, 19 éves korában került oda, tökéletesen beszélt spanyolul, és rengeteget segített nekem.

Mikor egy kicsit konszolidálódott a helyzet, kezdtek hiányozni a könyvek az életemből, és elkezdtem olvasni spanyolul. Az első spanyol könyv, amit elolvastam, Zilahy Lajos „Valamit visz a víz” című könyve volt spanyolul, mert úgy gondoltam, hogy amit már ismerek, azt sokkal könnyebb lesz olvasni [Zilahy Lajos (1891–1974 – író, publicista. – A szerk.]. Az elsőt követte a második, és lassan-lassan így kezdtem. Aztán arra gondoltam, hogy ki kell szakítani magam a környezetemből, hogy rendesen megtanuljak spanyolul. És akkor elmentem egy fehérneműgyárba dolgozni, ahol aztán négy évig maradtam, méghozzá az irodában, ahol adminisztrációs dolgokkal kellett foglalkozni. A legnehezebben a telefont szoktam meg, ahhoz komolyabb nyelvtudás kellett, de aztán lassan az is ment. Itt abban állapodtam meg, hogy nem addig maradok, ameddig a többiek, hanem korábban, három óra körül megyek el (a munkaidő délután öt óráig tartott).

És ugyanannak az utcának a végén – Caracas egyik főútvonaláról van szó – ott volt már akkor egy nagy bőrdíszműüzletünk, ahol délelőttönként a sógornőm segített a férjemnek, kiszolgált, ezalatt a férjem az üzlet hátsó traktusában levő műhelyben tudott dolgozni, és akkor délután fölváltottam a sógornőmet, és este nyolckor vagy fél nyolckor zártunk. Akkor mentünk haza, akkor főztem, és akkor foglalkoztam, amennyit lehetett, a lányommal. Napközben azért el-elmentem, vagy a sógornőm vitte az Évit mindenfelé az iskolából, mert járt mindenre, balettra, erre-arra. Részben készárut árultunk, részben a férjem által készített bőrdíszműves dolgokat árultuk. Úgyhogy nem volt olyan egyszerű a helyzetem, de nem éreztem a súlyát olyan nagyon. Később importáltunk ugyancsak bőrdíszműves dolgokat, ezeket is árultuk, miközben az üzlet mögötti műhelyben a férjem dolgozott. Ez egy családi vállalkozás volt. Amikor pedig a sógorom ránk hagyta az üzletet, én egész nap ott dolgoztam (ekkor csak egy állásom volt), a sógoromnak rengeteg kintlévősége volt, amit nekünk kellett behajtani. Később elhagytuk az üzletet, és egy nagy irodaépületbe költöztünk, akkor már nemcsak bőrdíszműves dolgokat, hanem képkeretet és például hamutartókat is importáltunk, ez utóbbiakat Németországból, és azokat adtuk el. Itt én vezettem az irodát, egy alkalmazottunk volt. Amikor rosszul ment az üzlet, újra állásba mentem.

Évi egy magániskolába járt, ha jól emlékszem, amerikai neve volt az iskolának, a tandíj egyáltalán nem volt vészes, a sógornőm gyerekei is oda jártak. Mint a családból a harmadik gyereknek, csak fele tandíjat kellett fizetnünk. Egy idő után, amikor a gyerekek a középiskolába kerültek, a sógornőm átíratta a két gyerekét a német iskolába, mert az volt a legjobb iskola. Ez a német iskola a Caracasban régóta élő német emigránsok, illetve azok leszármazottainak a középiskolája volt, a tanárok pedig részben az Egyesült Államokban, részben Európában tanultak. És oda is harmadik gyerekekként ment az Évi, hogy ne kelljen annyit fizetni. És mikor az Évi a második gimnáziumi osztályt elvégezte, azt mondta, hogy ő a zsidó iskolába akar járni. A sógornőm fiai a német gimnáziumban végeztek, az Évi a zsidó gimnáziumban. Azokban a közösségekben, ahova akkor jártunk, klubokba, ide, oda, amoda, valószínűleg a lányom olyan barátokra tett szert, akik olyan hatással voltak rá, hogy ilyen döntést hozott, és én megértettem őt. Kisebb korban ennek nemigen van jelentősége, nagyobb korban az efféle érzékenységek előjönnek, és a gyermekem oda akart járni, ahova tartozónak vélte magát.

Rendszeresen jártunk az ottani zsidó közösség rendezvényeire, ahol a zsidó ünnepek, illetve a nagyobb társadalmi események alkalmából jöttünk össze. Ez egy világi szemléletű, nyitott társaság volt, mi, szülők külön, és a gyermekeink ugyancsak külön. Klubszerű életet éltünk, barátkoztunk, segítettük egymást. Évi nem tőlünk, hanem saját társaságán belül, a vele egyívású gyerekekkel barátkozva szerzett ismereteket a zsidó gimnáziumról, és döntött úgy, hogy itt akarja folytatni a tanulmányait.

Évi később egyetemre járt, szociológus lett. 1979-ben meghalt az édesanyám, aki magas kort élt meg, nagyon sokáig ápoltam, gondoskodtam róla. Egy-két évvel később különköltöztem a férjemtől: anyukám halála után, illetve a lányom önállóvá válásával párhuzamosan ekkorra valahogy végleg kiütköztek a habitusunk, a környezetünk és a világról vallott felfogásunk közötti különbségek. Továbbra is közös üzletben dolgoztunk, de külön éltünk. Az 1980-as évek második felében kezdett foglalkoztatni a gondolat, hogy hazatelepülök. A lányom „rendben volt”, nem igényelte a mindennapi törődést és kapcsolatot, a férjemtől való különköltözésem – mindezen körülmények azt az álláspontomat erősítették, hogy hazatelepüljek. Mielőtt végleg elhatároztam magam, megkérdeztem a lányomat, hogy miután ő is egyedül maradt – férjétől különváltan éltek –, hogy nem jönne-e velem haza, Magyarországra. Ő azonban annyira ragaszkodott Venezuelához, annyira szerette színes, trópusi kavalkádját, annyira oda kötődött, nem pedig Magyarországhoz, hogy végül egyedül jöttem haza. A helyzetemet könnyítette és motiválta, hogy ugyanebben az időben még két barátnőm települt haza Venezuelából, így volt kivel a közvetlen tapasztalatokat megosztanom. Nem volt könnyű, de egyrészt nem voltam egyedül, másrészt pedig az 1990-es évek Magyarországa igen szimpatikus képet mutatott.
 

Blumenberg Lajos

Életrajz

Egyetlen távoli rokonom, akire emlékszem, anyai nagyanyám [Hubert Adolfné, született Klein Eszter]. Tíz gyereke volt. Amikor megszülettem, anyám két fivére és három nővére még élt. A lányai Rozi, Julis, Irén voltak, a többi gyereke nevére nem emlékszem. Nagyanyám Szabadkán született, de nem tudom, mikor. Mire megszülettem, már öregasszony volt.

Nagyanyám háziasszony volt, és nem dolgozott, bár gondozott egy öregembert, aki a közelben lakott. Magas, nagydarab nő volt. Mindennapi ruhákat hordott, hosszú ruhát viselt, de nem olyat, mint az ortodox asszonyok. Nagyon konzervatív miliő volt, úgyhogy az asszonyok, bármilyen nemzetiségűek voltak, ilyen ruhát hordtak. Akkoriban az volt a szokás, hogy a zsidó hitközség idősebb és rászorult tagjairól azok gondoskodtak, akik jó fizikai kondícióban voltak, és nem volt más munkájuk. A hitközség gyűjtött pénzt azoknak az embereknek, akik az idősekről gondoskodtak. Így keresett egy kis pénzt. Otthon magyarul beszéltek, és ez volt az anyanyelve is.

Nagyanyám neológ volt, és rendszeresen járt zsinagógába a nagyünnepeken. Gyakran a lányával, Mariskával ment, aki tébécében halt meg. Arra nem emlékszem, hogy a nagyapám mivel foglalkozott, mert már meghalt, mire én megszülettem. Nagyanyám nem politizált. Az első világháború alatt azonban, az oroszországi kommunizmus kezdetekor és Magyarországon az első világháború után a fia, Miklós aktívan részt vett a politikai eseményekben, és ki is végezték 1919-ben, amikor Horthy átvette a hatalmat.

Nagyanyám Szabadka elég szegény részében lakott, az erdő mellett. A ház, ahol élt, a lánya, Donát Rozika tulajdona volt. A lánya nagyon gazdag volt, volt még ezen kívül három háza. Tipikus falusi ház volt nagy kerttel. Mivel Rozika használt vassal [ócskavassal] kereskedett, ami jellemző zsidó foglalkozás volt abban az időben, az udvarnak elég nagynak kellett lennie, hogy elférjen benne a vas. Nagyanyám csirkéket nevelt a kertben, és volt egy csodálatos kutyája, amit Citromnak hívtak. Azért hívták így, mert a fejétől a farkáig sárga volt. Én voltam nagyanyám kedvence, úgyhogy gyakran jártam hozzá. Nem volt különösebb esemény, amiért mentem, inkább akkor mentem, amikor a szüleim elengedtek. Nagyon boldog voltam, amikor ott voltam, mert nagy volt a kert, és ott volt a kutya, amivel játszhattam. A szomszédai nem voltak zsidók, de jó viszonyban volt velük.

Az apai nagyszüleimről nem tudok semmit sem mondani, mert soha nem találkoztam velük.
A családomban mindenki neológ volt. Apám, Blumenberg Herman 1914-ben meghalt a fronton, ahol katonai szolgálatát teljesítette, abban az évben, amikor megszülettem. Sajnos, soha nem látott engem. Anyám újra férjhez ment egy Mojsija Trilnik nevű férfihoz, akinek volt két fia az első házasságából.

Apám, Blumenberg Herman Kassán született, a mai Szlovákiában 1890 körül. Szabadkán kapott munkát kántorsegédként és sakterként. Miután összeházasodtak, anyámmal [Magyar]Kanizsára  mentek, ahol ő volt a kántor [Magyarkanizsa (Ókanizsa, Stara Kanjiža) – rendezett tanácsú város volt Bács-Bodrog vm.-ben, 1910-ben 18 100 főnyi, 92%-ban magyar ajkú lakossal. Trianon után a Szerb–Horvát–Szlovén Királysághoz került. – A szerk.]. Én soha nem találkoztam vele, az arcára csak fényképekről emlékszem. Magas volt, mindenki azt mondja, rá hasonlítok. Abban az időben a kántor szakma igen sokoldalú volt; rabbi volt, rituális vágó és kántor. Egy olyan kisvárosban, mint [Magyar]Kanizsa, ahol a zsidó hitközség kicsi volt, egy ember csinált mindent. [Magyar]Kanizsán két hitközség volt, az ortodox hitközség, aminek kevesebb tagja volt, és a neológ hitközség, aminek sokkal több. Apám a neológ hitközség tagja volt. Anyanyelve a szlovák volt. Anyám azt mondta, soha nem tanult meg rendesen magyarul, és mindig erős szlovák akcentussal beszélt. Annak ellenére, hogy a kassai zsidók magyarul beszéltek, ami az anyanyelvük volt, apámék szlovákul beszéltek.

Több okból is azt gondolom, hogy tanult ember volt. Először is kántorként dolgozott, és biztos vagyok benne, hogy ehhez el kellett végeznie valamilyen iskolát. Olvastam leveleket, amiket édesanyámnak írt, szóval írástudó volt. Tudom, hogy kitűnően énekelt és zongorázott. Körbe volt párnázva, és olyan családból származott, ahol gondoskodtak az iskoláztatásáról és neveltetéséről. Nagyon vallásos volt, de nem ortodox. Amennyire emlékszem, a családja fele ortodox volt, de a második világháború után minden megváltozott. Találkoztam két fivérével, miután elkezdődött a háború. Az egyik fivér szabó volt, a másik utazó ügynök. Még a gyerekeikkel is találkoztam: Gréta Venezuelában él, a másik gyerek, egy fiú Amerikában, ahol asztalos és két gyereke van.

Anyám, Hubert Flóra Szabadkán született. Anyanyelve a magyar volt, és németül is beszélt. Ő volt a legidősebb gyerek, és ő is halt meg utoljára. Kitűnő varrónő volt. A középiskolában tanulta ki a szakmát, de nem tudom, melyikben. Egyedül varrt.

Voltak fiú- és lánytestvérei is. Rudi, akit nagyanyám a legjobban szeretett, és akivel én is találkoztam, a Bánságban élt, ahol fával kereskedett. Volt egy lánya, akit nem ismertem. A háború alatt a Staro Sajmiste táborba vitték Belgrádban, ahol meg is ölték. László, akivel szintén találkoztam, nős volt, és volt egy fia, akinek a nevére nem emlékszem. László nagybátyám utazó ügynök volt, és Horvátországban ölték meg. Írt egy levelet Rozi nővérének, amit én is olvastam, mielőtt meggyilkolták volna, hogy valaki jöjjön el a fiáért, mert meg akarta menteni. A nagynéném nem talált senkit, aki Szabadkára hozza a fiút, úgyhogy a fiúcska is meghalt. Donát Róza vassal kereskedett, és nagyon gazdag volt. Szabadkán élt egy házban a nagyanyámmal. Volt férje, de nem voltak gyerekei. A háború előtt halt meg. Miklóst, aki hithű kommunista volt, Magyarországon a Horthy-éra [lásd: Horthy korszak] alatt likvidálták. Engelsman Julis egy vaskereskedőhöz ment feleségül, de az nem volt olyan sikeres, mint Rozika néném. Julisnak volt egy fia, Djurija, aki elpusztult a háborúban. Djurija felesége és lánya túlélték, és Izraelbe mentek a háború után. Azt hiszem, mindketten élnek még Izraelben, de nem tartom velük a kapcsolatot. Szemző Klára nemrégen halt meg. Férjével, Miklóssal Izraelbe ment. Miklós orvos volt, és Izraelben halt meg már régen. Volt egy fiuk és egy lányuk. A lányuknak reklámügynöksége van Izraelben, és ott is él. Nem tudom a nevét, sem azt, hogy hol lakik. Schwartz Irén Bajmokon volt kereskedő [Bajmók – Bács-Bodrog vm.-ben lévő nagyközség volt, Trianon után a Szerb–Horvát–Szlovén királysághoz került. – A szerk.]. Volt egy fűszerüzlete, és eljárt a parasztok piacára is, ahol nagyban vette a csirkét, aztán újra eladta.

Legtöbbet Irént, Juliskát és Rozikát láttam. Nem nagyon szerettem Rozikát, mert nagyon gazdag volt, és tudta, hogy én szegény vagyok, mégsem segített soha. Legjobban Juliskát szerettem, mert ő bőkezű volt. Korombeli gyerekei voltak, és sok időt töltöttünk együtt. Klárával, Juliska lányával sokszor mentünk nyaralni, és mindaddig kapcsolatban voltunk, amíg ki nem ment Izraelbe.

Nem tudom, hogyan ismerkedtek meg a szüleim. Azt tudom, hogy a zsinagógában házasodtak össze [Magyar]Kanizsán [lásd: házasság, esküvői szertartás]. A zsinagóga kántoraként apámnak jó fizetése volt, anyám pedig varrónőként dolgozott, úgyhogy jól éltek. Én [Magyar]Kanizsán születtem 1914. augusztus 18-án. Kisgyerekként anyámmal éltem [Magyar]Kanizsán. Hat éves voltam, amikor anyám újra férjhez ment. Ekkor Szabadkára költöztünk. Anyám és Mojsije Trilnik, a mostohaapám már sokkal korábban ismerték egymást. Ez egy elég érdekes történet. Trilnik felesége anyám egyik rokona volt. Halála és apám halála után elhatározták, hogy összeházasodnak, mert a mostohaapám egyedül maradt két gyerekkel. Meggyőzte anyámat, hogy menjen hozzá feleségül. Egyedül volt, és azt gondolta, könnyebb lesz a gyerekek nevelése, ha van valaki mellette. Kis lakásunk volt, és egy zongoránk, amit alig tudtunk bepréselni. Mostohaapám, Mojsije Trilnik pénzbeszedő [Valószínűleg ő szedte be a hitközségi adót. – A szerk.] volt, és samesz a szabadkai zsidó hitközségen. A két gyereke velünk lakott. Öten voltunk gyerekek a házban, két nővérem, az ő két fia meg én. A nővéreim, Magda és Sári voltak. Magda [Magyar]Kanizsán született 1909 körül, és Sári szintén Kanizsán született 1913-ban. Az ő két fia pedig Lajos és András. A kapcsolatom a mostohaapámmal borzalmas volt, de jól kijöttem a fiaival. A mostohaapám engem soha nem ütött meg, de a saját két fiát verte. Egyszerűen úgy éreztem, hogy nem szeret és átnéz rajtam. Sikertelennek és butának éreztem magam. Ezt az érzést nem lehet megmagyarázni. Ugyanígy viselkedett Magdával és Sárikával is, és ők ugyanúgy éreztek vele szemben.

A szabadkai zsidó elemi iskolába jártam. Tanárom, Várnai csodálatos, okos ember volt. A diákokra nem emlékszem. Aztán a mostohaapám jobb munkát kapott Kutinában, úgyhogy a világi iskola (gimnázium) negyedik osztályát ott végeztem el [Kutina – Belovár-Körös vm.-ben (Horvátország) lévő község, 1910-ben 3100 főnyi lakossal. A lakosoknak mindössze 8%-a volt magyar anyanyelvű, a túlnyomó többség horvát (77%) volt, és volt 9%-nyi német ajkú lakos. 1920 után a Szerb–Horvát–Szlovén Királysághoz tartozott. – A szerk.]. Nem emlékszem a tanárok nevére, de mindenki jól bánt velem. Kutinában csak kovácsok, lakatosok és szabók számára volt szakiskola. Mivel én ezek közül a szakmák közül egyiket sem akartam tanulni, visszamentem Szabadkára, ahol a nővérem lakott. Ő elvégzett négy év gimnáziumot, aztán beiratkozott egy privát papi iskolába. Nem jött velünk Kutinába, mert tisztviselőként jó állása volt a Literarijánál, ami magyar könyveket és újságokat importált Szabadkára, és itt nagyon jó fizetése volt. 18 éves volt, és el tudta tartani magát. Gazdag nagynénémnél, Rozikánál lakott. Amikor megérkeztem Szabadkára, olvastam az újságban, hogy fogtechnikusi iskolába diákokat keresnek, akik elvégezték a négy év gimnáziumot. Tanulni kezdtem, és Magda nővérem támogatott.

A másik nővérem, Sárika, akinek a beceneve Csányi volt, 1913-ban született. Kutinában fejezte be a négy év gimnáziumot. Jogi tisztviselőként dolgozott, és soha nem ment férjhez. Nagyon jó atléta és tornász volt. A mostohaapám idősebbik fia, András rabbinak tanult egy szarajevói rabbiiskolában. Ez a fajta iskola két vagy három évig tartott, és utána a fiú képes volt levezetni az istentiszteletet a zsinagógában. Miután elvégezte az iskolát, megnősült és Nova Gradiškába ment, ahol rabbiként dolgozott [Újgradiska – Pozsega vm.-ben (Horvátország) lévő község, 3600 főnyi lakosának többsége (60%) horvát anyanyelvű volt az 1910-es népszámláláskor, s a lakosság töredéke (5%) volt csak magyar ajkú. – A szerk.]. Amikor kitört a háború, visszament Szabadkára, ahol a magyarok besorozták, Ukrajnába vitték, és soha nem tért vissza. Van egy lánya, Boriska, aki szociálismunkás-tanár Izraelben. A mostohaapám fiatalabbik fia, Lajos elvégezte a gimnáziumot, és egy műszaki iskolába iratkozott be Zágrábban. Ebben az időszakban hithű kommunista lett, és négy év börtönre ítélték Szávaszentdemeteren, Sremska Mitrovicában. Ezután Párizsba ment, ahol megnősült, és született egy lánya. A lánya valamilyen szívprobléma miatt meghalt. 

Fiatal fiúként jártam zsinagógába. Volt bár micvám, együtt a mostohaapám fiával, aki három hónappal volt fiatalabb nálam. Nagy ünnepséget tartottunk Kutinában az összes rokonunkkal. Sokat tanultam a judaizmusról, amíg mostohaapám a szabadkai zsidó hitközségen dolgozott; ezeket a témákat megvitattuk a Hasomérben is [lásd: Hasomér Hacair Jugoszláviában]. Minden héten megtartottuk otthon a sábeszt, mert a mostohaapám nagyon vallásos volt. Kóserül evett, de a részletekre nem emlékszem. Azt tudom, hogy az istentiszteleteket ő vezette a hitközségen, ahová elmentünk sábeszkor és a nagyünnepeken. Ezenkívül anyám otthon is megtartotta a sábeszt. Amíg [Magyar]Kanizsán laktunk, anyám öt gyertyát gyújtott sábeszre, de nem tudom, miért [Feltehetően az öt gyermek után gyújtott öt gyertyát. – A szerk.]. Emlékszem, hogy sábeszkor a mostohaapám mindig megáldotta a fiait, de minket soha. Ez jó példa arra, hogy mennyire nem szeretett minket, és miben bánt velünk másképpen. Utána megvacsoráztunk. Anyám elvitt magával a zsinagógába, lent hagyott a földszinten a férfiakkal, ő pedig felment az emeletre. Legjobban a Pészahot szerettem, amikor maceszt ettünk, a ma nistanát olvastuk, kitakarítottuk a lakást, és más edényekből ettünk. Ez alatt az ünnep alatt minden más volt.

Nagyon szegények voltunk az iskolás éveim alatt, úgyhogy a szüleim nem tudtak privát nyelv- és zeneórára járatni. A mostohaapám taníttatta a fiait, de rám nem volt pénz. A mostohaapám egyszer azt mondta, csak egy gyereket lehet taníttatni, kettőt nem. Úgy döntött, az lesz a legjobb, ha kereskedő leszek, azaz először tanonc egy boltban, és amikor már eleget tanultam, kereskedő leszek. Rozika néném, aki nagyon gazdag és elég fösvény volt, felajánlotta az anyagi támogatását. Hajlandó volt fizetni nekem, hogy kántoriskolába menjek. Amikor azonban eljött az ideje, hogy beiratkozzam, kiderült, hogy ez nem is olyan egyszerű. Jugoszláviában nem volt kántoriskola, csak Budapesten, és ott már nem akarta támogatni a tanulmányaimat. A nővérem, akihez a legközelebb álltam, olvasta az újságban, hogy egy szabadkai fogtechnikus tanoncot keres, aki már elvégzett négy osztályt [középiskola]. Megfeleltem a követelményeknek, felvett magához, és elkezdtem a tanonckodást. Mindkét nővéremnek volt munkája, és ők segítettek nekem anyagilag. Emlékszem, hogy Sárika 200-300 dinár költőpénzt küldött nekem minden hónapban. Kedvenc elfoglaltságom a sport volt: a barátaimmal gyakran futballoztunk és eljártunk futni.

Miközben fogászati tanonc voltam, csatlakoztam a Hasomér Hacairhoz, aminek elnöke Sporer László volt, az egyik legjobb barátom. Tanoncéveim alatt egyre többet jártam össze a Hasomér Hacair tagjaival, és ők javasolták, hogy lépjek be a szervezetbe. Anyám nagyon örült, amikor beléptem, mert ez azt jelentette, hogy több barátom lesz. A Hasomér Hacairral sokat jártunk kirándulni [Magyar]Kanizsára, Palicsba és más közeli kisvárosokba. Nagyon jó volt. Sátrat vittünk és az egyenruhánkat a szürke inggel, mint az igazi cserkészek. A megvitatott témák gyakran Izraellel kapcsolatosak voltak; tanultunk óhéberül [bibliai héber], amit az imakönyvekben használnak, de tökéletesen soha nem sajátítottuk el.

Aztán Kragujevacban [Belgrádtól délre fekvő város. – A szerk.] kaptam munkát egy zsidó fogorvosnál; körülbelül 18 éves voltam akkor. Fogorvosi asszisztensként dolgoztam Ernest Lászlónak öt évig. Ezek voltak a legjobb évek. Jó fizetésem volt, és sok mindent megengedhettem magamnak. László kedvelt és tisztelt engem. Egy szobát béreltem, amit magam fizettem. Amíg Kragujevacban éltem, megalapítottam egy cionista szervezetet, mert ott egy sem volt. Én voltam az elnöke, amíg ott laktam. Nagyon sok barátom volt, köztük néhány zsidó is. Érdekes megjegyezni, hogy egy olyan vendéglőben étkeztem, ahová sok szlovén járt. Összebarátkoztam velük, megtanítottak síelni és táncolni. Fiatal voltam, tele élettel, és tényleg ezek voltak a legjobb évek. Tartottam a kapcsolatot a szüleimmel, és egyszer egy évben hazamentem meglátogatni őket. Egyszer anyám is eljött meglátogatni.

Később, Ernest László segített munkát találnom Belgrádban egy Horváth Jancsi nevű fogorvosnál. Mivel képtelen volt elvégezni kutatásait ebben az országban, bezárta a praxisát, és Németországba ment. Az asszisztenseként dolgoztam. Ebben az időben a zsidó kávéházba jártam, és ott ismertem meg a feleségemet, egy joghallgatót, Flóra Fincit. Bijeljinában [Bosznia-Hercegovina északkeleti részében található város. – A szerk.] született 1913-ban.

Flórának rengeteg bátyja és nővére volt, mind idősebbek nála. Az apja a harmadik házasságában élt, mert mindkét előző felesége meghalt. Flórának csodálatos mostohaanyja volt, aki úgy gondoskodott róla, mintha a saját lánya lenne. A mostohaanyjának nem voltak saját gyerekei, úgyhogy Flórát a magáénak tekintette. Nem sokat tudok a gyerekkoráról. Mire megszületett, az apja már nagyon szegény volt, és az élet nem volt könnyű. Abban az időben egy zsidó lány nem mehetett férjhez hozomány nélkül. Flóra apjának ott volt a lánya meg az új házassága Flóra mostohaanyjával; mindenkit el kellett tartania, és valamiből meg kellett élnie. Nem sokra emlékszem a taníttatásával kapcsolatban; csak arról az időszakról tudok, amikor Belgrádban volt, amikor megismerkedtünk. Flórának két nővére volt, akik nem tértek vissza a háborúból, és egy bátyja, aki fogságban volt, de hazatért. Bijeljina muzulmán város volt, és a háború után egyetlen zsidó sem maradt ott. Lerombolták a zsinagógát. Amikor a bátyja, aki nagyon vallásos volt, hazatért a fogságból, öngyilkos lett a stressz és a háború negatív hatása miatt. Az összes nővér és fivér közül végül is Flóra maradt meg egyedül.

Kutinában házasodtunk össze 1938-ban. Hüpe alatt esküdtünk, de nem zsinagógában [lásd: házasság, esküvői szertartás]. A hüpét a mi kertünkben állították fel [Az ultraortodox askenázi közösségekben a hüpét a szabad ég alatt állítják föl, mivel a csillagok a termékenység jelképei. A zsinagógán belüli hüpe-állítást számos ortodox zsidó kifogásolta, mert szerintük ez a templomi esküvők utánzása. – A szerk.]. Két rabbi adott össze bennünket: az egyik András, a mostohaapám fia volt, a másik a mostohaapám. Az első gyerekünk, Vlada 1940-ben született, aztán én bevonultam a hadseregbe. Flóra a gyerekkel Belgrádban maradt. Újvidéken szolgáltam, ahol fogtechnikusi munkára jelöltek ki. Kitört a háború, és szerencsésen, néhány nappal Belgrád bombázása előtt Flóra a gyerekkel együtt Bijeljinába ment, hogy a mostohaanyjával legyen.

Én Szabadkára mentem egy magyar barátommal, és a fogtechnikusi rendelőjében dolgoztam. Ez nagyon rövid ideig tartott, mert mire dolgozni kezdtünk, kitört a háború. Amikor a háború felerősödött a mi környékünkön, közelebb akartuk hozni hozzám Flórát és a gyereket, de nem tudtuk, hogyan. Jól dolgoztunk együtt a barátommal, míg 1941-ben kényszermunkára nem vittek. Egy darabig még azután is, hogy elvittek, az én részemet a pénzből Flórának adta. Azonban amikor megnősült, a felesége megtiltotta, hogy segítse a feleségemet és gyerekemet. Mivel nem volt miből élnie, Flóra kötni kezdett. Abból a pénzből tartotta el magát és a fiunkat, amit a kötéssel keresett. A háború után bíróként kezdett el dolgozni.

Magda és Sárika [a nővérei], anyám, mostohaapám, feleségem és Vlada fiam mind kényszermunkán voltak a Cseh Köztársaság [akkor: Cseh–Morva Protektorátus] és Ausztria határán; a pontos helyet nem ismerem. Egy-másfél évig voltak ott. Vlada kicsi volt, és senki nem bántotta. Az a ritka eset voltak, akiket kényszermunkára és nem táborba vittek [A szabadkai zsidókat először a városban kijelölt gettóban koncentrálták, innen a többségüket 1944. június 16-án Bácsalmásra szállították. A bácsalmási bevagonírozási központot június 25-én hagyták el, és „amikor a vonat befutott Szegedre, néhány tehervagont mintegy 700 zsidóval, akik, mint kiderült, főképp Szabadkáról jöttek, egy másik vonathoz csatoltak, melyet Strasshofba irányítottak” (más forrás szerint Felsőzsolcánál kapcsolták le a vagonokat). (Randolph L. Braham: A magyar Holocaust, Budapest, Gondolat /Wilmington, Blackburn Inc. é. n. /1981/). Strasshof egy Bécs melletti tábor volt, ahol kelet-ausztriai ipari és mezőgazdasági üzemekben dolgoztatták az oda irányított mintegy húszezer embert. A munkaadókon és munkavezetőkön múlott, hogy milyen bánásmódban részesültek. Mintegy háromnegyed részük – köztük idősek és gyermekek is – túlélte a deportálást.  – A szerk.]. Egy filmszínházban aludtak, és egy cukorgyárban dolgoztak, ahol a legnehezebb fizikai munkákat bízták rájuk. Viszonylag jól éltek ebben az időben, mert a többi munkás sokszor adott nekik kenyeret. Más táborokkal összehasonlítva, ők legalább nem éheztek. Annyi cukruk volt, amennyit csak akartak. Szerencsére a kényszermunkatáborból nem küldték őket tovább más táborba, így mindannyian visszatértek. Amikor már látni lehetett a háború végét, a családomat és még egy magyar családot Szegedről elrejtettek egy bunkerban, amit lefedtek szalmával. A csehek gondoskodtak róluk, élelmiszert vittek nekik, és amint véget ért a háború, találtak nekik egy vonatot, ami hazavitte őket.

1941-ben kényszermunkára vittek. Egy napon a magyar hatóságok [tehát már az 1941 áprilisát követő időszakról van szó; lásd: Jugoszlávia magyar megszállása] behívtak Zomborra [Bács-Bodrog vm.-ben lévő város. – A szerk.], hogy jelentkezzem kényszermunkára, ahová minden korombeli zsidót elvittek Szabadkáról. Egy iskolában helyeztek el bennünket. Zomboron a repülőtéren dolgoztunk. Onnan Szentivánra vittek, ahol istállókban helyeztek el [Valószínűleg a Bács-Bodrog vm.-ben lévő Bácsszentiván településről van szó, ahova Zomborból vittek egy ún. közérdekű munkaszolgálatos századot. (1943 folyamán innen Borba vittek munkaszolgálatosokat.). – A szerk.]. Azt kell mondanom, mindez elviselhető volt; még azt is megengedték, hogy télen hazamenjünk. Később egy vasúti egységhez (Rákos rendező), Budapest legtöbbet használt pályaudvarára raktak át minket, ahol a magyar katonák mellett dolgoztunk.

Időzített bombákat ástunk ki, és nagyon szerencsések voltunk, hogy egyik sem kapcsolt be, és senki nem sérült meg. Mivel ezt az állomást használták katonai szállításokra, váratlanul elmozdítottak minket, és a szlovák határ közelébe vittek, nem tudom, pontosan hová. Hirtelen Szombathely közelébe vittek, ahol volt egy erdő. Az volt a feladatunk, hogy új utat csináljunk, amit szerintem arra használtak, hogy a bombázások alatt oda rejtsék a mozdonyokat. Ez az, amikor a durva zsidó tragédia megkezdődött számomra; ekkor volt az, amikor borzalmas dolgokkal kezdtem találkozni. Egyik nap felsorakoztatták az egységünket, és Szombathelyre vittek. Az első dolog, amit megláttunk, egy iskola volt kitárt kapukkal. Látnunk kellett, mi van ott. Holttest-halmokat rendeztek el úgy, mint a fát, egyiket a másikra, halomban. A magyarok egy szobába kényszerítettek bennünket. Az első utasítás az volt, hogy vetkőzzünk le. Miután meztelenre vetkőztünk, ütlegelni kezdtek. Mindent oda kellett adnunk, ami nálunk volt: pénzt, ékszert, igazolványokat, fényképeket, imakönyveket. A szó szoros értelmében megölték azt, aki elesett és nem tudott felállni. A magyarok egy barakkba raktak bennünket, ahol megsirattuk halott barátainkat, akik nem voltak elég erősek. A következő napon egy rosszindulatú tiszt átadott minket az osztrákoknak.

Két csoportra osztottak bennünket. Nagyon nehéz volt, mert elválasztottak bennünket a barátainktól, akikkel a kezdetektől fogva osztoztunk a fájdalmon. A mi csoportunkat Sándorfalvára vitték egy iskolába, ahol borzalmas ételt kaptunk, és rettentő éhesek voltunk. Két hónapig voltunk ott. Az volt a feladatunk, hogy gödröket ássunk, hogy a tankok ne tudjanak átjönni. Egy nap felsorakoztattak bennünket, és elvittek egy úthoz, ahol már egy csomó zsidó volt más egységekből. Itt újra összetalálkoztunk néhány barátunkkal és rokonokkal. Aztán elindultunk Mauthausen felé. Az út napokon át tartott, alvás és élelem nélkül, a menet pedig nagyon hosszú volt. Olyan éhes voltam, hogy füvet ettem.

Emlékszem egy szomorú eseményre a tíznapos úton. Abban az időben a németek nagy számban menekültek Jugoszláviából. Amíg a menettel vonultunk, láttuk őket elmenni mellettünk. Lovon vagy autóban robogtak el mellettünk. Egy teherautó ment el mellettünk, és a német katonák kiabálni kezdtek: „Gyerünk, másszatok fel!” Néhány barátunk felkapaszkodott a teherautóra. Én is majdnem felmásztam, de az utolsó pillanatban egy barátom megállított, és azt mondta: „Ne!” Hallgattam rá, és mentem tovább. Nem sokkal később megláttuk a barátainkat, akik felmásztak a teherautóra, amint holtan hevernek az út szélén. Napokon és napokon át meneteltünk. Végül elértük Mauthausent, ahol akkor már nem volt krematórium, helyette hatalmas lyukak és sátrak voltak. Találkoztam ott egy rokonommal, Hubert Klárával, az anyjával és két lányával. Amikor felismertük egymást, összecsókolóztunk, nagyon megörültünk egymásnak, amennyire az csak lehetséges a táborban. Addigra a németek, akik a tábort őrizték, már likvidálták Mauthausent, és az embereket más táborokba küldték. Klárikának Günskirchenbe, Mauthausen egyik részlegébe kellett volna mennie két lányával és az anyjával, de az anyja nagyon beteg volt, nem volt olyan állapotban, hogy utazzon. Az anyja egy sátorban volt, amit „kórháznak” neveztek, de ott már mindenki majdnem halott volt. Megígértem neki, hogy minden nap meglátogatom az édesanyját, amíg ott vagyok. Így is történt. Minden nap meglátogattam. Nem élte túl, de Klára és a két lánya igen. Az egyik lánynak én voltam a tanúja az esküvőjén, mielőtt Izraelbe ment volna.

Mauthausen után a németek Günskirchenbe vittek minket. Amikor odaérkeztünk, már majdnem vége volt. Hamarosan megérkeztek az amerikai katonák teherautókon, és azt kiabálták, hogy felszabadítanak bennünket. Először mindenki a raktárakba rohant, hogy megnézze, van-e még élelem, mert nagyon éhesek voltak. A mi csoportunk úgy határozott, hogy nem megyünk be a raktárba, mert annyian voltak bent, hogy egymás hegyén-hátán másztak át, és kapkodtak az étel után. A következő reggel elindultunk hazafelé. Az úton találtunk egy német raktárat tele élelmiszerrel, felpakoltuk a ruhákat, élelmet és minden egyebet, amit találtunk. Nem váltottunk ruhát azonnal, mert meg kellett szabadulnunk a tetvektől, nehogy tífuszosak legyünk. Dr. Barna István velünk tartott. Ő volt a legtalpraesettebb mindannyiunk közül, és ő gondoskodott rólunk. Elmentünk egy újonnan készült épület mellett, amin a Hitlerjugend. felirat állt. Bent olasz katonák voltak, akik nagyon kedvesen üdvözöltek bennünket. Enni adtak meg szappant, hogy megmosakodhassunk és ruhát cserélhessünk. Tiszta szerencse volt. Néhány nappal később Pruci [Dr. Barna István] elment a vasútállomásra, hogy a Jugoszláviába tartó vonatok felől érdeklődjön. Megtudtuk, hogy Linzbe kell mennünk. Amikor megérkeztünk Linzbe, találtunk egy nagy német raktárat tele bőröndökkel. Bőröndökbe pakoltuk a dolgainkat és az élelmet. Néhány napot a barakkokban töltöttünk, aztán átmentünk egy orosz táborba. Egyszer csak egy csodálatos szlovén, egy jugoszláv tiszt bukkant fel, aki megszervezte, hogy egy sóderszállító vasúti kocsi vigyen haza bennünket. Ott találkoztam újra az unokatestvéremmel, Klárával, akit Mauthausen óta nem láttam

Emlékszem egy érdekes történetre. Egész úton hazafelé a táborból azon gondolkodtam és attól rettegtem, kit fogok megtalálni érkezésemkor. Nem emlékszem, melyik városban voltunk, amikor leszálltam a vonatról, és bementem a restibe. A restiben egy nagy papír volt kiakasztva azoknak a zsidóknak a nevével, akik áthaladtak ott. Ezen a darab papíron ott volt az egész családom. Próbálják csak meg elképzelni, milyen csodálatosan éreztem magam; hazaérek, és az egész családom ott vár majd. Egy voltam a nagyon kevesek közül. Amikor hazaérkeztem, az egész családom ott várt. Tényleg szerencsém volt ebben a borzalmas háborúban. Sajnos, a feleségemnek már nem: az egész családját kiirtották.

Az életet a legelejéről kellett kezdeni, ami nagyon nehéz volt. Egy kis szobában kezdtük újra az életet, és egy kis helyiséget béreltem irodának. Igen hamar megtudtam, hogy fogtechnikusi iskola nyílt Újvidéken, ami fél évig tart. Elvégeztem az iskolát, és fogász lettem. Miután megkaptam a diplomámat, elkezdhettem dolgozni.

Az első fogorvosi székem közönséges borbélyszék volt, de elég jól elboldogultam ilyen szerény felszereléssel is. Magánpraxisban dolgoztam. Egy idő múlva azt hallottam, hogy emeltebb szintű fogászati diplomát lehet szerezni. A tanfolyam követelményei között négy év gimnázium és két év fogászati iskola szerepelt. Egy kollégámmal beiratkoztunk ebbe az iskolába. Sokat tanultunk, átmentünk minden vizsgán, és elvégeztük a tanfolyamot. Ő és én voltunk az első igazi fogászok Szabadkán, a többiek mind csak fogtechnikusok voltak. Egy egészségügyi klinikán dolgoztam, később a vasúti munkások egészségügyi klinikáján, utána pedig privátként.

Be kell vallanom, hogy a háború után el akartam menni Izraelbe, de volt egy kis gond. A háború után anyám nem akarta a mostohaapámat Jugoszláviában hagyni, én viszont nem akartam, hogy velünk jöjjön. Tehát itt maradtunk, mert nem akartam itt hagyni anyámat. Mivel egy cionista szervezethez tartoztam, támogattam a kivándorlást Izraelbe, ahol minden zsidó ugyanazon a földön gyűlik össze. Nővérem, Sárika nagyon jó munkát kapott Belgrádban, és nem akart menni. A másik nővérem, Magda kiment Izraelbe. A háború után kevésbé vallásos lettem. Azonban továbbra is járok zsinagógába az ünnepeken, és otthon is megtartjuk az ünnepeket a feleségemmel, Flórával.

A háború utáni időszakban a gazdaság borzalmas volt. Semmi nem volt. Gyerekeink voltak, és az élet nehéz volt. De ami fontos volt, hogy egészségesek voltunk. Flóra nagyon hamar talált magának munkát a bíróságon, és elkezdtünk élni. Mire a gyerekek elkezdték az iskolát, már jobb anyagi helyzetben voltunk, és ki tudtuk fizetni a taníttatásukat.

Arra tanítottuk a gyerekeinket, hogy senki nem menekülhet saját maga elől, és hogy ne rejtegessék azt a tényt, hogy zsidók. Mivel nem voltunk vallásosak, azt tanítottuk meg a gyerekeinknek, amit tudtunk. Eljártak a zsidó hitközségbe, ahol a többi gyerekkel barátkoztak, és a vallásról tanultak. A nagyünnepeken elmentünk a hitközségre, és a többi zsidóval ünnepeltünk. Sábeszkor nem mentünk zsinagógába, és gyertyát sem gyújtottunk.

Sem a háború előtt, sem utána nem voltunk párttagok. Teljesen normális polgárok voltunk, akik az életüket igyekeztek újjáépíteni. Magánrendelőm volt, és ebből semmi problémám nem volt. A feleségemnek, annak ellenére, hogy a bíróságon dolgozott, állami munkahelyen, semmilyen problémája nem volt a vallása miatt. Vladának és Mikinek [Miroslávnak] nem volt gondja az iskolában, a barátaik között. Szabadka soknemzetiségű város volt, és ez soha nem volt téma.

El voltam ragadtatva, amikor megalakult Izrael Állam. A Hasomér Hacair régi tagjaként kész voltam Izraelbe menni és ott élni, de anyám miatt nem mentem, nem akartam itt hagyni őt ezzel a férfival, aki nem volt valami jó ember. Sári, aki hithű párttag volt, nem akart elmenni, mert megfelelt neki, hogy Jugoszláviában maradjon. Végül csak Magda ment ki a férjével és a lányával. Néhányszor meglátogattam őket. Borzalmas érzés volt, amikor elkezdődtek a háborúk Izraelben. Még ma is felizgatom magam, valahányszor történik valami. Ezért sűrűn tartom a kapcsolatot a Jugoszlávián kívüli rokonaimmal.

A háború után a barátaim főleg Flóra munkatársai voltak a bíróságról, nagy részük nem zsidó. Az ünnepek alatt összejártunk zsidókkal, de ez csak a zsidó hitközségen volt.

A kommunizmus vége előtt nem éltünk valami jól. Nyugdíjba mentünk, de szerencsénk volt, mert a gyerekeink segítettek nekünk, hogy átvészeljük a nehéz időket. A betegségeken kívül mind a mai napig nincsen semmi komoly problémánk. Most kapunk támogatást a Claims Conference-től, ami nagyon sokat segít.

Amíg Szabadkán laktam [azaz gyerekkorában], voltak zsidó barátaim, de amikor átköltöztünk Kutinába, a baráti köröm főleg nem zsidókból állt, mert nagyon kevés korombeli zsidó élt ott. Azt kell mondanom, nem volt antiszemitizmus, az ott élő zsidók kereskedelemmel foglalkoztak, és nagyon jómódúak voltak. A zsidókon kívül a szerbek is kereskedtek, de a horvátok nem. Sok zsidónak volt kávéháza is.

Szabadkán mindig is volt némi antiszemitizmus, főleg a magyarok körében. A többiek nem voltak annyira ellenségesek. Nem emlékszem semmilyen nagyobb támadásra. Az antiszemitizmus sokkal erősebb volt a háború előtt. A háború után az élet olyan nehéz volt mindenkinek, hogy nem törődtek a zsidókkal és az antiszemitizmussal. Amikor Belgrádban éltem, semmi ilyet nem éreztem. Kragujevacban sem. Szlovén barátaim körében, akiket már említettem korábban, időnként érzékeltem az antiszemitizmus jeleit, de ez nem volt következetes, egy-egy vicc, történet. A szerbek mindig kedveltek, meghívtak a szentjük napjára, húsvétra és karácsonyra [Szt. Száva nap – Szt. Száva Szerbia védőszentje, a középkori szerb ortodox egyház alapítója. Athosz hegyi szerzetes lett, majd visszatért szülőföldjére, Szerbiába, ahol több kolostort alapított. 1219-ben Szerbia metropolitájává szentelték. 1222-ben testvérét Szerbia királyává koronázta (II. István). Lefordította a szent szövegeket, és hazai egyházat és papságot adott nyájának. Halálának napja január 14., később Szent Száva napja lett. – A szerk.]. A  háború után, a kommunizmus alatt nem engedték meg nyilvánosan kifejezésre juttatni az antiszemita érzelmeket.

Említettem, hogy van egy fiunk, Vladislav. Fogorvos, akárcsak én, Svájcban él a feleségével és a lányával. A fiam egy bunyevácot vett feleségül. [Bunyevácok – vitatott eredetű horvát népcsoport, tagjai a 15. században, a törökök megjelenése után kerültek elvándorlással vagy telepítéssel a horvát–bosnyák határon fekvő Dinári-Alpok környékéről későbbi lakóhelyeikre, Horvátországba és Észak-Bácskába. Részben földműveléssel foglalkoztak, de tekintélyes számú városlakó népességük is volt. A magyarországi horvátság legpolgárosultabb elemeként tartották számon őket. – A szerk.] Otthon megtartják a zsidó és a katolikus ünnepeket is. Tudom, hogy minden nagyünnepet megtartanak, Vlada böjtöl, és barátainak a többsége zsidó. Annak ellenére, hogy keresztény, nagyon szeretjük a menyünket. A vallás nekünk nem fontos. Vlada és a felesége a kereszténységre és a judaizmusra is megtanították a gyereküket. Amikor Vlada elvégezte a fogorvosi iskolát, egy szabadkai klinikán kezdett el dolgozni. A főklinikán kapott munkát, ahol a főnökök készítették a fogsorokat, a többiek kezeltek és fogat húztak. Ez nagyon zavarta, és elkezdett utánanézni annak a lehetőségnek, hogy elhagyja az országot. Az első ajánlatot Svájcból kapta, és el is ment. Szerencséje volt ott, és ma nagyon jól él.

A másik fiam, Miroslav Szabadkán született 1950-ben. Egy orvosi egyetemen tanít New Yorkban, tudományos kutatást végez az emberi bőrön. Terv szerint szervezte meg az életét: elvégezte az egyetemet, megnősült, aztán elment Amerikába. Nem tudom, miért ment el. Azt tudom, hogy aktív volt a szabadkai zsidó hitközségben. Megboldogult barátjával, Klein Péterrel írták és adták ki a zsidó fiatalok lapját, ami több témával is foglalkozott. Amikor az újságnál dolgozott, meghívták egy ifjúsági szemináriumra Amerikába, és el is ment. Amerika elbűvölte, és hamar megtalálta a módját, hogyan szerezzen támogatást Amerikában. Felesége van, egy fia és egy lánya. Miki zsidó nőt vett feleségül, minden héten eljárnak egy modern [reform] zsidó hitközségbe, ahol nő a kántor. Minden ünnepet megtart otthon. Soha nem mondta, hogy vallásos lenne, de ez a benyomásom, mert mindig azokban a körökben forog, megtart minden ünnepet és a sábeszt is. A háború után sokat meséltem nekik a háború borzalmairól. Vlada nem emlékszik a háborúra, sem arra, hogy az anyjával kényszermunkán voltak.

Be kell vallanom, hogy amióta megöregedtünk Flórával, nagyon hiányoznak a gyerekek. Egyedül vagyunk, és nagyon nehéz nekünk, hogy a gyerekeink ilyen messze vannak. De azt nem szeretném, hogy visszajöjjenek. Biztos vagyok benne, hogy nem is akarnak, mert jó életet teremtettek maguknak másutt. Vladának csodálatos, nagyon jó praxisa van négy asszisztenssel, és Miki is sikeres.
 

  • loading ...